| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
At the recent Olympics, a man was walking throught the Olympic villiage carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked "Are you a pole vaulter?" The man replied, "No, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven. "Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!" St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?" "Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continues. "What else?" "A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!" So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and he'll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." Then the other persom says,"tell me." so he says,"The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Two blokes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?" His friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Soccer World Cup. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around. Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there. The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation. "Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?" The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat." "Where is she?" the guy replied. "She died." "Oh, I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?" "No, they couldn't come." "Why?" "Because they are at her funeral."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
One day Steve Young died and went to Heaven. When he got there, God showed him to his new mansion, which had 49er stuff hanging everywhere. Then Steve looked out his new window and saw an even bigger mansion on the top of the hill. That mansion had Packer stuff hanging all over it, so Steve assumed it must belong to Brett Favre. So Steve asked God, "Why is Brett Favre's house bigger than mine is?" "That's not Brett Favre's house," God answered, "It's Mine."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?" He replies,"Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!" She says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John...'"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A golfer was having such a terrible day one day that he couldn't help but take it out on his caddy. "You're terrible!" he screamed. "When we get back to the clubhouse, I'm going to see that you get fired!" "That's okay by me," the caddy replied calmly. "By the time we get back to the clubhouse, I'll be old enough to get a regular job!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money. Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods. The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times. The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore. The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits. The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth. The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him. About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happended. The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more fucking rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
"I have read your essay about your house," scowled the professor, "and it's exact the same as your brother's from last year." "Of course," says the student, "It's the same house."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its. Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?" She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I'm in your Econ I class, and I don't know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What do you call a fratboy in a suit? The defendant.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
How do you get a Harvard graduate off your porch? Just pay him for the pizza.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices: *My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. *Please excuse Anne for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. *Dear school: Please ekscuse Joe being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 39, 31, 32, and 33. *Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. *Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. *My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. *Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
"Joe," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A blonde is driving home one evening and decides to try something new, so she pulls into the video store to rent a porno. She chooses the title she likes best and drives home, then puts on something comfortable and inserts the video into her VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the tape, so she calls the store and explains what happened. The clerk asks her the name of the tape, and she says, "Head Cleaner."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
This penguin goes to get his car fixed, and the mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour. So the penguin goes to get some ice cream, and since the penguin has no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. Then the penguin goes back to the mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it looks like he's blown a seal. The penguin says, "No, I promise it's just ice cream."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
The teacher decided she would write a history question on the blackboard every Thursday afternoon, and whoever answered it correctly could take Friday off from school. On the first Thursday she wrote, "Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'" No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese boy said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" the teacher said. "You can take off tomorrow, and we'll see you Monday." The next week she wrote on the board, "Who said, 'Fourscore and seven years ago?'" No one seemed to know, until a little Japanese girl said, "Abraham Lincoln, 1865." "Very good!" the teacher said. "Now you can take off tomorrow, and we'll see you Monday." Well, the next Thursday, as she was getting ready to write this week's question on the board she said, "Now the last two weeks our history questions have been answered by children who were not even born in this country. You other children should be ashamed of yourselves. Now I want one of you to answer this week's question." But just as she turned to begin writing, Little Johnny hollered out from the back, "Screw the Japs!" The teacher turned around and demanded, "Who said that?" Little Johnny jumped up and said, "Harry Truman, 1945. See ya Monday!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
This one man comes to America from a foreign country. He is at a baseball game for the first time. While he is sitting in the stands, he sees a man hit a ball and then run. He notices everyone get up and start to scream "run." So the next time someone hits the ball he stands up and says "run ya bastard run." Now that he got the hang of it he did this every time the ball was hit. A few minutes later he sees a guy lay down the bat and walk towards first base, so he gets up and says "run ya bastard run." Every one started to laugh. He sat down in embarrassment and a man kindly leaned over his shoulder and said "he doesn't have to run." The man replied "why not?" He said "because he's got four balls." So the foreign man stood up and said . . ."walk with pride my boy!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
THE PITCH
There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year.
They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob''s voice from beyond.
"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed, "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You''re pitching tomorrow night."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Top NFL complaints
Top NFL Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Why the bad plays?
A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
You really do stink
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
A black male executive took some time off to play golf.
On a business trip to Indonesia, a black male executive took some time off to play golf.
He was playing particularly well when he noticed a group of locals watching him. They were obviously excited and were shouting, "Tiger Woods!"
Taking this as a compliment to his golfing skills, he grinned and made an ostentatious bow in their direction.
It was at this point that the tiger came out of the woods and ate him
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Write for mail order
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll
send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
We go bear hunting
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Fishermen killed
Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy
would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the
sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before
the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the
fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and
Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Business and fishing
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying
the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and
decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked
the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again!
You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Did you see that?
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Valid identification
DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.
When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.
"I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane."
"Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied Jim, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
During the Mexican/American war...
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front.
For days and days neither side made any advances.
Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!"
.....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?"
The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out.
He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"
The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Tribute to the Marines
A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What part of their latest claim
Two indecisive miners were arguing over who should get what part of their latest claim.
"Do you want the gold or the silver?" the first miner finally asked.
Shrugging his shoulders, his partner replied, "Either ore."
During the Mexican/American war...
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front.
For days and days neither side made any advances.
Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!"
.....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?"
The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out.
He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"
The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!"
Tribute to the Marines
A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.
As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then?
The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Ida confided to her close friend
Ida confided to her close friend, "My cooking left my husband cold."
"He divorced you?"
"No," she replied, "he died."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
The pharmacist proudly showed
The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Thompson his newest product. "It's an apple that tastes like pussy."
Curious, Mr. Thompson took a bite; he spat violently. "Pussy? This thing tastes like shit!"
The pharmacist flushed and turned it around. "Sorry," he said, "you bit the wrong side."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Doctor, said Mrs. GreU
Then there was the efficiency expert
Then there was the efficiency expert who put Visine in his grapefruit. . . .
You should learn to be more polite
Q: Why do watermelons contains
Q: Why do watermelons contains so much water?
A: They're planted in the spring.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it
took us a while to find a new pilot."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.
"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot confirmed that they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Y2K turns cars into carriages.
PORTLAND, Maine - State government got its first Y2K surprise months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks received titles identifying their new vehicles as
"horseless carriages".
Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of state's office got confused over the 2000 model year
designation.
As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles to "horseless carriages" instead of cars or trucks in April. The case demonstrates the problems that can
occur when computers misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in the secretary of state's office.
Since the computer thought the model year was 1900, the titles were printed with the "horseless carriage" designation used for vintage vehicles produced before 1916, said
Secretary of State Dan Gwadosky, whose office oversees licensing and registration of vehicles.
About 800 passenger car titles and about 1,200 tractor-trailer titles were issued with the error, Gwadosky said.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
True Newspaper Headlines...OY!
True story from todays news - worker dead at desk for 5 days!
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if
he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other
workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position
all that time and didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the moral of the story: "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
White House news release!
Y2K turns cars into carriages
Sometimes true life is more humorous than the jokes that are passed around and around. The following is an excerpt from an Associated Press article by David Sharp, that
appeared in The Ithaca Journal yesterday, October 16, 1999.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
White House news release!
Wierd News...>
I ran across this one in one of the local tabloids yesterday:
"A 56 year old gentleman was arrested near White River Junction, VT in April after trying to break through a police "rolling roadblock" on I-89. Shaw, who was charged with
DUI and other offenses, sa, "I saw it so many times in the movies I had to try it."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Vacation Time
WGASA
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field
enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how
the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild
Animal Park?"
One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom.
The planners loved it and the rest is history.
What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who
Gives A Shit Anyhow?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
You should learn to be more polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
You can now eat your own plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other
edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Purchasing mailing lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move,
the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up
and now keeps it clients' names to itself.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Purchasing a turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant
agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To
reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant
agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in
agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C
heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Thin People Don't
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living
for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference
between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Ten travel rules
Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What do you think
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What do you think
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
What do you think
A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Surprising results
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
I am feeling fine…
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Keep your mouth shut..
What not to say to the nice policeman...
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
As they were walking down
As they were walking down the street, the young woman said to her lover, "Why won't you buy me a fur coat? I'm so cold."
Her boyfriend sniffed, "If you knew the answer, why'd you bother asking?"
And if I didn't wear a halter
"And if I didn't wear a halter top and tight jeans," asked the girl, "would you still find me appealing?"
"Let's find out," the man replied gamely.
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Dating the first southern girl
Dating the first southern girl he'd ever known, the Yankee was surprised when she greeted him at the door in the lowest-cut gown he'd ever seen.
"Th-that's a lovely dress," he stuttered, his eyes on her ample bosom. "Sho' nough," she replied. To which he answered, "I'll say"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Dating the first southern girl
Dating the first southern girl he'd ever known, the Yankee was surprised when she greeted him at the door in the lowest-cut gown he'd ever seen.
"Th-that's a lovely dress," he stuttered, his eyes on her ample bosom. "Sho' nough," she replied. To which he answered, "I'll say"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Dating the first southern girl
Dating the first southern girl he'd ever known, the Yankee was surprised when she greeted him at the door in the lowest-cut gown he'd ever seen.
"Th-that's a lovely dress," he stuttered, his eyes on her ample bosom. "Sho' nough," she replied. To which he answered, "I'll say"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
As the bus pulled up
Then there was the furrier who
Then there was the furrier who, for a very special client, crossed a mink with a gorilla to produce a unique garment. The fur was spectacular, but, alas, the sleeves were too long.
The rather liberal young lady
The rather liberal young lady came home from the store and showed her husband the new dress she'd bought, which was made of plastic and totally transparent.
"But honey," the young man gasped, "people will see right through it"
"No they wont, dummy," she replied. "Ill be inside of it "
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Sitting at the bar and admiring
Sitting at the bar and admiring the young girl tucked into her skin-tight jeans, the single gentleman asked, "You've got to tell me, miss, how anyone gets into those pants."
"Well," she smiled, "he starts by buying me a drink."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
devoted my whole life
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver
who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don''t get it. I devoted my whole
life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention
when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy''s taxi, they not only
stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Me sir, speeding never!
A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when
a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!
The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car
and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed
limit?"
The driver replied, "Was I officer, I''m terribly sorry but I wasn''t aware of
that."
The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"
The man replied, "I don''t have one officer."
"Of course you do," said the policeman.
"No sir, I don''t," said the man.
"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.
"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.
"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.
"Yes I''m afraid so sir,"
Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find
out who it belongs to."
The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh,
and my gun."
"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man
was obviously a lunatic.
"So you don''t have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in
the glove compartment!"
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license,
you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in
the trunk?"
"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.
"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don''t touch anything! Don’t
move, don’t even breathe."
So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the
chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"
He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.
"I''ve got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he
is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove
compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.
"I’ll be right there," said the chief.
In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of
police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the
driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?"
"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.
Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"
"Yes," said the man.
"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.
The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.
"Please don''t open it sir!" said the chief.
"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."
"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."
"Don''t be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart
from some candy.
"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is
your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."
"Yes," said the man,
"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.
"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"
"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers
licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in
the trunk."
"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Then there's the chef who cooks carrots
Then there's the chef who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.
He was shut down by the health department.
The waiter at the diner came over
The waiter at the diner came over and ask« his customer, "And how did you find the steak?|
"Easy," snarled the patron. "I shoved a spoon| ful of potatoes to the side, and there it was!"
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
The inexperienced waiter came over
The inexperienced waiter came over, and Mr. James said, "I want chicken smothered in gravy.™]
"I'm sorry," the waiter replied, "but if you want it slaughtered in so unmerciful a manner, you'll have to do it yourself."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Milton Rice took his business associates to an expensive French restaurant
Milton Rice took his business associates to an expensive French restaurant. Rather than admit he couldn't read a word of the menu, he went ahead and ordered for his guests. Although the waiter's brows arched when Mr. Rice ordered his own meal, he brought the man what hef asked for: a whole pig smothered in pineapple sauce. When the tray was wheeled over, Mr. Rice was shocked, but he didn't miss a beat. Reaching into the pig's mouth, he withdrew the apple.
"It's expensive," he said to his associates, "but you know—this is the only way I like apples."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
When NASA opened the first restaurant on the moon
When NASA opened the first restaurant on the moon, one visitor complained to another, "Y'know, this place has great fooH and terrific service, but there's one thing wrong with it."
"What's that?"
The visitor replied, "No atmosphere."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Dining at Pattie's Pie Parlor
Dining at Pattie's Pie Parlor, Mr. DeMille called Pattie over.
"Listen," he said, "this peach torte is terrible." "But sir," Pattie answered back, "it's our specialty! We've been serving this torte for years.|| "In that case," Mr. DeMille replied, "let n have something you cooked more recently."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
Then there was the diner who collared the waiter
Then there was the diner who collared the waiter and complained that his meal wasn't fit for a pig.
"I'm so sorry," replied the waiter, 'Til go back and bring you one that is."
Waiter! shouted the furious diner
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a bloody twig in my soup!"
"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
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| Author: `F~O~R~T~U~N~E` 25 Apr 2008 | Member Level: Diamond Points : 2 |
The saleswoman sat down at the counter in thee
The saleswoman sat down at the counter in thee run-down diner. It wasn't the land of place she'd have visited on her own, but she was on the road, and it was the only place open.
"Ill have the chicken noodle soup," she said, looking at the menu. After all, she reasoned, the soup would have to have been boiled.
The man behind the counter said, "Sorry, hon, we ain't got that today."
"What do you have?" she asked.
"Chicken pea," he replied.
Growing pale, the woman said, "111 just have coffee, thanks."
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| Author: Raghav 01 May 2008 | Member Level: Gold Points : 2 |
Hi Fortune,
very good jokes you have put. really they make us laugh like anything.
thank you
raghav
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