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  • Category: Family & Life

    Why after marriage things change?


    How does marriage change the relationships within the family? Are you worried that some of your relatives or family members change their relationships with the family after their marriage? Get some tips here.

    Why people change after marriage? How and why behaviour of a husband towards others specially his parents changes.

    I have seen many examples where a boy loves his parents but things change after his marriage and he starts ignoring his parents and the time comes when he gets separated from his parents.

    What's the reason of it.

    Don't we know how to make balance in relationships?

    My younger brother had great affection with the mother but I don't know what has happened as now he doesn't like my mother and doesn't even like to talk to her. May be his wife teaches him against mother.

    May be, as my mother and her wife have frequent quarrels thats the reason why he doesn't have good relations with the mother as he had in the past.

    What should boys do so that their relations with the parents doesn't get affected after marriage?
  • Answers

    17 Answers found.
  • This is a very pertinent question and many families are facing this problem today.

    Marriage is a big event in the life of two people - bride and the bridegroom. It is a start of a new relationship. There are hopes and aspirations in this bondage and there are also hidden hopes of raising a family and future together.

    The boy is in his parents house but the girl is coming from some family to this house to stay permanently. She is missing her parents and initially tries to look up to the parents of the boy expecting some resemblance there. She does not find any such thing rather sees a lot of expectations from her from discipline to morality. She suddenly finds herself in a tight spot and feels as if in a cage. The only thing in which she finds comfort and solace is the love bestowed on her by the husband.

    Initially the boy loves both the parties - one side his family another side his lovable wife. After some time both the parties start to feel as if the boy is not giving them their due concern. Then starts the tug of war. Whom does the boy like more?

    In most of the cases the intimacy with the wife wins the game and the boy starts to detach from his family members thinking that his family members are not doing justice and good behaviour with his wife.

    The result of all this leads to disintegration in the family and in many cases the boy starts living separately with his wife.

    Over and above that, if his mother and his wife are of quarreling nature or selfish then the situation of separation takes place early.

    The question comes why a lady can not treat her daughter in law as her own daughter and another question also comes in mind why a daughter in law can not treat her mother in law as her own mother.

    So this is a complicated relationship and very few matured and prudent persons can live together harmoniously after the event of marriage.

    The mindset of a mother in law is totally different from that of a mother. The same lady will behave differently in these two roles.

    So the solution is not very simple and only cordial and cooperative people can have a peaceful coexistence.

    Knowledge is power.

  • This is a peculiar problem that many families in our country are facing. Here the two ladies involved should have the adjustment mentality. Otherwise, the life the man involved will become pathetic. It gives very nervous moments to the man.
    Parents, brothers and sisters are the relations you are getting on their own. You have no say in getting these relatives. It will come on its own. But the wife is a person you have selected and coming into your life. Both wife and husband have to lead their life together and children will be their common property.
    A mutual understanding and cooperation with each other among these two people will be the key for a peaceful solution.
    A man has to see that he will never be inclined towards a single person. He to be more balanced. In small issues it is better if he is not getting involved and leaving it to both of them for solving is a choice. When a problem comes one should see the problem as a whole and see that the two parties involved will be able to understand the issue positively and amend their ways.
    There will not be any rule book or guidelines to solve these issues. One has to be analytical and should be unbiased in solving these problems.

    drrao
    always confident

  • Things change after marriage, but not relations. I found your statement wrong mentioning that your brother's wife teaches against your mother. Without any proof its wrong blaming others. When a guy or a girl gets married there will be changes in both families and even in their relation with their relatives.
    First let me tell you about a girl. When a girl gets married she needs some time to get adjusted to husband's family and their life style. Definitely she will change because she has to live there life time. In that moment even the husband side people should support her and teach her politely their customs. But instead most of us try to find negative in her actions and start blaming her where at first the bonding with relatives goes wrong. Its better we support her and even respect her feelings till she gets adjusted.
    Now when a guy gets married he stays in between wife and parents. He can't leave both but at certain case or situation's force him to take some decisions which will not be willing but for his family sake he has to. In this moment his parents has to support him for his decision because of his peaceful life and even for his future.
    Now the affection after marriage towards parent change because its a cycle . It had happened the same with them at their time. No doubt there must be change due to generation gap. But's its life fact every body should accept it. For a moment they can recall their life and find the difference.
    At last I wish to say its a great change in life for every body in the family where it has to accepted politely with positive thinking. Instead of blaming its better you think where you are wrong for the change in behavior in your brother. First include your brother's wife as a family member then everything will set right on its own.

  • Things are not changing. Persons are changing or made changed. Till marriage to anyone parents are necessary or indispensable but once marriage is over he think wife is important over parents and so he started neglecting parents. Nodoubt girls are coming by leaving their parents and brother,sisters but for that she should not make her husband to leave their parents and relatives. The husband should make her to realize both side relationship are important through his exposing as well action. Similarly he should also treat both side people as his own. In young age it may be feel pleasure but day by day they realize little bit little about the importance of relatives by that time they will not turn or available due to the age.
    Major reason for the misunderstanding for the girlside is understanding the husband side family practices. Here they should realize that when we access and abide by the rules and regulations in the office/workplace, it is not hard or difficult to obey the practice of husband side. (By advising this only I made my wife so understanding and she spent her whole life -27years of married life- with pride and every relation of ourside as well her side felt bad on her depart.according to them she lived as a role model of a married girl.)

  • We could see a drastic change in the behaviour of the son towards his mother after sometime and such a change starts slowly and with the time the relationship widens due to two primary reasons the first being the wrong feed - back provided by the wife regarding his mother's behaviour in his absence and the second one is due to irritation of the wife towards mother - in - law's ' behaviour - especially due to her over reaction or over - administration. The humane - treatment to cement the bondage may be absent from both of sides.
    The husband has special fascination for his wife because of newly formed relationship apart from his fulfilment of sexual urge. The old days are forgotten when mother left no stone unturned for the fulfilment of wishes of son.
    Only with the maturity level of all the members can resolve the problem. The family - members should come forward with the open discussion so that the issues could be solved.
    An honest and sincere approach can resolve the issues amicably.

  • The statement "Maybe his wife teaches him against mother. " is really not acceptable. This kind of problem is existing in every another family at least in Indis but it is not right to blame the daughter in law for that. Her husband is adult and mature enough to think on his own about what is right and what is wrong.
    In the relationship of marriage, it is only the girl who leaves her family, her home and even many of her belongings with which she spent almost 22-25 years of her life. All these, she did not do to teach her husband but to have a happy life ahead.
    She needs love, affection and support during her initial days but in most such cases, what she receives is a pile of rituals, customs and a lot of expectations. Do you think that merely in 1 day with the transition of 'Miss' to 'Mrs.', she becomes master of all such things? No, that's not possible. And when she fails to meet the expectations of the elders in this new family, she gets criticized by them and then the war starts.
    In such situations, she expects her husband to be at her side and I do not find anything wrong in that. She left her home, her parents, siblings, everything to continue his family so cannot he supports her in her bad time!
    Actually, an understanding needs to be created between both the generations. We cannot blame anyone. The in-laws need to support and guide her rather than pouring lots of expectations on her shoulder. They need to treat her like a family and not an outsider. I myself have witnessed weird behaviors of the mother in laws for their daughter-in-laws many times. Secondly, they should also give time to the newly married couple which helps them in creating a stronger bond on understanding.
    On another side, the girl should be patient and should give time to get things normalized.

    Padmini

    Living & Learning- simultaneous processes!

  • Nothing serious in this. It is common phenomenon is mostly domestic life. This happens in animal too.
    Bottom line is your mother should understand too privacy of your brother. If she has financial dependency on him then it is understandable but otherwise she should enjoy her life way she wanted. When parents starts ignoring children or when they passes away , then kids understand importance of them. Better you keep your mother along with you if you don't have any problem.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • This problem has become almost common among many families. There is nothing new about. Even earlier this was an issue among many families. After the marriage of the son (sons) new member is added to the family. This member is a 'foreigner' as far as the son's family is concerned. This new comer has grown up in a different situation. There may exist lot of differences between the conditions of the two. These differences may be economical, educational, social, or even caste-wise. Above all the character of the new comer may not be adjustable with this family. In fact the level of education and employment have added to this problem.
    Generally there is a saying that 'two women cannot manage the same kitchen'.
    In our country the kitchen is always controlled by the woman of the family. If there are two women this controlling become difficult, because of differences in opinion. When this sort of quarrel occur the son (the husband of the new comer) will be in trouble. If he stand with his mother, his wife will start quarrelling. Perhaps this will end up in moving to a new house. This has become very common these days and has resulted in adding the number of nuclear families.
    Income of the new member also may be another reason for splitting the joint set up. In fact the system of increasing nuclear families is helping to retain a positive relationship among parents and the younger couples.
    Earlier, this had limitation. A family's income was mainly from agriculture or other joint ventures. This necessitated the joint family set up. Every one was compelled to work in the field and the produce were shared jointly.
    Hence we cannot consider the illfeeling among the new generation people just because of their attitude. The economic reasons are mainly behind it.

    tmsankaran

  • The first basic answer to this question is that, life bears bitter truths. And the truth of life before and after marriage goes like this.

    A boy born in a family, looked after by the parents and other relatives do not remember what happened when he was a child. when he grows up, starting from studies to his friends, and then career snatches his attention away from the family. but as the family still provides him, and he comes back home to the parents, things don't push us that hard.

    Once marriage takes place, the entire scenario changes. Apart from the distraction from the family towards the outside world, now there is another distraction within the family as well. A sense of guilt too works at the back of the mind of the boy, who knows that his wife isn't enjoying her parental care anymore. So, he feels jittery to enjoy that selfishly. It is just like not having the dessert offered by the mother in front of a classmate who has has come to visit the boy.
    But there are cases, where the boy continues to be the way he was with his parents ignoring the wife, and the number of such cases are more than the one we are discussing right now, especially in India. They are much more ruthless, I would say.
    Then comes the bitter truth, that whatever a family can provide to the boy, can also be provided by the wife in addition to the conjugal life that the family can't give.
    In a nutshell, the wife now replaces all the relationships, in the family and if the bond is stronger, then even friends.
    But once time passes through, this change will not appear any longer in this ugly manner. Even the family members need to understand and accept the true fact, that we marry to bring some change in our life, and now that change has come, whether the way you wanted it to happen, or not.

  • This issues are very common nowadays,
    A son / husband is placed in such a trap that if he support his mom, then he is mommas boy & if he support his wife..he is henpecked.
    How can this issue be looked into. whom to blame? Most of the time , the finger is pointed towards the Man/Husband. One need to understand that he tries very hard to keep everyone happy but at one point or the other, he needs to be with the one who he think is right.
    One think that I need to bring to the table is that :
    1. Earlier, when a girl was married, the last thing that her parents would instruct was that, from now on that's your house & you need understand and be with them till the end. But nowadays, Parents tells them that you need not worry, If you have any problem, you can come here.
    2. Every girl need to understand that, " Saan be kabi bahu thi" & "Bahu bi kabi maa banegi". - Every mother want her Daughter in law to look after her boy & every Son in law to love & look after her Son but no one wants her daughter to do chore of her husbands(Son in law) family or her son to listen to her wife ( Daughter in law.

    Thats why, The man / Husband tend to move out & stay separate from his family but need to realise that " Innu nyan, Naale ni - Today its me, Tomorrow its your turn).

    “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." — Morrie Schwartz

  • In this world, all people are not alike and every body has a different thinking and preference. This is a case you have explained here but some other cases just opposite to this are also seen where a new girl when entered to his husband's family, no one in his family accept her and even torture her. So it is just a case. All should have patience. specially husband and he should not ignore anybody either she is her mother or her wife. If on one side is her mother another side is her wife (that is new to his family) and trying to adapt herself there. Might be husband has some stress and pressure for his growing family and that's why he starts ignoring his parents. But might be in some time everything will be on its pace and he will start thinking in a new way and everything will become fine.

  • Marriage is not about two people, its about to family which are winded together on the day of the day of daughter and son.

    The best way to keep the relationship healthy between to families to talk on the issues which are they are facing and not to bother about what someone is saying. Maybe, the boy is having some personal problem as for him everything is new to him as well. As the mother is trying to adjust herself with the new environment, new family member same is with the boy as well. He is also trying his hard to coordinate with his wife and mother equally. This is the time one they have to become strength of each other and had to sit around the table, have dinner, go outdoor may be visit to a religious place is a good idea.

    If they maintain a distance from each other just by thinking that the wife is taking her son away then it will ruin their relationship. In today's life, there are so many things one has to deal with personal, social or professional. So, instead of thinking negatively and blaming on wife or daughter in law , its good to start talking and get to know each other better(Mother and daughter in law) to make a happy environment at home. This is one has to do to save the relationship otherwise to break any relationship is very easy, but its very difficult to maintain it.

  • All around us in any typical Indian family for that matter has got same issue. The logic is very simple that in some cases either mother in law literally cannot tolerate the daughter in law as she feels her importance will be less post the marriage and daughter in law feels she is more knowledgeable and practical compared to mother in law. If a boy can just try and ignore complaints from each of them and shows equal care and concern to both probably this issue can be addressed . Also both the mother in law and daughter in law should be matured enough to help each other and accept each others limitations.

    It is literally not fair enough on Boy's part to ignore his parents completely and should try to balance both of them.

  • A guy that is more independent will likely be the one to leave his parents and go after his wife words. The reason is simple, most of the Indian families put their emphasis on studies of their male child, where as they forget to teach him basic sanskars. But why earlier girls were more responsible towards in-laws and these days they are not. Let's see:
    If you try to make a general observation you will see that most of us are more familiar to our maternal families than paternal, it's because our mothers are taught since birth about sanskars, the constant teaching for respect towards elders and all that similar stuff, makes her feel responsible towards her parents, eventually she gets attached to them (mostly women are found more emotional than men). Then she does same to her daughter, where as sons are only expected to earn and fed.
    The main point is here that since a long time boys are being expected to study and earn only while a girl is taught to carry whole family together.
    As we all know time has changed, girls are treated equally to boys. They are expected to study and earn, to be independent so that she can speak for herself when needed. There is ratio that should be equally managed in girls, the ratio between her sanskar and broad mind. A mind that is unguided can lead you to unexpected destination which can be worse or good. If a girl can't manage the proportion she can't be an ideal person or daughter in law that we all have image of in our minds.
    Now the question is how can we deal with it? The husband needs to have enough brain that he can guide her wife. It should be noted that not always wife is wrong. So husband should always take side of the right thing by evaluating things with his own mind irrespective what his mother or wife speaks to him.

  • After marriage life changes a lot, for both husband and wife. First, we observed the responsibility issue. Responsibility towards the partner changes a lot. Both husband and wife become more responsible for themselves as well as their families. they think all the things in a mature way. Lifestyle and habits changed while they were in a bachelor's. Love and affection remain the same but responsibility to remain in a healthy relationship become a priority.

    Couples are in a relationship before marriage take lots of haphazard decision while after marriage they try to took decision jointly and try to respect each others decision. Before marriage they might happily spend their earnings but after marriage, they try to save their earnings for future planning.

    Life becomes a wonderful journey after marriage. Your partner's priority becomes your priority. Whatever you feel, your happiness , your bad times always easily shared by your partner. Family is playing a very important role while marriage, because two families come close to each other by knotting two couples.

  • Why do people blame the daughter in law for every friction in the family? One major point the Indian mothers forget is that one day she was also a daughter in law. If she keeps it in mind while getting her son married, then it would be easy to accept all the changes that take place in life. A girl leaves a sheltered life and comes to a new home. It's the duty of the husband and his family members to try to give a warm and affectionate atmosphere to the new member in the family. Why does the husband's family expect the daughter in law to make all the adjustments? It's an emotional crisis for a girl to leave her parents and other relations, and start staying in a new home with all the unknown people. Thus, it's the first and foremost duty of the hubby's mother to extend an emotional and loving approach towards the daughter in law. I am sure that almost a maximum number of daughters in law would blend with the new family very lovingly because her first inhibitions will gradually vanish.

    It is a problem with Indian society to blame the younger generation, especially the daughters in law. It is usually said that daughter in law must have poisoned her husband's mind against his mother? It's ridiculous. Does the husband have no brain and emotion both? Is he a kid or blind and deaf? We are not ready to accept that there are mothers who are very frightened about losing their position in their son's life. It is sheer selfishness. Mother and wife have a different role to play, then why there is a comparison.

    A statement is made that at present, the sons behave badly after marriage. They become more caring towards their wife. One must learn to accept that in earlier days, ladies were not that educated. They accepted bad behaviour in marital home as their fate. Today's daughters in law will not accept any ill-treatment because of their education which gives them self-confidence. They have learnt not to remain oppressed any more. Today's men do not believe in apathy towards their wife, so they judge every situation at home impartially. Neither they are mamma's boy nor henpecked husband. They know how and when to raise their voice against ill-treatment of anyone by the other one. There are mothers as well as wives who have a dual personality, so it is not right to pass judgement blindly without going deep into a matter. Mothers must have confidence upon their son and love the daughter in law wholeheartedly.

    No son would like to remain away from their parents, but these days it's common because no one wants family stress after a hectic work pressure. If there is no compromise from either side, then it leads to divorce, which is again a huge emotional loss. In most of the cases, the mothers who complain against their daughter in law are of a double standard. They react differently when their daughter faces the same kind of situation in her marital life but has a cunning attitude towards the daughter in law, which the son can easily differentiate.

    In a family, everyone needs to extend helping hand, have open arms to accept every member and give up a selfish motive as well as give up exercising personal rights. If mothers in law become the support system of their daughter in law, then no family would have any discord. Let our attitude change and make a peaceful living for every family member.

    shampasaid

  • There is a change in the relationship after marriage as the author has mentioned here, that sons intend to ignore their parent post marriage. Yes, it happens!
    Before marriage son is taken care off by his mother. She looks after everything which he wants, for example, breakfast to start with, next comes his clothes, which are to be washed and which one are to be ironed, his lunch for the office, etc. When the salary day comes the salary is given to the mother by her son, a routine before son's marriage.
    But the day he is married these are responsibilities are automatically transferred to the wife of the son (the daughter in law). She now takes care off her husband's requirements and the mother is left alone. Mother thinks that her son who was solely dependent on her has been snatched away by her daughter in law (which mostly in our India society brought by the mother in law herself through arrange marriage).
    It is just a feeling of being neglected by the mother which brings in all the negativity in the family.
    I am not saying that all the fault is of the mother of the son, sometimes the son also gets carried away in emotional attachment towards his wife who happens to be a new member in the family and he thinks that it is his moral duty to take care of this new member.
    Problems can be sorted out if post marriage the responsibilities are divided between the mother and the wife tactfully and keeping both emotionally in the hook. Being the husband the son should ask for clothes from his wife and mother who has experience in kitchen should be given the responsibility to see what has to be prepared in the kitchen (mind it she has to keep control with the help of the new member i.e. the bride). I bet there will be no trouble!

    Regards,
    Nadeem Naqvi


    World without God is Zero without One!


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