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jokes
Posted Date: 19 Jan 2008 Resource Type: Articles/Knowledge Sharing Category: Entertainments
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Posted By: jalaj Member Level: Diamond
Rating:  Points: 5
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Vacation
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
***
Cop Lines
- "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
- "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
- "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
- "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
- "Just how big were those two beers?"
- "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
- "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
- "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
***
Did You Hear?
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
***
For The Kids...
What happens when geese land in a volcano?
They cook their own gooses!
What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
Streaky bacon!
What is a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis!
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment!
***
+ General Joke
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule
to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle
of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.
Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool
you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his
last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10 gauge shotgun and pulled
both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then
everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old
prospector aiming both barrels right at him.
The old man asked him, "Did you ever kiss a mule's a&&?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No Sir, but I've always wanted
to!"
***
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