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  • Category: Marriage

    How do I talk to my family about Inter-caste marriage


    Looking out for advice regarding how to talk to parents for an inter caste marriage? Wondering whether it would be right to marry against the patent's will? Here, on this page our ISC experts shall provide you advice to resolve the issue.

    I am a 28 year old woman in a relationship since last 2 years. We belong to the same profession and work in the same office. We're both from UP but I belong to the brahmin community and he isn't.
    We want to get married but his mom is not agreeing for it and being adamant that she will never agree for it. My family had initially agreed, but since his mom was not agreeing, I told them that we have broken up (which we actually did for 4-5 months, but got back together again coz we realised our feelings for each other were way too strong).
    During this time he has tried his level best to convince his mom, but to no avail. She has issues like caste, kundli not matching and my looks. This has been going on since last 12 months but she's not ready to budge. Now we have finally taken the decision to get married with or without his mom's approval, but how should we talk to my family about it? How should I start?
    What if now they don't agree for it since we're going against his mom's will?
    Also, will it be right to get married against his mom's will?
    We love each other a lot and have seen the most vulnerable side of each other and still want to be together. Please help.
  • Answers

    9 Answers found.
  • If both of you have taken a firm decision to go ahead for the final knot, nothing should come in the way of such alliance. However, you need to resolve the issue in an amicable way so that there should not be escalation of tension between your and yours spouse ( would like to be ) family. You may take up the following measures to ease the stress -
    1) Insist your fiancé to have a detailed talk with his mother and should know her exact cause of fearness for her non acceptance of the marriage. If you can meet her along with your fiancé and win her confidence with several round of talk, it would be better.
    2) It is heartening to note that both of you are in the same office. However, in service - career, transfer takes place time to time and the same is beyond your control and then reliability and trustworthiness of your partner would save the alliance. Also mark how far he is responsive to critical situations and how fast he takes decision in the crucial stage.
    3) As a result of marriage, you will be on the way to motherhood in due course and may be for the supervision of your kid, you will be parting your job for the better upbringing and in that situation, you will have to ensure that the income of your fiancé should be such that he manages the entire expense of the family effectively.
    4) No unnecessary stress should come up from eithe side of family.
    5) If you are convinced that your alliance would not jeopardise your married life despite the opposition of your would be mother - in - law, go in for court marriage.

  • 1. Both the persons in the relationship are fully convinced that they can lead a good life by becoming partners. So both of you can get married. But before doing that both of you should discuss the after-effects if both of you are getting married without the consent of his mother and your parents. Once both will come to an understanding, both can go-ahead for the marriage.
    2. His mother and your parents will accept your marriage after some time if both of you are leading a good life and if you both have no problems. Time will solve that problem.
    3. Before doing so both of you go together and try to convince his mother. You explain to her that she need not worry about the caste and you both will not create any problems for her. She may get convinced after hearing from you. So make a try. Even then if she is not accepting, forget about her agreement and go-ahead
    4. In the same way, both of you try to convince your parents also. Irrespective of their agreement you can get married.

    drrao
    always confident

  • In the modern era, the marriage between two people should not be based on religion, caste or any other shrink mentality. As you mentioned here, both of you educated and you already experienced that both of you can not live separately. So go ahead with the marriage.
    The family support is additional support for any married couple and you do one last-minute try to convince both parents. Just tell them that they already lived their major part of life and need to give permission to choose your life partner. As both of you know that you will be a great couple, it is not a good idea to marry a third person. Also, nobody can guarantee another relation for both of you will be safe and secure.
    It is the necessity of society to encourage such marriages and I am sure that your friends and relatives will give you support in this matter.

    Regards,

    Winners are too busy to be sad,too positive to be doubtful,too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

  • Love is the manifestation of subtle human feelings and sentiments between two people and a real love is a matter of joy for ever. If you love each other then other things become secondary. Parents have their own convictions and it is not necessary that they will agree with whatever proposal you present to them. It is your life and you have to take a decision. I have seen many cases in the society where parents were adamant and were against the particular relationship but later they accepted everything in the normal ways. So the wounds get healed with time and one must understand the long term effects of such relationship on ones parent.

    Before you decide for firming up of this relationship, please consider the compatibility between you and your boy friend. Are you sure that your relationship is not based on the physical lust but is based on mutual respect and sacrifice for each other and accommodating with each others deficiencies. Remember no one is perfect in this world but by accommodating with each others deficiencies the post marital life can be made perfect. Adjustment is the key to a happy married life. I am pained to say that in many love marriage cases when the initial excitement ends there are soon differences and conflicts coming in the daily life which make living together as impossible and soon the couple seek separation. Living alone and living with a person are two different sides of a coin and if you are going to take a decision to live with someone for whole of the life then you must consider the pros and cons of the situation. You have to evaluate the situation from practical point of view rather then with a utopian love scheme.

    Another thing which is equally important in such cases is what will be your arrangement of living together if in extreme case his parent as well as your parent disown you and debar from their property and wealth. Are you ready to accept such a critical condition and can survive on your own by hiring a house and then later getting a house constructed in your name. These are all futuristic things but are to be considered at the present juncture to make the life easier at a later stage. If such a thing happens then do not quarrel with each other and blame each other that you did a wrong thing or behaved immaturely with your respective parent.

    Life is a struggle and is to be taken as and when the challenges come our way. The present situation is also a big challenge for both of you and you have to take a conscious and diligent decision based on so many aspects of your future life.

    Knowledge is power.

  • "....we have broken up (which we actually did for 4-5 months, but got back together again coz we realised our feelings for each other were way too strong).". In the whole question, the quoted portion is the one which makes me ponder.

    It is clear that you can break if you will so. If both of you will, then you can part as friends even now. A transfer or change of job can help that. Had you been steady without breaking, I would have suggested a different answer.

    Now I suggest that you both try to part as friends. Either of you try for a change of work place. Tell yourselves that everything is for good only. Out of sight can make it out of mind.

    Each of you marry a suitable person whom the respective parents are also satisfied and approving. That is more practical and logical at this juncture. All is well that ends well. The world is big and there are m,any positive alternatives. Best Wishes.

  • This is very normal that a couple into the same profession fall in love. It happens in our society that our elders don't accept the intercaste marriage. As his mother is adamant so I don't think she would agree for your marriage. I have always believed that for the events like marriage we should have blessings our elders with us but when his mom is not agreeing then it's not possible any more.

    From your post, it's clear that your parents can be convinced if you ask them. Also, I would suggest before marrying against the wish of your families to check if you both really have a strong affinity towards each other. It happens that we take a decision in a haste and repent afterwards.

    I would suggest you to first check his feelings about you and check if he is ready to take your responsibility or not after the marriage. His mom, of course, will have an effect on your marriage life if she remains in touch with you after marriage. So have a clear chat with this person that if his mom will stay with you or not because if she stays with you then definitely she will create a problem for you.

    In most of the cases, I have seen parents become normal with time. Hope so in your case too it happens. You may proceed but should take some time to think over all the things first.

    Sanjeev

    " The two most important days in your life are the day when you are born and the day you find out why? "
    – Mark Twain

  • It is very normal to fall in love with the office colleague with whom we work for at least 8-9 hours a day. But to marry him is a different thing. Marriage is not a bonding between a boy and a girl, it is a bridge between two families. So, as per my views, you should try to get consent from both the families.
    You have not mentioned about his father. Is it like, his father is ready but the mother is not?
    What is his family status, his education and what about his siblings? all these factors affect a lot after marriage.
    Parents always think for better for their children so, there must be some reasons behind their decision. You should talk to the parents of both sides and solve their doubts logically.

    Lastly, if you want to enjoy a happy married life, it is better to be with family...

    Padmini

    Living & Learning- simultaneous processes!

  • Yours is the classic case of having given much time to the parents to consider about your marriage and as your age is getting older and fast you cannot waste time seeking advice and approval. What I feel that being a major and having liking for each other and having decided to live for the future, it is better you both get married and live away from both sides for some months. Once the baby born to you, I am sure it will turn the table on both the sides and they will agree for your union belatedly. This kind of face-off has been happening in many families and life and afterwards ends with a good note.

    K Mohan @ Moga
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • Thanks everyone for your response.
    Update : Recently, he came to my house to talk to my parents about our marriage, they're still willing to accept it but their only condition is that his mom should agree and that she should be present at the wedding. Without her presence, they will not move ahead with this. My father even suggested that he will meet with his mom and talk about this. My father even suggested that we go to that same astrologer and get out kundlis matched, where his mom went and who had said earlier that this marriage will not be fruitful. We went there too and our kundlis also got matched. (His mom never matched our kundlis coz she never had my birth details, she was saying that this relationship will never be successful on basis of only her son's kundli, which is absurd now that we know our kundlis are matching). Even now his mom has issues, she's still not agreeing and adamant that she will NOT agree this is her final decision. She has even refused to meet my dad. Now my boyfriend is struggling at his home day by day coz of this. He has lost his mental peace. He's not able to make his mom understand coz all her reasons got washed out specially the kundli thing which was a big issue. Now the only thing that remains is my looks n she keeps on repeating this issue that I'm not good enough for her son n their family. This is plain simple stubborness of his mother. Moreover, as someone asked about his father. His father is no more, which is what makes it all the more difficult coz it will not be a good thing to leave his mom alone, since his sister is already married.

    Now, I'm really depressed as to what to do coz i feel no other way out. Kindly help as to what can be done in this situation now. Thanks.


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