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Need advice for Inter caste marriage

Date: 21 Mar 2016   Posted By: Priyanka kaul     Group: Family & Life    Category: Marriage   

I want to get married to my boyfriend who is from a single parent Marwadi family. It will be an inter caste love marriage. He has convinced his mother but my mother is not ready to accept it and my dad is giving mixed replies and probably prolonging the issue. He wants to be satisfied with the family.The guy's mother wants him to marry fast since he is already 27 and of marriageable age.
What can I do so that I do not loose this person?
Its already been 4 months since we told our parents about our relationship where his mom agreed too but my parents response are not so convincing.
Experts: do suggest the plan ahead.

Interested in an inter caste marriage? Wondering how to convince parents? Check out advice from experts on this page.

Author: Partha Kansabanik    21 Mar 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I presume that both of you are adults. So, you can marry even if nobody agrees to your relationship.
Having said this, I would like to further state that you yourself have to take the decision thinking about all pros and cons of such marriage. If both of you are confident enough to adjust with the different customs of both families and if both of you (not anyone of you!) are financially well-settled, then you can proceed. At the same time, always remember that in case of lack of adjustment in future (God forbid!), you can't expect the support of your respective families.
Best wishes to both of you!

Author: Sheo Shankar Jha    22 Mar 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 12  (Rs 12)    Voting Score: 0

Your parents particularly your father is probably examining the all the issues prior to finalisation of marriage. May be your father would like to have a detailed negotiaton with the parents of the bride - groom in order to ascertain their culture, temperament and their living - style. Marriage is a long term contract and an immediate answer to this issue is not possible. However, you should have patience at this juncture and take your fiancé in confidence and a suggestion has to be made for the arrangement of the talk between the parents of both sides. Such process would pave the way for the further negotiatin and the unnecessary fear / insecurity hovering within their mind - frame would come to an end.
However, there are some practical considerations which you should not ignore. I am listing a few pertinent points to be taken into consideration from your end-
1) Your would be husband should have stable financial income with some respectable source such as his own Bussiness or should occupy senior position in a Soft - ware company or an Engineer in a Public - undertaking. Private fortune companies are also acceptable. Lawyers, Doctors or Bank - probationary officers are also the fine choice.
2) Consistency in the temperament is highly desirable. Your partner should not be too emotional or over practical.
3) Trust and Affection of the partner should be given top - most priority. In absence of these two parameters, you cannot enjoy a successful marriage.
You must not be in a hurry to settle the marriage immediately but a close watch of his temperament would be required. If you are satisfied with the qualities of your partner, you may give a positive feed - back of the same to your parents so that a positive spirit should prevail within the mind - frame of your parents in the ongoing discussion with your would be father - in - laws.

Author: Kailash Kumar    22 Mar 2016      Member Level: Platinum     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

In case the bridegroom is at least 21 years old and the bride is at least 18 years old, then marriage can be performed under the Special Marriage Act, 1954 in a designated marriage office. However as explained by other authors also, the decision to marry should not be based on sentiments or emotions. The boy/girl concerned should be highly educated and should have a stable income to take care of the family after marriage. The family background also matters in such cases. It is better to not to take such decisions in a hurry. Let sufficient time elapse to test the nature of the relationship.

Author: Juana    22 Mar 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 20  (Rs 20)    Voting Score: 2

Even though both of you are adults, I will not advise you to go ahead and get married without your parents consent. There can be repercussions later and it is best that your parent's concurrence is sought, before your marriage.

Analyse possible reasons why your parents are not agreeing to your marriage and provide them with convincing reasons why they should accept your decision -

1. Your parents might be against the inter caste marriage because of religious beliefs – Tell them that you will continue to follow your customs and religious beliefs.
2. The thought of adjustments that you might have to make in a culturally different home might be acting as a deterrent – Let your boyfriend tell your parents that neither he nor his mother will interfere with your practices nor impose theirs on you. He will allow you all freedom because he loves you.
3. They might be concerned what relatives and society will say – Tell them at the end of the day it is your happiness that matters the most and they should be least bothered about everyone else's views.
4. Is your boyfriend educated? If he is not well qualified their apprehensions might be valid. Remember, education broadens one's thinking. If he is qualified, use that as leverage to convince your folks.
5. Is your boyfriend suitably employed? Does he have a job and earning a decent salary to be able to look after you and the family you build together? If he is, then that is good and can be used to influence your parents.
6. Is the boy's mom's status bothering your folks? Tell them that your life will be with the boy and his mother's marital status does not bother you, nor should it bother them. She has independently raised her son who has turned out to be a good human being - which is a good thing. Their apprehensions about her are unreasonable and biased based on what our society thinks/says about single moms. It is unfair to judge her, without knowing all the facts.

Arrange for a meeting between your parents and the boy. Tell your parents that you two are serious about each other and do want to get married and it would be nice if they happily agree to the alliance. Add that this is causing unnecessary bitterness between all of you and accepting the relationship later will not completely remove the unpleasantness that would have set in, by their refusal now.

Let the boy speak to them and tell them that he loves you and will marry only you, but will like to do so with their blessings. Ask your parents to openly voice their fears, so the same can be addressed. Keeping their fears bottled up is not going to solve anything. If they speak and interact with the boy will they see the real person, until then their prejudices will be judging him.

Finally, are you making the right choice? Are you blinded by love and ignoring your parent's fears, which will spell your doom? Look at all aspects and don't get carried away by an emotion. This is your life and you must make the right decisions keeping every aspect in mind. Keep love aside and answer a few questions, honestly –

Is the boy actually an equal, in terms of status, education, earnings etc? Remember marriage is a lifelong commitment and all these things do matter in a permanent relationship. Don't be blinded by love and ignore any telltale signs that are screaming that you are making a wrong choice. Listen to your parent's doubts and examine your responses. Are your response really convincing. Be honest with yourself.

Your parents are not your enemies, what they do is out of love for you. They have experience behind them and you must give them credit for that. Consider their uncertainties about your relationship. They may be having very valid reasons for their refusal. Listen to them if they talk about real life issues that will/may crop up after this marriage. they might be right, for all you know. However, if their refusal is based on shallow reasons such as caste and his background then you should be able to persuade them with easily, with facts.

Make an informed decision - don't think from the heart - let your mind think for you. Marriage is a serious matter and you must weigh all the pros and cons before jumping into it. I wish you well. Good luck!

Author: sathish chandrasekaran    05 Apr 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

Priyanka, I too had the same love story. As tradition, every mother opposes love marriage. In my case, both the mothers were not accepting. We waited for 5 years and they didn't seem to be say ok ever. Then we told at our home, we will go ahead with marriage on our own soon. Now it's been 5 months I married my love.

So my suggestion is, wait passively till they get tired and agree with you guys. But mentally its too much to take. Other alternative would be that you tell a random date agreed between you and partner to your parents. They will agree if they are not extremely conservative sort of people.

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