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  • Category: Marriage

    Divorce ( Mutual or Contested)


    Facing a marital issue regarding divorce and want to know the clarification of terms: mutual and contested? Looking out for advice to resolve the issue and prepare forward plan of action? Scroll through this page where out ISC experts shall provide you ample advice and guidance.

    I am a man married in 2014 & having 2 Kids( Girls). Now it is unbearable to continue as day by day the situations got worse.
    We are 6 Siblings ( 5 Elder sisters + 1 me the youngest). Mom is 80 years old. Mine was a well arranged marriage & She is well educated girl (M.Com-Finance but not working). She was the same from the starting month but I thought she would change & adjust with the family but this never happened . I am working abroad. My mom is only at home(Kerala). My sisters are all married & settled in Mumbai & Mangalore & visit native during their children vacation or any ceremony / Festival. But my wife dont want them to come as she need to do the house chore when they are there but with only mom she acts stubborn & she doesn't say anything but goes as it is going. I dont say my mom is very quiet ...She too grumbles as every mother in law but is still active in doing everything.
    From the first day itself she started behaving as she knows everything & is a good actor. Good in talking but not in doing. She feels as if she is doing favor to us by doing work. She says her Parents have told her not to do outside work till my mom is there.
    I faced many ugly arguments & I even told my father in law that all is not well & i need to talk to him but he never got time for the same.
    For the 2nd child delivery , she went home in the 5th month & didn't inform me or my mom about the delivery. When their relatives told them, that's when they called me as a formality. Even the naming of the child I came to know through facebook. I stopped sending money to her for expense after she left our home.
    This December they even filed petition in the women cell instead of coming home for any discussion.
    Now Everyone in the village knows about this & I feels its the time we need to part as I think the water has crossed the head. Even if we continue for our children's sake, it will put a bad effect on their mental behavior due to constant fight.
    Please guide?
  • Answers

    6 Answers found.
  • It is very difficult to give suggestions after hearing the story from one side but assuming that you have put the things in their normal perspective without adding anything from your side we can consider the case on its merit.

    Marriage is a contract of commitment and mutual respect and sacrifice. One thing which the male partner must think is that the wife is not the servant of the house and she will only toil from morning to evening if the family can not afford the maid servants or full time servants. I am surprised why your wife had not gone for a job in spite of being so much qualified. That way she could had avoided long hours of confrontation with the mother in law in the house. Please remember that after the marriage a girl goes to the house of his husband and starts living there. For her it is a new place and the habits of all the people will be strange to her. The expectation of the family members from her will also be a bit surprising for her. In such a situation she is to be slowly absorbed in the new set up rather to be tackled in a rough and stern way. I do not know what was her initial experience in your house and what is the affect of that on her mind.

    It is very clear whether it is her fault or the environment of your house which made her to detach from you and finally take shelter in the house of her parents. Please note that a married lady as per our culture goes back to her parents as a last resort. Have you ever thought these crucial points or just thinking that she should bow under your supremacy.

    Now the situation has gone too far but still you can talk to her in a place other than your house and her parents house and just see whether there is any residual love and attachment exists between you and then you can mutually start a new set of conditions and understanding to live together. If it does not work then there is no way other than separation and the family court will decide the other modalities like sharing of children and payment of monthly maintenance allowance to the wife if admissible under the law in this condition.

    Knowledge is power.

  • This is the story of every house. Small arguments between mother-in-law and wife I very normal and persists in the starting when the bride come to the house. Mine was also an arranged marriage and I too went through this phase but with the time everything got normal and of course, it reduced through the collective effort of mine and my wife as it's very difficult to change the nature of old people so it's better to change yourself.

    In your case, of course, the water has crossed above the head and you need to talk to your wife as well as your mother. You should convince your wife that she is not a servant and assure her that she doesn't have to do the household chores herself when your sister and their children come on vacations. You may keep a maid for the same. Also, you can keep a full-time caretaker for your mother if your budget permits.

    In this case actually, you will have to take the bold decision like you will have to keep your kitchen separate. Maybe with this, your wife will agree and after this also she doesn't agree then you will have to knock the doors of the court and the court will decide the custody of the kids and monthly maintenance you will have to pay to your wife.

    Sanjeev

    " We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
    – Abraham Lincoln

  • After you married how long both of you stayed together. After marriage, you went abroad and your wife stayed with your mother. You are coming once in a while from abroad. This is what I think. Any lady wants to stay with her husband after marriage. But in your case, she has to stay with her mother in law. She has to attend works in the house as well as outside works also. There is nobody with her to tell her problems. If you were with her every day she might have discussed her problems and you might have consoled her. As there is nobody with her, she may be conveying everything to her parents and she may be taking their advice. Why did you not considered her taking abroad with you after marriage? Before marriage did you discuss with her about the arrangements that you will go abroad and she may have to stay with your mother. Why did you not thought of arranging a maid in the house to take care of your mother so that your wife will have some free time?
    You have two daughters. If you both get separated, these two girls have to stay with only one parent. This will demotivate them. So it is your duty to see that both of you will be together.
    You come to India and talk to your wife personally by going to her parent's house. Discuss with her all the matters. You have to see that both of you will stay together either here or abroad but not separately. This is the first and foremost action you have to take. If you feel that your mother can't stay alone arrange a servant maid full time to take care of her. Otherwise, you come back to India. Stay with your wife and mother. Take care of your wife also. DOn't think that she has come to your house to serve you and your people. Once you decide to stay together tell her the same thing. No Indian lady will say no to this. They always will be happy with children and husband when they stay together.
    If you are not ready for this the problem will be there and then you have to go for divorce. But by doing this you are ditching your wife and two innocent children.

    drrao
    always confident

  • But you are living abroad….is what I am not comfortable about. In addition, why you are so negative about your partner then?

    As per the description, your wife was with your Mother who is quite aged & therefore unusual transactions may continue to take place most of the time which would be all the way irritating to both the sides and therefore blaming onto one side shouldn't be ok for whatsoever reasons.

    Not going into the complications, let's talk on about what could be the solutions here so as to improve the situation wherein the understanding matters a lot within the different family members. For instance,

    In the first place, do some arrangements in order to live with each other & not alone. For this either you can bring your wife to your location or try searching for the job nearby to the location of your native land. This will help in releasing the rigidity within and at the same time will allow understanding through frequent communications.

    The five daughters can be asked to keep their mother with them at least for some time which will make them pleasurable when in touch.

    In case of any differences of your partner with your mother than arrange to live apart & to the nearby location so to keep the differences lowering & at the same time let your wife busy with her hobbies or in case she is interested onto with some job.

    Lastly, I would ask you to pl. use yourself in the place of your wife & than try to look out for the reasons of the differences and then try to work on the possible solutions.

    In the last & still if anyone of you are not able to cope up with the circumstances than do as find applicable but at the same time keeping into mind of the repercussions on either sides due to the involvement of the children.

  • Sad about your situation.

    My thinking before getting into relationships everyone should talk to each other & be very clear about these points :

    1. What you wanted to do after getting into a relationship Job or further study or housewife. (Willingness of both partners).
    2. What are you expecting from me?
    3. Are you fine with my current job & financial status?
    4. Are you personally interested in me or you are accepting the force of your parents?
    5. About kids, when we have to plan, or we have to adopt (willingness).
    6. Openly talk about sex & opinion.
    7. About combined family or stay away from family or separate family (be clear about this)
    8. About financial like what are the debts, requirements of each other, how to split the monthly salary.
    9. where to finally settle, independent house in like Mumbai, Delhi, Bangalore, etc.
    10. Like how often we have to get alone time, going on a trip, spend time with each other, etc.
    11. why actually we want to get into a relationship

    These are some points to be discussed before getting into a relationship, Looks like silly but these are very important things which judge your life.

    a) Now coming to your situation, one thing I wanted to know whether you are staying with your wife or away since you got married?

    b) See the women she leaves everything like their parents & surroundings and comes with you after marriage, she needs the soothing from your side all the time.

    c) We mean boys/Men at the job will meet & spend time with outsiders & shall spend our time during weekends going to movies, etc. But wife she doesn't go anywhere without husband, even she goes out she feels lonely by seeing most of them will come with their husbands & kids.

    d) If she is alone at home without you every girl/woman will feel like why we have to work for mother-in-law & their relatives. & in this situation who knows she is treated well.

    e) On the positive side, if we think she was taking care by your sisters & mother-in-law. why she is suddenly behaving like this. If she is behaving like this before why you didn't take any action when you were with her.

    f) Just imagine after marriage, we mean husbands going to the wife's house and wife go away to the US and you working at home. Just think of her place when you are out/away from her.

    g) she was well educated & why you didn't allow her to work.

    Here in your case, your mistake is very high according to my thinking.

  • Before taking any harsh step against her, you need to sit closely with her and discuss the prevailing issues. You may convince her that hurting someone in the family would not create a healthy environment essential for a normal family.
    Be a little elaborating giving some evidences where a family has crumbled due to strained relationship and this nature could change the mind - frame of her kids which would not be conducive to their normal growth.
    Ask her to persue the hobbies enhancing her personality and by cultivating such habits, in due course of time, her mind may change with some positivity in the ensuing time.
    You allow her to accompany you whenever you go for outings especially in some friend's residence and provide her oppurtunities to have frank discussions with the wife of your friend. A regular trip to different family would definitely help her in changing her attitudes considerably.


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