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  • Category: Family & Life

    Fighting because of misunderstanding


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    My marriage life now in the 5th yr but till now we always quarrel. My wife don't want to take any thing seriously. She always tells me lies which is the main reason for fighting. She is not serious about me and my family and my son.
    What can I do?
  • #146908
    I feel your wife is still not having understood the life properly. That is the reason she is not taking anything seriously. How you have come to an understanding that she is not caring for you. your family and your son. Is she an employee or homemaker. How she spends her time in the house. My suggestion is better you have a one to one discussion. try to understand her point of view. She may be having some problems which she is not able to tell you openly. So be patient and hear her points. Then where the difference lies, try to understand. If anything she wants you to change thinks about that and try to change so that her level of confidence in you will increase. If you adopt the approach of taking her ideas in common issues and try to implement these ideas which are agreed upon will make her come near you. Still, you feel that no problem from your side and only she has to change, I suggest you both go to a counsellor who will deal with the subject very aptly and try to improve the relationship between both of you.
    drrao
    always confident

  • #146911
    I think most of your troubles should be improving. many couples fight or marriages are difficult in the first 3-5 years. You both have a son and we don't know the jobs of both of you.
    The first step to any happy marriage is understanding each other. Have a discussion with your wife, involve close friends if needed and then family members on both sides. I think there would be misunderstandings on both sides.
    Both of you list out (write out) the issues that seem to make the marriage difficult, be frank and honest in this aspect.
    Try to analyse about her ambitions, desires or expectations from married life, from you and from our family.
    Analyse if there is any unresolved emotional issues on both sides.
    Do not confornt her directly that she's a lair,try to find out why and the motives behind it.
    If you find some answers like, she wants to be employed, change a job, then help her in this endeavor. If she feels that she has to be independent, then give her that within the degrees of commonsense. If she feels that she should have a separate home than staying with your parents.The have a chat with your family and try and see if this would be possible.
    Focus on your son and try to spend more time with your son and wife by travelling, visiting places and improve the family bonding.
    Both of you can seek the advise of a counselor to guide you through this difficult time. You will find that things get better. Then continue with your efforts to keep your married life pleasant.
    If both of you believe in the Almighty, then spending time at places of faith will certainly help you.

  • #146912
    We have to answer this question just based on your version. It will be mostly your perception.
    The first and best way to resolve your issue is for both of you to sit together and discuss each other's grievances, You may discuss what were your expectations when you got married, how far they are satisfied, what are the gaps and failures. How can you improve them and make your future life mutually satisfying and happy.

    Two persons coming from different background and experience can have difference of opinion. It is there in every sphere of life where more than one person is involved. So you should find some strong cementing force that can bind you even when you have difference of opinion.
    It is a small spark that spread as a devastating fire. This is true in personal relationships also.

    Just try to go on a tour with your wife and son only, and spend a few days only in the exclusive company of your wife and son. May be she will behave in a different way. What I imagine is that your wife is not given the responsibility of a wife and mother. Or she would have come from a family where she was pampered a lot. She may be longing for living separately from your family.
    All such hidden thoughts and expectations can come out when you get some exclusive time where you can discuss free and frank.
    Both of you have to climb down from your adamant stand and be flexible and accommodating for the sake of your child at least.
    I hope something positive and welcome will result from that.
    Best Wishes.

  • #146914
    Before you take a harsh step including separation by means of divorce, you need to understand her view or her opinion prompting her to behave in such an estranged way. True that she talks a number of lies but it may mean that she wants to maintain a clean image by refusing the lies with which she is mostly engaged in. You have to be specific in your talk and instead of making vague staments exposing her bad manners, you should take a few instances where she made some irresponsible statements and apprise of your action you could have initiated in the same circumstances. May be she would open her genuine feelings on your provocation and you could understand her ulterior motives. Make her understand that honesty between you two is more vital than any thing else.
    With such a bold step taken from your end, she may change her steps and ultimately she may relinquish her old ugly steps. All you need at this moment is to maintain decency in your behaviour by maintaining calm approach and such a step would produce a favourable impact on her mindset.
    If you fail to get a desired result within a month or two, it would be better to have a consultation with a counceller to address your problem. Lift her mood so as to lead a normal life and being a well - wisher, you would take up steps accordingly.

  • #146965
    Sometimes we feel that it is not always an easy task to solve the issues which we face in our home. But I could rather say it is easy to solve problems at least between husband and wife. From your statement I can understand that you are married for 5 years. Quarrels always exists between any married couple due to a lot of factors like difference of opinion, talking about each others parents , comparisons. But taking it to heart will not provide any solution, sometimes we need to keep few things inside head and process not in the so called mind.

    If 'lies' are the problem just make her understand that it will lead to chains of problems and let her know there are other ways to solve any problem. In most cases people tell lies out of unknown fear and slowly that will become a habit. Explain her that this practice of telling lies will also affect your kids behavior that way you got a chance to change her. And you try to be calm even though if you know what ever she speaks is a lie and react in a different way than usual (May be with a smile and say some lovable words to deviate the moment).

    Try all other ways people suggested her. Other than that there is a powerful technique which can be practiced to fix any relationships.

    1. Do some positive affirmation all day when ever you find time.
    2. All your thoughts, reactions and opinions about your wife will affect your relationship in a big way even if you are far away from your wife. So always stay positive.
    3. For positive affirmations and prayers read books written by "Dr.Joseph Murphy".

  • #147172
    Yes. what you have said is quite right because of misunderstanding you were fighting. If we know the reason for the problem one can easily resolve the problem. You know the reason for your quarrel is lie.

    But do you know the reason for her lie especially after 5 years?
    If she is comfortable to share and say anything to you or she is afraid about anything?
    Apart from saying lie how she is care you and your son?
    If she is happy or not?

    Analyse yourself from her side also. Marriage is a bonding of two hearts. You have a son too. Think twice about your decision. Think about your son and you both have responsibility. Talk to your wife openly from the bottom of your heart.

    Tell your expectations, and ask her too. Fulfill her wishes and make her happy. Most importantly spent a valid time to her and your son. Since nowadays there is no joined family so she cannot exchange or share anything to the family and the only option is husband. Understanding each other is good option in the family to lead better.

    And you must say her very kindly, you are the ROLE MODEL of your son and saying lie is not good habit. You make her comfortable but anything is not working. If you have good rapport to her parents, you may tell to HER parents in a kind way to tell her good advise or else better meet a good counsellor.

  • #147374
    It is better, if you don not jump into a conclusion that your wife doesn't take things serious. If you have mentipned, one or two scenarios, it would be helpful to judge, what is the parameter of your seriousness. Because, I have also seen few couples, where the wife keep on complaining that my husband is not serious about anything. But by noticing I could understand that their brought up is different.

    For example, When they were informed about the arrival of guest, she will call them in prior and ask about their arrival time, starts listing out the items to purchase, things about the menu, do laundry, keep telling about the kids, how to behave in front of them etc. She will look at her husband and will keep saying that why are you are not doing anything, tomorrow guests are coming, she will ask her husband to check the fuel in car, ask whether her husband's dress for next day is ready, will ask whether his alarm is set earlier etc.

    I don't say that she is wrong. She is incapable of doing things at last minute. So, she wants everything to be ready.
    Her husband, who is aware of fuel and does his things quietly or a kind of person, who is able to do things perfectly even at the last time, will stay quiet only. That doesn't mean, he is not taking things seriously.

    And there are people, who trusts that everything around them will go positive, so will not get over excited or tensed for anything that did not go as planned. It is actually nice to have these kind of people, because they stay as positive energy around you.

    You mentioned that she lies. I agree, it is bad. But there is a psychological research's result behind lying. If a punishment to any wrong is too high, then the people are tend to lie. So, see whether you have given a big punishments or criticized too much to her mistakes. So, in order to avoid such scenarios, she could have lied.
    For example, If you have scolded her a lot for not having curd in your lunch and if you have skipped your meal. The next time, when she has forgotten to make curd, she may lie, that milk man did not come on that day, or the curd was not available in the store. If you practice forgiveness, her habit of lying will surely reduce.

    Not serious about you, your family and son: To any women, her husband and son are more important than anything in the world. That too you have 5 years of married life. So, she could have got the attachment to the family. If not, she might have been feeling isolated from you all.
    See that, she has given importance in your family. Discuss with her about anything that you do in your family. Involve her in family discussion. Ask her opinion. She might have hurt inside, so, keep speaking, don't just give up on one or two discussions.

    I tell this everything from her point of view, because, understanding her will help you to find ways to resolve problem. See, whether you change or she changes, the result should a happy life and a happy family. So, understand her needs, act accordingly. The time she gets convinced and finds attachment to the family, she will also fulfill your expectations.

    Sri Vetri
    Spread Positivism

  • #147856
    As you have already quoted in your question that the quarrel is because of misunderstanding. This can also be at your end. You can also be at fault because it is not always the wife who is at fault.I would suggest you the following points :-
    • Please tell some reliable person to understand the mentality of your wife. May be she has problem with a particular person/thing.
    • Please practice yoga and also tell her to do the same. It is said that it brings happiness and peace of mind.
    • All the quarrels that happen have a negative impact on the child so please avoid it rather solve it.
    • Please be at consensus relating to certain matter which occur daily which will resolve most of the issues.

  • #148663
    Hi,
    As per your mail it is clear as day light that both of you doing fight all the time. But you must aware of the fact that you have a kid, and quarreling all the time in front of him cause negative impact on him. So, although there is some misunderstanding between you and your wife please do not do in front of your son.
    Now, here we focus on the main thing. You do not have specified that your wife is working or home maker. You have said that your wife is not serious enough,but it is only from your perspective. She may be serious enough but have the capability to not making such show off in front of others. She may be more fun loving than you, which doesn't mean that she is not serious enough.
    You told that it is only 5 years of your marriage, and you are still fighting which I think a clear case of misunderstanding. So give time to your wife, spend quality time in week ends, sit with her and make the things sorted out. You can spend more time with each other, discuss on your misunderstandings in open mind which will help you to resolve your issues. And all the time do not judge your wife from your own point of view. Like yourself she also has her own point of view also. Try to understand her problems, because only you two can sort it out. So, best of luck.

  • #148903
    Talk to her about the issue. What is her problem? What she wants ? Is she want to live with you or interested in divorce ? So give time to your wife, spend quality time in week ends, sit with her and make the things sorted out. Resolve the dispute amicably. Do not pay much attention to small and silly issues. unheard some talk to maintain peace.
    The greatest wealth in this world is mental peace and good health.

  • #150015
    When things go out of hand then it is better to call both parties parents and sit to find solution. Since it is been only 5 years of your marriage you still have long way to enjoy family life. So for better if your spouse not answering what she want , it is better to take collective decision with parents involvement.
    Handle situation maturely since your son future on it. It is always better to live separate if bad things happening daily. Taking divorce or not is mutual decision.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • #150242
    Please do understand that every human being has two sides. Shades of very good and some weaknesses. This is also true of women, particularly those who happen to be our wives. Kindly open up new channels of communication through very good relatives and friends. Please do allow your wife to mingle with very good people, who are very kind and compassionate, particularly those who are above fifty at this point in time. Normally women do take time to mingle with others, but over time, your wife is also likely to change, if positively stroked and helped by good people to understand reason.

    The most important thing is not to fight in the presence of the child, but reserve any discussion for the late night hours or the early morning hours, when the child will be sleeping ., This is very important, as the child will observe every small bit of messages from both of you and will be influenced either positively or negatively, depending on what you do.

    Another thing is to get your wife to do something that will naturally interest her, but not to make money. Start a small discussion on this, so that she will be diverted towards something more useful. She will understand the wider context of doing something more meaningful in life. If there is a Self Help Group in the vicinity, please do make your wife a part of such a group, as socialization will help your wife to develop empathy, see reason in whatever small mistakes she may be doing and so on.

    Please do not fight back and do not utter words in every fight. If you try to be absolutely quiet, there is every chance that the fight's intensity will come down drastically, and you will be able to find new meaning in whatever you do, or whatever your wife does.

    Please do remember, it is up to us to endure every small challenge in life. If you have the will, there is always a way.


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