| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: TELL ME PROPERLY
CANDIDATE: MOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER: YOUR FATHER'S NAME?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE: MANMOHAN PAL SIR
OFFICER: YOUR NATIVE PLACE
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: IS IT MADHYA PRADESH?
CANDIDATE: NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR
OFFICER: WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT?
CANDIDATE: MATRIC PASS
OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB?
CANDIDATE: M P. SIR
OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR
OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY
CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR
OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW
CANDIDATE : M P. SIR
OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW
CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE. …?
OFFICER: MP!!!
CANDIDATE: WHAT IS THAT SIR..?
OFFICER: MENTALLY PUNCTURED…………….!!!! !!!!!!!!!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Tech Support
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer" Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Technical support 2
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
6 ways 2 catch a lion
1. Newton's Method:
Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion
2. Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
3. Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment, there is a positive probability that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit down and wait.
4. Inverse Transformation Method:
We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse transformation with respect to lion. Lion is in and we are out.
5. Thermodynamic Procedure:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.
6. Integration Differential Method:
Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion is some where in the result. So differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Mathematics Love Letter: - My Dear Love, Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASHBASIN" …….
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape? Sardar : its simple. I will stop my imagination! !!
Communities Tagged : Fun
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
Q: Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: Why do sardars have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: How can you tell when a sardar sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Why can't sardars dial 911?
A: They can not find the eleven on the phone.
Q: How do you get a sardar on the roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Q: What do smart sardars and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: How do you keep a Surd busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why do surds work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you confuse a surd?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why do men like surd jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when U offer a surd a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?
A: The back of his head.
Q: What do a surd and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What do you do when a surd throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why did the surd take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A: He thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.
Q: Why are surds hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't surds put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Whats the difference between a Surd and a Supermarket Trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A surd parade.
Q: Guy asked his surd wife "how did you get the car in the living room"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
A: Sardar: "No, who wrote it?"
Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed.
Q: How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.
Q: What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell….he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
A: The back of his head.
Q: What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
A: Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
Q: What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
A: Just-one Singh.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Sardar dial 911?
A: They cannot find the eleven on the phone.
Q: How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Q: What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
SURD: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
SURD: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Two surds observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Surd#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Surd#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young. The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?" Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go………
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
God and the man
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
What's 3 x 2?
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said '3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's why I failed the maths test.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
***********************************************
Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
***********************************************
Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k…….but??
how much is DRIVING salary…?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
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2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES…NO…YES…NO…YES…NO…
***********************************************
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office….
***********************************************
A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied…. "Hindi tera baap!!!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written…BC 1760!!!….
*********************************************** A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating…….
***********************************************
Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY….
***********************************************
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state…..
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS…….
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Vella Reddy an Indian (Hyderabadi) guy.
Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try' Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Reddy says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.' Calmly, Reddy turns to the other candidate and says 'elaa vunnavu babu'
The other candidate answers 'baguunanu babu '
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is…
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right… "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
The prime Minister of China
called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
" I'm sorry to hear about the attack.
It is a very big tragedy.
But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have
copies of everything."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr. President, I would like to express my condolences to you.It
is a real tragedy.
So many people, such great bldgs…
I would like to ensure that we had nothin! g in connection with that……..
Bush: What Tragedy ? What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops…Will call back in an hour!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and
says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis
and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no-one would worry
about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 4 |
Enjoy !!!!!!!!
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee == profit
Smart boss + dumb employee == production
Dumb boss + smart employee == promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee == overtime
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 3 |
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days
, you can keep it.
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to
teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A ranger was briefing a group of walkers in a park:
"It is possible," he warned, "that we will encounter a grizzly bear.
However, as grizzlies usually avoid contact with humans, I suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks to signal your approach & give the bears time to retreat.
If you do see any grizzly bear droppings," he added, "leave the area at once."
"But how will we know if they are bear droppings?" asked one walker.
"Easy," replied the ranger.
"Grizzly bear droppings are full of small bells."
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
A man appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up. 'Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a while ago?' she asked, puzzled. 'Yes,' replied the man plaintively, 'but there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'
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| Author: Vinothkumar K 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 5 |
Once a couple had one of their usual quarrels as a consequence of which all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning. So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife's pillow. His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper. On it was written, "Please wake up, it is 6 o'clock now".
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