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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    How good is the bondage of your love with your good wife?

    Members,
    A real, affectionate and loving wife is she who shares each and everything with her husband. In happiness and sorrow, during good times and bad times, only the wife remains with her hubby.

    As I witnessed in my own family with my parents, and also the family of my relatives and certain friends, the wife waits for her husband to take food first, thereafter she uses the same plate or the banana leaf to take her food with the leftovers. She does it without any hesitation. She loves it.

    As a practice, the husband always leaves something for his wife. This happens mainly at home as a routine. This is also practiced during small home functions.

    How many of you practice the same? As a husband, do you like your wife doing this? As a wife, do you like to eat the leftovers of your husband? What is your general comment? Is it a good practice to follow or bad practice to stop it?
  • #641173
    Well being with me for 26 years itself shows that I was amicable to her and cooperating in every endeavor. Eating the left over of the husband after he finished the eating was done earlier when we are new couple and slowly I had asked her to shun the practice. But one thing is sure, she would serve all the things to everyone in the family no matter she has for her. But we ensure that she also keep her share before distributing the food to all. The more we give respect to the wife in every walk of life , she feels secured and wont even remember her mothers house. Such should be our affection towards her.
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #641176
    Goodness me, we did not know that wife eating leftovers of husband's food increases bonding within couples! We have been doing wrong all our married life. Sometimes my wife eats before me, like whenever she feels like eating, sometimes we all have our food together. We do not like wasting food. We all share leftovers of others in our family. Sometimes we share the plate too. We believe that eating together from the same plate increases the bonding.

    Dude, she is your life partner . Just have some respect for her. Do not treat her like a servant or an animal.

    When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new!

  • #641179
    "Goodness me, we did not know that wife eating leftovers of husband's food increases bonding within couples! "----------------Gypsy, most probably he wanted to mean wife and husband sharing food from the same thali would improve bonding between them. This is a popular belief in North India, which my wife always teaches me (but I don't want to learn).
    Non-violence is the greatest Dharma; So too is all righteous violence.

  • #641182
    It is a very long lasting custom in South India that wife eating in the plate or leaf in which her husband has eaten the food. If any remaining items are there on the plate she consumes those items also. In olden days when there were combined families, the husband used to get served more quantity and leave it on the plate to ensure his wife will get food definitely. But these days many are not used to it. There is no necessity also. Thinking this practice will increase bonding and love between the couples is not logical as far as I am concerned. I got married in 1985 and we have lived together so far for about 33 years. We like each other and respect each other. We will both exchange all issues openly. She takes care of the house and I will be doing the other part. But both will exchange our views on all the matters. Even we have a joint bank account. But she never eats in my plate but she never throws out the material left over not only on my plate but also on the plates of my sons. Now as both the sons got married their wives will share that food.
    drrao
    always confident

  • #641188
    The custom of wife eating the left over items from husband's plate or leaf was there among the Kerala Brahmin communities. But it was about sixty to seventy years back. I had seen this in my neighbouring family. An aged person had two legally married wives. On the birthday of the man, as soon as his eating is over, these two wives rush to grab the leaf and who got it would take her meal in that. But I never felt this custom increased the bondage between husband and wife. For example, in the case of this old man he was not showing any special attraction towards any of these two. Not only that, he was regularly going to sleep in a neighbouring house where he was having another spouse. (She belonged to a different caste, hence never came to the main home). Hence the custom (?) of eating the left overs was only to establish the supremacy of the male.
    Now among the educated families I do not expect anything of this sort.

    T.M.Sankaran
    Gold Member ISC

  • #641191
    Partha,

    Just read his initial post carefully. It is customary and he deliberately leaves food on his plate.

    His words "As a practice, the husband always leaves something for his wife. "

    When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new!

  • #641199
    One should understand it clearly. Husband leaves something ( not to leave a fully empty plate )for his beloved wife, not for any animal or unwanted elements. This is done purely as a custom and duty. Many wives say that the leftovers in her husbands plate or leaf tastes excellent as they are made for each other. If the hubby doesn't leave anything in that plate, the plate or the leaf would abuse the husband -" Hey fool, Can't you leave something for your good lady." This becomes a big curse from the plate that we use to eat.
    No life without Sun

  • #641211
    Such shameless husbands are the main cause of atrocities against women in our country today. Such morons respect the "leaf" or plate or third-party opinions more than their wives. They could never see the woman do something better than him and so keep them suppressed and enslaved. It is compounded when the husband is unlearned, so he blindly follows whatever he is told.

    What would the woman do when the bigoted husband dies? Will she have courage to eat from a fresh plate or go around collecting left-overs from other male pigs? She'd be confused if she's illiterate.

    Custom and duty never equals to love. One can be fully dutiful and keeping the customs outwardly while thinking of sticking a knife into your belly.

    Education and self-respect would prevent such things from happening. In my house, and in my parents' house I have personally ejected such stupid slave-driver traditions; and I teach others the same too.

    Never spend what is not yours!

  • #641212
    Bala your summing of husbands who happens to leave the left overs of their food for further be taken by their wives on their plate or the plantain leaf does not amount to shameless behavior nor it is concerned with their so called atrocities which you have generalized. If you take the old generation of any home across the country, they were having the good bonding, best understanding and that is the reason being so many children were given birth and nurtured well. If as per you the atrocities were done on the women , then how come so many children are born and nurtured in good manner ?
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #641218
    "Such shameless husbands are the main cause of atrocities against women in our country today. Such morons respect the "leaf" or plate or third-party opinions more than their wives."---------------As the Members from South India have stated that this is an age-old custom, then how can this custom cause atrocities against women today? Mr. Bala should comment in a proper manner.
    Non-violence is the greatest Dharma; So too is all righteous violence.

  • #641232
    Bala,
    Do you know this. Hope you have not experienced this. During the first night of the newly married couple, the bride enters the bedroom with a glass of milk or takes the milk already available in the bed room. The bridegroom accepts the milk; drinks only a part of it (only a loving partner does this); the bride expects some left over milk; and the bride takes it with joy and happiness. If nothing is left, the bride would feel it. The same is followed in the rest of their life in the plates too. As said by Mohan, did the custom of eating the leftovers caused atrocities to the women of olden days who were capable of giving birth to a dozen children with the strong bondage of love by eating the leftovers of her beloved.

    Let your comment be meaningful. As per your statement, you are also from the same family which followed the tradition of eating the leftovers. Now you got the practice ejected. Was there any atrocity to your own family women in the past by your family men?

    No life without Sun

  • #641236
    Let us not ridicule the man because he follows customs and traditions alien to yours. Mocking him does not make you better. He is practising an age-old custom which he believes is right – he has been taught to believe it to be right. In his mind and heart, he is doing the right thing, because he knows no better. His action and belief show how much he loves his wife because that is the way love is portrayed where he comes from.

    And wives eating leftovers is a practice followed in many cultures across India. I gathered this from Ekta Kapoor's portrayals of our society.

    Sun, love does not grow by eating leftovers. Love exists when you willingly, eat something that a spouse leaves behind. Love cannot be controlled and manipulated through traditions – it is an emotion that comes from within.

    The use of the word 'bondage' in your text describes the true relationship. You could not have chosen a better word. Bondage is nothing but subjugation, domination, oppression, exploitation… And this is exactly what it is. Wives were seen as someone to attend to a man's needs – to serve him. Prepare his meals, serve and wait on him as he eats, eat after he finishes…it all points to bondage, aka slavery.

    Unlettered, timid, underage girls were forced into believing that eating the remnants from their man's plate was their way of showing love. They were tutored into believing it would, and they blindly followed the ritual and it became a tradition. You know a lie when repeated over and over again appears to be true.

    I doubt girls married at a young age even understood the meaning of love, between a married couple.

    I find this age-old practice demeaning to women. When you are following a practice because of a tradition then it cannot come from the heart. A husband and wife must be equal, and equality is missing in this equation. You don't have to follow customs for love to grow.

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak" - Michael Garrett Marino

  • #641238
    Members,
    Our ancestors did not make a mistake of making such customs and traditions. Certainly, it is meaningful. Couples getting united from different families are strongly bonded with such customs and traditions. Unless you have the real love and affection, you won't share the leftovers or remnants. Even marriage is a compulsion to love each other and have the bondage of love.

    A modern wife may not like such customs and traditions as the bondage of love is not strong between the couple.

    No life without Sun

  • #641240
    The author is perfectly correct. There was a huge meaning behind many customs. Earlier, even men in the Tamil Brahmin community used to wear earrings. This was quite a fashion and even those in Government services still do so. Of course, this is rather restricted, as members of this community have gone abroad and the priests among this community is very difficult to find indeed. There are several such customs.

    With rice powder a particular design is often seen in most of South India, including in Bangalore. This is meant to feed the ants. In the villages, a mixture of cow dung is used as a natural anti-septic to ward away all virus. This continues in many villages even today. Similarly, the girls still wear the half sari, and this is a perfect dress. This is even seen in Kerala. The flowers on the head is also one such.

    The sweet fragrance of jasmine is still a treat. It is another story that many thousands of people are slowly giving up all customs. The so called swiggies and biggies that provide instant food will continue to dominate the food habits.

    Everything that is old -- and gold-- is going to be long forgotten. The huge emotional bonding that was so much a part of old cultures, is gone forever. This is the price of commercialism. I do not think this is going to change.

    Even relationships between brothers and sisters is becoming hugely commercial, all over.

  • #641268
    Good replies so far, Bond of love is different from bondage of love, as rightly pointed out by Juana.

    I do not practice this, we both have eaten from plates where our children have left a large amount of rice or a side dish.

    Such practices do not encourage love but rather a sense of fear and duty towards the husband. we talk about respect for woman, wife, mother but such simple things expose our double standards of preaching what we do not practice.

    The other thing that I've seen in many homes and feel sorry about is the habit of the mother to serve the elderly in-laws first, then children and husband, the poor woman has to wait for almost an hour, then finish her dinner alone and then tidy up the dining table.

    We can't blame our elders and tradition for this but our sense of fairplay and understanding in the current times should give us the maturity to change such practices.

  • #641290
    Let us see what happens when we reverse this custom. How many of those who defend this custom are willing to eat leftovers from the plate of their wives?
    Will you do that not only at home but also outside in public functions and hotels?

    If we follow this custom and teach our so many children the same, then we are producing more people who promote bondage and more who oppose human dignity. What if we teach them to take up and clean their own dishes after eating instead of following some meaningless ritual? Maybe we'll have more responsible and caring men instead of immature brats.

    We can't take it like our elders were always right in all things. Some customs like the design of rice flour on front of house or antiseptic value in cow dung, etc. they are fine on their own standing since they do not affect a woman's worth.
    Some age old customs are just ugly old customs. There are other customs and traditions that need to go, like having lower caste people rolling on leftovers on banana leaf of upper caste people. Sati is gone since it is illegal today, but if the law didn't come up, those poor women would be thrown into the fire by other relatives who practice bondage instead of bonding.

    I am sure we all like to hear and speak only good things about our elders and forefathers. We are also conditioned to ignore the skeletons in their cupboards and we don't discuss this since it is taboo to talk bad of elders. Well, if you probe a little of your ancestry you'll find some things you'd find hard to accept.

    Personally, I have seen such male domination in my family and in other families, both relatives and non-relatives. I have seen enough to stand against it and been able to reason with immediate family to dispose these practices. So now some elderly women who take medication don't wait for the husband to eat before they eat; grandparents don't boss over their children in front of their grandchildren; old women don't be bodyguards for even older men but use support personnel instead. And nobody dares to roll on banana leaf meal leftovers.

    It is fine if one wants to eat like that occasionally for love, or in some emergency situations but doing it every day is not love. It is also okay if the people concerned were doing it not knowing what they did, but now there is no excuse after knowing about these or even reading this thread. Truth sets you free. Hopefully some women may be set free from here.

    Never spend what is not yours!

  • #641307
    In the past, every couple lived happily and never had much problem. Their bondage of love was so strong that the wife enjoyed her life as a slave under her husband following the customs and traditions. Every wife loved to be a slave and serve her hubby. There were no divorce cases in the court. Whereas, in the present days, the bondage of love is so weak that woman refuse to respect and love her husband because of high education and earning capacity. The couple have egoism. Most of the courts are filled with divorce cases due to this reason only.
    "Aanukku Penn Adimai" (Female is a slave to male) is the golden Tamil phrase. This cannot be changed. Yes. It is true. A wife is a slave to her husband. A real wife is she who is entangled with the bondage of love of her husband, and enjoys life with him. A lady is always a slave to the love of her husband, not otherwise. Such a love is openly shown by eating the leftovers in his plate. So, nothing is wasted.

    No life without Sun

  • #641309
    Don't gloat over the fact that there were no divorces in the era gone by. Get down to the reasons, and you will probably be ashamed.

    Women had no voice, they were left to their own fate. Society attached a stigma to the word divorce, and families chose to abandon their daughters to their fate, in the name of cultural values and societal norms. They asked women to adjust, no matter how difficult the situation was. Women adjusted and bore it all, not because of love, but because they had nowhere else to go.

    Women were treated like slaves by these men and their families. The idea of getting a new bride was that they will be served and looked after by her. Polygamy was rampant, and men kept mistresses. This concept is still practised in the South – haven't we heard of 'chinna veedu', which refers to mistresses' house. It was also thought right for a man to beat his wife. This, was not love, this was an obligation – women were compelled to stay in the relationship for the sake of a false family honour. They weren't financially independent to walk out. And when children arrived, it became more difficult to separate.

    Those who applaud the women of yesterday should be embarrassed by their past. They unwittingly approve of inequality, subjugation, ill-treatment and beating of women and more. This is just a false sense of pride. They rather have women continue being slaves, in the name of tradition than them walking out of a bad marriage. There can be no love in a relationship where one is seen as being greater than the other.

    Women from the past are not there to speak for themselves and the atrocities they bore.

    Women today are educated and financially independent – kudos to them. They don't hesitate in filing for divorce because now they are capable of looking after themselves. They are bold enough to kick society in the face.

    This is what the patriarchal society cannot digest. They expect the woman to be self-sacrificing and adjusting – why? This glorified image of women that we create, has destroyed many lives. Whenever there is the talk of divorce, the blame is shoved on the woman. She cannot adjust – "woman refuse to respect and love her husband because of high education and earning capacity", says the post above. Do you forget that respect and love are mutual? And when you say "refuses to", you inadvertently propagate the reality that in the past, women were forced to behave in a certain way. She was given no choice, allowed no freedom, she did what was expected of her. And admitting that education and earning capacity allows them the freedom to make decisions corroborates my view of women staying on in bad marriages, because of lack of financial support.

    Thank goodness for women's emancipation. Women have now found a voice. They can now tell a man that they can live without him. It is time men learn to treat women as their equal or else there will be more divorces and men left alone.

    "Aanukku Penn Adimai" (Female is a slave to male) is the golden Tamil phrase. I do not speak Tamil and am trusting your translation of the phrase. It just points to the fact that you blindly believe another's opinion, without applying your brains, because what the opinion says, matches your rigid and skewed thinking.

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak" - Michael Garrett Marino

  • #641313
    Bala & Juana,

    Don't you think you are wasting your time & energy?

    When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new!

  • #641314
    [Response removed by Admin. Read forum policies.]
    No life without Sun

  • #641330
    From the Author's table:
    The whole lot of ISCians are wasting their time and energy at ISC to discuss both positives and negatives, good and bad about the life on this earth. Someone might be interested and few may not be interested to discuss. Members who doesn't like to waste their time and energy can also save their time spent and energy lost to post single line responses than poking into this thread.

    No life without Sun

  • #641340
    [Response removed by Admin. Read forum policies.]
    When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new!

  • #641343
    The thread has generated a lot of interest from the members and is really an interesting thread where author has asked about sharing of food between the husband and wife from the same platter which is an old age custom and is followed by many individuals across the communities.

    There is nothing wrong in that if it is acceptable to the both partners and is not a forcing ritual.

    Today we see many lovebirds in parks and roadside eateries eating from the same plate and even sometimes feeding each other. So there is nothing unusual in that. Only thing to be seen is that after marriage for how long it continues. If it continues it's fine otherwise that is the infatuation of young age only and nothing else.

    So I can not link this practice to the strength of the bond between the two. This is an old age custom to be followed by an individual as per his belief and personal liking.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #641351
    [Response removed by Admin. Read forum policies.]
    No life without Sun

  • #641354
    Everyone is entitled to have their own views and I respect them. The stark reality implied by this thread is about our patriarchal concepts/traditions and how people want to stick to it or change it. Yes, we had it, but we need to change it also.

  • #641359
    [Response removed by Admin. Read forum policies.]
    No life without Sun

  • #641362
    I hope you realize what you are saying. A slave is owned by someone. If something is owned, then it can also be sold or hired out. This is made worse when you move from husband/wife to "Aanukku Penn Adimai" (Female is a slave to male); does it mean all the females in the house is owned by one slave driver? Wow, that would be like running a prostitution racket, and that would be an insult to the sex-workers who work for some specific reason by free choice.

    This is a typical example of how narrow mindsets ruin progress in our country. In the olden days they didn't have courts like we have now, but something like those male-mob-justice who take the law into their own hands and decide at the whim of the clan chief.

    Taking this perverted mindset down is not time wasted. I don't know how many people look at this thread, it would be good to use it to teach the undecided on making the right and reasonable decisions in their lives.

    Noticed only male members except Juana have spoken here. It would be great to break this male dominated thread by having female members to speak up. If any will be in home trouble for speaking up, it is understandable. Those who can, please do speak out. Your children and grandchildren will find valuable treasures in your closet while certain others will find more rotting skeletons in those other closets. Don't be intimidated by the author's age or long membership time or slave-driving methods.

    The author has directly mocked you and your non-slavery choice in #641359

    "@ Ladies who do not wish to be a slave to her husband's love, affection and care, may be sent to Sun in a rocket, tied firmly. But who should do this?"

    Never spend what is not yours!

  • #641363
    Sun,
    Sorry to say that you have crossed the line of fire by using some words repetitively which appears to be deliberate against the other gender. I suggest you to tender apology here before we lock this thread. Otherwise admin doesn't hesitate to take action against you.

    Regards,
    Jagdish

  • #641364
    #641314

    "With the high education and capacity to earn, men lost their originality, respect and freedom."

    Interesting! You are saying that men are unable to retain their position of power when they are pitted against intelligent, confident, educated, independent women. So, technically what you are stating is that men can be strong only when women are dependent on them.

    Ah! Exactly my opinion. All this bravado of being superior falls to smithereens when such men are faced with women their equal.

    Men that you describe are only capable of exploiting, ill-treating, enslaving and taking advantage of someone weaker than them. The moment they are pitched against accomplished women, who can stand up to them, they lose all their false sense of male pride. And what do they do; they start playing the blame game. How pitiable is that?

    Real men earn respect through their behaviour, and definitely not through sexual innuendos that you so brazenly include in your posts.

    Jagdish,
    I agree, voicing an opinion is one thing, but this is a deliberate attempt to spread bigotry. And this is not for the first time.

    I sincerely hope you follow through with your threat. We have a social responsibility and should not be allowing such nonsense and misogynistic behaviour on the forum.

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak" - Michael Garrett Marino

  • #641367
    I sincerely feel that the small difference between ''bonding'' and ''bondage'' is creating lots of miscommunication here.
    Non-violence is the greatest Dharma; So too is all righteous violence.

  • #641374
    Jagdish Patro,
    Nothing is said wrongly by me . A senior member wanted someone to be sent to a planet in a rocket. Did you read it? I think you havn't. I got it repeated in a reverse order. Will that smart member be asked to tender an apology first for his ill fitting words in this forum? If yes, I shall seek an apology for my statement. I too have mother, sisters and daughter who are wives to someone. I too married and living with my good lady. My intention is not to degrade or insult women. It came up as a subject for discussion. Indeed, it was an interesting discussion with 30+ responses. According to my conscious, I haven't said anything wrong or gone against women. Yet, if ISC Admin decides to take action against me, I would embrace it.

    My final contention is - Wife should be a slave (*one may modify the word slave )to her husband's love, affection and care. It is quoted philosophically. Members may interpret this statement in whatever way they like.

    @ Jagdish - I have nothing else to say. As a good Editor, you have all the right to delete or modify the inappropriate/irrelevant words or statements made by the members than threatening the members, especially senior members like me.

    You may lock this thread or leave it open as deemed fit by you.

    No life without Sun

  • #641376

    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #641378
    Don't shield yourself behind "…quoted philosophically". Even men who molest and rape women have mothers, sisters and daughters, so don't tell us you have them too – that doesn't change a thing. Your comments have been nothing short of derogatory.

    You made it worse by suggesting that women be "…sent to Sun". Deplorable.

    Not so long ago, I had mentioned a legitimate title of a music piece, in a questionnaire posted by another member. You had then raised a hue and cry that the title was used to insult you – when the thread had nothing to do with you. The lesson that was taught to me, in that instance, was that any reference to the sun, on the ISC Forum is directed at you.

    And now, you ask for women to be "...sent to Sun", not to 'the sun', but to Sun.

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak" - Michael Garrett Marino

  • #641380
    Juana,
    When love is thin, fault is thick. What else can be said? Do we require a rocket to reach the Sun you think? I repeat When love is thin, fault is thick.

    No life without Sun


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