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  • Category: Marriage

    Query about intercaste love marriage

    Planning a love marriage? Wondering how to convince parents for this intercaste love alliance? Find ample advice from experts here.

    I really love someone who also love me very much. But he is from other caste -OBC. I am from pure brahmin family. In MP there is a lot casteism. People who are brahmins think that no body is above them. They treat people very badly. I really don't like them because they differentiate people on the basis of caste?
    How can I convince my parents for this love marriage?
  • #148727
    Hi Monica,
    First I would like to congratulate you to asking such a question here. You do not have mentioned about your age and your boyfriend's age. Hope both of you are adult. You also not specified about the educational qualifications of both of you. You also not mentioned how you met him and from which time you know him.
    From you question it is clear that you are only thinking from your point of view. Try to think from your parents side also. Every parent wants to see their children happy. And when there is a question of marriage of a girl it is a case of lots of concern. Parents want to see their daughter happy in married life. For that they always looks for a well established groom.
    You stated that there is caste problem in your state. But I think that if your boyfriend is well established then your parents will get convinced easily.
    You do not have stated that either your boyfriend is doing a job or not. If both of you are doing your studies just focus on it, because it is the vital thing. If both of you are well settled in your life then you can face any problem in your life. It will help you to convince your parents about your boyfriend. Then you can tell your parents about your love.
    Try to convince them that you will happy with him and not with any body else. Try to make them understand that humanity and love is above all. Also said that you are against cast division.
    Hope that you will be successful to convince your parents. So, best of luck.

  • #148736
    Casteism is deeply rooted in our social fabric and people are not only rigid on this account but also fearful of the society as what others will say about any step taken against casteism.

    Due to modernization and dissemination of education in the masses, these adamant attitudes are weakening to some extent but not abolished so far.

    Your case is a classic case of the brahmin girl in love with a low caste boy and will take a lot of efforts from you and the boy to resolve it.

    The most important thing in this episode is you have to find out the intensity and sincerely of your relationship. Can you desert your parents if they do not agree for this relationship?

    You can talk to your parents straight about this and remember they may threaten you that they will not keep any relation with you and will deprive you from their property also.

    You have to take a bold decision. Are you sure that the boy will keep you happy even in financially difficult times and will not desert you and most importantly ready to desert his patents for you, though his patents may not be objecting for this relationship but they may not accept you due to other reasons. You must also boldly ask the boy also if his parents in future do not accept this relationship due to other reasons what will be his stand.

    It is said that love has no barrier and no one can stop it. You both have to tackle it boldly and start your life on your own without expecting money from your respective parents.

    Remember with time these wounds will be healed and parents may accept these things. So this is the time to be brave and believe in yourself that without the help of society and parents you can manage your life.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #148740
    If you and your boyfriend are majors, the law will support your marriage. None can stop it.
    Before taking a decision on the marriage, you think these three points.
    1. What is the mind of your Boyfriend? Is he serious about marrying you? Did his parents accept the proposal?
    2. What is the financial status of both of you? Can you manage your family without any support from your parents and his parents?
    3. Can you stay away from your parents at least for a year?
    Once you have positive answers to all the above questions you have a detailed discussion with your boyfriend. Tell him that you are ready to marry him by confronting with your parents and tell him that you should not expect any help from them. If he says he is ready for marrying you it will be good. You can have a discussion with your parents and you have to express your feelings strongly and tell them that if they are not allowing you to marry that boy you will not accept for marrying anyone else and you will remain unmarried forever. After giving your piece of mind to your parents give them some time to think and take a decision. Even after all this, your parents are not accepting your proposal, you should get ready to leave them and marry your boyfriend. Immediately after your marriage, your parents may have some opposition but that will not remain long. They will come to you and they will be normal with you after some time.
    But be cautious with your boyfriend till you get his acceptance for marrying you even after your parents reject.

    always confident

  • #148750
    When you are generalising about a caste please know that your lover is also from that caste. So it will imply to him also. That is your first fault. Your wrong perception in judging others. You have not taken permissionto love someone from a caste you dislike.

    Take matters clearly in a way to find solutions. Remove all your pre-conceited notions. Otherwise they are sure to haunt you and affect your life further also.

    Be practical. Consult both sides parents and well wishers. Discuss matters in all its dimensions. Be sure that you both love each other unconditionally. Be sure that you both have means to stay independently, in case it needs so. Consult well wishers.

    If nothing amicable and agreed comes, go for a legal marriage following all laid out formalities.

    Best Wishes.

  • #148758
    Your scenario is very common in India. You have not mentioned your(and the boy's) age or education.

    Inter-religious and Inter-caste marriages (especially if the girl is from a higher caste) has many issues. It is common for the couple in love to find that they are targeted for emotional, social and verbal abuse. There are instances where in physical violence and even killings happen in geographic locations wherein the caste-based hierarchy is rampant.

    You are living a newer generation and thinking with an open mind. Parents of girls are often worried about the social isolation and being shunned off by relatives if there is an inter-caste marriage. Parents also worry about the other siblings that have to be married ( after you in your case).

    Genuinely, they love their daughters, it is fear of the society (that makes them/treat them as outcasts), sense of humiliation (yes, for some fathers it's loss of face and reputation, if the daughter marries a lower caste boy), the issues with financial security and being able to lead a decent comfortable life.

    The other side of the story is sometimes people start loving with an intention of financial gain and property. You should be careful about this.

    If you and the boy are of the legal age, then review what you know about him, is it infatuation or true love. Keeping emotions apart have a frank discussion as a couple in terms of the bond of love between you both. Can it withstand the social and financial stress?

    Assume that you both have to get married moving away from the family. Are you prepared for this? Do you have a job or does he have a job? do you have a handful of well-wishers or friend that you can fall back for support and help? It takes a decent sum of money to run a family (rent, travel expenses, food, clothing, medical expenses, food, the arrival of the first child etc).A lot of couples in love face a strain or anxiety when the reality of married life sets in.

    Once you review all these, then have repeated discussions with your family, highlight the fact that you would be happy,you would wait for their change instance, if needed you both would move away from home to a different place for a few months until things settle down. Initially, you would face strong resistance, you need to have patience, persistence and the maturity to understand the fears of parents. You have to slowly ally their fears one by one.

    In a couple of months, you would get an idea of the family's decision, then you can give them a time limit and mention that you are getting married with or without their wishes. Then you both have to be mature enough to start on your own and after some time once the anger of the parents settles down, you can try and reunite with your family.

  • #148766
    You have rightly described the superiority complex of some of people belonging to upper castes and their attachments are deeply rooted for their own castes and as such they would not like that their sons and daughters should not contract intercaste - marriage and such bondage would ultimately cause disrepute for the entire family.
    However, you seem to be a girl of sensible nature and are aware of the demerits prevailing in your society. As far as I think, you do possess an analytical mind and the caste - factor don't play any decisive role in maintenance of smooth matrimonial relationship. However, in order to eliminate this evil, it will take years and only educated mass like you can bring about some radical change with the mass - contact programme. We all would like to see such positive transformation in the years to come.
    At this moment, you need to have a frank dialogue with your parents assuring them of your sweet relationship even though the marriage is intercaste one. Your spouse should also involve in such discussion and he too should create a positive confidence within the mental - frame of your parents.
    However, you have not indicated the status of your partner and yourself with respect to employment and education. If both of you are receiving education, give full time to complete the course sincerely and afterwards, either your partner or both of you may look forward a suitable employment enabling you to have sound financial condition to lead a happy married life. In the mean while, examine the boy in different angles such as his temperament, attitude, sensibility, reliability and his trustworthiness since each of these factors can influence your married life significantly.

  • #148814
    As you have mentioned that in MP is there is lot of differentiate in caste, I hope you belong to MP itself. Regarding query all love marriage will have to face this problem initially before talking to your parents you both try to understand each other and know very well about your family and income if you both stay way from your parents. Life is not as easy as you think before marriage. You need lot of your in-laws and your parents support. If you stay away from them and get married then you both are support to each other because you will not have any family support which should not irritate you later about this relation.
    I hope your not minor as you have not mentioned your and your boyfriend age. First go and speak to the boy's parents and take their willingness, because after marriage you need to stay with them. Then you can try to speak to your parents first by just getting an opinion of their's regarding love marriage. suppose if they are not positive then try to speak any of your close relative about your relation who can convince your parents. Or-else you can request boy's parents to come home and talk to your parents directly.
    If non of this is possible then you can have registered marriage along with your in-laws and your relatives who has accepted your relation. But about your decision you need to convey your parents first and then proceed.
    If you don't want to leave your parents you have to stop your relation as they don't accept this.
    As per my perception girl's parents look at son - in - laws income and expenses and major part is whether he is employed or business man. But I am surprised that still in MP castetism is going on and no one is bothered to stop it.
    Wish you ALL the BEST and SUCCESS TO YOUR relation.

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