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What advice to give daughter on inter-caste marriage for her stable future

Date: 25 May 2016   Posted By: Vandana     Group: Family & Life    Category: Marriage   

I am posting this question on behalf of a distant relative (an uncle). First, a little background to make you understand the situation: He is a senior citizen widower living with his daughter who is working. His married son and daughter-in-law stay separately and are not really in regular touch since nearly a year now. My uncle does have good relations with his brother and sister and with whom he often meets and interacts.

My uncle came to know that his daughter had fallen in love with her classmate when she was in her final year of a diploma course but was informed directly about it only after his son's marriage. Since my uncle was busy with the preparations of that marriage (about a year ago), he did not pay much attention to this development. Moreover, there were a lot of upheavals in his life due to quarrels springing up between various family members.

The boy whom his daughter wants to marry is from a lower caste. My uncle is not averse to that at all. However, all relatives from his side and his in-laws side are dead against the marriage because the boy is not a Brahmin and, even worse, all the relatives have indirectly expressed that they may cut their complete contacts with my uncle & daughter if this marriage happens. My uncle is in a dilemma due to the following reasons:
1. He will be staying alone once his daughter gets married and is worried about his relatives cutting off all relations, since he would like to continue the good relations and support he gets from his brother and sister (his sister at least is neutral and has not said that she would cut off relations with him).

2. The boy his daughter wants to marry is working with his father. They have their own small scale unit and though not very rich, they are of higher middle class with income from the business. All family holdings are in the boy's father's name. They said that once their own daughter's marriage takes place, then their present house will be gifted as dowry to their son-in-law. They have two other independent houses - one they will register in the boy's name and his parents will live separately in another house and the factory will also be registered in boy's name after marriage. My uncle is wondering whether this will be a financially stable situation for his daughter.

3. My uncle does not consider it wrong for a person to marry from another caste but has seen a few marriages break down even after taking care about all issues before marriage, including caste. In his own son's case, too, his son married a girl of another caste, then decided to live separately, is not in contact with his father as such and has clearly stated that he will neither help with the marriage of his sister or be present for it (much the same thing expressed by other relations).

The daughter is determined to marry this boy. Both the daughter and the boy are waiting for my uncle's acceptance. However, they may marry only by next year because the boy's elder sister is yet to marry. They are looking at marriage proposals that have come in and 2-3 have worked out, so possible that before the end of the year she will be getting married & after his daughter's marriage may take place immediately.

My uncle is extremely stressed out and really worried as he is alone to decide to take a firm decision on this and wondering if it may bring good or bad future, not to mention that down the line he will be a little more aged and lonely.

Can you give your general opinion about this? What advice would you give my uncle?

distant relative is senior citizen, daughter is working, good relation with relatives, daughter in love with classmate, Family upheavals, inter caste marriage,cut complete contacts with family.

Author: sushma    28 May 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

There is nothing wrong in going for inter caste marriage if girl and the boy has a better understanding. If girls father and boys parents have agreed, then they will have their elders blessings. As you said, the boys side's financial condition is very good to take care of the girl. Having 3 housed right now and running their own business is not everyone will have. So girls dad need not worry about the financial status of the boy as he is gonna get a house, a business as well. But it depends in the boy how he continues the business and be successful. He should work on growing the business. If elders are sure that both girl and boy like each other and cannot live without each other, then they can get them married.
Coming to girls dad, as per my observation every girl will be attached to her dad. I feel even this girl is more attached and affectionate. He can rent a small house near the girls house and stay. So that he can meet his daughter everyday. At this point of time, he should not think of relatives because no relatives will stay with us forever. They come only when needed. So he should concentrate on the girls future and stay near by the girl so that even he will have someone to take care of him.

Author: Kailash Kumar    28 May 2016      Member Level: Platinum     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

First of all, efforts should be made by the uncle of the author to let his daughter understand the scenario. However, in case she is adamant and not able to budge from her stand even after making consistent efforts for say up to one year, then it should be better to let her marry the boy of her choice.
There will be no gain in resisting her marrying the boy of her choice and souring relationship with her on this count. It is quite likely that only she will support and take care of her father during his last days. Other family members like siblings or even son/daughter-in-law will not be able to provide the kind of support which the daughter will be able to provide. In case luck favors then it may also become possible for the father to spend his last days with her daughter in case the daughter is able to win the heart of her husband.
Regarding giving his property etc. to the daughter, perhaps it is not the right time to consider such actions. The question of such actions will arise after stabilization of marriage and watching up to say 5 years or birth of grand children.

Author: Sheo Shankar Jha    28 May 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

The girl should be given enough time to understand the situation. Even with repeated perusal for a couple of months, if there is no change in the mindset of the girl, she may be allowed to have a marriage - negotiation with the boy of her choice.
The initial resistance of the relatives is not likely to be a permanent hurdle and there would be dilution of bitterness with the passage of time. Much harmonial relationship,between father and the daughter will be seen even in the coming years since she would not forget the love and affection of her own father and hence there should not be any worry on this ground.
A better relationship and understanding between the girl and her husband will stabilise their marriage and they would enjoy a better matrimonial life.

Author: Venkiteswaran.    28 May 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

The situation is of very difficult choice.
As he is mentally inclined to accept, let him have a thorough discussion with his daughter and her lover and if needed, with the boy's family. If they can assure and guarantee his future care, and does some thing concrete in that direction like keeping some amount in his name which can ensure his normal life ahead, or some such confidence giving measures and sincerely guaranteeing I'm, then he can take a firm decision to side with daughter.

Otherwise if he is not sure of the safety and future care from them, then he has to discuss the matter with his other relatives who object to the marriage and threaten isolation. If they can ensure his safe care financially and physically, then he can explain the same to his daughter and stay with his relatives and boycott the marriage. But let the marriage take place. Probably situations may ease later.

The discussions he should make discreetly in such a way that both party do not doubt him. As far as possible he should be open and straight.
Bu he should not divide or distribute or part with his assets at any time and may earmark them for those who take his care.

I feel that when the pros and cons are approached with reality and discussed, it will end up that he stays with his daughter and husband only.

Author: Partha Kansabanik    28 May 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 20  (Rs 20)    Voting Score: 0

The author has asked such a question, the answer of which is bound to be totally different from person to person. I belong to such a family (extended family) where inter-caste and sometime inter-state marriages have almost become a norm. So, to me, the problem is not very earth-shattering. However, I am giving my perspective totally honestly.

(a) The prospective bride (the girl) must introspect about the entire situation very calmly. She will have to consider all the pros and cons of the inter-caste marriage. Is she working or planning to work in future? She needs to think the possible social repercussion (from her extended family members/relatives). If she feels that she would be able to withstand the pressure, snide comments, possibility of ostracization, she must go for this marriage. At the same time, she must be mentally prepared to look after her father in future during his twilight years of life. The girl must discuss about all these issues with the boy and his family well in advance. The boy's family also must be mature and sensible enough to anticipate and handle these issues in future. Money is not the only issue in this case.

(b) The father of the girl (uncle of the author) must give a hard thinking on the issue. He should try to analyse the attitude of the boy and his family. Are they educated, cultured and flexible enough to handle this situation in future? What about the boy? Can he adjust with his future son-in-law? Can the future son-in-law adjust with him in future, in case of his joining the family of his daughter? What about the family obligations of the boy? Is he strong enough to meet his family obligations and at the same time become a true partner after marriage? If the uncle feels that the boy is suitable for his daughter after considering all these issues, he must go for the marriage, irrespective of the objection of his own relatives regarding the caste factor. For the sake of happiness of his own daughter, he has to take a stand against his relatives, even if it is painful

(c) I also hope that with the passage of time after marriage, the opposition from the extended family of the girl will gradually diminish.

Author: Bala    28 May 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 25  (Rs 25)    Voting Score: 0

Decisions, decisions, we all come to certain time in life where one has to take the stand and make that serious choice and be willing to face the consequences. It is good in a way, because we cannot deflect the blame when things go wrong, and gain in character and admiration when things go right.

The main points from what I understand are the marriage of the two, and the care of uncle.
There is no known problem from the groom's side as of now. There is from the bride's side, plenty of it.
Uncle has already seen upheavals between other family members, so that is pretty much a constant, whether he decides one way or another. If he tries to say one thing, some relative will say something else and the issue rarely dies out on its own.

So what remains is the confirm things between the couple. Are there any concerns about the ability of the groom to handle family life and keep up the business on his own? Has he been rather an errand-boy for his father in business? It happens, when the older generation does not let go of the decision-making power to their children. Basically is he self-propelled? Does he make his own decisions or does he let others step in to decide when it has to come from him only? Then one big worry about the care of the daughter is taken care of.

Next, the bride has to know and fully understand that when some issues come up with her new husband/in-laws, she will not have much to fall back on except her father. Father will not be there forever. Other relatives of father side are not likely to help out because of caste issues. She'll be on her own. Is she brave and wise enough to handle this? One cannot think issues will not come between couples – it will, even if it looks all rosy and romantic now. It is not a bad thing, it is something to prepare in advance and keep in good communications and gentle honesty between the two. Preparation can solve issues better whenever it comes.

Uncle is already more mature than other relatives in that he accommodates inter-caste marriage, even if his son's didn't pan out well. That's okay, there is no guarantee that any kind of marriage will pan out on its own merit. He must have faced flak from that decision about his son's marriage. The relatives who opposed it couldn't stop that. I would say that this is 2nd round of the same but the consequences can be more damaging from relatives because if any holds a grudge from the son's marriage, that relative will likely be more provocative and mean.

I am aware that it is not generally accepted for father to live in daughter's house. Uncle has already broken one taboo with inter-caste marriage. So he can take heart and break another one if needed and acceptable from his daughter/son-in-law so he is taken care of. It is not like he is making a deal with the couple, but that he is open to the arrangement and willing to accept their care.

One cannot let life decisions be dictated by some traditions which may not be all that meaningful. Remember the news about one religious/traditional guy allowing his daughter to die just so a male doctor doesn't attend to her medical needs? Your uncle will be ridiculed but since he has some experience to stand up against the norms, he should be able to manage well.

There may be other issues to think about, like how things will flow when children come into the picture and uncle needs medical/financial care etc. I would suggest that he perhaps puts things in writing to deeply analyze the pros and cons, to see in print and not in memory the various scenarios that can play out. Then make an informed decision. What I said here is touching upon some major points only totally from an outsider's view.

One method for analyzing is to take a paper, fold it twice so there are 4 quarters. Write in the 4 sections points that fit there.
High priority + important
High priority + not important
Low priority + important
Low priority + not important
This can give a better view of things as from uncle's viewpoint. He knows more details about various aspects.

Finally after sorting things out, it is always better to put the needs of others before our own. Whether or not it earns the goodwill of the recipients, God sees that and he is not the kind to forget deeds of love; he will surely provide for uncle as needed.

Author: Joyshree    29 May 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

I have read the entire problem. The first thing that I would like to say here is that in the 21st century caste system is too trivial to worry about. Your uncle should worry about whether this boy will take care of his daughter and her father, I mean, your uncle properly or not.
A marriage is not a tie up only between the girl and the boy, it intertwined ties between each one of the girl's family with each one in the boy's. Will that be successful after this marriage? What will happen if this boy behaves like the girl your uncle's son married and becomes very insensitive towards the girl's father? But knowing the fact that, the boy doesn't want to elope his would be bride, but wants to marry her only with everybody's blessings, it seems that this boy is good at heart.
The next important thing is that whether the boy is solvent enough to take care of his wife. Although every belonging of the boy's family is under the ownership of his father, ultimately this boy is the logical heir to a house and a factory. This ensures the blissful life of the girl post marriage.
Another thing you must find out is whether this boy is a genuine guy or not. Do a background check on him. Find out whether all the information found about this boy is true or not. You need to make sure that this boy is not bluffing the girl only to get hold of the rest of the property your uncle has. If all this comes clean, then proceed with the marriage. Regarding keeping ties with his community, he can show people that this marriage is against his will. Only let a few of his close family members know the truth. This way the community will break ties with the girl only and not his father.
You can also go through my article on Top tips to convince orthodox parents for marriage to get more information on this matter.

Author: Avi    11 Jul 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 6  (Rs 6)    Voting Score: 0

It's common story nowadays. I have wrote good comments for love marriage situation in following Q/A. It will help her to make choice between father and boyfriend.
How to convince your girlfriends parents for love marriage
In short girl should be asked following questions.
1. There are very few caste are non vegetarian so discrimination will happen after inter-caste marriage. There could be situation where she will have to cook non veg if in laws ask. First she has to be clear whether is it good for her to marry in such family.
2. Is she ready to accept faith of other caste. Brahmin's are much educated to accept things but she might have to follow her in laws place rituals even if she don't like.

If girl is ready to sacrifice all of above then go ahead.
For father here are some point he can be suggested.
1. He can not stop his kids but he can make own choice. Like his kids choose. He should talk to his relatives along with his daughter. I would say all of them should sit and discuss whether really groom's family is deserving? Make out points and ask to girl to think about it.
2. Girls father should personally call the boy's parents to meet and talk. If both parties are not agreed then no need to entertain their children.
3. There are divorce happening in love and arrange marriages both. There are girls and boys who have fell in love multiple times. I would recommend to wait for 2 more years keep convincing your children.
4. Ultimately sooner or later children feels about their parents because they also become parent someday. So parents always has advantage to not to agree with children and stick to their point for their good. In last years of live they deserve happiness and not the bad words from society. On contrary girl has to think that if her father or relative is not agree then she has to end relationship with them for good.

Now all are independent and well earning so no one ask each other except festivals and sickness. But in India that is most important to survive to be socialize. Tell your uncle not to worry and keep his side strong for his own good. Suggest him to get marry again with his age woman to have company and not to be alone.

Author: [Anonymous]    05 Sep 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 5  (Rs 5)    Voting Score: 0

It is nice to hear author's uncle who is a senior citizen do not believe in caste discrimination and has no problem with the fact that boy who is about to marry her daughter and who is in love with her is not Brahman but belongs to a lower caste. Now the problem is that after marriage daughter will leave his house and uncle will be left alone and as said son and his wife is not in regular touch and have clearly declared that they will not keep any relationship with uncle or his daughter and same is said by other relatives too. If daughter marry her love then it is the responsibility of daughter to look after her father. It is because of her that her father will lose all the relationships he has and will be left all alone. Loneliness during old age is very miserable. Throughout our lives we may not require anybody but it is during our old age we always desire that someone can sit beside us and take care.

Daughter should communicate and convince both her father as well as her future husband and may be in-laws that she will be the one who wants to take care of her father, the way he has done throughout his life. Otherwise, she will be as good and as ungrateful as her brother who has never bothered to come and visit his old father nor is willing to take care of her. If her would be husband and in-laws agrees and are happy with the fact only then she should marry him. Also, father should not disagree for this. He should allow her to do so. Either she can ask him to stay with her or else can frequently visit him if two places are very nearby.

Also, such relatives are of no good who base their relations on terms and conditions and directly or indirectly warn about breaking contacts if uncle's daughter is going to marry in another caste. Relationships have to be healthy without if's and but's. Though uncle is fond of his brother and sister and other relatives but if these people are coming in between his daughter's happiness then how can they be of any good to him. They do not simply understand that she has a life of her own and can marry any one she likes. Though uncle wants to keep good relations but if they are not ready then he can do nothing about it. His arms are open, if others are not ready for compassion then may be they are the ones who are narrow minded. There is no scarcity of people who understands compassion and I am pretty sure uncle will definitely find good friends who deserve his good gesture and compassion rather than name sake relatives.

Each and every father wants his daughter to marry a person who is financially secure. Since the boy belongs to a higher middle class, it is obvious that uncle is a little worried about security. It is better that home as well as small scale business which boy's father is about to name it under boy's name is legally done right before marriage. This will afford him some sense of security. Also may be boy right now is not that rich but with his sheer determination and hard work can achieve higher targets in coming future. Uncle should meet the boy and discuss with him his future plans. Then uncle can very well analyze whether there will be a scope for improvement in financial status in near future or boy is simply happy with what he has in present and don't want to expand anything.

Uncle's concern about his daughter is not unnecessary. He has seen his own son married to girl belonging to another caste and got separated from his father. He had seen many break-ups and divorces. However, it is not necessary that same thing will happen to his daughter. Every one creates their own destiny and if the relationship between two individuals is true then no matter what age difference they have and what caste or religion they belong to, they will have a happily married life. Even arranged marriages do not survive and divorces are happening. Thus, let the couples write their own destiny and let them be responsible for either making or marring the future. Uncle's son who himself got married to a girl belonging to another caste and thus do not have a right to say that he is against this marriage.

In my opinion, uncle's daughter has a life of her own, so let her decide for herself. Since she has already chosen a boy she wants to marry then every one should respect her decision and stop making calculations. Since uncle will be left alone, it is duty of his daughter to look after him. This too cannot be forced on her. Let her decide she wants to be responsible or do not wish to carry extra baggage. If girl is okay with the financial status of boy then uncle should stop worrying about it and let the couple together woke prosperity and progress in coming future.

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