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  • Category: Marriage

    Solution for being in trouble with my aggressive wife

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    I am 29 years old and I got married last year April 2016. Just after 2 months of marriage my wife started giving trouble to us. She behaves like a girls of 6/7 class student so immature. She was so pampered as she was the youngest girl in three daughters at her home.. She also has one younger brother. Her maternal family seems like as if every female should dominate husbands. She is also behaving in the same way.
    I have seen her sisters also talking in a rude manner to their husbands one got married 6 years back and one got married 1 year back.

    She always blames me that you are a mom's boy. Your mom always misguides you against me. When she fought for the very first time then she told me that if you want you can take divorce(just after 2 months of marriage). When I told this to her parents also she got scared. She always has a different face in front of different people. If a small fight happens between us,she always calls her father to take her home back and I do not want to stay with this guy. Very next day her father comes up to take her.

    For very first time she went when all festivals come in August to November. Her friend and one of her sister always misguides her. My wife had done MBA(HR) and after that when her father does not allow her to work she did B.Ed. She studied just for sake of degrees. She does not show any sign of a modern era student neither in thinking nor in personality. She is very much orthodox in nature. She believes in all kind of old lady types superstitions. She always hide things because she feels najar lagjayegi.
    I have never ever seen any of the MBA students like this. I helped her to search job in Gurgaon after marriage. She was not even aware of how to make resume. She was always got rejected because of lack of communication skills and personality.

    She is pregnant now and running in her 8th month. Earlier she did not want a child. She thinks that she will not be able to use her freedom after this. All day she use games app and whats app. Hence I have decided that she become pregnant and divert her mind. But she is thinking it as a burden in her stomach because she loves only her self a lot.
    She behaved properly in 4th and fifth month(she was at my home town with my mom and daddy) and later in her sixth month she was with me. When she realised that she has to go back again she started fighting with me. This time I drop her home she started indirect torture to my twin sisters. When she crossed her limits I spoke to her but she was like that I did nothing they you guys always blame me.
    At time of marriage she was not aware of any house hold work because her life was always with mobiles and college.

    Again she called her parents and the doctor asked her not to travel. Without any respect again she went back home for 2 days. Then my father told that it is not good if she will go like this again and again. Since she returned her health complications started due to travel. I was trying to move a head then even her parents asked her to keep calm and go ahead. She is not ready and daily she speak the same things in a bad way to me. She thinks that i want to take revenge and that she is binded by cultural facts. On call she always speak in bad language and records mine and my parents calls.

    She is very aggressive, does kiddish things and always turn fingers towards you with many blames. Since \marriage I felt that she has short term memory loss. She always forgets things. She is not good in the house hold work and neither in jobs, nor in relationships. All she wants is to do her do things in her way.
    Many times she told me why dont you take divorce if I am not your type. I tried my best to let her explore metro city, how we live how we behave but she is not ready to come out of her shell.I always discuss my problems with my parents when they are out of control. She says you tell out things to parents. I even tried not to tell them.

    Now a days I am thinking of suicide. I searched ways on net for suicide but then because of my up coming baby I stop my self always. As this is my wish to have baby. She chats with every one on whats app and FB( net and mobile is most important to her more then a food)as she is on bed rest. She does not message anything to me and she says that when you will understand me I will message you. She never entered out of her house and she never faced people in society before. I am out from my home since 13 years and I have faced lots of things without parents.

    I always wanted a working professional wife irrespective of her salary, but my father did not listen to me. He thought that if I marry a girl of small town, simple house and family below to us she will take care of everyone, will understand and respect everyone. But reality is not this. Working lady knows very well how to adjust and compromise on things.My parents are dealing with new new diseases day by day after my marriage. Even I have started falling sick on monthly basis. To sleep I started taking citrazen tabs( I have not told this to any one).

    She tried many times to run away from house when she was with me in Gurgaon. I stopped her many times. She shouts in a very high voice every time, and even my landlord points to her many times.

    I really need a help. I asked her to meet a physiologist doctor and we both will have counseling. She denied it.
    Before my marriage I never had a fight with any one.

    What to do now? She is very much immature and some times I feel as if I have married a teen age girl. since she asks for toffees and other child stuffs when we go for grocery stores. She tries to implement everything she watches in daily soap serials. She can not even speak a line in English. That is not an issue but on above of it such a high ego.
    Can you help me?
  • Answers

    13 Answers found.
  • I read your entire post and what I gather from your post is that you and your wife are poles apart. I really wonder how you two got married. Yes, you are right. An educated wife understands or compromises much better than non educated one. Same thing applies for husbands.
    But in your case, you are educated. You say that you have dealt and interacted with many people and situations in life. Then how come you didn't think twice before you married her. You should have known that she is not meant for you before you married her. You must have had a brief courtship period before you married her. That period was enough to understand her qualities, good or bad. Let me tell you what I feel as to why she is behaving this way.
    1. Reluctance in marriage-Maybe she doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. Maybe just like you she was forced into this marriage.
    2. Relation with someone else-Maybe she wanted to marry someone else. That is why she always speaks about getting a divorce from you. This is totally wrong. She should have spoken to you about this before marriage and you could have stopped this marriage from happening. Confront her about this possibility.
    3. Marriage for benefits-Maybe she planned this. First she wanted to marry an innocent guy, then she wanted to emotionally torture him to divorce her. This would give her a lot of alimony. But you have a counter solution for this
    4. She is genuinely pampered and spoiled child-In this case you can do nothing about it. Either you put up with it, if you really love her very much, or you leave her for good.

    Now let me come to the probable solutions to your problem:
    1. Suicide is for COWARDS-I am sure you are not a coward. If you were then why did you put up with her such radical and impulsive behavior for so long? Always remember suicide is for cowards. When you are born, in this planet you must continue your duties without any hesitation.
    2. Hire a really good divorce lawyer-I don't say this to many people, but in your case it is a helpless situation. You need a good and expensive divorce lawyer who can file your case properly. This is a win win case for you. If your wife is married to you for benefits, then she is liable to no or minimal alimony.
    3. Reveal everything to your and her parents-You must confront the girl before contacting her parents. Then call her and your parents to your house to discuss the situation. If the girl's parents are not involved in her rash decisions and demeaning behavior, they will come to your rescue. But if her parents are also after your money, then you will have to file a lawsuit against them too.
    4. Report this situation to your close friends and relatives-They are the people close to you and they will help you counsel your wife better than any psychologist. Besides you need more people to empathize your situation and rescue you out of it.

    I think you will feel much better after going through my response.

    Live life Kingsize!

  • Your post is read by me. I feel the situation has gone beyond control. One thing I wonder when she is so reluctant why you have gone to the extent of having children. Now it is a matter of not two but three. You are telling that she is not interested in having children. Don't you think that the agony you are having will be extended to third person also. When she was reluctant to have a child you made her to agree for having a child?. Is it not an indication that she may be good once she will have a child. Already you are telling that it is her 8th month. Matter of 2 months more. I feel once she becomes a mother her attitude will get changed. It is the greatness of motherhood. She may don't want to leave the child and she may agree to be with you and may accept you. So my sincere advise is wait for 2 months and see. If there is no change after that also the last resort is divorce.
    You are very well educated and doing a good job. Don't think like a coward. Be brave. For all the problems there will be a solution. Only matter of time. Don't think like a coward and don't do any silly mistakes. This life is a gift of God. You can't terminate it as you like. Live full life. I advise you to read good books whenever you are feeling lonely or have some time. Try to spend time with friends. Just believe yourself. Your problems will get sorted out.

    Take a decision of divorce only after seeing your wife's attitude after becoming a mother,

    always confident

  • TThis response is marked as DELETED by the admin.

    Marrying for financial benefits is pretty much common case these days. So you won't be spared by the lawyers from both sides. In reality lawyers of both sides come up with one specific number through which this is settled. They come up with this number after negotiating properly with the wifes party. So they try to assess your financial situation through the wife and your attitude and making you answer some personal question. So alimony is inescapable. In 1 in 10,000 cases you may find the alimony being skipped.

    What you can do is - bring as many legal points from your side if possible. If she has any affair with other person outside marriage, collect the proof and keep it till the divorce case is filed and present the proof after consulting with lawyer.

    People here in this forum don't have idea of modern divorce cases. But let me tell you how things are worse in your case.

    1. If she puts on 498A, you will be in jail including your family members.
    2. If she puts on harassment case of any sort, any random member in your family including you be in jail.
    3. If she puts on financial settlement case, approves by court, you'd have to listen to that.
    4. If she puts on divorce case with financial support, you are destroyed too.

    So in any case, no matter what, case don't stand in your favor. I can totally sympathize with you on your mental condition. Womans verbal opinion is taken for granted. So even in case of paternity DNA test these days men are standing in court queue for months.

    Don't expect this case to be in your favor unless you have a good lawyer. And don't trust the lawyer either. Both your lawyer and wifes lawyer will be drinking tea once your case is over. For them you two are just part of their daily work. So keep some things such as your earning and property as confidential as possible and don't reveal all the stuff.

    I can recommend you to contact "Save Indian Family" and "Confidare" organization. As they can guide you on how to proceed further. Don't think of suicide though. That's not an option. People in this answer section are not even aware of what you're going through and saying it's "Cowardice" to suicide. But they are not the one going through in potential 498A and cases which could damage your career and life. I won't be judging those who are committing suicides due to indian woman's alimony court cases, that's too common these days.

    But hold your ground. Have some patience. If court is going against you, just keep the dates moving. Don't settle the case just ask for next dates. Sometimes that trick works in your favor. Take decades to even settle the divorce. That's one way to frustrate the opponent.

    For the rest I can say god bless you and hope your lawyer turns card in your favor.

  • Your story is an unfortunate case of two different people married to each other.

    As you have tried all sort of methods to make her understand but she is not coming in the groove so the only thing in such cases is divorce and that will free you from all the stress and mental tension.

    She must understand that marriage is like a friendship for lifelong commitment and it is only successful when there is respect and sacrifice for each other. If she is indifferent to any type of compromise and adhering to quarrelling in all situations you must get out of this to save your life from continuous agony.

    We have not heard the story from her angle but the way you have shown your misery, I can not think of anything other than divorce at this juncture.

    Knowledge is power.

  • As a married man having a few decades experience I can say "don't worry, many couple experience some such things and it is very common and will be soon over". But you may not be satisfied.
    So please read patiently my long answer with explanations and suggestion. I sincerely trust your problems will be over if you apply he suggestions truly and sincerely.

    For any problem there will be a proper solution. In your case also definitely there will be a good solution and you will be having your happy days soon. Then you will laugh yourself how silly you were to magnify the problems and cause yourselves sleepless nights.
    So please be patient and calm. Do not take self medication for sleeping or other issues. Do not over worry. A calm and composed mind itself can work wonders. Take a few days leave and take your wife with you and visit temples, gardens and places where you both will feel happy and relaxed. Be open, frank and free and magnanimous in your mutual affection and care. Immediate change may be seen.

    Many times we don't get the apt solution because we don't know what the real problem is.
    My inference after reading the above question more than once is:
    It is just a mismatch of each one's expectations and gap in communication. A very common problem with many couple. Usually it will be there in the early days. But if it is not allowed to grow by 'adding fuel to fire', it will soon get solved by the mutual love, affection and care.

    You are both young. This is not the time to waste your precious youth by having misunderstanding and damaging i by provocative talking and trying to prove who is one-up.
    I see the crux of the problem in the following lines you have given in the question explanation.
    "Basically she never has been out of her house and as such faced people in society before, whereas I have done so from 13 years and faced lots of things without my parents....."...
    I always wanted a working professional wife irrespective of her job or salary, but my father did not listen to me.".
    "She cannot even speak a line in English –"

    So straight and clear, isn't it? Your dreams and expectations did not match with the reality.
    Allow that she also had dreams and probably he dreams also did nt happen and reality is different.

    So what to do?
    Accept what you have got as God's gift to you as God has something better for you than your best dreams. So come down to reality .Accept reality, love reality. Start sincerely loving your wife.
    Is she not a helpless fish out of water? She "she never has been out of her house and as such(not)faced people in society before," How naive of her!. She left her parents and came to stay with total strangers –you and your parents. How it would have felt for her? Are you not responsible and liable to comfort and care her? She would have felt insecure. You should make her feel secure and assure her that you are there to love her sincerely take care of her.

    Please do not compel her to go for work. First let her fully adjust to the new surroundings. Let her get and feel the true love and affection and care Then let the two families fuse into a good relation. All problems will vanish.

    She is now carrying your child. It should be the happiest time for both of you. She needs you in her proximity, needs your soothing words. You do not lose anything by saying sorry and taking care not to utter any harsh words to her. Instead you will get double, triple and many times more love in return.

    You feel she is immature! After all, you are also young. She will be younger to you. Naturally we cannot expect maturity of 40 yr old or 50year old in you or her. She is used t a pampered life and was pet in her home. She my have the same feeling and expectation for some more time. Allow her to indulge in small pleasures of life like toffees. Gradually she will transform herself into a properly responsible lady of the house. In fact it would have already started by now. Your words 'She behaved properly in 4th and fifth month (she was at my home town with my mom and dad)" prove that. She needs the care and solace of loving parents and close relatives. Why you are shy in giving that?

    Don't see her parents as your enemy. They may be uttering words out of desperation and helpless. But once your wife goes and stays there breaking relationship, they would not be able to bear and may pour their anguish on he only.

    So forget everything as a bad dream. Take a few days leave at least. Be with her.
    "She is very much orthodox in nature and believes in all kind of old lady type superstitions. She always hides things because she feels "najar lagjayegi". Take her to the nearest temple or religious place and pray for the welfare of you both and your child. Convince her that the'najar' will now vanish and you will be happy.Tell her that God has shown his kindness on both of you. Let her enjoy the nice pampering from parents of both sides. You be with her for at least a few days exclusively giving attention to her even small needs.

    A least from now, really feel that you are mature and she needs your care and affection so that she also becomes mature and able to take the new responsibilities and duties.

    It is going to be good days from now on. Have an open mind, kind heart forgiving attitude supporting hands and sweet words.. Assure your wife that you want her and you will be with her and for her. Tell her that you are now changed man. Throw out your own ego.Tell her you are sorry for whatever has happened. Feel what you say. Miracles will happen
    Best Wishes.

  • I have read the content again and again. In the present complex society, many couples (especially in nuclear families) face exactly same situation. My advice in this regard is:-

    (i) At the first instance, you yourself need psychological help. Immediately visit a counsellor and inform him/her everything about the problem. Start taking stress-relieving medicine regularly.
    (ii) Start writing the basic details of your day-to-day problem and keep it in safe custody, preferably in your work-place. Inform at least one reliable person about the whereabouts of your diary.
    (iii) Try to take your wife to a marriage counsellor, if necessary, with the help of her parents.
    (iv) Keep records of harrassment/atrocities (yes, I am using this particular word) for future.
    (v) If possible, proceed on regular outstation tours to force her to remain alone at your residence.
    (vi) If nothing works, prepare for divorce. Consult some good lawyers well in advance. Consult them with documents and evidences.

    Please remember that you are not alone. Nowadays many males face the same situation. My sincerebest wishes to you and to your child who is coming to this world very soon.

    Beware! I question everything and everybody.

  • TThis response is marked as DELETED by the admin.

    I find the core content and even the narration is almost same as this A E question.
    I invite reference to my suggestions there.

  • Saurabh Goel,

    Since you have given complete picture about your spouse and her family, it would also be better to give a brief about your education, profession and family details to give a balanced suggestion. Remember marriage is a bondage between two souls and a relationship between two families as well. Don't get frustrated and stay cool. Just provide some more information about yourself to suggest you further.


  • Mr.Goel, you have already posted a question titled as " Advice needed to deal with daily mental health stress". The content is same, author is same, narration is same. Why you have posted the same matter as a different question. Is there any specific reason for that. Or you want to see the answers of same people differently in two posts. Please clarify the issue so that we will not get puzzled.

    always confident

  • At the point when two people frame a conjugal union, their choice has colossal power, regardless, over the nature of their lives. Their marriage can bring them vast gifts or can introduce frustration, strife, outrage and despondency. Seeing how to settle relationship issues in this manner is critical to maintaining both individual prosperity and a positive organization.
    Generally incessant outrage or it's inverse, wretchedness, may set in.
    Issues in getting along as a wedded couple unquestionably can assume a critical part in the improvement of melancholy. Spouses as well as wives in relational unions with a ton of pressure, difference or contentions are 10 to 25 times more inclined to encounter melancholy than individuals who are unmarried or in community oriented relational unions. That is a considerable measure!

    On the off chance that marriage disunity is high, sorrow treatment for one accomplice alone is probably not going to be powerful. There are times while proceeding in the conferred relationship is impeding to the wellbeing of both individuals included, also to the youngsters, if kids are included. Figuring out how to isolate that, however difficult, won't be dangerous can be another choice for the couple to seek after.

    As your wife has got pregnant it is worth that you give your relation a second chance only for the one who is gonna come into your world. The baby may surely bring the maturity inside your wife and help set your life on track. Just think positive and go on with your relation. If your wife acts like a kid then you too treat her like a kid which may make her happy and she may want to stand up to your need as a mature wife. Hope for the best and stay positive.

  • TThis response is marked as DELETED by the admin.

    Because one has to em answered by metal health dr about my health ,one is to solve my life

  • She was having problem if I meet her doctor. She was not ready when I met her doctor to ask about her and baby's medical condition now. She was so Angry why you want to talk to my doctor. what will she tell you if I am fine ,then I told her she its my wish to have words with her as a father and as a husband. I did not understand this face of her.

    Will she be like this now?
    Will she allow my child to play with me?
    Will she go back her home after birth?
    I am totally under depression now

  • Mr Jagdish, I have Done BCA, MCA, MBA. I work as senior software engineer with one of Gurgaon based MNC. My mother is housewife, father is having Bussiness, sisters are also MBA both are twines and non working theses days, sisters are 4.5 years younger to me.

  • You should not take Divorce. Things will become worse after Divorce. Your wife will be the mother of your child. It will be the bad impact on the child, who has no fault. Sometimes compromising the situation is good. Compromise with your wife. It may be possible, her attitude will be changed after the birth of the baby. When a girl becomes the mother she inherits all the qualities of motherhood. The development will change the situation.Go to the place of worship along with your wife. Sit there sometimes. The positive impact, you will see in your life. Do not involve parents and sisters in counselling of your wife. Control her neglecting her behaviour with love. It is not only in your case. Most of the arranged marriages are unmatching. But gradually couple learn to live together neglecting likes and dislikes.

    Service to mankind is service to God.

  • The situation being faced by you at this moment seems to be torturous and you are not aware how long such situation will continue in future. However I think the situation would improve once she gives birth of a baby. In the meanwhile, you may consider a few points and if these being implemented seriously, a congenial relationship between you two would develop.
    1) Never scold her in presence of your parents or as far as possible, her drawbacks or her immaturity should not be passed on to her relatives.
    2) You may ask your wife how peace between you two would prevail.
    3) Ignore some of her childish habits like her obsession for Tofees and sweet confectionary.
    4) You may approach a councillor and both of you should have frank discussion before the councillor so that he can suggest some constructive points.
    5) Encourage her outings including some sight - seeing or visiting some holy - places and in that way her mind may change for the better.
    6) You should always maintain cordiality in your conversation and must show that you cannot live without her.
    7) You may remind her that anger and her out - burst may affect the health of both - the child and herself.
    8) Arrange party at home and allow her to see how the othe couples are behaving and enjoying their present lives.
    9) May be the present depression is due to advanced stage of pregnancy and in that case consultation with the Gynaecologist would be much better and even slight change in food style including the supplementation of Vitamins would change the life for better.
    10) Don't be passimist and you can overcome the situation with your presence of mind.

  • TThis response is marked as DELETED by the admin.

    I just want to say your article is wonderful the clarity in your post is just nice and i can assume you are an expert on this subject thanks. write a good research paper

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