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  • Category: Mental Health

    Depression caused after marriage


    suffering from depression after marriage? Looking out for marital advice and further course of action? Our ISC experts shall provide you with advice and guidance which will enable you to decide how to live your life.

    I am an 27 yr old women.i got married 8 months back and my mother in law is an arthritis patient. After marriage, her behavior was very weird, that every night she used to wake us up saying she got some headache and stomach pain etc creating nonsense. We are unable to predict her behavior. She is not accepting me as daughter in law, inspite of caring for her so well. So I got frustrated one day and argued with my husband about this behavior. We decided to keep her in a separate house, as she is getting irritated every time in my presence. Now my husband, in his terms, some times arguing that what she made is a mistake and some times he says because of you I kept my mother separately. We have been quarrelling about this issue for about 4 months and there is no peace of mind.
    He says that he couldn't change his mother's mind to accept me. Instead he is saying me to adjust with his mother at any cost. Me and my parents are depressed a lot about my marriage life and confused whether to stay in relationship or not. They are not demanding any money or any requirement inspite of asking them many times.
    What to do?
  • Answers

    9 Answers found.
  • I understand your plight and the situation you are going through.

    Marriage is a matter of great understanding between two people and there is a lot of compromise and accommodation to be done from the both sides. As a girl your situation is more vulnerable as in line with our customs you have left your parents house to settle in the house of your husband. The situation in your husband's house is only be known to you after your joining here.

    Please remember that no mother in law treats her daughter in law as her own daughter and it is the fact of the life we have to accept. In fact many of the them after the marriage of their son start feeling the sharing of attention of their son with the newly incumbant girl in the house. They can not tolerate this sharing.

    Your husband will also be torn between you and his mother. You keep yourself in his position and will come to know his predicament.

    It is said that a lady is responsible to make a house as a happy home. She has the capability and capacity to do that. Just see how your mother raised you and other members of the family with her sacrifices and hard work. Now you are the houselady of this house and you are supposed to manage the show with the only help from your husband. No one else will come to help you.

    You have to tolerate the behaviour of your mother in law and manage it in a psychological fashion.

    If you are able to take care of the whole family, your husband will also have enhanced respect for you. To get something in life you have to sacrifice also.

    There is no other way to go ahead. Disintegration will bring more destruction and your life will be shattered. Only way is to create bonding and love between the family members.

    Knowledge is power.

  • As far as I understand, the same lady member had earlier asked the same/similar question. Many members had given valuable advice to the lady. I advise the questioner to follow the previous advice. Asking the similar question again and again won't help.

    I request the questioner to go through the advice given in response to her earlier question and try to follow the advice. If following the advice is not possible, then she would have to take the unfortunate decision of separation.

    Beware! I question everything and everybody.

  • Life of a girl changes drastically after the marriage. She goes to an entirely new environment where she has to adjust a lot. Many girls can not adjust due to various reasons and situation of divorce is also very common.

    I feel that husband and wife should sit together and work out some solution inspite of all the odds in their life. Fighting and quarreling will not bring any solution to the daily confrontations. You can not change the elder people in the house. They are already habitual of a particular life style.

    Another solution which comes in my mind is you also try for a job and be away from the house in the day time and engage a servant to take care of your mother in law during the day. That will give you some relief and she will also be subdued to some extent in her aggressive and irritating behaviour.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • The mother feels that the wife is taking away her beloved son from her. That is how the problem starts. In our life we have to get adjusted to many things. A girl once she gets married her whole atmosphere will get changed . New environs, new people and all new. She requires a lot of support from the husband to get settled. But the boy will also have a problem between the mother and wife. This is the situation in any family.
    A better understanding between the wife and husband will make the life easy.
    I suggest you have a detailed discussion with your husband and see that he will have full faith in your words. You try to accommodate your mother in law and try to adjust with her. He make up your mind in such a way that you have to treat her as your mother irrespective of her behaviour. Initially you will have some tough time. But during the course of time definitely your husband will start giving you more importance and your mother in law will also adjust and cooperate with you. You should have some patience for a few months till all the situations will come to your grip.
    If you are employed and going to office see that there will be somebody in the house to take care of your mother in law. Tha will take load from you and she will also have a person during your absence in your absence.
    Definitely you will have good time shortly if you have patience for a few more days.

    drrao
    always confident

  • Marriage is a bond of love between the couples. Both husband and wife will get the number of persons as relatives on the instant of marriage. This should be maintained well by both husband and wife to have a peaceful life. In this world we cannot live independently without anybody's support. We are dependent to others somehow or others. Even when we go to office/factory we have to oblige the superiors, we have to follow rules and regulations of the office / factory. We have no right to violate or question the rules framed by them. Similar to this we have to abide and follow the rules and custom followed in our family we have to consider the relations as ours. Your father in law and mother in law are equal to your parents and it is the duty of you to take care of them at least to some possible extent though they have sons. Similar responsibility is on your wife in case of your parents. Though she lived in a different circumstances she have to follow your traditional customs. If any of you violates or opposes the peace of mind in both of you will get vanished.

  • I do appreciate your present crisis and only your farsightedness can resolve the present situation. You can understand the psycology of your mother - in - law. She is somehow or the other is not comfortable with your presence in the household and she is under the impression that someone in the family is diluting the bond of affection that was nurtured by her. It is the common psycology of most of mother - in - law in the Indian family.
    In fact, you have to solve the problem with some tactfulness. Take your husband in confidence with the frank dialogue and how the situation can be reversed so as to create a congenial atmosphere at home. I must say that you should behave with your mother - in - law as if she is your own mother. Take care of every thing she desires and if there is any obstruction in the fulfilment of her wishes, the same is to be explained politely. Your closeness and humble behaviour will change her heart, though it may take sometime. Win the confidence of your husband as well by appreciating his feelings and shower your due love.
    Your husband could see your behaviour how her mother is being treated with due affection and definitely situation would turn in your favour with the application of prudence.

  • That's a very normal situation which prevails in almost every home. I don't think you should panic as this is every girl story that her mother in law doesn't like her and this is what you need to understand that she will not love you like your own mother. No mother-in-law does it. The best part of your story is that they are not demanding anything for you and your family. It seems they dont have greed for money otherwise your life would have been hell.

    I think you should tolerate her in a hope that her behaviour will change in future. It's not good to have a tensed relationship with your husband regarding the issue or may be you can keep her in the same house if yours but on a different floor so that she may not interfere much in your married life and simultaneously your husband may look after her.

    It's you who only can decide how to make the situation better otherwise the things will get worse with the time. You should talk to your husband in this regard and should act fast before things get worse.

    Sanjeev

    " It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not" ... Andre Gide

  • Thank you all for your response....every body here are saying that...I have to adjust with my mother in law and as a daughter in law I have to mould her...but please....this is a very stearo type advice....why can't she change her mind ....and why wouldn't she try to love me and treat me like her son....if she can't accept her daughter in law and look after me like her child, she shouldn't accept the marriage.in my question, I mentioned that inspite of treating her well, she is not accepting me....that means my treatment towards her is good...but still she is trying to make our relationship get detatched .if a mother in law is not good at her responsibility towards a daughter in law...she should saperate from us and have to live as she liked...your answers here still boost every mother in law who are reading this and still make them strong in I'll treating their daughter in laws.

  • Hello,
    Answer this and will help you better way.
    1. Did you have Arrange marriage or Love marriage?
    2. How old is your Mother in Law and are there any other members in family staying with you?
    3. Are you working woman?
    4. Do you have child?

    Answering all above will make some sense for attitude of your in law towards you.
    You do not require tolerate anyone in life. Basically you need to understand , any independent earning man or woman will not tolerate nonsense. So this like this way how are you contributing to growth of new family? There are various option your mother in law can be treated through full time maid. Your husband and you both can counsel to psychiatrist. You both need to have patience and solve matter together.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful


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