| Author: PRAVEEN KUMAR.R 18 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Silver Points : 1 |
Nice joke
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Meaning of Dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
What do you think it means?"
"You shall know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
Guess Who?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!
Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love
letter to her: "I luv u sister."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?
Santa: Birla cement.
Banta: Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu : Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard train is coming on platform?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. 1day a pigeon reaches Banta without
message. Angry Banta calls Santa!
Santa: Oye, this was a missed call
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first - the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash ?"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Sardarji waiting at bus stop.
One gentleman came there by Bike and asked : " You want lift?"
Sardarji says, "No thanks, my house is in ground floor"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Judge: You have 3 children. How ll u divide them after your divorce.
Sardar: Ok! we will apply next year.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A man to Doctor : I swallowed a key last week.
Doctor : why didn't u come to me earlier?
Man : Because i had the duplicate which i lost today
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realized that the king was planning to kill her, so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days before you do, your majesty."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked they were constantly interrupted by people describing their health problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Supermarket
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you are a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is…"
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss…"
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Scars
Barber -Have I shaved you before?
Customer -No. I got these scars in the war.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Lecture
Professor Crumb -What struck you most at my lecture last night?
Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was meant for you.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Saxophone
Jones -I thought you hated the saxophone?
Bones -I do.
Jones -Then why did you buy your son one?
Bones -Because I hate the neighbors more.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
My husband Jeff and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk.
The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more. 'Sir,' my husband politely said, 'please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old.'
'Okay,' the computer technician replied. 'Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Hot Coffee ..Cold Coffee
2 BANIA SIT IN A COFEE HOUSE.
1ST- JALDI PI, COFEE THANDI HO JAEGI.
2ND- TO KYA?
1ST- BEWAKUF, MENU CARD PADH
HOT COFEE RS.20 & COLD RS.40…
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Leave Letters (Jokes)
Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for
leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land
along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an
employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a
week's leave.."
*
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
From H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Another employee applied for half day leave
as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10
o-clocks and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day
holiday."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering
from headache. I request
you to leave me today"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Another leave letter written to the
headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave
for the day."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Actual letter written for application of
leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am
her only husband at home
I may be granted leave".
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me"
The Chinese replies,
"Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Archimede's principle:
When a boy is dipped fully or partially in the love of a girl,
then the loss in his studies is equal to time spent in her memories
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
What is height of Secrecy?
A. Offering blank visiting cards.
What is height of Active laziness?
A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
What is height of Craziness?
A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
What is height of Forgetfulness?
A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
What is height of Stupidity?
A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
What is height of Honesty?
A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
What is height of Suicide?
A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
What is height of De-hydration?
A. A cow giving milk powder.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Physics Joke 1:
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Physics Joke 2:
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Physics Joke 3:
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
(*STATUTORY WARNING: DRINKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH )
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Physics Joke 4:
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Physics Joke 5:
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Physics Joke 6:
When a third-grade student was asked to define the term "vacuum" in class, she answered, "A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Physics Joke 7:
Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Physics Joke 8:
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
(3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Physics Joke 9:
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Physics Joke 10:
A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition
On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
A man asked god, "What is a 100 year for you?"
God replied, "It's just a second for me!"
The man asked again, "What is 100 Crore Rupees for you?"
God replied, "It's just a coin for me"
The man asked, "Give me a coin please!"
God said,"Wait a second !!!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal Went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his Courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? “After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that she had gone to visit her daughter.With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.”!!!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
I think this is the feeling of most of the guys…..
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. 'Who are you?'
'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.
'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'
The whole audience including priest started laughing………. but not the poor groom!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?'
Wife: 'I couldn't lift the table.'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
'What did one ghost say to another?'
'Do you believe in people?'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
————-
'Room Service? Can you send up a towel?'
'Please wait someone else is using it.'
————-
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
'Where did you get those big eyes?'
'They came with the face.'
————–
I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
————–
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
'Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.'
'Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from.'
————–
'Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older?'
'Yes if you're lucky.'
————–
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
'Has there been any insanity in your family?'
'Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss.'
————–
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
My wife doesn't know what she wants.'
'You're lucky. My wife does.'
————–
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.
————–
'What do use for washing dishes?'
'Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best.'
————–
'Why don't you give your husband a divorce?'
'What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?'
—————
'Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?'
'I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months.'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
"That woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "…and I can't remember who she was!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
We all know that the Lord Rama has been addressed by different names like Janakirama, Kalyanarama, Anantharama etc.
Likewise, Krishna have different names like Gopalakrishna, Ananthakrishna etc.
One day, our Ancestors were thinking how to refer to all those names in an easy way.
You all know that our ancestors are pioneer in mathematics. With their mathematical knowledge, they found a concept called ARRAY.
They decided to put all names of Rama in an array called RAMA… and all names of Krishna in an array called KRISHNA…
From then on they start referring them as "ARRAY RAMA ARRAY KRISHNA"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.
"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."
"But I could be dead by then!"
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that… What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingy
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Lufthansa Airlines
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have
lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were
somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an
emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that
all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the
swimmers are on the right side of the plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The
captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the
swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and
quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… -Thank You for
Flying Lufthansa- ".
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Delta Airlines
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying,
"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our
carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You
for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that
the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a
recorded message."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
What did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing?
Aaila!!!!! Kisne mera pocket maar liya
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A elephant falls in luv wid n Ant.but Ant's parents r against their marrige? Guess why??
They gave a solid reason?
**Ladke k daant bahar hain**
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Ek aadmi marne vala hei to use kya khilaoge …….
Sweets - nops
Salt - nopes
Think …..
Arey use birla white cement Khilana Kyunki iske ander jaan hei…….
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
1) Smoking 2) Drinking 3) Charas 4) Ganja 5) Chicken 6) Mutton 7) Oily food Masala 9) Sleep & obesity 10) Pollution
= Heart Attack Matlab ?
DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Ek haathi agar swimming pool mein gir gaya to kaise bahar nikalega??????? ….. Think ….. …..
Geela ho ke nikalega……
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
THE YOUNG BUSINESSMAN
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
THE HR E-MAIL
E-mail one
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
E-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Golden Anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Angry Wife
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Biting Nails
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
(If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is,
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.
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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 1 |
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke– especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).
An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'… es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens… you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. |