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Complicated relation with my parents

Date: 02 Jan 2016   Posted By: Joanita D'souza     Group: Family & Life    Category: Parenting   

I am 23 and I am the only daughter of my parents as I grew up the relation with my mother went on becoming complicated in fact it is becoming worse day by day. She is diabetic patient and also have blood pressure problem. Some times she is very good to me and most of the time shouting at me, when its my fault I accept the shouting but some times for no reason, always taunting me, being my mother I very often feel like sharing what is there in my mind but if I do so she will listen but next time if we have a fight or if she is scolding me she will start taunting at me on that topic therefore I mostly don't share anything with her, bit fed up. When she has some work with me that time she is good to me and once it is done again the same behavior and top of that she tries to prove that she is so concern about me. She will never accept her mistake even if I prove her wrong still she won't accept, I am not saying that I am a perfect daughter at some point of time even I am wrong but not always. This New Year I have decided to keep distance from her please help me. I love my mother a lot but things just get messed between us sometimes I feel I am a very bad daughter.

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Author: Bhuvaneswara Rao Nalla    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

Every parent has his/her own set of rules as to how their children should behave with them. Any deviation from their rules may annoy them. All the parents can't be similar in nature. Some parents can understand the feelings of their children by thinking in the children's perspective and some parents think in their own way. Since your mother is having some health ailments, sometimes she may be getting influenced by her ailments while talking to you. As you are grown up enough to understand the situation and you love your mother very much, just behave in her way. Ask her what are her intentions about you and follow accordingly. Since you are the only daughter of your parents, they might have obliged to all your wishes from the childhood. So, you might have developed some qualities in such a way that things should always go in your way. You, yourself, try to analyze the situation. Now it is your turn to understand your parents' feelings.

Author: [Anonymous]    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I am facing the same situation just like you. Each and every thing that you have mentioned is true for me also, the only difference is that I am not the only child of my parent. I have a younger brother. My mother also does the same thing like yours. But now I have stopped tolerating her. Whenever there is my mistake I accept it but if she annoys me for no reason I openly make her realize that whatever she is doing is not correct. I don't say that you should shout or fight with your mother, neither I do but you should not remain calm also. Make her realize her mistake. Some people are so proud of themselves that they think they can never do a wrong to anyone, they are always correct and whatever they do is always right, that is the problem. So, if she behaves like that then don't hesitate to point out her mistake. And make her realize now you are not a small child, you are a grown up girl, so your mother should behave that way. And if she doesn't understand you its better to have little conversation rather than fighting over small issues. I do the same, and share your feelings with those who understand you, it is not necessary you share everything with mother only. Share with those who have a better understanding with you. It may be a friend or relative or even your father.

Author: Partha Kansabanik    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

I fully understand your predicament. This is nothing but generation gap. Some of the older values are rapidly getting changed and people from earlier generation (myself included) are having problem to adjust to the new values, new practices being followed by the younger generation.

On practical consideration, I think you may make some effort to get a job preferably at a distant place (although I don't know whether you are a student or working lady). Give your mother some time and space for introspection. Hopefully she would also understand this and everything will be alright with time. Remember, time is the best healer.

Author: [Anonymous]    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

I can understand your problem and would like to suggest following-
1. Try to understand her physical situation. As you have mentioned that she is diabetic patient and even have high blood pressure problems, consider it as a side effects of her illness.

2. You are the only daughter in the family, so please believe that there will not be any personal reasons for such behavior at your mother's end.

3. Try to do things the way she wants for a time being, you will observe some changes for sure.

4. I am not sure about your mother's age, but at the time of menopause, females face such behavioral problems. So this can be another reason for your problem.

5. I advise you to do not react against her anger. This will slowly improve her attitude.

Author: jenny    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 7  (Rs 7)    Voting Score: 0

Taking the age into consideration, your mother may be going through phases of menopause. The symptoms may vary from one woman to another but most experience common problems.
This is the period through which women show behavioural problems unknowingly to them. The hormonal changes that are happening in the body leads to mood-swings, irritability and emotional upsets. They become upset and show symptoms of anger, depression etc.

A woman going through the phase of menopause may not be in a situation to explain what is going through her, its difficult to make you understand and also difficult to understand herself what is happening to her.

Go through the symptoms/browse to know more about, mood swings related to the phase and when she in good talking terms find out if she is experiencing any of this and try to explain to her. At this stage a woman may also be in need of food supplements to overcome menopausal symptoms. Understand the situation, and discuss it with any close relative/your grandmother who can help you and your mother. If needed take her to doctor and get the suggestions.

First thing is stop arguing about anything or shouting at her. When she in a position to understand, state that she is wrong in certain things or the way that the things are make her understand about it. Also she being elder to you, do not point out and tell her you are doing like this, like that, it hurts her and makes her angry. This makes her feel that her daughter has not gown up with values that she had taught/feels bad about, that her child is behaving like this and not showing respect to her . She may feel guilty, dejected and henceforth taunt you.

Next find out from her what she expects form you, what qualities she intends to see in you, it is right and good then it is worth for you to imbibe them, if not little adjustments and adaptations can be made from your side too. If you think that in present age the qualities/values doesn't suit then speak to her make her realize the situations.

Do not decide anything in haste. She needs you and if you distance yourself from her, then she may go into depression which is unpleasant. Try to understand the circumstances and act wisely accordingly to it. Remember no body else can take the place of a mother. She is the one who would always think about you and your well-being.

Try to pacify her tell her that she is taunting you unnecessarily and that you are feeling very bad about it. Being only daughter she must have given liberty to you to grow up in certain way but now she may not be liking, the way you are crossing that liberty which she gets angry about. Spend the time together happily, go together to temple, shopping, help her in daily chores etc. Time lost is lost.

Do not spoil the bond between the mother and daughter relationship. Later in life any help you need and things that you need to discuss about family matters she is the one who will be there for you. May be some time/ passing with the time every thing may settle right, have patience. Avoid quarrels and bringing unnecessarily pain/hurts to each other.
May God give you strength to go through this and build a better relationship with your mother.

Author: Sheo Shankar Jha    04 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

I sympathise with your case but at the same time I can understand the plight being faced by your mother. You have clearly indicated that your mother is a diabetic and apart from it, she is suffering from Hypertension. Stress is the chief cause in both the diseases and because of this, there are at times of escalation of tensions among the persons afflicted with such disorders.
Under the present circumstances, you need to adopt a restrained approach and your matured behaviour would ease the situation. I think no one is coming forward to rescue her from the current distress. Your supportive stand would help her in lessening her tension. However, make it a point to apprise of the right path when she remains in the normal mood. She should not mind if you represent the facts with right spirit but for that your response should not be instantenous. Search for the oppurtune moment and exploit the oppurtunity by telling her how she can keep you happy. From your end, there should be reflection of your closeness in all the actions you perform. She would definitely be influenced with your actions and the things would change for the better in due course.

Author: Shri Naganand Gopal Kailaje    05 Jan 2016      Member Level: Bronze     Points : 1  (Rs 1)    Voting Score: 0

You have mentioned that your mother is a diabetic as well as she is having blood pressure problems. It is perhaps due to these ailments she may be frustrated. She may not be doing it on purpose.

Author: Pappu Das    12 Jan 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 6  (Rs 6)    Voting Score: 0

I can definitely understand your feelings in such situation. I'm also facing such situation.

There are certain changes taking place with maturity where illnesses ignites this situation.

I must tell you that it is not the fault of either your mother and you.
The inevitable health issues she is overcoming are actually responsible for such arguments.
Diabetes (both type I &II) affects mental condition in various ways.
Studies have shown that people diagnosed with diabetes are most vulnerable to anger, denial and depression than people without diabetes.
They feel angry in a sudden manner and start reacting accordingly.

The denial inside them says 'no' to a blame from others.
They become depressed day to day.

In such situation, they are not reasonable i.e. they are not in a position to precisely reason why, what and how are things happening around them, they tend to understand things partially.
Such reactions occurs due to certain biological changes occurring inside them which are complicated but not that serious.
Such symptoms can be controlled through following ways:

1. Encouragement: They needs to be encouraged that they can be successful.
Accept the blame she give you, this will make her content with herself.

2. Persuasion: They must be persuaded whenever anger arises. We must never show our frustration to them. This will give relaxation.

3. Support and Amusement:
Support her in everything she thinks right. Create jokes. This will make her happy which will keep sugar level snd blood pressure moderate.

You should also read doctors's advice in following link:

God bless you.

Author: T.Krishnamoorthy    15 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

Actually you have shown clash between you and your mother but you forget to explain the other ground like your father and your marital status etc. Most often, such problem exists not because you are the daughter but there may be some background. We can give the idea only when we know the background otherwise giving advise can be only in general which may not fit your situation. You can come out with more open to your problem. I can give you the only suggestion is that instead of going away try to tackle the situation. If you think you cannot change her but it is in your hand of changing yourself for the sake of your mother. Once you do a thing for her the problem will be start diminishing.

Author: Avi    16 Jan 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

Your situation is like Piku movie where daughter gets suffered to keep her father's help good.
You already had very good situation. Parents specially in case of girls treats isolated to make girl learn about family living like cooking and performing domestic chores thinking in mind that she should able to do well after marriage. Considering you age and mother age , it is going natural about irritation from both side. Well better to corner her words and do what you do regularly. Try to become financial independent and hire a nurse at home to take care of her. For you that is most important as you are beginning your life journey.
Ask mother if she is interested to meet and stay at relatives place. Find out ways to maintain peace , if not then better to keep quiet and listen her. After some days she will reduce her words too knowing that you will not answer. You need her and her words now , because later you will miss them in life. Life sometimes become short and we miss what we have to do.

Author: Darshan Malwiya    16 Jul 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

hi she has a illness problem which has no permenant solution for it she may be having her own desires which she could not have been able fulfilled in her times so the frustation may be there in hermind and now both the desires and the illness both togeather has made the mess . and even the time in the life of the men comes makes us face this situation . you should not be effected in any way by her behavior just be normal and as a good and loving daughter look after her take her all the behavior as done by a patient who is your mother

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