Ask Experts » Family & Life » Marriage »

How to convince my girlfriend' s parents for love marriage

Date: 30 May 2016    Group: Family & Life    Category: Marriage   

I am 26 yrs old from Pune. My caste is 96 Kuli Maratha and I am in love with a girl from the past 4.5 yrs. She is from Brahmin caste. Her parents are against our marriage and the girl is not ready to do registered marriage. We have tried to convince her parents and they have opposed the marriage. Now my girlfriend is not behaving nicely with me. She cries that there is no option to convince her parents for our love marriage. She wanted me to convince her parents and I have tried my level best. I feel that once we do court marriage things may settle down.
Her mother tried to make her emotional by crying and saying to get married in caste. From 04-21-2016 she has changed her mind and said that until and unless her parents agree she will not marry me. From that day onwards till now I am convincing her but she is not ready for love marriage without her parents permission. She says every time even we get married we will not get good wishes from her parents. She want her parents to get ready for us and then only she will be happy in future with me and with my family. I have done my best to keep her happy from last 4.5 yrs but by some reasons there were also some big fights between us. Today I cried in front of her and I saw tears in her eyes. I am confused about why she is behaving like this and what is in her heart and mind.

Can you give me a good solution about how to convince her parents as they know about our relationship from past 3 yrs? I cant leave without her and want to live my entire life with her.
Experts: do advice.

Finding it difficult to convince the girl's parents for marriage? Find loads of advice from experts here, on this page.

Author: Kailash Kumar    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Platinum     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

Though the author has mentioned his age and caste, but no light has been thrown on his education or job. I think one of the possible solution may be to clear civil services examination or such high/top position with decent earning capacity. In such a scenario, the parents of the girl are likely to rethink about their point of view. I think most of the parents are concerned about happy life of their children after marriage. In case of daughters, they wish that their would be son-in-law to be highly educated with best possible job of stable / secure nature. Only emotions/sentiments or feeling of care/love etc. is not considered enough for life long relationships of happier kind.
Therefore in my opinion, the author should forget about the caste etc. which are non-issues and consider for attaining a high and prestigious position with decent earning even if there is adequate parental property etc.

Author: Partha Kansabanik    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I have read the question very carefully. My suggestions are:-

(a) Introspect. If you think you can look after the girl well after the marriage, then try to convince her first.
(b) Introspect. Do you think you can match the expectation of the girl's parents in terms of all other aspects (except the caste which can't be changed)? If the answer is positive then go for the marriage.
(c) You have not mentioned the views of your own family members. Are they ready to accept a Brahmin daughter-in-law? Are they sure of your capability? What about the future conflict within your own family after the marriage? Think about all these aspects before going for the marriage.
(d) Now strategy. Take into confidence some your reliable friends (better if they are common friends). Discuss the matter with them threadbare. Try to convince the girl's parents by your common friends.
(e) Check whether the girl can live with you without emotional support of her family members.
(f) If you are not sure about yourself or the aforesaid aspects, back out from this relationship; it would not do good to either of you.

Author: Venkiteswaran.    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

To me two alternatives occur to this situation.

1.I feel that the girl is really confused and torn between two strong pulls. Even if you go for civil marriage, opposing or ignoring her parents, I do not think she will be happy. There will be a sense of guilt, remorse and regret in her mind. I think she is right when she adamantly says that she will marry only after getting the wholehearted content from her parents. It is a natural feeling of a normal child to the parents.
You should also adopt a similar strong stand like her that you both will marry only after wholehearted acceptance by her(and your) parents and their blessings. You both should convince the parents that you both will remain unmarried till then, but will be sincere in the mutual love and affection.
There is chance that slowly they may get convinced about your right stand and all may end well as you wish.

Now the second option:
2. I think both of you have to better part as friends with proper understanding and wishing best each other. Why I say this is not in general, but only from this case as I understand certain underlying things. Though it may appear difficult and strenuous at start, by and by, if you keep apart and do not keep contacts for a good period, slowly you will get over from this as from seeing a tragic movie. In that case the parents will be happy, both of you can also be relieved of any guilt and regret.

Discuss both options thoroughly. Either of them need your strong will power and maturity in thoughts and actions.
Best Wishes.

Author: Mahesh    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

Your best option in most cases is to show your commitment in relationship and showing that you are financially stable. If you are not financially stable then obviously parents are going to be against this. I think that sort of state of mind is going to be there for every generation. Even if you become parent then you'd think the same. In this case your best option is to increase the odds in your favor. I'd say make sure you become more financially stable and come out as better prospect in their eyes. If this turn out to be more "caste" and "pride" issue then it is upto you adult couples to decide how to get over this issue and either marry or move on from each other. That's the practical view I can offer in this sort of situation.

Author: neelam joshi    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 4  (Rs 4)    Voting Score: 0

Its very difficult for an upper caste family to accept an intercaste relationship especially a brahmin family even if that family happens to be broadminded, becuase after such marriage their own community will bycott them.
This bycoting is a tacit,true but harsh reality of our society and for bearing that insult within their own community the family of girl has to be very strong and above all they will make sure that the boy their daughter has selected is capable financially and mentally to bear the responsiblity of their daughter or not and make her happy for rest of her life.
And the boy need to be patient for convincing a girls parents it will take time for them to accept it, but no matter how hard they seems to crack but still they are her parents and has loved her more then any one else can does.
But if they are not sure about a secured future about their daughters future wiht the boy how they will accept such relationship with so much risk and lot of things at stake.
So the boy needs to win them by showing his capablity of keeping thier daughter happy mentally as well as financially.
And above all you should be proud of having a girl like that by your side who loves her parents that much, and you should try to convince them with patience and strong will power rather then forcing the girl for doing something which she does not want to do to hurt her family.
Because any such decission by her can cause to break all her ties from her parents and in such situation how could you expect her to stay happy with you.
So be patient try to win them and put more efforts becuase changing perception of aociety is really very difficult task but not impossible.

Author: susmitha    01 Jun 2016      Member Level: Bronze     Points : 5  (Rs 5)    Voting Score: 0

First thing you need to do is ask yourself and your girlfriend do you really want to get married despite of all obstacles your facing or you will be facing in future. If you want to and if your 100% committed you guys will sure find a way.

Where is a will, There is a way.
I think its not your only responsibility to convince her parents. Both of you should try your best.And yes your girlfriend is right getting approval of both your parents is really important. You can't just runaway and get married. That's not how you do it.
They are your parents who worked day and night to good education and good life. Don't betray them like that.

Even then if you feel like running away and get married. you will regret it.The guilt will haunt you all your life.

Be financially independent first. Excel in whatever field your working.

Tell strongly to your parents your committed and will never marry anybody else no matter what happens and stick to it because if your not confident about your own relationship how can you expect your parents to trust you.

Ask her parents what is their objection for marriage. Explain them confidently how your going keep her happy after marriage. Make them feel confident their daughter will sure be happy if she gets married to you.

In this process of convincing them you may face many obstacles, insults etc but don't give up.

Don't neglect your professional life. Be each others strength.

Be optimistic.

I hope my answer helps you. All the best.

Author: Mathi Gopal    03 Jun 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

If you really love the girl then you have to approach her parents and try to convince them about your relationship. Every parent is concerned about the future of their daughter. Explain them how you can take a proper care of their daughter.

Tell them about your job profile and your family to assure them about the safety and security of their daughter. In this modern age caste difference is not a big issue. Marriages are taking place in different religions also.

Try to know about their problems also. Ask them about the reason behind their refusal to your marriage. If your girlfriend also loves you truly, then she will also support you to convince her parents.

When her parents will see that both of you are happy and comfortable with each other, surely they will get convinced for your marriage. If your parents are supportive for your marriage then tell them to meet your girlfriend's parents and talk to them regarding it.

Author: Sheo Shankar Jha    03 Jun 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

If you are confident to tackle the issue, you should have frank discussion with the parents of the girl and can show ample proof of your financial stability so that there would not be any impediment in sustaining your relationship after marriage. You have not indicated your status with respect to qualification and earnings so that this point should be included in the agenda of discussion.
No marriage would be successful without having any consideration of the consistent income of the husband and so this the central point to forge ahead in the relationship.
It would be absolutely be essential for you to take the parents of the girl in confidence about your consistent behaviour, your income and above all, your mental - frame such as your trustworthiness and reliability to continue the relationship. Moreover, you have to involve yourself with the family issues and assure them of your whole hearted co- operation in event of any adversity.
A repeated approach with adequate courtesy would ultimately give you success.

Author: shweta    27 Jun 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I believe, personally both of you need to be very staunch and committed here in this relation. Firstly, you have stated that her parents are not accepting your offer, but please specify is it just the caste they are worried about, or your social or financial status too.
Is your family willing to get you married there, or this is not known to them.
If it is just the simple reason of inter caste marriage that they are refusing, then you need to talk to your girl and convince her to be strong and stand up against all wedding offers which her parents bring. Keep refusing and tell the parents strongly that you are the one she would ever marry.
If she wont be strong, then she will certainly give up. sometimes, it is easy to fall in love but sailing safe in that water is really difficult.
Secondly, please involve your elders in this, I mean your family. Let your head of the family, be your parents go and talk to her parents. These issues should be solved through proper channel.
wish you all the best.

Author: [Anonymous]    07 Jul 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I have seen same situation for my known friend whose caste was Brahmin and girl was Maratha. I can tell it is not impossible. They did it convincing their parents. First thing first understand your partner about everything.
1. Specially culture in their caste , like Brahmin people do many pre and post marriage ceremony for their kids specially boy which other caste don't do. Ask your partner all the habbits she/he like which can conflict in future. E.g. Brahmin people don't cook or eat non veg. My friend situation his wife eats non veg but he don't. So likewise there will be conflicts in future but that time you got to respect each other. Are you ready for all this ? Yes then follow next point.
2. If you both are good earning and ready for some sacrifices then ask parents to allow marriage in simple ceremony with known relatives present. This is what my friend did.
3. Ultimately at this moment your parents must be black mailing you for their and your good. Because once you do this marriage, surrounding people going to ask them why your son/girl did this? This is going to happen till they die. So better to get at least relatives agreement.
4. You have to visit her parents and her family alone, if you dare that you are winner. My friend did that. No one should be liable to your love and choice. Show all what you have and how can girl be safe in your home.

There are divorce happening in love and arrange marriages both. There are girls and boys who have fell in love multiple times. I would recommend to wait for 2 more years keep convincing your parents. There are some drawbacks you might face.
1. If you do court marriage and try to throw reception after that which remains unlike with very few people then you will feel guilt not having good marriage. This causes tension between you and her later.
2. My friend later did not like way girls people treated him in simple marriage ceremony and now he blames and feels bad that he went against his parents.
3. Marriage is one time event so don't take decision just for possessiveness. You might feel regret later when you will realize what you missed.

All the best and wish you both get together.

Author: Reena Upadhya    28 Jul 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 7  (Rs 7)    Voting Score: 0

Four and half years of relation is a long one and when such long relationship does not meet a happy ending, things becomes unacceptable and this is what you are experiencing in your relationship. The longer relationship gets, more plans related to future we start making in our minds.

Caste system is a strong belief and is been running in our society as well as in our minds from age old times. No matter how modern one becomes and how sophisticated touch one gives to one's personality, these kinds of beliefs related to caste systems and thoughts about discrimination lingers in our minds from time to time. Girl you love is Brahman which is considered to be a superior one and her parents there by not accepting marriage between you two as you belong to another caste. However, this is not an unseen scenario. Reason behind their nonacceptance is their strong beliefs running in their minds which appears to be unchanged and unshaken.

If you want to get married to her you need to change belief systems of girl's parents. It is because belief system is the root cause of each thought and each thought is responsible for creation of a personality and destiny. Your girl as you have said will never marry you unless her parents have agreed to it. For this, first you two need to unite. Instead of going against them and instead of complaining about her behavior towards you, all you have to do is accept the way things are going. You need to discuss with her and instill a lot of positive attitude in her and ask her to stop thinking negatively and support you altogether so that both of you can together convince her parents.

Now regarding belief systems of parents. It is okay for today's generation to now believe in caste discrimination but elderly individuals lived almost in a different sort of world and thus it is high time that we discuss things with them. To change their thoughts you need to make them understand that their beliefs they are holding inside is how outdated and not at all of a meaning and purpose in today's world. You need to start from basics. It is like a teacher teaching basics to a kinder garden kid.

Communication is a key to all sorts of problems. If you and your girl quarrel and do not communicate then things will not turn out good. Both you along with your supporters should together go and speak to girl's parents. Know what the problem is. Underlying hidden beliefs are the root cause of our thoughts and once each belief system is changed, thoughts too along with our personality changes and thus we ourselves are responsible for creation of our destiny. As of now your destiny lies in your hands. Gather courage and work together united.

Girl wants her parents to be happy about her decision of getting married to you and this is not at all a wrong thing. I understand your concern and your belief that once registered marriage is done, everyone will agree and everything will settle down on its own. But it is not necessary that what you are thinking will happen for sure. Just give it a thought that what will happen if her parents will never accept you and will cut off from her completely. Then, will she be able to live happily with you. It is a big day for her and she wants her parents to bless her with good wishes. She is right in her own way if she is thinking that marriage will not turn out to be greatly successful if her parents are not ready.

You people are in a relationship from 4.5 years and you say that you will not be able to live without her and you constantly complain about her behavior towards you but then think about the girl who has a way longer relationship with her parents than with you. Thus, she is finding it difficult and showing a nonacceptance for registered marriage. Be understanding and love her and I am sure your efforts will win her parents leading to a happy marriage.

Post Answer

You must Sign In to post a response.

Post Answer        

Read related posts: Love    

Related Questions
  • Return to Question Index
  • Ask Question to Experts

  • Awards & Gifts
    Top Contributors
    TodayLast 7 Daysmore...

    ISC Technologies, Kochi - India. © All Rights Reserved.