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Best Funny Jokes
Posted Date: 25 Apr 2008 Resource Type: Entertainment Category: Jokes
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Posted By: KUMAR Member Level: Silver
Rating:  Points: 4
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submit the best funny jokes.
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Responses
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| Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | 3 men were sitting on a building, they were ordered to throw something away. The 1st man threw his gold, 2nd: his wine, 3rd: a bomb. They were walking one day, and the 1st person saw a girl crying, he asked why she was crying, she said a piece of gold hit her. "sorry that was me", he said. Same thing with the next girl, but she had wine on her head, which dyed her hair purple. The 3rd person saw a girl laughing hysterically, he asked what was so funny. She said: Daddy farted and the whole house blew up!
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | This woman had just gotten out of the shower when her husband went in. Suddenly the door bell rang, so she put on a towel and went downstairs. When she opened the door it was the next-door neighbor Rob. "I'll give you $500 if you'll drop the towel," Rob said. So she dropped the towel, grabbed the $500, then went to tell her husband about the money. Before she could say a word, however, her husband yelled out, "Hey, was that Rob with that $500 he owes me?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | A little old lady was walking down the street, and she kept
repeating, "21, 21." She walked past a man who heard what she
was saying. "Come on, lady!" he said, "You are not 21!" She
smacked him on the head with her handbag, then walked off
repeating, "22, 22..."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are my choices?" And she said, "Yes or no."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | A guy gos to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news. The guy says "well gimme the worst news first." The doc says well sir you have Cancer.The guy says "thats terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says well sir you also have Alzheimers disease. And the guy says well, at least I dont have Cancer.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church. The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun. As he is being taken away he yells out, "Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $227.95. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | 1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend? The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it? You swim across -- all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home. As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?" "Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 | A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!'' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | A dog walks into a bar. He hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I'm a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink for the talking dog?" The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Alright. The toilet's right around the corner."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | The sky was dark The moon was high We were alone Just she and I Her hair was brown Her eyes were too I knew just what She wanted to do So with my courage I did my best And placed my hand Upon her breast I trembled and shook And felt her heart Slowly she spread Her legs apart I knew she was ready But I didn't know how It was my first try At milking a cow
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!" Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?" The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink." Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?" The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink." Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?" The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?" "I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles." He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess ? you were blowing bubbles too?" "No, I'm Bubbles."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine. Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS. Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows. They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine. Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS. Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows. They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine. Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS. Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows. They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea. "Just watch me and follow my lead," he said. He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here." The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?" The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar." "But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said. "Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever." The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar. "But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy. The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?" The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up...I'll get my hat."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot. "It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?" "Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'" "Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought. "Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.' "That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked. "I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the bird's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him. "Nice pigs, sir!" "Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." "Nice trade, sir!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him. "Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel. "I'm here to eat some apples." "But this is a pine tree!" "I know. I brought my own apples."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | A black cow was standing in the middle of the road. A man was hauling ass around a corner with no headlights on, no dome light, no lights on at all. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the cow. How did the guy see the cow? It was daytime
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best Send
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best Send
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best Send
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said ?There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.? ?So then what did make you scream,? Bob asked, exasperated. ?Well,? Joe continued, ?two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ?Should we take them home or eat 'em now???
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!" Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | Q:What did the elephant say when it saw a dead ant? A: DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT....... Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant? A: It stepped on the ant and then said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT....
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?" "Woof!" barks the dog. "Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--" "Woof!" interrupts the dog. "And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--" "Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse. As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog. "Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the most clever animal I've ever seen!" "Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.'' The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.'' The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.'' So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.'' ''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man. ''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.''
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used Linux to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. This guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life. He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter."Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright. "Still quivering, the poor architect says: "At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here." St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: "Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..." Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: "Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him." St.Peter turns around to see the sight. "Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..." Send
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill," God said, "I'm really confused about this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," God replied, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), "This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Ah," God smiled and said, "That was just the screensaver."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill," God said, "I'm really confused about this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," God replied, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), "This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Ah," God smiled and said, "That was just the screensaver."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill," God said, "I'm really confused about this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," God replied, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), "This is awful; this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Ah," God smiled and said, "That was just the screensaver."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 | The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the user's computer files had been deleted: "Were you sure?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 | The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you, Pa, but where is the user's guide and manuals?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car. "I think I can fix it," says the computer engineer. The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it." The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, "Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car. "I think I can fix it," says the computer engineer. The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it." The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, "Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car. "I think I can fix it," says the computer engineer. The systems analyst says, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it." The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, "Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | I have an earache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ?You're beautiful!? and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said ?You're cute!? Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of ?beautiful? it was ?cute.? She said ?What happened to ?beautiful?? His reply was ?The drugs are wearing off!?
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ?Where do you work?? The man said, ?Here and there.? The judge asked the man, ?What do you do for a living?? The man said, ?This and that.? The judge then said, ?Take him away.? The man said, ?Wait, judge when will I get out?? The judge said to the man, ?Sooner or later.?
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ?Where do you work?? The man said, ?Here and there.? The judge asked the man, ?What do you do for a living?? The man said, ?This and that.? The judge then said, ?Take him away.? The man said, ?Wait, judge when will I get out?? The judge said to the man, ?Sooner or later.?
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ?Where do you work?? The man said, ?Here and there.? The judge asked the man, ?What do you do for a living?? The man said, ?This and that.? The judge then said, ?Take him away.? The man said, ?Wait, judge when will I get out?? The judge said to the man, ?Sooner or later.?
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--" ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?" ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--'' ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing. "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months passed and finally Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you." "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That?s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
What? she replied incredulously.
If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer?s brain cost $10,000?
Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That?s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
What? she replied incredulously.
If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer?s brain cost $10,000?
Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That?s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
What? she replied incredulously.
If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer?s brain cost $10,000?
Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 4 | A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
Aren?t you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.
Sure, after the police leave, replied the attorney.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 |
A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That?s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
What? she replied incredulously.
If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer?s brain cost $10,000?
Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding, and one says, "It's ridiculous! Sure, he's rich, but he's also 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for that kind of wedding in my family." "Oh, yeah? What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first guy asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other guy laughs and says, "She's just waiting for him to kick off!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me! 5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. 6. Bad cop! No donut! 7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? 8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead. 9. I pay your salary. 10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. 11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum! 12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist? 13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you. 15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. 18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me. 19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too windy for the passenger, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open. A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver instantly and stunning the passenger. Later, when a detective visited the scene, he asked a policeman standing nearby what happened. "Well," the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the other one's head straightened around, he was dead, too."
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to attend to nature's call in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to take a relieve himself right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | There was an old lady in a retirement home who had a bad case of Alsheimer's; sometimes she could barely remember anything. One day her eldest son came to visit her. "Do you know my name?" he asked. She looked at him and replied, "No, sonny, I'm sorry, I sure don't." Later that day he came back to see if her memory had improved. When she saw him she asked, "Hello, sonny. Did you ever find out what your name was?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 | A mother balloon is floating arond with her baby balloon. The caring mother tells her child to watch out for the cactus. The baby balloon replies, "What cactusssssssssssssssssssss...?"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 3 | A repeat offender was brought before the judge, who said, "Haven't I seen you in here several times before? And didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you in here again?" The offender replied, "Yes, Your Honor, that's exactly what I told the officer, but he insisted I come anyway!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 5 | Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of gold overboard. When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of silver overboard. When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, "I hate my country!" and he throws a bomb overboard. They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Can I help?" The little boy cries, "A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now she's unconscious in the hospital." The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella. When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her what's wrong. The little girl replies, "My mother got hit on the head with a bag of silver, and now she's in the hospital." The Irish bloke walks off in shame. When the Aussie gets back, he finds a little boy in the street laughing like a maniac. "What's so funny?" the Aussie asks. The little boy gasps, "My dad and I were out gardening, and my dad cut such a huge fart that it blew up the house!"
| | Author: Atul Vohra 25 Apr 2008 | |