IntroductionNobody is perfect and no two people are completely similar when it comes to behavior. Two individuals who are in a relationship therefore encounter many differences. With passing time, they discover more and more such differences which separate them from their partners. Differences never ruin a relationship. Issues which we create looking at each other's differences are the real culprits. They can end relationships and do damages which most of the times are irreversible. Couples should understand what these issues are which create conflicts in their relationships. Once these issues are determined, they need to find solutions to resolve these issues completely so that they can enjoy healthy relationships.
Reasons on which couples fight and how to solve them
When in a relationship, partners want each other's attention. When they do not get the much needed attention then they experience hurt and it results in conflict. At first, partners keep their feelings bottled up. When it becomes unbearable for them to conceal their hurt then they ultimately burst out. This is not going to do any good for their relationship as the other person cannot understand the reason for such sudden change in attitude. When enough attention is not given then partners start acting out in a strange way. They start making arguments and this will create more problems. Sometimes they will start flirting with others, sometimes they will start spending time somewhere else or give room to jealousy in their heart and this is all because they are in search of attention.
How to avoid
Simple solution for this problem is to start paying attention to each other. Try to take care of each other's needs. Spend as much time as possible and appreciate partner for the things they do. Do not keep feelings bottled up. Most of us conceal our dissatisfaction and then burst out only when we no longer are able to conceal them. By doing this, we are not saving our partner from getting hurt, instead we are doing very bad things to our relationship. If in the beginning itself, our partner is made to realize what is going wrong and the reason for how and what we are feeling then they will do their best to bring back that spark in that relationship.
Jealousy often results in one partner when he/she sees their partner with someone else. When they see that others are flirting with their partner and their partner too is responding positively then jealousy is but obvious. Jealousy can be seen in couples who pay more attention to others rather than paying attention to their partners. Others can be someone who they work with, in-laws, relatives, colleagues or even a stranger. Jealousy can even result when one partner is earning more than the other. Whatever may be the reason, jealousy should never be given a room in one's life.
How to avoid
There should not be a room for insecurity in a secured relationship. If insecurity lingers then there definitely is a problem and let the other partner know what is bothering inside. If the other person is informed timely and if they really care about relationship then they will stop doing what they are doing to stop violating feelings of their partner and save relationship. If partner is jealous then instead of making them more jealous or trying to be defensive, stop doing things which are making them insecure and behave accordingly the way we want them to behave. It is not right to violate each other's feelings and threaten a secure relationship.
If either one or both the partners have a controlling attitude then the relationship can never be healthy. This is because they will try to control each other and if they do not see their partners honoring their decision then this will initiate the fight. In such relationships, one partner will end up controlling their other partner. They will badger and harass their partners and want them to indulge in an activity or the behavior that they want. If the other partner becomes submissive slave then it is a victory for them and if they call out then conflict begins.
How to avoid
Controlling partner most of the times does not know that they have this kind of attitude. Need of the hour is to make them realize that their attitude is making the other person less comfortable as well as their relationship is at stake. Controlling partner on the other hand needs to change them by trying to loosen a little and become less controlling or even can take help of regular counseling. Within a few days if tried really hard, changes can be noticed in attitude and behavior of controlling partner.
Sometimes couples fight over nothing. It sounds strange, but then it is true. Both of them lock themselves in a screaming match and that is all because they are angry from inside and somewhat frustrated. They remove frustration over their partners. They do not know what the matter over which they are fighting is, but still they fight. None of the partner agrees to cave in and end the conflict. At that point of time, 'nothing' stands for 'so much more'. This is why exaggeration takes place.
How to avoid
Next time when a conflict begins, pause for a while before speaking another word and just try to understand what the real issue is, over which fight has been initiated. If there is no such issue or a very insignificant underlying issue then calm down and do not take conflict to another level. When one partner calms down, another partner does it automatically. Do not let any insignificant issue to trigger an overblown fight. Couples sometimes fight just because they have been doing this for a long period of time. Do not continue doing that as bitterness towards one another can ruin the whole relationship.
Fights often initiate when couples engage in mudslinging fights i.e., when they start delivering insults and calling names to each other or even to people or profession related to each other. This kind of insult never goes away from minds and hearts. Once words are told to each other, no matter how much love is showered later, words still get stuck in minds. Just be careful before paying such insults which can be regarding anything like insulting partner's looks, weight, height, profession, intelligence etc.
How to avoid
Never try to cross the boundary, even if anger and rage has filled in enormous amount. If suppose some words slip out then keep ego aside and immediately apologize to the partner. Any delay made is going to be fatal for relationship. Most of the times, damages done are irreversible. If immediate apology is asked then partners may try to forgive these things and appreciate apology. Arguments or discussions should be open and there should not be name calling, bad mouthing or decreasing each other's feelings etc.
Many couples fight over the situations which arrive all of a sudden. They blame each other for the prevailing circumstances or the unfavorable situations that have knocked their door. They do not understand that neither of them have any control over these things. Situations are destined and nobody can do anything over them. All one can do is understand to deal with them in a better way.
How to avoid
Stop the blame game and stop abusing each other by pointing out to each other. It does not matter who is wrong and who is right. When a situation has arrived, both the partners should come together and deal with the situation in a way that can turn unfavorable events into favorable events. There is no situation that cannot be dealt or handled efficiently if both the partners come together and handle everything with peace and harmony.
ConclusionCouples who have been with each other since a long period of time, face many issues. With time, issues keep building up. Those who play smartly and are fair will deal with the issues as soon as they arrive. They never let the issues to build up. Rest of the couples do not speak up and then all of a sudden when they no longer are capable of dealing with them anymore, face lots of troubles and burst out all of a sudden. Do not get into mudslinging fights and do not fight over situations which cannot be controlled. Instead of playing blame game, co-operate and support each other. Spend some quality time with each other and pay attention to each other's needs as well as care about each other. Do not try to control each other and do not give a room for jealousy within. These issues if tackled properly can make a relationship everlasting and healthy. To know more about such issues which create conflict and to find solutions to resolve them immediately, go through Top issues couples fight about and ways to resolve them: Part-1 and Part-2.
Yes. Being a couple, they should understand each other. If some problem has been created, they themselves should solve it. Anything can be solved if they speak to each other and understand the problem. But they should not argue with each other while speaking. For a good relationship, good behavior plays an important role. Give priority and attention to your partner. Caring for each other plays an important role to have better, long and good relationship. We know that man make mistakes, but identify the problem/ mistakes and rectify it. Don't repeat the same mistakes.
The fights and compromises between the husband and wife are there since ab initio. These things are part of life till they are within a limit like salt in the food. The real problem comes when things become unmanageable and bitterness increases day by day till a point comes when both of them agree that they should live separately. The question of distribution of children and wealth is taken care by the then existing legislature.
In many developed countries, this a common thing and divorce is assumed as the most cordial solution for getting rid from the dreadful life of the couple. In our country because of cultural and family values, many people avoid separation and try to manage through the various measures as explained by the author in her series of these articles. Many times these time-tested and graceful methods work, but there are ample instances when everything fails and divorce becomes the only happy option.
I am not advocating divorce on small matters, but there are serious situations when even psychologists advise the same solution. We must understand that the society is changing fast with modernization and individual financial and social freedom is getting the top place among their aspirations. In such situations, forcing one's ideas and thoughts on his or her partner are totally unacceptable and the only way to harmony is cordial and respectful behavior to each other on all occasions of life.
The last part of an excellent article about couples, As relationships progress or marriage moves along, initially everything is rosy, then everything leads to an argument and then the truce is agreed for the sake of children and the marriage. By the end of seven years (nowadays 3-5 years), many couples reach the breaking point wherein either they split up or resign to their fate and carry on.
Glad that the author has mentioned the issue of attention first because, it is so simple yet many couples ignore. We take our spouses for granted and unknowingly ignore them. We speak to friends and family but don't have time for the husband or wife. We shower our attention and time on our siblings, parents, nephews and nieces but yet forget to give the same attention to our spouses. This makes the partner unhappy and he or she embarks on a little mission to point this out at every available opportunity. Accepting our mistakes, taking extra efforts to spend time with them, having a quiet dinner, calling up the in-laws, inquiring about the well-being of the spouse's family, all help in getting out of this tricky situation.
It's human nature to be jealous, especially if the spouse gets more than their share of attention or gives more importance to others of the opposite sex. We have to be very careful and gently bring this a couple of notches down so that our partners don't misunderstand this. If this is not addressed early, then it leads to being possessive and suspicious, Once suspicion creeps in a marriage or relationship, then it's very difficult to overcome this.
Marriage is lots of give and take and in this process, trying to control everything leads to flare up of tempers. Trying to micromanage or control the partner's life is impossible and the relationship also becomes impossible. Given them the space, liberty to judge and freedom to do things within the acceptable limits of marriage and personal life. Often 'control' issues come with attitude and a sense that because of me the marriage or family is running.
As the marriage gets old and the partners get older some keep on fighting for trivial things as it becomes a habit, as rightly mentioned by the author, if one partner does not respond at the beginning of such small fights, then it automatically fizzles off.
Although it sounds cheap, sometimes partners speak ill of their spouses in the presence of close friends, elders and young members.This adds further insult to the already suffering partner and makes harmony difficult to achieve.
Often when things go wrong, we always try to find fault with the spouse; missing tickets, missing an appointment, arriving late for a function important to us etc, we make it a point to say that all this happened because of the careless approach of the spouse. If an electrical appliance gives up, a minor vehicle accident etc, instead of supporting the spouse, we take out our anger. It's always better to avoid using the opening line 'I told you so but you never listen'.
The marriage made for each other often has phases of the relationship being on the rocks. As long as we understand each other as friends and accept that anyone can have a bad day and difficult times and allow the heat of the moment to pass by, things will be manageable.
In difficult relationships there comes a point when both accept that life becomes more of a harassment and marriage itself is slowly losing its life. Before we reach this point, it's often prudent to have the support of our elders, marriage counsellors and psychologists etc.
Every marriage on the rocks need not and should not go to the point of divorce. Only if both partners are getting suffocated in a relationship that's long gone, then they can part as friends and stay apart.