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  • Category: Parenting

    Regarding intercaste love marriage and studies


    Have a query about intercaste love marriage? Searching for advice about how to convince parents and proceed with this marriage? Find advice from experts here.

    I am 23 years old and in a relationship with a guy since one year. I know him since last 7 years but have never talked with him. But in the last year we got committed and we were in live-in relationship for almost 6 months. Then I shifted to another city.
    I told my brother in law regarding him and that I am wanting to marry him. I have not told that I am in a relationship.
    He told my parents to look a guy for me as in an arranged marriage. So he brought a guy and when my parents asked me for marriage I simply denied to wait for 2 years since I am not done with studies. I told them that I love someone. They gave me option to select him or parents. I chose them.
    They called me from that city and asked me to sit at home and study. They are not allowing me go outside for studies. I am at my hometown and not able to study. His parents are ready and just asking us to finish studies. Day by day I am getting depressed that I don't want to leave my parents, and neither my love. I am in trouble. I am not able to behave properly with anyone.
    Can you advice?
  • #148675
    If your love is based on mutual faith and sacrifice the guy should come searching for you. Another thing is you must find this from him that he truly loves you and waiting for you. This is the most important point of your relationship as only after that you can take a bold decision.

    When a person enters adulthood and chooses a partner of his or her choice then he or she should be bold about it and if required even ready to desert the parents.

    Parents may have other social, caste-related or financial constraints and they may not agree with your relationship. As you have taken a decision yourself it is now entirely your responsibility to carry it to success. If you are deserted by your parents, you may have financial difficulties also but you have to face it boldly and search a job. It is your life and you have to live it.

    If your relationship was only due to physical attraction and lust then forget this as a bad episode in your life and concentrate in your studies and career. Ask your parents to forgive you for your mistakes and foolishness.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #148677

    There are similar issues faced by many couples in love. You have known the person from 7 years and comitted since a year and in a live-in relationship for 6 months.

    This is ample time to know the commitment from both sides. If your partner is of the legal age and you both are truly in love with each other, then you cannot be forced into a marriage against your choice. This is the legal aspect.

    Now, coming to the soical and familial aspects, parents of a girl will often be hesitant to agree for an inter-caste or love marriage. They would be more worried about whether you would be well looked after, would you have enough money and support to lead your life well. What would the society feel, how would the relatives treat them, what about the other children in the family. These are the questions that run in the mind of the parents.

    So, you need to understand, there concerns too. Firstly, no need to get depressed, give the issue some time to settle down. Focus on your studies and keep yourself occupied.

    When you find a chance, you and your partner have to have a serious discussion as to who committed you both are, is your bond of love strong enough to oppose parents if neccessary.

    Then have a meeting between both families with other well-wishers from both families and both of you. have a discussion and try and re-asssure them so that their anxiety and fear is lessend.

    You may need to have a few discussions and be prepared for a harsh excahange of words. Let your partner also speak to your parents.

    Then if still things are pending, give your parents a choice of allowing you to get married to the boy whom you know or sit at home without getting married or marrying against there choice. If you go down this route, you both as a coule should have enough support to help you as starting a new family, managing the finances (home,rent, gorceries,travel, other expenses) are not easy. You boht need to have a job or at least the boy should have a job before you decide to consider marriage against the wishes of our parents.

    If you have enough support and the love between both of you is true and strong, then you both can go ahead and get married. IF there is any doubt in support and love, then re-think.

    Even if your parents dislike the wedding, with time, arrival of a child, their anger comes down and after a few months would be happy to welcome you back.

  • #148678
    This conflict always exists. You loved someone and you want to marry him. But your parents are stopping you from marrying him. This type of situation is being faced by many in our country. There are two angles on this issue. You want to marry him at the same time you don't want to lose your association with parents.
    In the first place, you tell your parents that you have loved a person and you are in relation with him. You tell them that you can't marry anyone else. If they are not accepting you tell them that you will remain unmarried only.
    Simultaneously you talk to the guy and ask his opinion about his idea of getting part with your parents. If he feels he can meet your parents and tell them that he is sincere in his love and truly he wanted to marry her.
    I think both of you are majors. So legally you will not face any problem. Even after explaining them, if your parents don't concede you better decide to go and marry that boy.
    Your parents will understand you definitely and accept your proposal if not immediately after marrying and staying away for some time. You should be bold enough to take tough decisions sometimes to make our dreams real.

    drrao
    always confident

  • #148687
    This is a common problem. Don't get depressed. Almost all couples in love are facing this problem. Since you both love each other and I am guessing you are in legal age (boy - 21 years, girl -18 years), you can marry the person of your choice. No one can force you against your will and you can take legal help too.

    Your parents are opposing because of caste, financial, familial and social criteria. So the solution to your problem depends to which major factor your parents are against to. If you think they are opposing because of caste differences, explain to them in a calm way how caste is used to divide people. Give examples of couples who had broken marriage even if they are from the same caste. Also, make them understand caste will not make a person happy when he/she isn't in the heart.

    If they are worried about your future settlement, now is the chance for both of you to prove yourselves. Study hard, get a good job with a decent salary. Both of you must get jobs, it is not for you alone. Give them confidence that you can stand on your own and you can take care of the expenses in future.

    Primarily, these are the two major areas where parents show their oppression. If they show multiple reasons, it is better to take assistance. You can take help of your boyfriend's parents since they are supporting you. If possible take assistance of relatives who support you. Talk in a compromising manner. Do not relent to arguing type of tone, never shout. Most of such talks get spoilt by the tone. Make sure no one who supports you have that 'aggressive tone'.

    If you both are committed enough and have a strong will to be together even after two years of separation (since you have to complete studies), you can marry without their consent if your parents still don't agree. Don't worry about them, they will be reluctant initially but later they will welcome you if they know you are happy. Meanwhile, don't get disappointed and stressed. Focus on your career and also make sure your guy does the same. Divert yourself from distractions. Keep yourself occupied and make your mind busy. Once you attain higher goals in your career, you will definitely have that confidence in future to talk more boldly and courageously with your parents.

    Thank You
    Dr. V. Shashikanth

  • #148698
    You are standing on two boats. That will not work well. The test now is about your own conviction and sincerity.

    You have yourself worked into unwanted knots.

    At this situation what is the stand of your boy friend(live-in-partner) is the most important. If he is sincere and has deep faith and love to you, he should come with his parents to your parents,convince them that you mutual love is deep and sincere and you both will get married . Let him convince that his parents are with him.

    If your parents get convinced about his sincerity, honesty and his ability to take care of you, they will agree.

    From your side, please do not fool your parents any further by hiding things. That will only land you in more problems. Be honest to your parents/well wishers. The matter will be solved properly. To gain something you may have to lose something. But you want everything without losing anything. Leave such 'oversmart' attitude.

  • #148722
    This type of question has been answered many a time. The answer is very simple. If both of you are determined, truly love each other, adult and financially independent, you should marry. But you have to think that after marriage, you won't get the help of the family members who are presently opposing this marriage. But please, remember, time heals everything. If you are honest and true to each other, you will be able to survive all odds, and your relatives will also accept your marriage in future.
    Non-violence is the greatest Dharma; So too is all righteous violence.


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