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  • Category: Marriage

    Why can't marriage be a personal decision?


    Worried about an inter-caste marriage? Get some general advice here.

    I want to marry a Jain boy whom I love deeply and can't live without, but my father is a strict Islamic politician who would never let that happen. The boy's family is ready to accept me and even I am ready to become a Jain but my dad and relatives would kill me. I cannot live without him and even he cannot live without me. He is a very good man and has never forced me to become a Jain but I am willingly ready to do that. I am so afraid that I did not even tell anything to my parents. I really don't know what at to do? Please help me.
  • #141657
    Ayesha I can understand your catch 22 situation where in your love life relegated to back stage thinking too much about your religion and the retaliation of your parents. You are 21 years old and that means you are the major and has the right to decide on your future. Nothing is impossible without discussion and deliberations. Please remember parents are not your enemy. Have guts to say the truth and say with confidence to them that you are in love with the Jain boy and fully decide to change the community and marry him for future happiness. No parent would be a hurdle for a happy kid. Though there may be some strong protest and even see saw from your parents, but you must be very firm and convincing in your behavior so that you can convey your inner urge and preference to that boy and nothing else. Surely your parents would also change.
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #141660

    Ms. Khan: I have read your question very carefully. I am giving this advice considering legal repurcussions and from my personal experience to handle such case (marriage of a Muslim girl and a Buddhist boy).

    1. Your religion does not permit such marriage.
    2. You are ready to accept Jain way of life. You have also stated that the boy's family is ready to accept you as their family member.
    3. I assume that the boy is also above 21 and he is earning a living.
    4. The best way to get married is under Special Marriages Act (registered marriage). In that case, both of you can follow your own respective religions.
    5. If that is not possible, get married in an Arya Samaj Temple and then register your marriage. That marriage is legal.
    6. But please remember the following aspects:-
    (a) The boy and his family-members must be ready to accept your responsibility.
    (b) At the time of marriage, please keep the document establishing your date of birth ready with you. This is extremely important, so that nobody can complain that you are a minor.
    (c) Please be ready to accept a different life-style. Both your partner and you will have to adjust and bear a lot.
    (d) Please seek police protection from the Magistrate at the time of marriage.
    (e) You may also seek help from various social organisations in your locality.
    7. Please don't consider suicide as an option. Remember life is great.

    Best of Luck!


    Caution: Explosive. Handle with care.

  • #141661
    The people who follow religion are likely to impose their own rules when it comes to marriage. In every country that seems to be the problem. Many couples around the world suffered due to this conservative nature. In your case same issues are likely to happen. Many jain and hindu women too suffer if they wish to marry muslim boy. Because often the religious extremism and conservative views stop people in love from marrying.

    Marriage can be personal decision when the guy is rich enough to avoid the pressure of parents. Same goes for woman. if She is working and independent then she can handle the parental pressure just fine.

    By being dependent on parents for decisions and finances many boys and girls are losing their capacity to handle parental pressure. Unless you grow in terms of finance and personal decision making, it'd be harder to handle this marriage. If I were to be around you guys, I'd have asked parents of both sides to adjust with each other. But I guess that's something you guys have to pull out from here onwards.

  • #141677
    Marriage contract should be settled keeping in view of the following parameters so that the couples can lead a successful married life. The main considerations are as follows -
    1) There should be similar liking in respect of rational thinking, due appreciation of emotional - sentiment apart from stable mind.
    2) Mutual - sacrifice should be the sole criteria in order to make the partner satisfied emotionally and in the event of sickness, due care of the partner would strengthen the relationship.
    3) Stable - income of the partners is essential to take care of the family - budget and the couples would need sufficient money for the upkeep of their children by way of education or any medical - expense to be incurred in case of any health - disorder arising out later on in the upcoming - time.
    4) Due regard is to be given to the close relatives to either of sides so that no unnecessary complaint arises if such issues are not attended to amicably.
    In order to solve the impediment, you should have a frank talk with your father and you should be polite enough in your conversation and series of such talks could resolve the present impasse. Make your father understand that religion does not make any sense in maintenance of a successful marriage but reliability, mutual trust and sacrifice for each other would make the marriage more meaningful.

  • #141684
    First of all, please note that in India, marriages are not done only to a girl and a guy. Its the wedding between two families. So if the family is comfortable with each other the life will be easier.
    Legally, there is nothing wrong in selecting a guy of your choice is you are 18 and above. But the real problems start after marriage. The couple who have married in the same community face so many problems, difference of opinions in their life. Think about you. You are of a completely different religion. Your lifestyle, your beliefs, your dressing, speaking, food everything is different. The mindset of people will be completely different. Your husband maynot object and may give you all the freedom but what about his family? It can be really hard for you to adjust with them or for them to accept you in the family and this may lead to lot of problems. You should have thought of all these thinks before itself as you knew your family's reaction very well.

    Anyways, happened is happened. Cant change it. You have many options now.. First, leave your family and go to him and get married. This doesnt sound great and who knows your family may try to find u and may lead to lot of problems later.
    Second, Try to convince your family. Tell them you can never be happy without him.
    Third, forget him and marry a good guy of your family's choice. Time can heal anything.

    Option is yours. Think wise, and take the right decision

  • #141689
    No no Nowayz, forgetting him is not at all an option for me, i can live unmarried my whole life but cannot marry any other guy except him, i will surely try to convince my father, my mother is fine with me and my love, i will try to convince my dad, and i guess special marriage act is a good option for us

  • #141694
    When the parents arrange a marriage they convince their children about the match and its pros and cons.
    On the contrary in love marriages and inter caste marriages the onus of convincing the parents lies on the girl and the boy. It may look difficult to convince the adamant parents but there is no other way than that.
    One thing is also to be understood clearly that if a person is in love and is sure about his lover that he will keep all the promises and vows in place then there is no place of fear in this proposition. Remember boldness is the key to get through such situations and even if the families are against the match, there is nothing to be worried. Only thing is you should have confidence that you can live in this world without parental support. Check your and your lovers financial status also before taking the drastic actions.
    There are instances when after a long time the parents come back to their children forgetting all old memories and justifying everything and telling that times have changed and everything is acceptable.
    So get up and be ready for action. Best of luck.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #141700
    As you said Ayesha, that you are very clear that you are not going to leave the boy for anything, then you have to look for the other options available.From what you have already written, it is very clear that your parents could be very ruthless and orthodox in this matter, so much so, that honor killing could be an option for them.
    1. Have you seen the movie NH10? I went to see that movie with my husband. At that time, I could not believe that a mother could be so ferocious with her child. But if that's the dark truth of honor killing, please do not disclose the truth to your parents at such an early stage. Remember it is not only your life which is at stake, your boyfriend too could end up in a terrible problem, if you disclose this now to your parents.
    2. Secondly, you are too young to get married now. Why are you thinking of marriage and the complications with your family at such a tender age. Your career will be at stake, if you marry anyone right now.
    3. Thirdly, let your boyfriend also achieve something in his career. Don't put marriage into his head right now. I guess your boyfriend also is of the same tender age as yours. Since his family has accepted you, you are already at an upper hand. Both of you study right now and achieve some goals in the career. Automatically your family will succumb to a person who is well settled in his career.
    4. For now, just introduce him to your family as your friend. Just let him mix with your family and gel with them. Soon everyone will be comfortable with him and your process of convincing will be much easier.
    5. If you see that your family is not at all comfortable with him, then pursue some scholarships abroad and leave this country with your boyfriend. Prime minister Modi has started a lot of scholarships for minorities. Avail the one that is applicable for studying abroad. Ask your boyfriend to pursue higher education in abroad along with you. This way, you will be able to stay close with your boyfriend, without being disturbed by your family and yet set your career.
    6. Lastly, Don't consider any drastic steps like marrying him first and then telling your family to be an option. Then all your hopes will die and your family will be after you and your boyfriend's life.

    Live life Kingsize!

  • #141715
    First: answer to the title question.: Why can't marriage be a personal decision?. Answer.: If some of our action only affects us individually then a personal decision can be taken on that. However when those actions also touch or connect others also then we may not be able to take without at least considering those factors.
    Marriage, though legally binds only two individuals, also socially binds and links two families and their extensions. A marriage also has some relation to a society or group which one lives with o belongs to.

    In the present day world we have seen how small individual issues also blow up to local quarrels and political and religious fights and even flare up to very big level affecting a large section. Sometimes individual matters are exploited cleverly by vested interests.
    But all said and done, the world is having good people and well wishers. It is they who sustain this world.
    Now, coming to your situation:

    You are only guessing that your father will oppose your marriage with a Jain boy. You say you have not told your parents anything. How much more you can hold secret if you really want to marry each other?
    So fist have a free and frank discussion with both side parents. There may be some fireworks initially.
    Parents being parents love their children. So even unacceptable things, they may find some via meia.
    If you are afraid to open the topic directly to your parents select some of your real well wishers in the family who have some approach to your parents to introduce the subject. Select a situation where you can discussion a exclusive privacy and frankness.

    In case your parents are opposed as you imagined, then,it needs great grit and determination to go against them and their supporters.

    If both of you are adults and attained eligible age for civil marriage, then you can go for civil marriage. Yu may have to get support of unbiased well wishers and whoever is sincerely going to support you. Take their help and take police help also if needed. Then go for civil marriage. Do not deliberately provoke the other sides, but be focused on your well being only. Please do not jump to any hasty decision. Take steps with caution and preparation with help of sincere supporters and well wishers.

    Best wishes.

  • #141728
    Marriage is totally a personal decision and no parent would settle the marriage of his/her son/daughter without taking their consent. Here lies the concept of understanding each other - the boy and the girl & the parents and the son/daughter. You mentioned that your affinity towards the boy is such that you are in deep love with him and your life without the boy seems to be losing the line. So, you have much trust in him while doing so, you can't escape from the responsibility of convincing your parents who have trusted you all the years and gave you the liberty to fall in love. They may not endorse your proposal in the first instance but I am sure they will think twice before arriving at a decision as every parent would think of the future of their son/daughter and it is their priority.

    Don't think of negative results but first try to reveal your love with your parents. Let both of the parents from your side and the other side sit together and get convinced. After all, a marriage is not only a bond between two souls but an enriching bond between two families.

    Regards,
    Jagdish

  • #141751
    1. All you need to do it convince parents. But I don't know how much patience your boy friend has?
    I have seen cases of eloping and getting married and even I have friend who is Hindu and his girl friend was Muslim but both are highly educated and well earning. But still like your situation parents did not agree and they did marriage in temple in presence of friends. Now they are happy living and after 2 years they have boy's parents blessing. Girls parents still not agreed but surely they will sooner or later.
    2. On contrary first think about consequence post marriage accepting things. Some religions don't tolerate non veg smell even around home. So ultimately you have to sacrifice a lot of personal desires. You don't just marry anyone , you respect their faith as well.
    3. Give two more years convincing parents. First get good job and become independent.
    4. Another choice is give option to parents that you will settle in another city far away. Parents also do worry about their family respect and honor place where they stay. So it is good you to move away from them. Parents can excuse people that you got married and settled outside. No one cares nowadays when marriage happened.
    All people cares about why others did and why we don't able too. Stay Safe. All the best.
    You are about to judge and decide not only your but lot other women's future.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • #141753
    Thank you everyone for your suggestions, i m sure it will help me and my boyfriend, i am convinced that i should build a carrier first than think of marriage, it may relax the situation in future and i can have a stand for my decision if i ll b financially independent


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