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This thread is Special Prize winner of TOW for the week 24th July to 30th July’16
  • Category: Miscellaneous

    Double standards of society

    Sharing something a friend posted on Facebook. I have maintained the essence of the post, but rephrased the wordings. Here goes -

    If a man does not wish to reside with his wife's parents he is regarded as an independent and righteous man, with a great sense of pride. Men living with their in-laws are generally looked down upon, in most Indian communities. However, if a woman chooses not to live with her husband's parents she is thought of as being a crafty and devious sorceress, who has distanced the son away from his parents.

    Why does society portray such double standards? What is your view on this?
  • #572806
    Normally a son in law cannot live with father in law and his family and that is considered as Ghar ki Jamai. Where as it is the duty of the wife to live with husbands parents and that is expressly understood. But in some cases I have seen the father in law having only one daughter and insisted before hand that the son law would stay with them and even look after the business. Even in that circumstances too the son in law wont budge and live with them fearing the society which may tag him as ghar jamai. So it is better to stay away from the parents of both sides and prove the ability to pull on the family with great grid and gusto. That would have respect either side.
    K Mohan
    I consider myself as the learner everyday

  • #572810
    It has become a dirty mind set of the people and we cannot do anything in this regard. How people only think of only husband family is a family and wife family is not a family what, it is a bitter truth of our society that I think is never gone change
    live happily in every situation of life

  • #572822
    Prior to offering logical comments, let me take the liberty of sharing something which I had heard long back regarding the subject matter. The individual concerned was himself a 'gharjamai' (live-in son-in-law). He used to say that the God Vishnu, one of the most significant deities in Hinduism was a 'gharjamai' as His abode was 'Ksheera Sagara' (the ocean of milk) from where His wife Goddess Lakshmi had originated.
    It is true that being a 'gharjamai' is considered a social stigma in Indian society but since ages, many people adopt the practice due to various compelling or other comparatively simple reasons.
    I have read that in texting language, such gentlemen are referred as 'GJ'.
    However, no gender discrimination is perhaps involved in such systems. It had been the practice since ages that the women after marriage will move to their husband's house and in due course will become the lord of the house.

    Let us encourage each other in sharing knowledge.

  • #572834
    As a daughter's father, I support the argument of the author. But we can't deny the practice followed from generations. Of course, things are slowly getting changed and we are having one child or two children formula. Both son and daughter are getting equal shares and there is an attitudinal change among parents.

    Let us not forget one thing. It is customary that a daughter should be sent to her in-law's house and not the son after marriage. Even after winning the Swayamwar, Lord Rama took Sita to Ayodhya and not settled down with his father-in-law Rajah Janak.


  • #572835
    This is not the double standard. This is our old tradition and culture we are following.
    In most of the part of world normally a girl goes to the groom's house. Some western countries young couples stay separately as both are working and love to stay independent. And visit both of their parents in mean time. If you do not like this concept then instead of blaming whole society you just make a plan to marry such person who will stay with you at your home, because one changes will bring notice to rest of the person and slowly it will become the tradition.

  • #572839
    Is it that easy to change the custom or tradition of thousand years in a day? First of all, we have to answer this question.
    “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” - Paul Terry

  • #572844
    I have also read similar double standards in the other way. Double standards will be there always in one way or other.
    What I have read and recall now is:
    " When my son-in-law takes bed coffee to his wife, he is a nice husband. If my son takes bed coffee to his wife he is a henpecked husband". ( I think the word is not objectionable, if so, I shall remove and give suggestion only).
    Matriarchal societies have( at least were having till a few decades ago as I know) the system of son-in-law coming as 'married in'. I know many parents having insisting on 'Gharjamai".
    There are many families who welcome their daughter and son-in-law to stay with them, but do not like their daughter-in-law to stay with her parents.
    Ironically double standards is now practice in reverse.
    (What I have given is the updated version seen in many places and fast spreading)

    Let us keep faith on ourselves and work sincerely, not leave everything to fate.

  • #572847
    I don't want to comment in this regard but do you people know that in Maghalaya(state of India),husband have to move with his wife after marriage.

  • #572848
    Purna you made some in complete revelation on the customs followed by people in Meghalaya on the subject matter. Just give some more details for the information of us.
    K Mohan
    I consider myself as the learner everyday

  • #572865
    Everyone is missing the point. It is not a question of traditions. Those are in any case man-made. And haven't traditions been done away with? Sati was a tradition as was shaving the heads of widows and making them wear white and treating them as outcasts. The subject of discussion is not about keeping or breaking of traditions. It is about two ways of reacting to things –considering the man's act as honourable and the woman's as being wile and wicked.

    Mohan – Is the 'call of duty' applicable to women alone? Anyway, you have sent a very strong message at the end of your post.

    Babu – I believe in the dictum that change is the only constant and hopefully a change is in the offing.

    Kailash – You don't notice the gender discrimination? Don't you see it as an affront to womankind?

    Jagdish – Nice to have you agree! However, you demonstrate a selective understanding from passages of the Ramayana. I can cite many things that are not practiced today - some are even unlawful.

    Swagatika - Are we so wrapped in our tradition that we follow it blindly? Do you mean to tell me that you agree that women who choose not to stay with their in-laws are calculating?

    Partha – Custom and tradition do not warrant hurling accusations at the nonconformists. I look for that to change.

    Venkiteswaran – There is a joke my husband put in our wedding album. A woman is all praise for her son-in-law when asked how her married daughter is doing. She proudly proclaims how he takes her out for dinners, brings her flowers and helps her around the house. On being asked about her daughter-in-law the woman describes her as slothful and always wanting to go out for dinners and movies. Different perspectives right – that has got to change.

    Purna – The Khasi's are an ancient tribe that follow age old matrilineal traditions. Referencing them in a discussion that encompasses a larger society is like a drop of water in an ocean.

    A fool will always try to make sense of his nonsense!

  • #572866
    The parents who have gone through their daughters' in-laws' system and tradition will have a similar mindset to keep their daughter-in-law accordingly in their home. Many parents always think on behalf of their children only; they never think more about their daughter-in-law in comparison to their own daughter. Basically, parents motive are fairly double standard. I've seen in many families where parents give complete freedom to their daughters, but they need a homely or house-wife for their son. Whatever higher education she may did, must not work after marriage. In this kind of case, some parents are agreed if their children agrees to work or their daughter-in-laws' profession is superior to their son or good in society. Actually all these things happen in arrange marriages where both of the families never understand each other. In search of good candidate they keep concealed all their natural habits, traditions, rules, regulations, choices, aspects, and many more things, which after marriage reveal and create unnecessary problems.
    Naresh Kumar
    'Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day.'

  • #572877
    Nowadays as per law, the daughters have an equal share in their parent's property. Earlier, it was not like that. As a matter of fact, earlier they never had rights over property except in the unfortunate cases of widowhood. Ultimately, it is the economics which determines each and everything. The parents having only daughters have to bequeath the property to the daughters only in any case. In the past, even the princesses had to leave their emperor father's abode and move to another kingdom.
    Incidentally, such a system is prevailing all over the world in all societies following different faiths.

    Let us encourage each other in sharing knowledge.

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