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    Need suggestion to improve family life

    Have a query about issues in marital life? Searching for answers on this page? Here, get suggestions and advice from our ISC experts to resolve the marital issues and get peace and happiness at home.

    I had an arranged marriage and married just 3 months ago. In these 3 months me and my wife have had many arguments and fights. Even our parents are involved to solve the things but that doesn't work. My wife said many wrong words and abused me and said wrong words and had great arguments with my mother also (my father left us for another women and married her 14 years ago and since then my mother can't able to take stand for herself). I always tried to support & told what to do and what not to my wife (like- I told her things not to do- her aggression is very high. I told her to not get angry. Sometimes she uses bad language and abuses me in joke. When she cannot not hear the words properly, without confirming the word she replies instantly which proved bad. She didn't remember the words she said for long and claims she didn't said it all. I told her to - get socialised with my family. She always used to live in bedroom instead of living with family members which is not favorable, try to remember the things, don't use ever such bad languages and don't ever abuse me, first hear properly then reply). All these kind of stuffs made my life like spoiled whenever I tried to clear the things, she replied ( lecture, my head is spinning, headache etc.), her parents also supporting in some certain way.
    Now my mother also don't want to live with her.
    Me and my mother feels like stuck & and life become like hell I want to leave her. Any suggestions?
  • Answers

    7 Answers found.
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    'Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.' -Anonymous

  • Three months is a very short period to understand each other. This time is not even sufficient to come out of the old associations and form new associations.
    Did you explain the problems of your mother to your wife properly? Both of you may be in your early twenties and as you said it is an arranged marriage you both may not know each other very well. So What I feel is you should give her sufficient time to understand you and your family.
    First of all, before advising her about behaviour, you try to understand her nature completely. Some people can adjust fast to the new circumstances and persons. They require more time. So let her be on her own and try to understand her properly. You tell your mother to be patient for some more time. You try to change your self to the liking of your wife. Once she gets some positivity about you, definitely she will try to understand you and behave the way you like. She may also have some likes and dislikes. It is not fair on your part to ask her to change immediately. She has to change to some extent and you should also change to some extent.
    Some people like to be alone than with other people. Once you understand her completely and she will be able to appreciate your good behaviour with her, you can advise stage by stage to be good with your mother. Try for another 3 months and if you feel there are no improvements even after your repeated requests, then you can take a decision.

    always confident

  • It will be too early to predict the nature of your partner since only three months have elapsed after your marriage . I hope you would show maturity while dealing with your wife and your mother. No doubt, the aggressive behaviour of your wife is the major hurdle in the normalisation of her relationships from both you and your mother.
    Maintaining your calmness, you may ask her straight way what pleasure she gets by using the rough words and you should make her realise that cordiality and closeness can be achieved in the family with the sweet tongue. This needs to be implemented practically.
    You have to be a little bit diplomat with your mother and tell her that your partner is rather new to the family environment and probably she would take some more time to adjust with the family -environment and in the mean time ask her to be cordial and affectionate while dealing with her daughter - in - law. I hope your mother will agree to your proposal.
    Remain in constant touch with your wife and cite a few examples of such families where both husbands and wives are made for each other at least by seeing their sense of sacrifice, their faith for each other and their equal involvements in bringing up children and apprise her of witnessing such event when she will be blessed with motherhood.
    Your constant effort will bring positive results definitely within a short span of time.
    If you are not getting desired result within six months, you are free to contact a lawyer in order to secure divorce in order to maintain family - peace.

  • These three moths should have been a period of just bliss for the newly married couple. It should have been a period for knowing each other, being in the exclusive company of each other. It is ironical that you found time only for disagreeing and teaching lessons!
    If you had not gone for a honeymoon, please go now. Choose some good place where newly married couples come for honey moon or visit. Then you will forget everything and will be enjoying each other's company. Actually for the first three month most couple complain that they did no get enough time to be excusively in each other's company because of the hectic schedules of vesting relatives, attending felicitation parties and dinner, going on some pilgrimage to perform some offerings etc.

    You take some time out from your routine and be with her to the maximum possible time. If you give attention to her then she will not need to contact her parents or spend time alone in the bed room .A lazy mind is a devil's workshop. Both of you go together even for small thing s like going to buy vegetables etc.
    Let your mother allow your wife to do things for you like making and bringing coffee, sit with you and discuss household matters etc.

    This is the time to be most happy and in a bliss. Don't waste the time. Be with your wife's company. Give her good attention. She has left her home and come with you. She will be feeling homesick and separated from parents. So compensate it with your sincere affection and love and caring attention. It is time to share and care each other. Go for movies, shopping, visiting, tour etc.Go through your marriage album/CD etc and old albums of each other's childhood college school days etc. Thus know each other well. Don't think that she should sacrifice all her individuality for you, but each of you adjust a little to accommodate each other. Things will become normal and alright soon.

  • My suggestions are as under:-
    (a) Take leave and give your wife maximum possible time.
    (b) Go out of station and spend some memorable time. Don't lose temper under any circumstances.
    (c) Try to analyze her behaviour and the reason behind such rudeness. Is it due to her family circumstances? Was she the only child? How is the relationship between her parents, i.e., your in-laws?
    (d) Is/Was she working? Try to find if there is any tension in her office.
    (e) Introspect whether you have any fault. If yes, then try to rectify yourself.
    (f) If everything fails, visit a marriage counsellor. Act according to his/her advice.
    (g) At the same time, you have to look after your mother. Under no circumstances, you should not abandon her.
    (h) It is a tough job for anyone. But give it an honest try.

    Best of luck!

    "If you are killed in action, you go to Heaven. If you win, you rule this Earth (as beautiful as Heaven). That is why, O son of Kunti, take a firm resolve and fight!"-- Shrimad Bhagwad Gita

  • Logically, a marriage goes through many phases, the first few important ones are the stage of passion, realization, rebellion and then stage of co-operation. In simple terms, once the initial festival atmosphere of marriage passes by, then the truth sets in about two real lives coming together, living together. In the first year, most of the arguments and fights happen. After this, the marriage stabilizes. Right now, I think your marriage is just gone through the realization stage, you have to tide over until you reach the stage of cooperation. It will happen, most of us have gone through these difficult times successfully without separation.

    The bridegroom is attached to his parents, the newlywed wife is attached to hers, so the shift of the emotional bonding is always not easy. As an adult, she would also emphasize on her individuality, independence, and freedom as you would want to.

    The new environment and the incident of your father's re-marriage would be seen in a different way by your wife and there would be chances that she would be looking down upon your mother.

    Without being emotional, try and see what all mistakes have happened like you have listed the faults with her, there would also be faults from you and your mother's side.

    Marriage is a two-way street, more of giving and taking, at times you would end up compromising more, at other times, it would be the opposite. Initially, try not to escalate things, allow the tense atmosphere to settle down, give it another three months. Have a chat with your mother and she would understand. Then have a discussion with your wife and see what she really wants. At times because of the close proximity among the three at home, there would some unsettled issues that would not be obvious at first glance.

    Spend time with her, take her out for a dinner, a movie, a short holiday or a day trip. Both of you start respecting each other and the marriage, then you will understand each other better. Try not to take sides strongly during an argument between your mother and wife. Do not scold or use harsh language against her, in the presence of your mother or other family members. Find out what her interests and hobbies are and encourage her. Some woman is attached to pets, continuing education or working. In your case, see if this applies and move on positively.

    Visit temples or religious place as a family, let your mother also, forget what has happened and slowly bond with your wife. If there are issues with the division of work at home, kitchen, and laundry, try to be fair and settle it if need be employ maids or house help.

    Over a few months, you will realize that things are getting better and your marriage becomes stable. Married life, balancing time and dividing love and affection is not that easy, we need lots of patience and never to jump the gun.

  • In our Indian culture, marriage is a life time commitment and is to be honoured by both the parties. As per your narration it is only 3 months and you are already having so many misunderstandings and problems in your household.

    I have heard the story only from you and so I am not aware of your wife's outlook on this situation. Anyway believing what you have told as correct I can suggest some ways to handle this grave situation and possibly come out of the confrontation mode.

    Please try to understand that you have married to a girl and have brought her to your house where she is outsider and she has to stay here with new people and she does not even know their behaviour and nature. In such a condition instead to support her if we see everything as her fault she may be soon out of her mind and may start behaving badly with the family members. In a marriage, mutual understanding and accommodation plays a great role and that is the only thing which can bring peace in the house.

    Personal ego and resistance to change will not help anyone and until unless we hear to each other patiently and seriously no improvement is going to take place. Another important thing is your mother instead of loving that girl, who has left her parents and started a new life here, may be jealous of her as she has shared your love which otherwise you were fully bestowing on your mother. These human traits are also to be understood fully and just blindly accusing the wife will not yield any favourable results.

    Try to give good cooperation from your side as well as from your mother's side to that girl and see whether with good behaviour from your side, there is a change of attitude in her or not. Avoid confrontation and try to have quality time with her. She should not feel that you do not love her. Fighting and abusing will only exaggerate the situation from bad to worse.

    Even after your cooperation, support and respect if the wife is not changing her ways then the path of divorce is always open and there is no point in living with a bad person for longer period as it will unnecessarily create stress and other harmful conditions in your life. So give her some time and make her feel homely in your house and if nothing works go for the bold decisions.

    Knowledge is power.

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