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How to deal with feeling discomfort with my fiance and be happy with impeding marriage?


Date: 18 Aug 2016   Posted By: pooja     Group: Family & Life    Category: Marriage   

I am 25 years old girl pursuing M.tech. engaged in February of this year. Its an arranged marriage. My fiance is an engineer working for a multinational company. My marriage has been fixed in the month of January by my parents. At that time, they had asked me about my opinion. Though I was not much comfortable, I gave my positive feedback as everything was good except his height which is exactly same as that of mine. I consoled myself saying nobody is perfect. We were far away from each other so phone call was only way to connect. Eight days before our engagement we had a comfortable talk and first time I felt like, yes I am ready to get engaged. I was very happy on my engagement ceremony. After engagement hardly 10 days I was enjoying each and every moment. After that he started to reduce talking on phone giving reason that he is too exhausted. Once I asked about it, he answered me, 'you are failing in keeping me awake'. Still I was trying for a good conversation. I have noticed that he is very happy mainly to do sexual chat. Now everything is going good. He is very happy being with me as he told me but I'm not. Something is going wrong in my place. We are getting married in three months. I am trying to come out of this situation. I want to feel blessed and loved and not feel disomfort and have doubts. Please guide me to deal with my conflicting feelings.

Having conflicting feelings about your fiance? Go through the views expressed in the responses below on dealing with such a situation.


Author: Venkiteswaran.    19 Aug 2016      Member Level: Diamond     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

You are not alone in this matter as it is arranged marriage. Your parents would have done needed background enquiries and enquires about the groom's character. So rest assured and do not precipitate matter by pressing too much or worrying too much.
As marriage is nearing , he may have much job to do and complete before taking leave. He may be true when he said he was exhausted. After marriage you can have more time with him.
In case you still have some doubts and discomfort, please talk to your mother or some similar well wishing relative with whom you can confide things.
As I see it from what you described, there does not appear anything abnormal, as you say that he is happy. Forget your discomfort. Equal height is something many pairs wish for. You should also be happy. Please do not nourish unrealistic dreams and expectations. Those where there height difference may be feeling to have equal height partner. Be realistic, sincerely happy and keep positive good thoughts. Keep faith in God and your parents. Prepare for the marriage and help your parents to have a nice marriage conducted smoothly. Your doubts and fears will just melt away.

Best Wishes.



Author: Kailash Kumar    19 Aug 2016      Member Level: Platinum     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

This scenario described by the author particularly the nature of chat is very personal and private to two consenting individuals. However, prior to actual solemnization of marriage certain restraint has to be observed as generally the humans are known to have dual standards in conjugal matters. The have a different set of standards for their own spouses and quite different for others. Once the marriage is consummated, then the spouses are free to lead their life the way they wish and prefer. Opening up too much even on coaxing prior to marriage may not necessarily lead to a very positive image.

Perhaps the author is undergoing through the phase of pre-wedding anxiety. There appears nothing abnormal in the same. By having a positive outlook and being ready to adjustments in post-wedding life, this phase is likely to pass smoothly.


Author: Sheo Shankar Jha    19 Aug 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

I do share with your feeling and it is absolutely essential to have regular datings with the opposite partner to ascertain the mental - frame of the partner with whom you are to spend entire life.
You may share your feelings along with you mother and keep her apprised of your feelings and even it would be better to substantiate the outcome of such arranged marriage. So far you have not been married and still there is room for reconsideration of the same proposal.
Your constant negativity would ruin your mental peace and it may impact your health condition.
As far as your your qualification is concerned, you would certainly enjoy a respectable career in your life and you would come across numerous attractive proposals of marriages. After all, mental adjustment is a vital issue and without this peace cannot be achieved.


Author: Reena Upadhya    20 Aug 2016      Member Level: Silver     Points : 5  (Rs 5)    Voting Score: 2

Doubt should not be the foundation of marriage. In fact no relationship can last long if doubt hinders its course. Always remember that you are just engaged and not yet married. If you are having second thoughts about your marriage then you have to take it seriously because stitch in time saves nine. You can save yourself as well as the person you are marrying by backing off.

As far as I know whether it is an arranged marriage or a love one, initial days are very sweet. You are engaged and you people should be spending good times with each other. Real problem starts after a few years. Initially everything is nice and sweet. Bitterness starts after a few months or years. If your fiance is not showing any interest in you right now when you people are in so called golden time period then it is a matter of concern.

Communicate with him. Communication can solve any problem. You will be spending rest of your life with him and thus you have to have a clear conversation with him. Things which you feel he is doing wrong, things which you want him to work on and everything that is bothering you should be expressed to him loud and clear.

These are just initial days and if you people cannot communicate with each other during this time period then you can think of fate of your relationship. Your partner cannot give such excuses that you are the one who is not able to keep him awake. If he is interested in you, no matter how busy his work schedule is, he will always find time to spend with you.

Another matter of concern you have written is that your fiance is interested in having only sex chat. This is not bad but becomes a matter of concern when communication is limited to it. You people should be able to talk about everything and not just certain topics. You will be life partners and thus if you want to share your life with one another then you better start having a meaningful conversation which covers everything and if he is not amused to do so then again think about it seriously as you cannot let go things like this. As far as discomfort is concerned, your partner if he really wants to be your husband should be able to have sensed it. Things that bother you, things which make you uncomfortable should not be brought up. This is what a good partner does.

You said you want to feel blessed and loved and that is only possible if you have a perfect marriage. Since marriage is a relationship between two individuals, both of you should play equal roles. You cannot leave everything on future. You cannot close your eyes and say to yourself that with passing times everything is going to be alright and your fiance who will be your husband in future will love you the way you want him to.

Always remember future will be what your present is. If you sow good seeds in present, you will reap healthy plants out of it. You will be deciding your fate. It is up to you to decide what you have to do and what not. But before deciding anything, have a real conversation with him. You need to clear all your doubts and have a nice chat on all those matters which bother you. If possible, meet him as many times as possible as face to face things will be different than on talking to some one on phone.

Agreed that it is an arranged marriage but that simply does not mean you can let the things bother you. You have to talk to your parents, friends as well as to your fiance. Seek help of others, discuss your problems with them. I will say that you need to know your partner well before marrying him to rule out any trouble in your future relationship.


Author: Timmappa Kamat    20 Aug 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 2  (Rs 2)    Voting Score: 0

Please note that if you are feeling any kind of discomfort in the behaviour being shown by your fiance, it would be better to sort out the differences before it is too late. Getting close to a person does reveal many facets of ones character. Maybe you have felt that something is not right with the groom. If that is the case, talk to your parents openly. Beginning a new relationship on the basis of doubts would not be a good idea.

It could also be an example of pre-wedding anxiety. In either case, I would advice you to confide with the people you believe - preferably within family.


Author: Avi    23 Aug 2016      Member Level: Gold     Points : 3  (Rs 3)    Voting Score: 0

First you both are well educated and must be gone through the environment where you might have talked or heard talk about physical relationship. Since you are doing arranged marriage, it is expected to have possessiveness, eagerness for physical activity. If you both can't be open to each other on that topic then who will talk? Mostly love marriage couple already gone through physical relationship so they won't get nervous this way.

Solution for you is to talk with your fiance and explain him that you don't like chat or discussion on sexual topics. Instead tell him to have dating outside more often to understand each other. Every couple wanted to have special day of honeymoon. In your case fiance is just desperate. But he will be good after having talk with you.

For height , If you guys have same height then it is expected that your future generation will have good height too. Don't worry it is the guy who should worry about height not you.

It will be good to keep distance with each other till marriage and plan for post marriage things to do. After marriage you will have all the time in world together.

For your scariness about marriage. Arrange marriage is secure gambling in which either you win or no one wins. Try to analyse situation with partner within year. If it is not working then you can file annulment to void marriage. It is like marriage even not happened. After year you will have to take divorce. For now just enjoy conversation time with your fiancee.





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