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  • Category: Family & Life

    Behavior of son towards parents after marriage.


    Facing any problem with children's behaviour with parents after marriage? Looking out for understanding the relationship? Find advice form experts here.

    I am finding there is vast change in the behavior of my son after his marriage.

    I am a single mother who raised my children since their teenage. Gave good education and raised them amongst all odds. My son was diagnosed with special child who had difficulty in learning. When I decided to take divorce, his father never tried to take possession of the children and never contributed towards education and marriage and property.

    I feel had I not raised them, today my daughter would be a cook and son a driver to his father's car and assistant.

    After the engagement of my son I am finding a vast difference in his behavior like:

    Whenever I happen to go out station, he invariably used to come to drop me. Now he says I can't come. You will have to make arrangements by yourself.
    I am transferred to different city where I stay alone and he doesn't bhave time to speak to me over phone to enquire about the health etc.
    Spent a lot of amount for the marriage. His earlier desire was to have a simple marriage where's after engagement and nearingbdays of marriage started telling me it's only once we get married. Better take some loan and perform the marriage in a grand way.

    I did so. Later I happened to win a case of ejectment of tenent and got the independent house. Now he stays with his wife there but expects me to spend money for only their comfort. And expects myself and my daughter not to interfere in the renovation of the house but we both should contribute. Of late he told me that don't make me open my mouth and tell you what is the quantum of hatredness he has against me. Any work entrusted will not be carried out , reason he doesn't have time.

    Is it really I am expecting much from him?

    Please let me know how to console myself..
  • #152755
    It is bad to note that your son is changed after his marriage.
    These days some young people are very much after money and some people value relations more than money.
    You have already taken care of him and now he is on his own.
    What I suggest is to have a one to one discussion with your son and know why he is behaving like this and tell him that he should take care of himself and his family. At the same time, you tell him that he should help you and your daughter also.
    Try to educate him. But if he continues to be like this, you have to tolerate him and pull on with him. But don't support him financially and don't spend any money on the house he is staying. You tell him that he has to spend money if wanted to renovate the house. Otherwise, let him take some other house on rent and you can give your house on rent.
    You have to tolerate him as he is your son and you should console yourself by seeing the progress of your children and be happy with your daughter. Unnecessary worrying may cause health problems also. As such don't think much about the behaviour of your son.

    drrao
    always confident

  • #152757
    Well your case is not different from many parents of Indian society. Even Animal young ones stay away from parents in new neighborhood , humans are not exceptional. First of all , it was your mistake that you did not have much control after his marriage. Obliviously this is not over night changes in him , your daughter in law has to have some role. Property , money are main contributing thing for rages and quarrels. If you tell him that you are leaving job and coming their for good , he will fight with you more than what fights right now.
    Good thing is he is your son so every parent wanted to his generation at least live peacefully. You are already done with your job by settling him. I would thing of you pull off your savings for your daughters settlement as well and not to interfere in son's life unless he wanted. Everyone gets chance ,if you pay attention to him you will never will live in peace. Invest your money for your pension plans. More money you keep with you in cash or in gold more you will have harassment possible. So do not disclose your savings to anyone. Hope you will do good and take care of your health.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • #152758
    Well, we might have experiencing the things that we never had expected in our life but imagining that the changes like this wouldn't happen in our life doesn't show our wisdom & observation in context to what is happening in the outside world. Going ahead with dong the favors shows us as good human being & a responsible person but keeping-up with the expectations along with it is not always good & here lies the lots of mistakes that have already been taken place. Along with emotional attachments a bit of professionalism plays a vital role in later part of our life but the problem is that many of us don't get this simple fact of our life & therefore we bound to face the unexpected consequences which is less satisfactory but more painful. In the current picture we observe the same scenario wherein the parents are seen working for the betterment of their children by taking care of their growth & establishing of career but while going ahead the outcomes are not as expected & then we face misunderstanding & clashes with the family members & within us too. This is not new but the age old problem since the time of human civilization came into existence.

    As per me I request the author to pl. keep on adding with some finance to her bank account so as to not face any financial miseries later because during the worst of the scenario of our life the money remains the much needed asset to us & we don't feel that much helpless. The author has mentioned her personal matter & therefore the intensity of feeling & the actions can only be felt by her only & for others this whole wouldn't be much than a fantasy happening for which they keep on with their calculations of about what is happening & what should have the case?

    May be this is an awakening time for the author to come-up with hard decisions before this gets too late. She has got with her daughter too, means she still left with the big responsibility. I make a request to pl. learn from the mistakes & go ahead. We are living in a more professional environment with hardly left with any emotions within us or we are living in a world more based on "use & throw" concept.

  • #152759
    In the present society these types of cases have become very common. Children after marriage forget their parents. The joint family set up is almost gone. Nuclear families are seen everywhere. Children forget how they have come to the present status. Very often the new comer into the family will be responsible for such a situation. In certain cases mother's attitudes also create problems.
    This lead to another problem also. The family gets divided and seek separate dwelling places. In one unit two elderly people stay alone and in the other the new couple. When the couple gets a child, son starts loving his mother and takes her to his residence. The idea behind this is to avoid appointing a maid servant to look after the child. This happens in the case of children staying outside the country, very often. There the servant is very costly.
    All these point out that there exist only a relationship based on economic considerations, these days. The reason for breaking the joint family system is also the same.

    T.M.Sankaran
    Gold Member ISC

  • #152761
    I would suggest that you stop expecting anything from your Son, because expectations will only dishearten you. Sometimes people change with time and if we resist that change, it only worsens the situation.

    As a mother, you did your best; now it's time that you slow down. Keep on doing whatever you feel is necessary to maintain a harmony between all the family members; but please do it without expecting anything in return. Please do not exert yourself too much in any way.

    Things will change again, but that might take some time. I personally suggest, you spend more time on yourself, read books if you like, listen to music of your choice or mingle with your friends. We all are here with a purpose, find yours.

    Trust me, the idea of changing people is an illusion. Elevate yourself, a Mother is always too close to God. He will take care of everything.

    "If you want to make real progress, you must give up all ideas of personal attainment".

  • #152763
    What you have narrated is happening to many people in this world and they are being hurt by the behaviour of their offsprings.

    Marriage is a big diversion for the young people and their concern to their parents is subdued to some extent. Theoretically speaking it should not have happened as parents have done so much for their children. Unfortunately, it happens.

    There are some children who maintain same respect and care but they are rare and can be counted on fingers.

    So the lesson learnt is do not expect from them but do whatever good you can do. At the same time do not give your money to them once they are independent and earning themselves.

    When you become older and free from your responsibilities, you have to learn detachment from worldly affairs but do not compromise with your financial means. They are more necessary in old age.

    In some of the developed countries, people stop supporting their children after a particular age whether they are employed or not.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #152765
    Really sorry to learn about your story. What I feel that we the parents keep much attachment toward children and as parents we are ready to forgo our needs and attend their every want as if they are going to bring moon on our palm. That is not the case. Children feel that as a parent you are bound to nurture them against all odds and as they grow up and get married, they get wings, freedom and they try to behave what the better half says. This is happening in every home. What I have been telling my wife that , we have given our best education to the two children, and let them understand their obedience toward us and that should not be forced. Only good sense must prevail on the children who discard the parents at the advise of wife. That is very bad precedent followed in many families. The common friend from both sides must mediate and sort out the issue , otherwise it may go bad to worse. Have guts and courage to surge ahead.
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #152771
    Many of us blaming the daughter in law in such situations but I totally blame the boy only as he is the person knows very well about the parents a and their hardship sustained for his growth. Though the incoming does not understand the pain of them this boy should made her to understand the family circumstances so that she could follow the traditional customs of the family. But many boy in the name of seeking privacy neglect the parents,Change the tradition.

  • #152792
    What you have narrated is not a unusual story. These things are common in today's society.

    The children have to see their career and future life. They have to raise their family. They have to acquire materialistic facilities.

    They may look as selfish to you but that is the reality of life. They do not see backwards, they will be going ahead with their ambitions.

    What I can suggest at this juncture is detachment and not expecting anything from anyone even if they are our own children. That is the only way to happiness.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #152799
    The situation you are in is a mixture of some facts and some emotionally charged imagination of a doting mother.

    When a male child is brought up by mother alone, she will have over expectations and even possessive affection on her son. That usually brings clash after the son gets married,unless the mother is very understanding and accommodating.

    Just start thinking from his side. He may be genuinely over busy and having lack of time or stressed by his job. Or he may be deliberately creating atmosphere now itself and preparing you , so that you will not be feeling bad after his marriage, when he will be sharing and caring for his wife.

    But what about your daughter? Is she of marriageable age? If so the priority would have been to get her married so that she can have her life. Is she having a job? Is it absolutely necessary tat she should be dependent on you?

    If what you have narrated are real and there is a real change of attitude and affection from your son, then you may do the following:
    1. If the present house is on your name,you may ask your son to look for a separate house for him and his wife, leaving the present house .
    2.You should not give him more money.
    3. You should not take any loan and make your further life worse in financial difficulties also.
    4. You may not be able to go for job all life. Hence keep savings.
    5. If daughter is eligible for job, let her get a job and earn.
    6. Have a thorough and serious open discussion with your son and sort out things. Allow him to have his life. Do not interfere in it and spoil.
    7. From the discussion you may come to know whether problem is real or an exaggerated Ac emotional reaction from you.Take decision accordingly.

  • #152801
    While bringing up your child, you ignored your priorities and the only objective before you to make your a sensible citizen providing him the best education. You did not mind the resource required for educational expenses, medical expenses in case of his sudden illness. It was all your responsibility to discharge your duty effectively.
    However, the best part is that you have done your excellent mother's role but so far as I feel you are not aware of the complexities of charecters of human being. It is very easy to forget the motherly affection and the sons need Continious flow of money.
    Be a practical mother and for the survival of yourself and your daughters take up the following points on urgent basis-
    1) Consult a financial consultant so that a SIP account of a balanced fund of a known portfolio for a minimum of 10,000/-can be started for a minimum period of ten years so that your corpus swell handsomely. Even equity portfolio can be chosen.
    2) You should not help your son financially any more.
    3) Help your daughter to find a suitable assignment of her choice so that it will create her confidence level.
    4) Don't take unnecessary stress for the present set back.
    5) You may engage yourself with the tiny tots living your neighbours by opening a day care and in that way you can exploit your time effectively.

  • #152804
    Thank you all for your valuable suggestions. Yes, I will talk to my son one to one when I meet him next time. My daughter is already married and we'll settled. I have discussed about my financial s with all (including son in law and daughter in law). My daughter and son in law concured with me keeping my financial position in tact and not spending on the houses for repair but to receive the rentals all alone to reduce my liabilities and to have reserve funds for my future. My son is not comfortable in accepting this arrangements but scared to open up before his sister.

    I will have to bring him within the religious circle to make him understand the relationship between him and me. I will try that too.

    Thanks a lot once again and hoping to get guidance from you all in future.

    Asma


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