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  • Category: Marriage

    Whats wrong with my decision? Thinking about second marriage before divorce is wrong??

    I am 28 years old Indian woman, got married before 3 and half years. I have been living separately for more than one and half years. I do not wish to live with him. He tortured me a lot, I was not happy with him both emotionally and __________. We do not have kids. I decided to get divorce from him. I did not file divorce case still. I told him directly that I do not wish to live with him anymore. I was in hell when I was with him. He has given me physical torture and mental tortures too. After a long turn up, I decided to marry my friend, who knew everything about me and who understands me a lot. He convinced his parents and he proposed me for marriage. So I too thought well and decided to marry him. As per society, my decision is wrong it seems because still I have not separated from ex legally. Even I know that but once after getting divorce only we will get married still I do not know why this society thinking me wrong. I have only one life, I wish to live it. I am also normal girl with so many dreams have. If at all, my decision is wrong means, of course this society only wrong. When I was depressed, fed up, with lots of problems facing, this society or my relatives does not pampered me or sorted out my problems. Then why I want to think about this society and relatives. What I did wrong?
  • Answers

    10 Answers found.

  • The social stigma that is prevalent about women getting married for the second time has been rooted very deep. It definitely takes some time to wipe it off. But as an individual everyone should respect you and your decision. The person who criticizes you will not help you for a day. This is your life and live it as you please. Whether it is difficult or easy, whether you lose it or win it, you got to live on your own terms.

    Go ahead and get the divorce from him as soon as possible. I wonder why you didn't lodge a complaint against him in Police station for his physical abuse. I guess there are certain personal considerations which backed you off. But remember, he will also marry another woman after getting the divorce, what's the guarantee that he won't abuse her too? No other should suffer the same fate as yours. So, I would suggest you take necessary legal action against him. You can also get help from State Women's Protection Cell.

    Second marriage is always difficult, especially the new family that is welcoming you. Make sure they are supportive of you. Not only the person whom you are marrying but also his parents and other family members. If possible talk to them and take their opinion. Generally, people show an inferior feeling towards women who get married for the second time. You do not need any sympathy, you just need the support and make sure you get that from every member of the family. If you are positive enough, get divorced and marry the other guy. Forget the society, they will do nothing except pointing at fingers at others. There is nothing wrong with your decision.

    Thank You
    Dr. V. Shashikanth

  • Instead of asking for suggestions and guidance why you are just blaming 'society' or relatives? That shows that you feel guilty and frustrated. That is a way of escapism.It is none of our business if you marry or divorce or marry without divorce. As simple as that. But.......... we as fellow human beings want to help you in some way through this virtual forum.

    The bare truth is that you are just tying yourself in deep knots.

    However just because you have posted your frustrations in this Q&A section, we are trying to suggest something which may help you in taking better decision or at least give some alternative thought.
    So without losing your temper, read the answers in this page with calmness and composure with patience.

    You are once-bitten. So you have to be twice-alert. It is good that someone has come to accept you knowing your background. But what is the guarantee that you will be satisfied in this relationship also,if you were at fault for your first situation?

    Please do not think that society and relative are your enemies. At least by now you start the procedures and formalities for a faster and mutually agreed divorce. Accept life and new partner with all its ground realities . As sound comes only by clapping both hands, from your part try to be realistic and broadminded in your expectations, flexible and realistic in your responses and attitudes.

    Decide and determine how you want your future. Life is give and take. It is not a one-way traffic.

    We are not here to blame you for your past actions. You only have to own it up, whatever it may sweet or sour.
    Our interest is just to be in support to yo so that you do not land in further problems either due to your ignorance, imbalance or emotional pressure. You may also take sincere consultation and help from your real well wishers.

    Best Wishes.

  • It is very sad that you got humiliated by your partner. You have tolerated a lot and nay more is not required. My appreciations to you for deciding to stay away from him and not to live with him further with him.
    Now you want to marry another person. Please talk to him clearly and share your interest and all the matters with him. You can tell your likings and dislikings. Similarly, you better understand him and his family well. If you are having any doubts don't hesitate to get them clarified. Because you should not get into problems again. Once you are sure you need not think of this society or their comments. Initially for some time some people talk but after all will forget and those talks need not be taken seriously. It is your life and your decision. Who are they to decide?
    But my sincere advise to you is to get the divorce with the first partner before marrying the other person. That will be good for you and all. so be sure of that.

    always confident

  • You or anyone in your position need not seek approval from society or relatives. At many offices in India, if people of the opposite sex are very friendly at workplaces, colleagues start gossiping and linking people with adverse consequences.

    Unfortunately, society or relatives has good and bad elements, some of them would support you, some of them would find fault with you. Ultimately it is your life, if what you say is true about torture and you've separated for 1 1/2 years, it is a correct choice for you.

    Now keep aside this society and relatives and have a frank assessment of your situation.

    Evidence of your marriage, registration, earnings made during the period you both were together, any loans, vehicles,EMIs dues paid and unpaid, any insurance policies have taken or deposits made as retirement funds, please make an organized list of what all you can think of for the period of your married life.

    First, legally seek a divorce as this would take time, there would be issues of division of property or earnings if there are any joint holdings or accounts. If the degree of physical torture is obvious and you have evidence, you can approach a good lawyer or any of the women's organization close to you, they would help you to get justice.

    Once this is behind you and you are legally clear of any bindings or potential cases for wealth or abuse claims from your first husband, then start your new life.

    Second, with what you have experienced in life so far, take some time off, even if it is a short weekend break, re-organize your life and what your expectations are. Were there any short-comings from your side related to the first marriage. Anything that can potentially affect your second married life (your temper, your attitude, an inclination to escalate small arguments, too much of 'my time'), if you think of any such things, then make a plan to rectify them. Is your second would-be keen because you have a high paying job or property, think practically about how to go about your new life.

    Third, make a list of your finances and what you own (after the divorce), what you would get from your parents, how much would you need to contribute to their (parents,siblings etc) finances, because in India, people accept son's supporting the family they were born into but the same is often frowned up if the daughter decides to do so.

    Fourth, please meet you would be new husband, his family and have a heart to heart discussion, about your experiences so far, what their expectations (social, financial) would be. Because, you cannot keep suffering all the time, ensure that they understand you and your expectations so that you don't have to walk down the same wrong path again.

    Once all this is done, you are legally free, you are mentally strong and your second would-be is mature enough to love you truly, then go ahead with the second marriage, register it and enjoy your life. Please remember that you don't need to suffer abuse but marriage is a lot about give and take.

    Society helps or shuns people based on how people interact with them, so you can use them to support your life or moveon on your own.

  • I can well understand your problem and in fact, in our societies numerous marriages take place where both brides and bride - grooms are ignorant of the temperament and attitude of their opposite partner and so there is no guarantee that one will get a matching partner. Life gives you the full oppurtunity of enjoyment but at the same time without hurting other sentiments.
    I think you have taken a right step by distancing yourself from him so that you are no more subjected to humiliation. To contract a second marriage, you need to take up two steps- the first one is to take divorce with your ex- partner by engaging an experienced lawyer who will help you in procuring a divorce from your insensitive ex - partner and in that way your second step for contemplating a second marriage would be somewhat easier.
    The divorce process may take a year for the final judgement and hence you would get abundant time to select a partner with your own accord and I hope you will take every step to scrutinise your next partner by keeping in mind three parameters namely his mental make up, his financial status and above all his humane - quality such as possession of integrity, reliability and patience. You should not be in a hurry to take steps in haste and a series of deliberations with the would be partner would help you in choosing your dream partner.
    Society is not to blamed in your case and you will get combination of people having diverted attitudes but certainly you will get a few people eager to help you in the hours of crisis.

  • We have only heard you and we do not know the story by another side. Believing your narration, you have done a correct thing by leaving that person. Now legally you must get the divorce. It is not understood why you have not lodged a police complaint against that cruel person. In fact, you are entitled for a part of his income or property if you are deserting him because of his fault.

    In our society, some of the male members still have a feeling of superiority and they consider the female like a servant obeying them blindly. One should not stay with such inhuman people. The world is very big and you can always get a partner of your choice.

    Please be careful and judgemental about the person you are going to start a new relationship. It should not be a repeat of the earlier episode. Do not fall in emotional traps. The world is a practical place. There may be many lip sympathizers for a single woman. They will show their true color when you live with them.

    Knowledge is power.

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  • HI Pooja,
    It is understandable that you are undergoing too much of stress. Everybody has a dream to their married life from their ten age, but not all get their dreams true. You are married for 3 and half years but together only for 2 years. So, it means, some how you tried to patch with your husband in that period and still that did not gone well to you.

    You mentioned, you are alone for past 1 and half years. Hope, this period itself would have shown you the true faces of many. Many relatives and friends would have advised, threatened, forced to continue your life with your ex. But you stood strong with your decision. Even when everybody else questioned you about your future, you did not find your ex husband as an answer to it. So, you are clear that, you have no more space for your ex husband in your life. To make it official, seek the help of legal adviser and get divorce first.

    So, now the question is about second marriage. Marriage is a bond between two people, who agreed to live the rest of their life together. It is a soul companionship. Every human being's desire is to have such soul partnership through out their life. Of course, some loses their life partner in the middle. Some gets separated either because of one's mistake or both person's misunderstanding. It does not mean, they need to lose the meaning of marriage and companionship for the rest of the life.

    If, you are confident that, you are not the reason for your separation from your husband and you have the qualities to lead your married life with normal adjustments and compromises, then you can think of your second marriage for sure. Sometimes, I have seen, people who gets separated, plans to get married again, simply as a revenge to show their ex that they are married again and leading happy life. But personally, they don't not want to commit with anyone at all. In another case, I have seen a woman in my relatives, who got separated from her husband, because of physical torture, started feeling unsecured with all others, then she got married to another person, still it took her a long time for her to build a trust in him. So, when you think of a second marriage, prepare your mind that everything is going to be happy here after and never get a thought, what if same happens again or all men are same like that. That unsecured feel will lose your happiness at present.

    What society will think of your second marriage? Remember, society will keep questioning you, when you do not get married; But when you are married, only, you faced all the sufferings. The same way, when you are separated also, they would have questioned you a lot. Many shown the interest in knowing, what kind of tortures you have undergone, (part of sadist activities). As you mentioned, none is going to be with you forever. Even if they speak bad, it is going to last, not more than a month. Soon, they will find someone else to talk about. Society is just people like you and me, not everybody has same opinions. Sometimes, headaches and stomach ache can be understood, only when they suffer on their own, and not when the other suffers. Sometimes, kids comes as a question mark, when it is a second marriage, in your case, there is no such hurdle. Never try to answer or explain anyone. Let them question and find answers on their own. Not every battle is worth fighting.

    Marrying a friend: However he is a friend, however he knows all your past, it is better to ask him directly, whether he has anything that disturbs marrying you. Is he ready to face all society's questions? Tell him what made you to get separated from your ex, so that he can make sure, not the same to be repeated with you again in future too. Just because, he proposed you, you need not to think him as your only choice. Be confident to do second marriage, choose a person wisely. Have a peaceful married life.

    Sri Vetri
    Spread Positivism

  • I find most of my answer's by the above author's who have said the truth. Now coming to the society you need not worry because when we buy vegetables/fruits we just pick good ones and other's who come also pick good ones so at the end of the day rotten or spoilt ones are left in the basket the vegetable keeper throw's it to garbage, similarly in society also you find good and bad people. Just ignore them and don't keep their thought's in your mind.
    You need to answer only to your self conscious whether your right or wrong with your first relation or the second one. Because all of us are solving as per your query. First thing be a human and don't think all in the society are having negative opinion about your second relation.

    Coming to your relation in your query you have not mentioned about your parents nor about your first in laws. If your in-laws were aware of it then you can go for the second relation suppose if they are not aware then you can go and speak to them regarding your ill-treatment from your ex husband and make them clear that you will file for divorce and get married. The same can be conveyed to your parents or relatives.
    Now about your fiance husband just think twice before you get your self engaged with him in relation because already you have beard enough and want to lead a good life so its better you think twice in all aspects. Later on you should not repent for second relation also. Just find out he likes you because of sympathy or really likes you however you're. This relation is not for two days or two years, So its better you think twice in all angle's including his parents.

    About your divorce. Since you have mentioned that you're already staying apart past one and half year then there is no difficulty in filing for divorce. Speak to your ex husband and inform him about your divorce filing and then proceed further. When filing divorce and speaking to your ex husband about divorce it better if you're lawyer and fiance husband accompany you.
    You will get divorce in a short period as the above authors have already mentioned about it.

    Finally I wish to say that its better to stay with fresh apples to be fresh all the day instead staying with rotten apples that make you rotten one fine day. You need not worry or bother about the society if you know your correct. But don't hurt any body by your harsh words and think every body are the same.

  • First I would like to congratulate you for taking such a brave decision. From your question it is clear that you tried a lot to save your relationship as you stayed with your husband for 2 years. But unfortunately it does not work.
    But when a girl gets married and then goes separated with her husband the society only blame her as she is the root of all the problems. Sometimes we forget that marriage is a partnership between two people. And both of them have to equally contribute here. So, why should we blame the girl when the marriage does not works?
    Moreover the society does not approves second marriage of a girl especially if she was a divorcee woman. But always remember Pooja that this your own life and you have the right to live it in your own way. So do not feel frustrated and lonely.
    You have already taken a bold decision of your 2nd marriage. But it is not cleared to me that why do you left the case pending? First take divorce from your husband unless you will not be able to marry again. According to the law if a person married twice without getting divorce from first marriage, the second marriage will get nullify. If you get married without taking divorce from your first husband, he can file complaint against you and your second husband. So apply for a divorce first, and wait for it. Only then you can be able to marry once again, otherwise it will create legal problem.
    And now the most important part. Stop blaming to the society. Take a positive attitude towards your life and enjoy the every moment of your life.

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