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  • Category: Mental Health

    How to deal with mental health disturbed after marriage


    Feeling mentally disturbed after marriage due to the behaviour of your mother-in-law? Do not panic. Get suggestions and advise on how to stay calm and deal with the situation.

    I am a 27-year-old woman, recently married. I am suffering from a serious mental health issue. My husband is a government employee and me too. My husband is from a poor background, and his mother is an arthritis patient, but I accepted him because of his frankness and politeness. After marriage, I have observed some strange behaviour in his mother, like she was behaving like a small kid and was totally negative towards me. She used to throw outside some of my belongings. Moreover, she used to wake us up in the midnight shouting and screaming. My husband started convincing me that her mental condition got disturbed only after marriage and I have to adjust for that. She lost her husband when my husband was 13 yr old. They have no family support. Now, I am disturbed a lot after watching her in this way, and my condition is in such a critical condition that I am screaming and shouting loudly, getting irritated on my husband, unable to accept her, unable to tolerate my situation. Please advise me on how to fix this.
  • #151510
    As per your husband, the health condition of your mother is disturbed after the marriage. Her mental health condition is disturbed. Your mother in law lost her husband when her son was 13 years old. she is completely dependent on him and she may be feeling insecure after your marriage and she may be feeling a threat that her son may ditch her. So you and your husband should bring some confidence to her that both of you will take care of her. Till she gets cured you may have to adjust to some extent. Think that she is your mother and we can't leave our mother alone when she is sick.
    Talk to you husband. He may be more stressed than you. For him one side mother and the other side wife. Both are important to him. He can't ditch anyone. So strat thing from his side. You both can talk to your mother in law and explain to her that you will be taking care of her. You try to show her to a Psychiatrist and follow his advice. Definitely, she will improve. When you go to the doctor explain to him your stress also and take his guidance.
    But please see that all of you are together and in the old age your mother is not left alone.

    drrao
    always confident

  • #151514
    Look for any good School of Social work, that runs the Master's Degree in Social Work (MSW) course and get your mother in law to seek counselling from professional counselors, who will offer such service free of cost. If such a college is not there nearby, please go to the nearest Government hospital, meet the Chief doctor there and he or she will refer your mother in law to a professional counselor. If such counselors are attached to some government hospital, fine. Otherwise, you can meet them in a big city. Of course, the professionals do charge a huge amount of money.

    In the meanwhile, try to take the support of any relative, or friend or even a neighbor who is very close to your mother in law and ask that person to be very kind to her. The process of talking something and making her understand the ground realities will take some time. In the interim period, it is essential that you remain calm and composed. If you ventilate all the anger on your husband, that will only aggravate the situation even further. Please do note that he is as helpless as you are.

    Normally such mentally disturbed persons do require a lot of care, of physical touch and care. Please do try to make her a little calm by giving her the food she likes most. This might bring down her temper tantrums or enable you to pause a bit and take further action. Please do remain as calm as possible.

    Do not delay arranging for the professional counselor to do her work. Many times, such people even are ready to come home. Do not overreact and make your husband's role and life miserable.

  • #151515
    I will suggest you wait before taking any action. This can happen to any family. You like your husband and he also likes you. I will suggest you consult a psychiatrist and make an appointment for your mother in law. I am sure the problem will be fixed.
    Generally, as you told your father in law was passed away when your husband was 13 years old. Your mother in law took care of your husband and it is common she has some fear of losing his children after marriage. So, please behave her with care and love. Once she sure that she is not going to lose her children the problem will be automatically solved.
    So, be polite with her and tackle her with love. Also, do not forget to take an appointment with a psychiatrist.

    Honesty is the best policy.

  • #151522
    You have described your situation in a very straight forward fashion and the mental agony you are going through is well understood.

    Please ask a question to yourself that if you knew all this before your marriage have you had refused the proposal. The answer to this is very crucial because it will only tell whether you loved only your husband or your husband and his situations.

    In many cases this happens that a lot of things are known after the marriage only and that is a source of trauma for many of us.

    Please review your situation and with the help of your husband try to find out what best can be done to improve the condition of that old lady who is your mother in law. It will be a bit strenuous for you but if you treat her like your mother, in all probability she will reciprocate and if she does not then only you have to go for other alternative extreme options. Give her a chance to believe on you and treat you like her own daughter.

    Quarrelling and fighting will only deteriorate the situation and everyone will be a loser. Mutual coexistence and living requires a lot of sacrifice and compromise. It is a bit hard that you are expected to share that.

    These things require a lot of patience and endurance and once your husband finds your positive attitude, he will definitely be impressed and will do anything for you.

    In our society, customarily, the girl comes to boys house to live with him after the marriage and that becomes her new home. So she has to contribute her bit to make that place a real home and that requires a lot of efforts and concious decisions.

    Do not escape from the present. We have chosen these situations and now there is no going back.

    Try and I believe you will be the real winner in the end.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #151545
    My first advice is please hang in there, get help for yourself because this issue will improve with the passage of time.
    If you analyze the situation keeping emotions aside. Here is a mother who has brought up her son from the age of 13 without her husband. She would have struggled, worked hard to feed him, give him an education and look after both of them. She is now old, no other support and has arthritis to cope up with. Now her son is married and a new person is added to the family with whom she has shared the personal space, the time and attention of her son and the home.
    Her behavior would be a simple call for help as she is unable to come in terms with the changes. You have stated that you liked your husband based on some of his good qualities. No harm, you all have to tide over this crisis.

    Firstly, do not escalate things by entering into an argument. Be strong, focused and not disturbed by the emotional tantrums. Learn or practice Yoga, relaxation exercises or if you cannot afford, just simple walks in the mornings, visiting temples, meditation centers etc. Keep your husband with you for these activities because he also will be suffering seeing his mother and confused about how to keep both of you happy at home.

    Then gently get your mother-in-law to visit a nearby hospital. If you are government employees, then all you have to do is meet the Medical officer and get a specialist reference to see a psychologist and psychiatrist. These consultations although expensive in the private sector can be arranged via the CGHS or in good Government Institutes. Once your mother-in-law gets professional help, counseling and or medications, she should change.

    In the meanwhile, keep your marriage as the center of focus and try hard to keep peace at home and nurture the bonds among you both and both of you with the elderly mother. You should also get help by means of simple counseling to help you to adjust and get over your angst.

    Do this, improve the home environment, take your mother-in-law to parks, temples, simple restaurants, attend some poojas in the temples close to you, all this will generate positive energy and help her and you. Once you both get over this period of animosity, then things will certainly change for the better.

    Give it 2-3 months, then once the situation improves, then the need for professional help/medications all will come down. Arthritis tends to get worse in winter or in cold climates, she gets that also checked up, she may need better medicines for her pain. This also can be done at Government centers.

    Do you have your family members close by to support you? seek their help too. Be positive, this is just the beginning, with efforts, perseverance, and love, such issues can be overcome. After few months, the new changes would bring in a new phase of life/marriage. Later on, the arrival of the first child would also help in changing the home atmosphere and your mother-in-law would be your support to help you with the baby. So, look after yourself, your mother-in-law and your husband.

  • #151566
    It is not new problem. Most mother feel insecure about their children under any circumstance. You have following choices.
    1. If you both are working then ease your level of work at home by keeping maid for doing some stuff. That way you can pay more attention to family.
    2. Appoint a family doctor for her monthly check up. That way she will feel comfortable that you are paying attention to her. And doctor will tell if any physical reason of her getting up in night.
    3. This is bit tricky but talk to husband and take vacation to your parents place to get mind settle down.

    These could be reason your Mother in Law not comfortable with you. Analyze circumstances and take your decision.
    1. Considering upbringing of your husband she might be not liking things you do in your way.
    2. She might be under impression that you will control her son and he might start hating you.
    3. She might be in physical problem that you have neglected.
    4. She did not like you at all from beginning of her son choice, marriage and trying to make you bad in front of your husband.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • #151576
    Meet any good psychiatrist doctor, he/she do treatement of mental disorders. Doctors do some physical and medical test of her. There are also ayurvedic medicine help to improve the condition of your mother in law. Don't leave her alone at home for a long time. Hire any servant who takes care of her. She's depressed with something thats why she behaving like small kid. Only depression makes human to behave like mental and strange. Don't take tension, stay with her and hope soon she get fine and behave like a normal person.

  • #151603
    You do not have any serious mental problem. What you have now is a sort of desperation and helplessness when someone has to face things totally unexpected. Don't worry, most people face such situations. Though initially it is difficult for them and they react temperamentally like you are doing now, slowly things will change.

    What you have to do is 'keep cool'. You are young and energetic. Your mother -in-law is old and having some ill health. So please tell yourself that it is for you to take good care of her. What you would have done if similar situation occurred to your own mother? (God forbid that).

    You have a loin husband. He also may have high hopes and dreams about your life. He would have felt some comfort after marrying you with the confidence that now there is someone to take care of his mother with affection and love.

    Yes, I agree that it is not easy for you. But do not feel desperate. Keep cool,keep courage and confidence. Tell your husband to be with you and his mother for a few days, so that he can be of help to you in taking care of your MIL. Let him convince his mother that you love her and that you will be doing good to her and her son. You also show patience imagining that she is a child and manage her with affection,patience and attention.
    She was the one for her son till now.Now that you have come there will be some insecurity in her mind that sh may be left alone. So your first task is to give her the confidence that you will be staying with her and her son and taking care of her and the family.

    For some days never leave her alone. Where ever you both go take her also with you. Take some extra care to give her medicines and food and ask her needs. By and by she will feel secure and confident and will start loving you.

    Very old people lose the sense of time, lose memory and say things which may appear to us as if they are deliberately telling lies. Just a minute after taking full lunch they may say that you have not given food to them. That is not deliberate, but because of their memory loss. They may even tell others that you are not giving food to them. But others will understand the true state of affairs.

    If needed get help of good neighbours in taking care of your MIL. Stop shouting and screaming. That will make you as the bad person in front of others. Show your mother in law to a suitable doctor so that she gets comfort from her arthritic pains.
    Do not fight with her and do not fight with your husband also. If there are good women and children in the neighbourhood, befriend them and take their help to take care of MIL when husband is not around. Tell them and convince them that you consider her as your own mother. It may be acting initially, but slowly you will definitely eels sincere and take care of her. Then she also will respond positively to you.

    Once more repeating, please be cool, patient and do not shout at her nor fight with her. Respond to her in a mild manner and showing that you are there to help and care her. Take the help and advise from your husband and other family members in this regard.

    Everything will be okay soon.Best wishes.

  • #151627
    After the marriage many girls are facing this type of situations where they are not able to decide what to do and how to cope up with the unexpected turn of events. As the boy is also committed to his parents, he will not to be able to help much.

    Under such condition of turmoil a great responsibility is thrown on the shoulders of the housewife who in our social system is supposed to be the panacea of all ailments and problems.

    I do not see any way out until you bear the present situation and handle these things patiently and intelligently. Yo must not fight with your husband and rather give him the necessary moral support and good advice to deal with the present predicament. Talk to him for arranging some good psychiatrist or physician to check the condition of your mother in law so that some remedial measures for controlling her temperament might be taken. Until unless you make your husband to understand the gravity of situation nothing is going to improve significantly.

    You have to work hard to bring your husband to feel that you are as much concerned for the family as he is and for raising the family successfully a combined effort is the pre-requisite. Do not try to escape from the situation as it will only worsen the things further.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #151628
    I feel that you have to look after your mother-in-law sympathetically and with care. From your version, I understand that she had struggled a lot to establish his son (your husband) and now she is having some sort of identity crisis because of your presence. The natural and mutually sustaining relationship between the mother and her son has now become a little bit different after the marriage.

    So, treat your mother-in-law with care and love, and, if necessary, take her to a psychiatrist for treatment. I hope it is a temporary phenomenon.

    Non-violence is the greatest Dharma; So too is all righteous violence.

  • #151682
    The problem has not been worst so far and can be tackled with your perseverance, tact and love. You have to understand the basic cause of her agonies resulting in her mental disbalance. You may approach a government hospital to redress your problem with the help of a psychologist. This psycologist may arrange several sessions in order to analyse the case in a better way and will later on come up with the solution which will ultimately change her mind- set.
    In the meanwhile you have to not be over sensetive by publicising her trauma before the neighbours. Your affectionate behaviour may heal her worries and agonies. Both of you( you and your husband) should show the tender of love in numerous activities such as changing her bed - sheet with smile, washing her clothes and asking her the food she may like to take. Such gesture would go a long way in changing her mind frame. Whatever, you do for her there must be a touch of your closeness. You have to little bit cautious in your conversation while you are in the companies of neighbour's and engrossed in talk and no talk particularly in her presence should take place causing the source of annoyance for her.
    The medicines prescribed by the Doctors should be administered in time. You could see a change in her behaviour with your consistent effort. After a year or so, your family environment may change when you would be on the stage of motherhood and the birth of a off - Spring will give her a considerable solace.
    Transformation in her temperament will certainly take place with your positivity and hence it would be better if you could change yourself to get a lasting effect of peace within your family - circle.

  • #151688
    Please don't panic and try to enjoy your newly married life. Life always has some ups and downs and when it comes to marriage we should be mentally prepared for some surprises.
    Your mother in law is suffering from insecurity. It sounds like she is very much possessive for her son, maybe because his husband died at an early age and she only took care of him.
    In such case, it is really difficult for her to share her son with you and I guess, that's the only reason she does not like you.
    She does not have any personal issues with you.
    What you can do-
    1. Try to invite her close relatives often and serve them in a better way. That will make her feel that you have accepted her and her family and gradually her insecurity will go.
    2. You can take leave from your job for some time and try to spend time with her. Go for outings, shopping, temple visits, etc as per her choice. This will allow both of you to get closer to each other.
    3. If that does not work, you can even create some space for mother and son time in family and at home. Allow your husband to interact with her mother as much as possible. This way, your mother in law will feel like nothing has changed.
    4. Get maid for housing work. This is for you. This will reduce your frustration. Try to feel relaxed and consider the things as normal (although it is hard).
    5. Lastly, avoid complaining to your husband about his mother again and again as this will deteriorate his condition also. He loves his mother and there is no solution other than accepting the situation till gets improved. So, better try to support him in handling this equally.

    Padmini

    Living & Learning- simultaneous processes!


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