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  • Category: Parenting

    Can't matchup to my mom's expectation need advice

    How to change my mother's uncalled attitude towards me? Why is the current status of a girl child in a family is so poor?

    Hi, I am bit upset with my mother's behavior towards me for past years I am the only child and we are a middle class family in my house my dad and my self we both work but in spite of our job we still find it difficult to run the house hold as all the bill payments monthly ration and all nearly most of the salary goes off, actually I want to keep my dad at home in fact its my dream since I was studying that I will go to work and I will look after my parents enough of the hard work my father has done all this years but the actual picture was something else when I started working therefore my dad is still doing work and I really feel bad for that but my mom she is completely a different personality who keeps on eating my brains so fed up, she is like "how horrible you cook, how late you come from work only you work or what, look at others how early come,you don't do this you don't do that properly, what family you will make you are useless" and many more abusive words every single evening or if I am at home if I sit for a while she will come up with some or the other work for me and top of that taunt me saying what work you do you just go to office and do nothing, I do go to work and I work there nobody will pay me for free and my problem is I don't keep much interest in house work but this does not mean that I don't do house work I do but one problem is there and that is cooking I am a very bad cook I don't have that patience but still I try and I cook but its not that good my mom is a good cook she cooks very well but I can't cook like her or up to her expectation and for this I have listen lots of taunting bad words etc I am fed up of all this even my dad came to know that I actually can't cook even if I try but she does not understand, I don't remember a day where she thought me to proper something or told me any work very calmly always by loud voice or by firing bad words as mother I feel like telling her whats in my mind but I don't do as she listens like a mother at that moment but any other time if she is shouting or taunting at me she will bring up that topic again and taunt at me and therefore I don't tell her and I don't even eat what she prepares I know its not good to remove anger on food but what to do while eating also she keeps on taunting saying that I come and eat than I don't feel like eating in fact better that I don't. I know I am bad at cooking and at house work but it is not that I don't try but what to do if the results are not up to her expectation it hurts me a lot because she is my mom now I very often think am I really that bad or is it girls are really judged on how much of house work or cooking she knows and those who don't know are bad they can't make family or be good wife's or mother's is this the way a girl or a female is judged?
  • Answers

    4 Answers found.
  • Learn to accept the people the way they are and stop expecting from them. It is a mantra which will keep you always happy. It is an art which will not only solve all your problems but will also enlighten your spirit. What we usually do is opposite of this mantra. We try to change everything around us including people as per our convenience and do not accept the way they are.

    In your case, you want to become a responsible daughter by taking care of your parents but things are not turning out the way you want them to be. This is perfectly okay because you are trying your best. Since this is just an initial phase and that may be the reason that you are not earning sufficiently. Keep trying, with time your salary will increase and you will be able to take care of your family in a better way. Your financial status too will improve with time.

    Accept your mother the way she is. She throws tantrums on you and often complain that you are not good in performing household chores and she does this cause she thinks good for you. She wants you to improve and excel in cooking and other household works. Always remember that the person who is in pain will only react in this way. Person who is not facing any internal or external disturbance will always be happy and remain calm. Instead of complaining about her behavior you need to learn to calmly deal with it. Your mother she may not express but is definitely going through something and this has given rise to anger in her with lots of irritation and frustration which she expels out on you on daily basis.

    You need to accept your mother and develop compassion towards her. Next time when she verbally abuses you or scolds you, all you have to do is remain calm not only externally but also internally. It means that you should not react from outside and also remain calm on inside which means that you will not be creating even a single negative thought against your mother. All you will think is that your mother wants you to excel in work and you will learn what she wants or at least try to do so. This is a technique or an art which will always keep you calm. This is a sort of programming you will be creating inside your brain which will help you to deal with difficult people as well as develop compassion towards them.

    Cooking is another art which does not come to everyone. It is not necessary that everyone can cook perfectly. With time and interest one puts in, this art improves. If you want to cook well then you have to put your heart in it. You need to develop interest in not only cooking but any work which you want to excel. Don't cook or do any household work just because your mother wants you to do. If you do not want to do it or else if you are not interested then you need to tell her that you will not be doing them. But if you are doing them then show complete interest and within no time you will be able to cook better than your mother does. Also, remain at peace. Internal disturbance inside you because your mother is scolding you or abusing you will affect your work greatly and this might be the reason that you are not able to cook food well.

    Always remember that you will not be able to change others. All you can do is that you can change yourself. When you change, world changes. You cannot expect your mother to behave properly with you and teach you everything she wants from you very calmly without abusing. Instead of expecting from her and going through a disturbing phase which you are certainly going through, you should rather maintain calm. Calmness in you will reflect in your surroundings and within no time your mother too will change her behavior towards you. When you stop sending negative vibrations towards her, she too will stop creating such negativity and mother daughter relationship will flourish again. Thus, it is better that you stop behaving so amateurish and start eating the food prepared by her.

    Since right from ancient times, women were the house makers and this thing is continued even till today. Men would go out and earn for their family and women would take care of the house and children. This scenario has changed a little. Women too are going out and earning but when it comes to doing house hold works or cooking mainly then again women are levied with that responsibility. Our society still expects from a girl to know everything when it comes to managing a house and this is a deep rooted belief which is changing but not at a very rapid pace. Your mother too believes same and thus she wants you to learn everything so that you do not face any problem in your marriage life.

    Communication is a key to all sorts of problems. Once you learn the method of keeping yourself at peace, start communicating with your mother. Discuss with her that what all words of hers hurt you. If you want a good mother daughter relationship then you should work on it rather than complaining about it. Next time you cook something, ask her every little step involved in it. Once you finish cooking ask her what all went wrong in your cooking and next time do not repeat such mistakes. Instead of taking her criticism negatively, you can take it as a motivation to master the art. Similarly, in other house hold chores too you will start excelling.

  • Each one of us have different perceptions and reactions to the same issue or problem. Accepting and admitting that helps us to find solutions or cope up with the many issues we come to face daily.

    In your case yourself and your mother has different perceptions and reactions to the same matter- cooking.

    Let us try to see it from your mother's side:
    It is natural for mothers to feel insecure and more concerned and even worried about their daughters when they are grown and reaching the marriageable age. Though we talk about equality and sharing household works, even now cooking is taken care of by the women of the house. It is a deep-rooted belief that if a woman knows to cook well, she is liked by the family members. It is the easiest way for a new bride to win the new family members support. As you are now in the marriageable age and stage, your mother wants you to be easily accepted at your new family after marriage and earn a good name there. She is also worried that in case you do not cook at least reasonably in general, they may blame your mother of not teaching you the normal requirements. Generally mothers will have concern on these matters.
    When she utters something which you feel as abusing, it is not her intention to degrade you and torment you, but it is the only way she knows to put pressure on you to improve.

    You perception:
    You take it as personally offending and abusing. You feel she is deliberately taunting you.You feel that cooking is not that much priority.

    Possible solutions:
    First be patient. Do not react by word or deed to your mother. After all her world is smaller than your world, as you are now employed and meet and interact with more people. Assure her that you want to learn cooking and want to improve. Make a plan or time table. Keep a book and pen and take tips on cooking from her. Take down some recipes from her. On holidays take up the cooking yourself and ask mother's help when you are in doubt about ingredients, ratio of the items needed etc. Then ask your mother how I is and ask how it can be improved. Make the improvements next time.

    You need not become a big chef, but at least you try to do the normal minimal essential cooking done at home daily staring from coffee/tea-making, snacks and average meals and dishes. Just be familiar about what is cooked on some very common festival occasions. Rest can be learned from your mother-in-law or by yourselves. Even now you can learn recipes and tips in cooking from internet.
    Leave aside your present perception and reaction, and try to turn a new leaf from tomorrow. Everything will be smooth and alright. Tell and feel yourself that you enjoy cooking. You may take it as your positive time pass also.

  • Need not get upset from your mother's behavior. I think your mother is having internal problem. Your father and you have to take care of your mother. Spend some more time with your mother. I have seen in my neighborhood when grown up children goes to school and college Husband/ Father is on duty. Lady is alone at home for 10 hrs. In this situation when children and their father come to home. The lady instead of talking lovingly, behaves abnormally.
    So, it is my sincere advice to you take care of your mother. Involve her in all your activities. Your mother is having some predetermined expectation from you and your are not meeting her expectation. It is also true that all the children can meet the expectation of their parents. So, need not get nervous. Stay calm and fit to meet the challenges coming in your way. Slowly you will find that your mother's behavior is changing in your favor. You involve your father also. It is quite difficult for you alone to change your mother the right way. If possible meet a psychologist, who is a certified trainer.

  • Your mother's outbursts are mostly likely linked to psychological problems. I am no expert, but the lady seems to be depressed and/or going through a lot of mental trauma. Your mother perhaps finds herself in a grim situation. She has a lot of pent up emotions and worries bottled inside her, which she is clearly unable to talk about. Your combined lives, as a family, appear to be the sour point.

    By your own admission, your salary is not enough to make ends meet. Your dad still has to work. You are an only child – a girl child, who will probably marry and leave home. All these thoughts must be playing on her mind. Remember, she is at home the entire day, and loneliness must set in, leading to negative thoughts. She is also getting old, which must leave her scared about what the future holds.

    She does not share her fears, instead holds them back, but she is not very clever in doing so, because all of it manifests into her offensive behavior towards you.

    What your mom needs is assurance. What you can do is:

    1. Take time to talk with her – general things. Ask her how her day was. Steer the conversation to things she likes to do. Talk about your childhood – discuss pleasant memories. The idea is to involve her and make her feel important.
    2. Ask her to guide you – let her show you how a dish is done. Tell her you need to learn from her, because she is the best cook. Tell her you'll try to get it right, just the way she does, but she'll remain the better cook.
    3. Praise her – show that you like her efforts, even if they are missing. Tell her you love the way she cooks or keeps the house clean or whatever else she does.
    4. Plan things together – a visit to the temple or a movie on television. Just stand in the balcony with her. Do things together as a family, to bond together.
    5. Ask her for opinions – what should you cook or which dress she thinks you should wear to work. It will take time for her to open up, so don't give up. Which dress do you think looks better ma? How do you get your curries to taste so good? Simple questions.
    6. Share what you do at work with her – let her know that you work hard. Tell her stuff that happens at work. All the back-biting and the fun things and the gossip. Ask for advice to deal with difficult situations.
    7. Hug her – difficult as it may seem, try hugging her. Lie in bed, with her and cuddle up to her. Sometimes a hug is all that is needed to set things right.
    8. Smile – look at her when talking and smile, even when she is being nasty. Do not show your irritation.
    9. Say hello and bye – say bye when you are leaving home – get back and speak to her, instead of avoiding her, because of her abominable behavior.
    10. Show that you care – tell her to have lunch on time. Call her from work to find out how she is. Call to tell her if you'll be late.

    We get so caught up in our lives that we often forget to do the simple things that keep relationships ticking. You have a life outside of home, but she lives alone, surrounded by her fears. A person filled with negativity is often a lonely person. Their rude behavior is often a cry for attention. Change the way you are around your mother and you will see her change. I feel she is lonely and has many fears. What she needs is assurance.

    Smiles, hugs, kisses, a cuddle, a little gift, a good gesture, a loving touch, a phone call, a word of praise, a thank you etcetera go a long way in healing soured relations.

    It won't be easy, take it one step at a time. Involve her, instead of isolating her. She'll unknowingly make it difficult for you to go through the above plan, but be persistent. Good luck!

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak." -Michael Garrett Marino

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