You must Sign In to post a response.
  • Category: Marriage

    Be in Marriage or get separated


    Confused between continuing married life or getting separated? Searching for advice and help to resolve this issue? Scroll through this page and get solid advice from our ISC experts and decide what to do ahead.

    I got married to a boy with whom I was steady from last 10 years. He was short tempered but used to respect me and care about me a lot. But since we got married I have seen a lot of changes in his behaviour, his family attitude and behaviour towards his reactions.
    There is a huge difference between those 10 years snd these 6 months. We are fighting on daily basis. Our marriage is not a normal one. I have gone against my parents whim as they were not agree. From last 8 months i am under lot of mental pressure.
    I dont know whether to know about nature and behaviour of his family members or him or myself. At times I just got stuck between whether I am wrong in judging them or I need to get changed. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't be in this relationship.
  • Answers

    9 Answers found.
  • Perhaps the human personality remains the most complicated to understand with a note that this remains highly unpredictable too but when considering the relationships within the two or more than this will come out to with even more unpredictable & suspicious than one can imagine to his or her capabilities & experiences.

    There can be many other ways in which this can be looked at & therefore pl. go through the below options as well,

    1. In the current context the situation is really worse more essentially when the victim is not independent to the expenses & savings but in case the victim is independent for managing the expenses & savings than the situations can well be taken care of in the positive ways. It would be good to look out for the other options & prepare yourself accordingly when the overall situation doesn't seem to improve.

    2. In case the author is staying with the family is a joint family than make an effort to stay independently so as to get everything balanced? This could be a better option as there wouldn't be much interference from the other family members on daily basis. This is quite logical because when there is more mouth than there seem to be more sayings & than creating an understanding within all those wouldn't be an easy task.

    3. Have you tried to figure out of the exact reason that led to such nuisances in the relationship?

    This would be practical to get remind of that we are driven with the different priorities prior to marriages & after the marriages as we are in some sort of fantasy land which is away from the realities of life & where everything looks good & promising & therefore it would be good to understand this fact in the minimum possible duration of time.

    Going ahead with court solutions is what I wouldn't suggest but then should be the last option that one should keep in the mind.

  • Marriage is the union of two persons. One cannot expect the same behavior with the spouses for ever. As the time goes and persons getting aged the conduct and behavior spouses also changes with the time. You have only indicated the problems faced by you and what is your expectation from your spouse. In order to understand each other better you should also know partners expectation from you.

    Separation is not the solution to the problem. You could talk to each other and share the problems. There are possibilities that your partner may not be aware of your problem at all. By sharing your problem with him, there are possibilities that he could correct himself. He may also have complaints against you and you could correct the same.

    "If you don’t understand my silence, you will not understand my words"
    Unknown

  • You have not made it clear whether you are living with your in laws or separately with the boy. Anyway, I do not consider that as an input and will analyze it on the data provided by you only. I have not got any data from the boy's angle and I have to accept on the face value of what you have submitted.

    Married life is a contract for commitment to each other. It is not childs play. The physical attraction will subside soon and what is required is respect and sacrifice for each other. From your narration it appears that neither you nor the boy has a consent for this marriage from the parents and you were supposed to be on your own after the marriage. When you take big decisions in life like that then there are certain setbacks expected as you lose the affection and care of your parents and then you feel bad about it and become irritated or aggressive and show your anger at the wrong person. Same thing is happening in your case.

    Generally parents accept these things after a gap but you must give them the respect they deserve. If you neglect or ignore them you will have no right to ask their help in your life.

    So think coolly about this. Are you ready to respect your in laws as they deserve it. If yes, this may change the behaviour of the boy. Try it as it works in many cases.

    Another important aspect is what are your expectations from each other. Are you able to meet them or are failing them miserably. If two people can not live in coordination and harmony then there is no way except to separate out.

    Life gives us ample chances to improve ourselves and we must take advantage of this fact and try to bring back the sweetness in our relations. I believe that if you try to be cordial and accommodative the boy will also start reciprocating it.

    If nothing works and the boy continues his aggressive and indifferent behaviour then you have to talk to him frankly and then if both are on the same conclusions go for divorce as there is no point in living with a person without understanding, good relations and faith.

    Knowledge is power.

  • With the circumstances you are facing, it seems to strenuous one and to remedy the situation, you may try the following things.
    1) Talk straightway to your fiancé and apprise him of your displeasure because of changed attitude. Ask him to be sensible, care taking and desist from anger.
    2) Remind him of the bad consequences that may crop up if you couple are blessed with a child. The child would study the the environment and he too may behave harshly in such circumstances.
    3) Excess mental stress will develop between you and partner in the time ahead resulting in mental breakdown. It may also happen to either of you depending upon individual sensibility.
    4) You couple have to hear a lot of adverse comments from your friend circle because of strained relationship.
    5) Both of you will mentally insecured thereby distorting the mental peace.


  • I am assuming that you are a sufficiently educated and employed woman. With this assumption, I am proceeding. I made this assumption because you mentioned that you were steady with the boy for 10 years before the marriage.
    Ten years is more than enough for getting to know each other. Marriage requires mutual respect and understanding. Some compromises from both sides are also necessary to have a happy married life. Reality is far different from expectations. First, introspect yourself and find whether your expectations from him changed after the marriage. They do change a lot for both of you. Make sure what is that you are expecting from him. Put yourself in his position and think about how you might have behaved in similar situations. This may help to some extent.
    Think of the common issues about which both of you have arguments on a daily basis. Think about how best they could have been avoided by both of you. Have a peaceful talk but not an argument with your husband and try to come to an understanding to avoid such fights. Both of you have a peaceful talk and resolve your problems.

    If nothing comes out after a fair trial to resolve your problems, it is better for both of you to think about separating. Consider your own ability to live by yourself after separation. Do not expect any help from your parents. If it comes it is well and good. This advice may look a bit harsh but practically the best. It is better to live as friends by separating than fighting each day as foes in the house. This will adversely affect the children you may have in the future.


    " Be Good and Do Good "

  • You didn't mention that if you are living in a joint family or not. If you are then, try to convince your husband to live separately. If he agrees then most of your problems will get resolved.

    It happens in everyone's life as in the starting it takes time for a couple to understand each other's behaviour. So don't worry and don't think of separation as 6 months are too less to think about the same. Give yourself some more time and try to adjust. I know it may be very stressful for you to live in such a situation but looking after your past as you have married this person against the wish of your parents so you cannot go back to your parents as it would be tough. So better is to give some more time and if the situation doesn't change then think of the separation.

    Sanjeev

    " We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
    – Abraham Lincoln

  • The question lacks essential details. So, proper guidance can't be given. Many Members have already given many useful suggestions. I would like to say that as you have known your husband ten long years before the marriage, you should give your marriage a try.

    Please try to introspect whether you have any fault in this continuous quarrel. Please try to think about how can you improve your own behaviour. Discuss with your husband in a rational but free manner. Take the advice of such persons whom both of you trust. Lastly, take the help of a marriage counselor.

    If all these efforts fail, only then think about separation.

    'Nayak nahin; Khalnayak hoon main' (I am not the hero; I am the villain)

  • What if he has some different opinion for his own privacy and my privacy. If he check my phone and on asking why he does so he become defensive and says, Will u stop me from touching your phone. And on the other hand when i touch his phone he instantly snatch it and behaves rudely. What if he never sit with me to discuss any thing about what is going wrong.

  • Instead of your repeated advice to mend the ways of your husband, you may resort to the last step ie with the consultation of an experienced lawyer, proceed for the divorce. Though it may add further tension to you initially but it is always better to take such a step so that ultimately your confidence is restored.
    You may witness some favourable time sooner or later when some one will come to you with an offer of marriage - alliance. Wait for the minimum time to be maintained for the court - proceedings and you may tie knot after the lapse of that period. You will have to be careful this time in assessing his complete personality, reliability and sound financial status so as to take up the responsibility of family in an effective manner.


  • Sign In to post your comments