IntroductionAll married and unmarried couples who have known each other since a long period of time will disagree on number of issues. Nobody wants disagreements to turn into conflicts and conflicts to create hostility which can ruin relationships. Issues will come in life out of nowhere, but couples if known how to deal with them and resolve them sensibly then fights and conflicts can be handled very fairly. Fights usually do not signal that it is the end of relationship. Conflicts can be resolved if healthy debates and discussions replace cruel arguments and fights. Most of the couples argue and fight, but there are only a few couples who did it very gracefully. The way couples communicate with each other will actually determine longevity of their relationship. Fights should be about expressing feelings of self. Fights should not be about criticizing or hurting other person. Fights can end the relationships or result in damages which are beyond repair. This is the reason that couples should know the solutions and resolve their fights as soon as possible.
Reasons on which couples fight and how to solve them
Most of the times only one person is a doer as far as household tasks are concerned. Other person may not do household chores and there are many reasons behind that. Other person may not simply enjoy doing these tasks or may not know anything about them and thus do not want to get into an unknown territory. He/she may be working for too long which may also keep them away from household chores. Other reason might be that they are totally dependent on their partner as they very well know that any way chores will be get done. This is how they become less concerned and lazy. Instead of contributing time in doing household chores, they just prefer watching television, spend time with their friends or simply carry out anything but household chores. When only one partner does the whole work then he/she needs to do double duty. Initially one may do it out of love or care, but slowly the person may get annoyed as overworking for few days is okay, but doing it for whole time will create frustration. They start expecting from their partner to contribute a little and lessen the burden, but when partner fails to do so then conflicts begin.
How to avoid ?
It is always better to equally split up household chores. It should not be considered entirely as women's responsibility. This kind of split up between responsibilities will ensure that bitterness and resentment never comes in the relationship in the form of fights. Household chores are responsibility of both the partners and thus both should participate in it equally. Some men do household chores but for majority of them, this is entirely an unknown territory. When men are assigned chores, women should not rip them apart if things are not done entirely right. It takes time to learn things and maintaining calm and lending complete support will make things easier. If women want men to actively participate in household chores then they need to have lots of patience or else it can again result in conflicts.
Couples fight a lot about financial issues. Some fight as they don't have enough money. Others fight as they have enough, but their partners spend it on certain things which they don't agree with. There are other reasons too. For example, some people do not disclose to their partners about the exact income they earn. Some people help others by giving away money they have, without telling their partners. Some people spend it on drugs, gambling etc. Sometimes fights are because one partner is earning more than the other one and thus feels that he/she has right to spend it more or invest anywhere and thus feels that there is no need to discuss anything with the other partner. This kind of behavior is taken as being cheated or deceived. Some people try to defend themselves by saying that they have the right to spend money as it was them who earned it. When in a relationship, this statement cannot be used to defend oneself, at least if they want their relationship to be alive and healthy.
How to avoid ?
Transparency and trust are essential to avoid fights and thus in money matters too, before investing, spending or else in case of giving or taking, finance should be discussed with partner. Both the partners should together work on fundamental money issues. It is better to have a heart-to-heart conversation regarding financial approach of each partner. In the beginning of the relationship itself, both the partners should have a basic conversation about finance. The way both of them approach money and think about it, may be very different. Each one needs to know exactly how their partner feels so that when money related conflict arises, they will immediately know their partner's perspective. One partner may feel that it is okay to spend on certain items or articles, but other partner may feel completely opposite and wants to save that extra cash. It is better to discuss things and come to some sort of agreement that works for both of them. Sometimes couples can even consult a financial advisor who can help them in their financial issues. Some couples maintain separate bank accounts. Both the partners take certain responsibility to pay certain bills and then are free to spend rest of the savings freely. It is best to discuss and adopt whatever works for them.
Couples very commonly fight about lack of time they spend with each other. Major part of the day is usually spent in offices. After coming home if they are not spending quality time with each other then that distance can really ruin a beautiful relationship. Spending some quality time together is very essential to keep up the spark that usually gets lost after a few years of relationship. After coming home, most of the couples simply prefer vegging out in front of computer, mobile phones or television.
How to avoid ?
Some hard and fast rules should be established regarding use of cell phones, watching television, spending time on computers, spending time with friends etc. If by any reason rules need to be broken then apologize in advance. Be with each other as much as possible. Even while watching television, watch programs together and choose the ones which interest both of them. As mentioned earlier, couples should spend quality time together. If one partner is complaining about lack of quality time spent with each other then try to spare some time for them as commitments to life partners is more valuable than any other commitments made. Do not let work to get in between relationship. If overtime work is just for short duration then there is no need to worry at all as everything will get resolved on itself. However, if it has become a habit then do not be scared to have an open conversation with partner. Find a solution which can make things better and allot more time to spend with each other.
Some couples might fight whether to have kids or not. Some will fight over whether it is the right time to have kids and some regarding the number of kids. Friction is caused in couple's relationship when they doubt or argue about parenting abilities of their partner. Couples may have diverging views about raising the kids and this will cause friction in their relationships. For example, arguing about whether kids should be given allowance or not, whether they need extra tuition's, at what time they need to go to bed etc. Sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to keep up with kids to do list, especially when partner is not shouldering some of the responsibilities. This will again result in conflict.
How to avoid ?
Rational negotiation between the partners will bring a sensible mutual result which will be in best interest of kids. Both the parents want best for their kids. The only thing that differs is their diverging views. This is the reason an open conversation will help couples to understand each other's views and come to an agreement. To keep up with kids to do list, sit down with the partner, divide the tasks which need to be done and as per schedule, prepare the new time table. Half of kid's chores should be assigned to one partner and half should be done by the other one. If one parent is dropping kid to school then other one can pick the kid. If one is helping him in swimming lessons then the other one can help him in home work and likewise. In this way, dividing responsibilities will help to raise kids without having any conflict. Scheduling time with family is as much important as scheduling time for completing rest of the chores.
ConclusionFights and conflicts are common between couples irrespective of whether they are married or unmarried. Fights can be regarding household chores, regarding kids, time spent with each other, financial issues etc. Need of the hour is that couples need to know the reasons behind such conflicts. Once they determine the root cause, next thing they need to do is resolve the issues by eliminating the cause. Once the cause is eliminated by coming to an agreement then the issues itself get resolved. Know how to solve underlying issues and make relationship healthy and secure by going through Top issues couples fight about and ways to resolve them-Part:2.
Some good points which are the reasons for fights among the couple has been explained very clearly. In any family, there will be some issues on which the ideas and understandings will vary. In such cases, if both the parties sit together on a cup of coffee and discuss in detail without any bias and come to a conclusion, there will not be any problem. But fights will come when each one of them insist that their version is correct. To avoid these fights transparency between the involved is a must. They should respect each other and see the merits and demerits of the issue. Finally, if the fights are to be avoided, one party should yield to the point of other and leave it so that they will understand after the outcome. It costs a little time but sometimes it may be acceptable to keep up our relations and togetherness.
The author is to be congratulated for her nice attempt.
A thorough analysis of things that happen in the family, it won't be a surprise if this article reminds of our previous arguments. If a couple says that this has not happened then they are too good to be true.
Glad to see that the author has mentioned family duties (chores) as the first. It's true because many time the role of a wife is stereotyped - laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, putting out the garbage, packing kids lunches etc. We have to understand that the wife who is a home-maker is equally important as the husband who goes to work to earn. Each one has to respect each other's duties and efforts must be made to share or lighten the burden whenever possible.
Whether we like it or not money is important to the couple and the family, the problems creep up on how the total earnings are allocated to family expenses, expenses of husband and wife and to the in-laws on both sides. If the expenses are disproportionate to the income and one spouse spends a lot then it's certain to end up in an arguement.
Time is of the essence in every marriage and relationship, as time goes by couples should find ways to have time for kids, time for each other and time for themselves.Again here common sense and respecting each other goes a long way.
Children in more than many ways often hold marriages steady, many times a compromise is and should be arrived at for the sake of the children.
I think like a quarterly or half term exams for children, even for couples, married life should also be reviewed by both to see what went wrong, what could have been done better and there should be no hesitancy to say sorry and acknowledge each other's mistakes and shortcomings.