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  • Category: Parenting

    Pros and cons of being an unmarried girl for lifetime


    Wondering if it is a good decision if girls do not get married? Searching for a detailed list of pros and cons of this concept? On this Ask Expert page scroll through the responses from experts for your queries.

    I have two daughters. Elder one is 14 years old and the age difference between both girls is 11 years. I am not very happy and satisfied with my marriage (though it is not too worst if I compare with others). But seriously I don't want my girls to get married ever in their life. I just want both of them to study hard, achieve good heights in their career and be with each other only. They can adopt a baby girl in their 30s to enjoy motherhood. But I will never force my girls to fulfill my this wish. Final decision will be theirs only.

    One more thing. I want both of them to migrate from India and settle in Canada, Australia or any other developed country as I think that India is not a good country for girls. Woman empowerment is just a topic to discuss here. A woman can never be empowered in this country.

    Now my question is- Am I right or not with such a mentality? What will be pros and cons if my girls remain unmarried for their lifetime?
  • Answers

    11 Answers found.
  • I am happy that you are a much caring mother and also considering your daughters' decision as well. Though I haven't reached a certain level to answer your question, if not wrong I would like to share my views on this.

    You are right! India is not a safe place to live single and unmarried girl. At the same time, I'm unsure about other countries too. Because other countries have different cultures followed. Neither agreed for unmarried nor suggesting for married but it will be a little difficult to survive without family support in the future from my opinion.

    Pros could be they don't need to be dependant on life partner and they can take their own decision.
    Cons may be proposals and disturbance from the opposite gender at/after a certain age.

  • Many women in our country might be dreaming of what you are proposing for your daughters. There is absolutely nothing wrong in your proposition if your daughters approve it in a longer perspective.

    Marriage is not only a physical relationship meant for reproduction and preserve the human species. It is much more than that. The soft love and it's manifestation between two adults is a gift of nature to us and that is the motivating force for the physical relationship for reproduction. To be in love with someone is a divine feeling and those who are deprived of it may one day repent in their life about it. Another aspect is to be a mother. Nature has given this responsible but pleasant task to women and the love, affection and caring of baby gives her the utmost pleasure and being a mother you might be knowing it better.

    It is true that due to reasons of incompatibility sometimes the married life becomes bitter but I have seen many happy families where love and affection between the couple and children is a life time treasure. So taking a decision of not getting married and live singly is to be taken after a good thought. If the husband and wife have understanding, sacrifice and faith with each other life will be very happy and joys.

    Today your daughters are not grown up. Let them become adult and then think about these things seriously. They may not appear to be in synchronisation with you in this matter. It is not easy to circumvent the infatuation of young minds.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Whether to get married or not is the choice of individuals. As a parent, you can share your thoughts and you can suggest your ideas to them but let them take the final decision. Already you have mentioned that you will leave the final decision to them. That way it is good.
    In India only the value for marriage. It is a lifetime association. Once a boy and girl get married they should understand each other and try to be accommodative to each other. Then only the life after marriage will be happy. Both should go amicably giving respect to others. Otherwise, problems will. One should understand that not only a wife and husband but even parents and children will also have a difference of opinion. But the relations should be respected and we should continue our relationship. If both are having egos and if they think the other one is wrong. Then there will be many problems.
    My opinion is anywhere in the world the conditions will be the same. But the culture differs. In other countries also there are problems and they may be much more than in our country. So the decision of staying in India or getting settled abroad should also be left to your daughters.

    drrao
    always confident

  • I do appreciate your ideas but one thing is very clear that you have intense love for your daughters. Let me extrapolate the role of a mother- a wise mother should inculcate the sense of responsibility within their children and should apply proper reasoning in course of taking decision. Their child's should be taught to be practical, not over sentimental nor cunning either. I think you are taking care of these parameters.
    Now to ask your daughters not to be married throughout their lives does not appear to be a matured decision. A healthy relationship between men and women does not indicate mere sexual relationship, but on the other hands both can be source of inspiration and may prove to be the guiding force of mutual attraction. A healthy relationship between the two sexes can revitalise their staminas and can strengthen the relationship.
    I think beyond a certain point especially being remained unmarried should not be uttered from your end. Let them take decision of their own and in that way, your daughters will pay you highest regard.
    Your opinion regarding the safe place, I don't think Canada and Austalia are better in terms of safety, it is purely a relative thing. It depends upon many factors but even in India your daughters may enjoy blissful life after marriage provided you help them in selection of right matches.

  • The new generation is very free and independent in taking their personal decisions and they will not like the interference or direction from parents in this matter. I will not advise to bias the girls in this matter at this tender age as there is a danger of psychological aberrations to enter in their life. Life is to be lead in the way as nature has provided to us and anything against the rules of nature may not be conducive to the development and grooming of the girls.

    Let us wait and watch their growing up and when they become sufficiently self reliant then we should discuss these things with them and ask their interest or inclination in the matter. What is their feelings about opposite sex and how they take the company of a man in their life - these are the crucial things which are to be well understood before taking any extreme decision in the matter. The girls can have same or entirely different perspective for the issue and we can not expect same behaviour from the both.

    Being a woman, I know what it is to be like a mother and what is motherhood and the love of children means to us. So we should not be deprived of our natural right which is the sweet nectar of the nature. I agree that sometimes family life may not be very friendly and smooth but it does not mean that we should simply discard it for that reason. Good relations are in our hands and we can enjoy family life also as a large number of people are enjoying in this world.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • Answering your questions
    1.Am I right or not with such a mentality?
    Apologizes for being frank. You are completely wrong with your thoughts, you current hardships, the failure or difficulties of your marriage has instilled a sense of fear in your mind and hence your thoughts and wishes are biased and clouded.

    2. I just want both of them to study hard, achieve good heights in their career and be with each other only.

    We should raise our children with all the love and freedom we can give them. Let them choose and decide once they are mature enough to understand marriage. Who knows, they can have a happy married life, all that you wanted and did not get. Hope is eternal and we should be positive about such things.

    3.I think that India is not a good country for girls.
    With regards to this comment, India is as good or as bad as any other country. It depends on how we interact in society and how we grow up. Every country or city has its own share of crimes against women and access to life-changing habits or addictions. If we bring up our girls strong enough to face it and lead their lives as appropriate to the time, place and situation, then they would be safe.

    4.What will be pros and cons if my girls remain unmarried for their lifetime?

    The so-called pros and cons would be dependent on their perspective of life and the concept of family. In general, the remaining single gives a whole lot of freedom over choice, time, travel and finances. But as age advances, one would realize the value of companionship and a home full of loved ones to come back to. Yes, family life is not always rosy but it's part of the experience.

    I would suggest, have a positive attitude, you are doing an excellent job of raising two daughters, seek some thoughts and inputs from close friends or even a counselor, it would help you to tide over and have a different outlook.

  • You can only propose but the final choice is of your daughter to get married. You cannot judge that all marriages are not good because yours is not. It's good to know that you want your daughters to study hard and achieve heights.

    In our country society doesn't accept if a girl doesn't marry. Two of my cousins didn't marry and now at the age of 60 years, they don't have someone with whom they can feel secure as their parents have died many years back and their brother don't keep them. They are highly educated and were in a government job and getting a good pension so financially they are not bothered. Of course, they didn't adopt a kid maybe that's the biggest folly they did in their life because as of now they are not socially secured.

    It's right that women in India are not treated better than they are in developed countries like Australia and Canada but they have their problems which we may not know.

    I would advise that don't force them what they will do in the future as they are too small as of now. I understand after looking at your present you may not be wanting them to marry but it's not the case that all marriages don't turn worse.

    Sanjeev

    " We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
    – Abraham Lincoln

  • Problems in life are for all. When you say, marriage brings problems in the life of females, then you are wrong. Even unmarried girls also face different types of problems including both physical as well as mental.
    Being a parent, we just need to put all our efforts into making them capable to face all the problems, does not matter whether they are married or not.
    Problems with female gender are existing in other countries also so it would be better to teach how to fight rather than to teach how to escape. This will help them for life long.

    The question about marriage should be solely their decision. I request you not to deliver your sufferings to their mind. Marriage is a beautiful relation and if two mature, understanding people get tied to each other in this relation, life becomes beautiful.
    After a certain age, when they will see their friends getting married and enjoying their life happily, they may blame you for their sufferings of being single.

    Padmini

    Living & Learning- simultaneous processes!

  • Your thoughts are somewhat wrong but not entirely. Few woman do love marriage and they are responsible for their future. Most time parents get cursed in arrange marriage if it fails. So instead of not marrying there is choice that woman can intuit is the guy proposing is really good and then decide. Mostly boys who are really loving girl wait till they wanted. So basically girls should test all patience of guy before marrying.
    Other question was letting settle abroad , It is absolutely right to do that as there is no barrier of gender bias. So if at not marrying is choice then settling abroad would be good option. Ultimately you are thinking too early. Anyways you are putting decision on girls so let time flow and things get happen.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • I liked the points mentioned by mr. Natarajan, & a good post for suggestion. Now coming to my points that i have to make are :

    1. I don't want my girls to get married ever in their life. But I will never force my girls to fulfill my this wish. Final decision will be theirs only.
    - You have kept the choice to your children & that is a welcome note, but what made you think this way. You have mentioned that you were not very happy and satisfied with your marriage (though it is not too worst if I compare with others). It's actually how you take it. There are always ups and down in a relationship, the divorce cases are increasing but that is only one side. There are many ideal families that can be looked on.

    2. I just want both of them to study hard, achieve good heights in their career and be with each other only.
    - This is always the first preference of all parents. We want our children to have all the facilities which we lagged. A good decision.

    3. They can adopt a baby girl in their 30s to enjoy motherhood.
    - Do you think, just to enjoy motherhood, they need to adopt. Can the bonding be the same. The one who carried for 9 months always have a special attachment to the kid than an adopted parents. Now, I am not comparing to the couples who cannot become parents due to one or other reason. Do have a second thought.

    4. I want both of them to migrate from India and settle in Canada, Australia or any other developed country as I think that India is not a good country for girls. Woman empowerment is just a topic to discuss here. A woman can never be empowered in this country.
    - You really think so? Not me. Our culture & traditions are much better. Now just because, we hear or read about rapes, etc, and saying your children will be safer in other countries is wrong. Every where in the world has some or the other problems. Bullying, rapes, pervertness, terrorism, racism. India is a democratic country & you have the freedom which many countries don't have. Don't you think so?

    5. Am I right or not with such a mentality?
    - There is no right or wrong. It all depends on how or what we have faced in our life. You might have had or lived in such situation that you feel so, not a problem but as they say " Grass is green on the other side", so is your thought at present.

    6.What will be pros and cons if my girls remain unmarried for their lifetime?
    Pros : They can live a free life. No one to answer & enjoy life at all stage.
    Cons : The shoulder that we look for when in trouble, will be missing & may have to depend on strangers at times.

    “Each day provides its own gifts.” —Marcus Aurelius

  • I feel that you tend to generalise from individual instances and experiences.
    I would also remind you that 'Present fears are less than horrible imaginations".

    Reading your question post the following proverbs come to my mind. - " Man proposes but God disposes"; "All that glitters is not gold"; " Far away fouls have fair feathers".

    Let me take your narrative clause by clause and explain or suggest. That will help you to understand that your problems are not that much to be worried and all will end well.

    1. "Elder one is 14 years old and the age difference between both girls is 11 years.".

    Similar situations are there in many families. I have found in many relatives homes and neighborhoods that there is a gap of 10 to 15 years between the first child and the next child. There are advantages also with this.

    2. "I am not very happy and satisfied with my marriage (though it is not too worst if I compare with others)."

    You admit that it is not as worse as others. Try to solve your marriage issues. It may as simple as closer and true communication or it may be something that needs external help from well-wishers or professional counseling. First, find a solution to your problem. That may help you to become more happy and satisfied and change your total attitude also.

    3." I don't want my girls to get married ever in their life"

    Here you are wrong. Marriage is the choice of the girls when they grow to the eligible age. It is their own clear right to marry or not and to choose whom they will marry. You should not thrust your prejudice on them. Allow them to grow to see and analyse what is real and then form their decision. How can you 'predict' how their married life will be?

    4. "I just want both of them to study hard, achieve good heights in their career and be with each other only."

    I just want both of them to study hard, achieve good heights in their career- Fantastic. Any parent will wish and facilitate for this. Please do all that is needed to fulfill this wish.
    '...and be with each other only'- Remove the only. Let them have the sisterly affection and care always. But let them also decide and have their own independent life when they grow up. Don't force choose their life based on your prejudices or one-sided opinion.

    5. "They can adopt a baby girl in their 30s to enjoy motherhood."

    This is not something to be decided now by you. They can marry or not marry. But they can also choose to have their own biological child if they want and are capable. Please do not corrupt their mind now just because you had some different experience.

    6. "But I will never force my girls to fulfill my this wish. A final decision will be theirs only."

    This is exactly what should be and this the essence of all that I explained above too.

    7. "I want both of them to migrate from India and settle in Canada, Australia or any other developed country as I think that India is not a good country for girls."

    Please do not despise your motherland. Please do not cultivate this hate on the children also. This country is home to about 120 crores of people, half or more of it is women. A few bad instances and experiences should not be generalised.
    Moreover, you cannot predict what will be the situation in those countries tomorrow. We get to read many racist murders and hatreds discrimination from there also. Migration alone does not guarantee better situations.
    Let them migrate o any country or stay back, as per the needs, requirements, and suitability of the situation at that time. Probably by that time people may be seeking to migrate to India as our country is fast developing and having a very good image abroad now.

    8. "Woman empowerment is just a topic to discuss here. A woman can never be empowered in this country."

    Sorry for your ignorance. You are making dark by keeping your eyes closed.
    India had a great woman as Prime Minister when no other so-called developed countries had so. Many such countries have not yet chosen a woman for the highest post even till today.
    Please open your mind to know about the woman empowerment in our country.

    9. "Am I right or not with such a mentality?"

    I believe you are not right in generalising from your particular personal experience. You are not right in your fear that your daughters will also have such bad experiences. You are all different persons. Moreover, you cannot predict the future.

    10. "What will be pros and cons if my girls remain unmarried for their lifetime?"

    Now the situation has not come to decide. Nothing in life has its advantage and disadvantage. Life is a compromise towards common and personal good.

    To conclude, I suggest that the core problem is your own life. You take steps to make your life happy and peaceful. That will automatically make the life of your daughters also happy and comfortable. You may need help from your close relatives, well-wishers or even professional help. There is nothing in this world that cannot be solved. But we should take efforts to get the right solution.

    Best wishes to you and your daughters.


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