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  • Category: Marriage

    Want guidance to tackle this situation.....


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    I am a 28 year old professor of a government engineering college. I fell in love with a 20 years old student of my college. And unfortunately this matter created rumours among students and faculty. For that reason the girl was not so happy at me though previously she used to be fond of me.
    One month before, that girl was warned by HoD of her department about me as I don't have good relation with that person. The girl then stopped talking to me.
    Then two weeks before she approached me and talked normally.I then explained the entire truth to her that I love her and I apologised her for her suffering. She told me that it is shocking to her , she wants to be a simple student like others and said she is tired and wants to separate herself from this faculty politics.
    I am sincere enough about her studies and career. I can wait for her as long she wants to since I love her from inside.
    But after that (nearly one week) she stopped talking with me. I don't know her feelings about me and she may be annoyed enough about the clash between her departmental HoD and me. Now I left all clash with that person for her. What should be my next approach to her? What should I do now? I want to eradicate all misunderstanding but not getting chance to do that? How to back her in my life?
  • #142432
    First of all I say that the girl is right in the way she has reacted. I even appreciate her for that.
    About you and the situation:
    Let me asses and analyse the given situation from two angles. One ,the general angle and two the specific case angle.
    If I view it from a general angle, I can say that it is not a welcome attitude from a professor or teacher to have such attitude to a student under him. There is dominance –vulnerability situation. It may be just infatuation or a subjugation to a dominant and power yielding person by a helpless or vulnerable person. Here you are the dominant personality and the girl is the vulnerable helpless person. By normal ethics and moral standard your side is to blame. It can be termed as exploitation also. In that sense I would suggest you better terminate the peculiar relationship you want to have with her and treat her also as a student by a teacher.
    Now, the second angle. You are an eligible bachelor. The girl (apart from the fact that she is your student) is of eligible age to marry. She has a right to choose you as her life partner if she finds you suitable for that. In that case she should feel convinced that yours is not a fleeting affection originated from outward attractions and opportunity of proximity and interaction. There is nothing wrong for an eligible bachelor to think of proposing to an eligible woman of marriageable age. But for that first you have to know her mind.
    As a student, her priority is studies and completing the academic course successfully. She would have thought marriage as second priority and even if she had some favourable attitude to you, she would have thought that marriage can wait. She really wanted maturity and discretion from your side. But as the matter became public debated topic, she is really embarrassed. She would have naturally got shock and even doubted your maturity and ability to handle such matters.
    Now, there is a side of taking care of her honour and dignity. Please do not harass and embarrass her by pestering or reminding and following up. Behave as a normal teacher and student.
    In case you are serious of marrying her, with dignity and honour meet her elders (parents) without making it public. Keep her privacy intact. Diplomatically and discreetly open the topic (even directly) to her parents. Convince them that you are serious about this and would precede only if the girl also agrees for it. Assure them that her studies will not be discontinued and marriage can wait after the course or she can continue the studies even after marriage. If they also agree, proceed in the proper way how arranged marriages proceed.
    Once matters decided you both can declare the matter to public. Then everything will be alright.
    If the answer is negative from her or her parents side, accept it with grace and erase all the previous thoughts and expectations and be a good teacher taking things as a dream and behave normally. Do no make anything public. Avoid embarrassing her. You will have a good life ahead.
    But before all this ask yourself whether you are serious of the matter and whether she is comfortable with this.

  • #142434
    I will be brutally frank. You yourself is responsible for this situation. When I joined Railway, I noted that many Station Masters in that locality where I was posted married (sometime against their own will) to local women, most of of whom were working in the stations. Those relationships always caused bitter discord. When I came to Delhi, some of my fellow residents in the Bengali mess warned me about this problem-i.e., falling in love affairs in the working place.

    Your case is more complicated. As a lecturer, you are supposed to maintain a different relationship with your students. Love affair with a student is not good both for yourselves as well as for the reputation of the institution where you work. So ,it would be better for you to come out of the relationship. You may consider visiting the parents of the student and intimate that you don't want to pursue the relationship in future.

    If you still have soft corner for the particular student, wait till she completes her study and leaves the institution where you teach. Otherwise, you try to join another organisation and then pursue your love affair.

    Don't complicate the situation further.

    Caution: Explosive. Handle with care.

  • #142441
    If the girl is also in love with you then there should not be any problem in this relationship because you can wait for her till she finishes her studies.

    In case she does not love you and what she showed once was her receding childhood infatuation then you have to pull back and think over the whole episode coolly and try to forget the issue as a bad dream.

    In our life we often come across such incidents which are based on our emotions rather than logic. These setbacks are to be treated by prudent thinking and self control.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #142453
    Thanks to all for your valuable suggestions.......I will keep that matter very personal thereafter so that she doesn't face any further problems. Beside this I will wait for her answer and if there is any positive signals from her side I will directly talk with her parents and I will convince them that I am fully responsible for her studies and future career.
    If there is nothing from her side I will wait for her course to complete.....
    By the way I have thought about this matter and as I feel from inside is that NO HOW it can be infatuation........I love her from inside and can wait all the time for her.....
    Anyway thanks to all of you again

  • #142455
    Here's the thing - if you approach the girl if she ignores, that means no. If she says I need time, then that means no. If she says she values parents opinion, that means no. So if you are getting such signals then you know it;s something you should bow out of. If she likes you and even gives one hint of that then go ahead and keep in touch. if she doesn't like you then it's time to move on. Your resources in life are equally more valuable and you should spend them on women who matter, not every woman deserves going after. So know the signs and move on.

  • #142459
    The teaching profession is very pious and our culture says Guru is equal to GOD. first of all your relation with a student must be teacher student relation only . The girl is too young and pursuing her studies. Bringing the idea of marriage to her mind is not good. She has to concentrate on her studies. If tomorrow if she is not able to fare well that blame will be yours. So as a professor, first of all see that she completes her studies with good rank. That is the first point. As already you have put in your piece of mind to her, wait for her response. If she gives any positive indication, wait for her to complete the studies.

    Once she gets into a job and thinks of her marriage, you can approach her parents and go ahead

    drrao
    always confident


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