Behavior of son towards parents after marriage.

It is bad to note that your son is changed after his marriage.
These days some young people are very much after money and some people value relations more than money.
You have already taken care of him and now he is on his own.
What I suggest is to have a one to one discussion with your son and know why he is behaving like this and tell him that he should take care of himself and his family. At the same time, you tell him that he should help you and your daughter also.
Try to educate him. But if he continues to be like this, you have to tolerate him and pull on with him. But don't support him financially and don't spend any money on the house he is staying. You tell him that he has to spend money if wanted to renovate the house. Otherwise, let him take some other house on rent and you can give your house on rent.
You have to tolerate him as he is your son and you should console yourself by seeing the progress of your children and be happy with your daughter. Unnecessary worrying may cause health problems also. As such don't think much about the behaviour of your son.

Well your case is not different from many parents of Indian society. Even Animal young ones stay away from parents in new neighborhood , humans are not exceptional. First of all , it was your mistake that you did not have much control after his marriage. Obliviously this is not over night changes in him , your daughter in law has to have some role. Property , money are main contributing thing for rages and quarrels. If you tell him that you are leaving job and coming their for good , he will fight with you more than what fights right now.
Good thing is he is your son so every parent wanted to his generation at least live peacefully. You are already done with your job by settling him. I would thing of you pull off your savings for your daughters settlement as well and not to interfere in son's life unless he wanted. Everyone gets chance ,if you pay attention to him you will never will live in peace. Invest your money for your pension plans. More money you keep with you in cash or in gold more you will have harassment possible. So do not disclose your savings to anyone. Hope you will do good and take care of your health.

Well, we might have experiencing the things that we never had expected in our life but imagining that the changes like this wouldn't happen in our life doesn't show our wisdom & observation in context to what is happening in the outside world. Going ahead with dong the favors shows us as good human being & a responsible person but keeping-up with the expectations along with it is not always good & here lies the lots of mistakes that have already been taken place. Along with emotional attachments a bit of professionalism plays a vital role in later part of our life but the problem is that many of us don't get this simple fact of our life & therefore we bound to face the unexpected consequences which is less satisfactory but more painful. In the current picture we observe the same scenario wherein the parents are seen working for the betterment of their children by taking care of their growth & establishing of career but while going ahead the outcomes are not as expected & then we face misunderstanding & clashes with the family members & within us too. This is not new but the age old problem since the time of human civilization came into existence.

As per me I request the author to pl. keep on adding with some finance to her bank account so as to not face any financial miseries later because during the worst of the scenario of our life the money remains the much needed asset to us & we don't feel that much helpless. The author has mentioned her personal matter & therefore the intensity of feeling & the actions can only be felt by her only & for others this whole wouldn't be much than a fantasy happening for which they keep on with their calculations of about what is happening & what should have the case?

May be this is an awakening time for the author to come-up with hard decisions before this gets too late. She has got with her daughter too, means she still left with the big responsibility. I make a request to pl. learn from the mistakes & go ahead. We are living in a more professional environment with hardly left with any emotions within us or we are living in a world more based on "use & throw" concept.

In the present society these types of cases have become very common. Children after marriage forget their parents. The joint family set up is almost gone. Nuclear families are seen everywhere. Children forget how they have come to the present status. Very often the new comer into the family will be responsible for such a situation. In certain cases mother's attitudes also create problems.
This lead to another problem also. The family gets divided and seek separate dwelling places. In one unit two elderly people stay alone and in the other the new couple. When the couple gets a child, son starts loving his mother and takes her to his residence. The idea behind this is to avoid appointing a maid servant to look after the child. This happens in the case of children staying outside the country, very often. There the servant is very costly.
All these point out that there exist only a relationship based on economic considerations, these days. The reason for breaking the joint family system is also the same.

I would suggest that you stop expecting anything from your Son, because expectations will only dishearten you. Sometimes people change with time and if we resist that change, it only worsens the situation.

As a mother, you did your best; now it's time that you slow down. Keep on doing whatever you feel is necessary to maintain a harmony between all the family members; but please do it without expecting anything in return. Please do not exert yourself too much in any way.

Things will change again, but that might take some time. I personally suggest, you spend more time on yourself, read books if you like, listen to music of your choice or mingle with your friends. We all are here with a purpose, find yours.

Trust me, the idea of changing people is an illusion. Elevate yourself, a Mother is always too close to God. He will take care of everything.

What you have narrated is happening to many people in this world and they are being hurt by the behaviour of their offsprings.

Marriage is a big diversion for the young people and their concern to their parents is subdued to some extent. Theoretically speaking it should not have happened as parents have done so much for their children. Unfortunately, it happens.

There are some children who maintain same respect and care but they are rare and can be counted on fingers.

So the lesson learnt is do not expect from them but do whatever good you can do. At the same time do not give your money to them once they are independent and earning themselves.

When you become older and free from your responsibilities, you have to learn detachment from worldly affairs but do not compromise with your financial means. They are more necessary in old age.

In some of the developed countries, people stop supporting their children after a particular age whether they are employed or not.

Really sorry to learn about your story. What I feel that we the parents keep much attachment toward children and as parents we are ready to forgo our needs and attend their every want as if they are going to bring moon on our palm. That is not the case. Children feel that as a parent you are bound to nurture them against all odds and as they grow up and get married, they get wings, freedom and they try to behave what the better half says. This is happening in every home. What I have been telling my wife that , we have given our best education to the two children, and let them understand their obedience toward us and that should not be forced. Only good sense must prevail on the children who discard the parents at the advise of wife. That is very bad precedent followed in many families. The common friend from both sides must mediate and sort out the issue , otherwise it may go bad to worse. Have guts and courage to surge ahead.

Many of us blaming the daughter in law in such situations but I totally blame the boy only as he is the person knows very well about the parents a and their hardship sustained for his growth. Though the incoming does not understand the pain of them this boy should made her to understand the family circumstances so that she could follow the traditional customs of the family. But many boy in the name of seeking privacy neglect the parents,Change the tradition.

What you have narrated is not a unusual story. These things are common in today's society.

The children have to see their career and future life. They have to raise their family. They have to acquire materialistic facilities.

They may look as selfish to you but that is the reality of life. They do not see backwards, they will be going ahead with their ambitions.

What I can suggest at this juncture is detachment and not expecting anything from anyone even if they are our own children. That is the only way to happiness.

The situation you are in is a mixture of some facts and some emotionally charged imagination of a doting mother.

When a male child is brought up by mother alone, she will have over expectations and even possessive affection on her son. That usually brings clash after the son gets married,unless the mother is very understanding and accommodating.

Just start thinking from his side. He may be genuinely over busy and having lack of time or stressed by his job. Or he may be deliberately creating atmosphere now itself and preparing you , so that you will not be feeling bad after his marriage, when he will be sharing and caring for his wife.

But what about your daughter? Is she of marriageable age? If so the priority would have been to get her married so that she can have her life. Is she having a job? Is it absolutely necessary tat she should be dependent on you?

If what you have narrated are real and there is a real change of attitude and affection from your son, then you may do the following:
1. If the present house is on your name,you may ask your son to look for a separate house for him and his wife, leaving the present house .
2.You should not give him more money.
3. You should not take any loan and make your further life worse in financial difficulties also.
4. You may not be able to go for job all life. Hence keep savings.
5. If daughter is eligible for job, let her get a job and earn.
6. Have a thorough and serious open discussion with your son and sort out things. Allow him to have his life. Do not interfere in it and spoil.
7. From the discussion you may come to know whether problem is real or an exaggerated Ac emotional reaction from you.Take decision accordingly.

While bringing up your child, you ignored your priorities and the only objective before you to make your a sensible citizen providing him the best education. You did not mind the resource required for educational expenses, medical expenses in case of his sudden illness. It was all your responsibility to discharge your duty effectively.
However, the best part is that you have done your excellent mother's role but so far as I feel you are not aware of the complexities of charecters of human being. It is very easy to forget the motherly affection and the sons need Continious flow of money.
Be a practical mother and for the survival of yourself and your daughters take up the following points on urgent basis-
1) Consult a financial consultant so that a SIP account of a balanced fund of a known portfolio for a minimum of 10,000/-can be started for a minimum period of ten years so that your corpus swell handsomely. Even equity portfolio can be chosen.
2) You should not help your son financially any more.
3) Help your daughter to find a suitable assignment of her choice so that it will create her confidence level.
4) Don't take unnecessary stress for the present set back.
5) You may engage yourself with the tiny tots living your neighbours by opening a day care and in that way you can exploit your time effectively.

Thank you all for your valuable suggestions. Yes, I will talk to my son one to one when I meet him next time. My daughter is already married and we'll settled. I have discussed about my financial s with all (including son in law and daughter in law). My daughter and son in law concured with me keeping my financial position in tact and not spending on the houses for repair but to receive the rentals all alone to reduce my liabilities and to have reserve funds for my future. My son is not comfortable in accepting this arrangements but scared to open up before his sister.

I will have to bring him within the religious circle to make him understand the relationship between him and me. I will try that too.

Thanks a lot once again and hoping to get guidance from you all in future.

Asma

The thread is disheartening. It seems you may have gone wrong in judging your son. A child does not change all of a sudden. You may not have understood his nature and attitude earlier because you never wanted to judge him. Now, when there is a new member in the family then, you simply considered that marriage had changed your son. Nothing can change overnight.

Life cannot be the same as always rather it will especially change when children grow up. Being parents we need to understand our kids, and for that open discussion with them is required. Parents and children both should not take the other one for granted to avoid any problem to build up.

In my opinion, do not confront because it's a very touchy issue. Allow it to calm down, and in between, do not thrust upon your thought process. Children usually understand their mistake, but they need a little time and a common wavelength.

The relationship between parents and children is the most intricate and complex among all.
The expectation from both the sides are extremely hard to match. You have to understand that in the first place.
Your son was free till he got married, so he could dedicate his time for you. Now the situation is completely different, and he has the same 24 hrs to divide for all the commitments he has.
He is afraid to lose his wife, who has left her world to be with him. So, he has to give some special attention for the initial years. That is normal.
But he knows from the bottom of his heart that you will continue to be his mother and you are still his support system. And he has not yet come into terms , to accept you as a liability.
And I would say, this has saved your dignity. You are still safe.

But my heart goes out for you, for a mother who has managed so hard a situation, all by herself.
But in the meanwhile what I can guess is, you couldn't be strict enough while rearing up your kids. This is quite understandable, as raising kids with difficulties and managing life all alone is a tricky situation that has no perfect formula to address with.

But now, you have to broaden your mind while correcting yourself for being so lenient. As in anyway, things have soured, you have nothing to lose. You have to be stern and have the courage to turn down his undue demands.
If he is saying he has lot of grudges and grumbles against you, ask him to gush them all out. It can be hard for you to listen, it might break your heart, but that is the only way to put an end to this mess.
For once, be stern, turn your face away, and ask nothing from your son, unless he himself comes to you. Protect your dignity, protect your child from getting swayed away by negative influences, by staying silent.

Hi,
Really felt sorry for you. I can imagine how you have sacrificed your life for upbringing of your children. But I really do not have words to console you.
However you can find lots of parents around you who are facing same situations like you. Generally young people after marriage want to live a better life with their partner. Where they thinks that the parents are really burden for them. They do not want the advise of their parents who are their really well wisher; rather they think that their parents are interfering in their life. So your incident is not a new one.
so please do not repent on what happened. Rather try to focus on your future life.
Make proper financial arrangements for your future. do a health insurance of save some good amount of money for your illness.
do not give any other money to your son.
try to make you busy in some work so that your mind can not be so tensed.

Nowadays this became very common, sorry to listen about this.
Now the only thing as a mother you have to do is just agree on what all shits he say and obey as per his requirements, Now he is in maya of his wife & he is comparing his lifestyle with others, but he is not knowing that he himself is cutting his roots of the relationships.

1. You need to know that Nothing is inevitable, Just you Continuously show Love, Love & Love your Son for whatever shit he does for you. (Don't discuss with relatives/friends about the situations you are facing, because instead of feeling sorry they try to drag you down & make you feel bad ).

2. Spend your time in doing meditation, Listening to Spiritual songs, bhajans and visit temples where you get tons of positive energy.

3. Don't always think about this situation., why is it happening only to me. (Just think you are blessed, You are in a better position, See so many people in this world are homeless, foodless, & in the worst situation like beggars on the roadside, old-age homes, kids are left in orphanage homes, Died in Tsunami attacks, Terror attacks, etc) Considering these all you are in a better situation.

4. Karma cannot be avoided, but Seva, Satsang & service can burn the bad karmas.

My suggestion, just be calm & do whatever your son says with a smile on your face. Everything changes in a short period.

First of all, all human beings in this world have different mentalities. You have already told that your son was appointed as a driver to his father. You took a divorce from your husband. The reason to it is known to you only. But, it could not be known to your son. After he had joined as a driver for his father, then there may be changes. I think that marriage is not the criterion in this hatred of your son against you. Even though marriage is the cause of the loss of affection to you from your son, it may be corrected by joining with them and discussing with them. First of all, it is suggestible that you have to meet your son and discuss the reasons for his behaviour against you in a polite manner. Generally, sons are arrogant, therefore as elders, you have to patient for his response.

Feel bad to hear this that your son is behaving like this which hearts you but keep patience and give some time for your relation. Often its happen in many parents life but sometime we did not see both faces of the life situation.
In your age it is very common to feel bad by small things from your son and specially for a single mother who sacrifice her entire life and live her life only for his child, but I would like to say that this situation bothering you only so you have to find a solution.
So first of all stop expecting anything from you son for a while, I know we have many expectation from our child but at that time it would be better to do not expect anything,.
Then think about it is there all fault from your sons's side, may be he is not completely wrong take your time and think about it.
Was your son always obey you before his marriage as it may notices many parents ignore their son's mistakes before marriage but after marriage when he repeat the same mistakes they feel its happening after marriage only which is not always true.
Think from his side , he has two responsibility you and his wife so may be sometime he have to take some decision which may heart any one of them. Make a bonding with your daughter in law it will give you more support.
Still if you have many issues and you feel not happy to live with them or they may giving you any kind of financial or physical torture then you can consult to a judiciary person also.
Please remember we all are living our life with our family and without family life become very tough so adjustment to live with you loved ones are always good.

It sounds really very bad. But in a real sense, such cases have been common in our society. Oftentimes, I heard this kind of news. In fact, these cases are also happening in our family. I think when parents responsibility gets over, they should maintain a gap from their children, especially after marriage. I have seen that sometimes parents treat their children as usual even after marriage. That is not good. Parents should be alert in a matter of financial matter. They should never disclose their property in front of children. But, they should make aware a little bit so that in future they do not feel the problem in financial issue. In most of the family, parents feel that their son behaviour has changed after marriage. But it is not 100%true. After marriage, the son having two responsibility first mother and second wife. Mother thinks that my son is more loving to wife whereas wife thinks my husband only listen to his mother. So, it is a very difficult situation to handle both relationships. In some cases, the son really ignores their parents in old age. Many times situation is seen heartrending as children leave their parents in old age home society. So Be bold and Be strong. Never expect anything from son. As far as possible command over a financial matter. Keep engage yourself in social work. If he tortures you more then consult to the judiciary department.