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  • Category: Marriage

    Marriage, divorce, love and failure and now want to forget all


    Facing marital issues and planning to settle down again? Wondering how to proceed ahead and plan out further plan of action? Here, on this page our ISC experts shall provide you with marital advice so that you can decide how to forget the whole thing thing and move one.

    I am new to this forum. my marriage life ended in vain. Within just 6 months out of my wedlock I was blessed with a boy kid who is now 11. I tried to save my marital knots but atlast I was forced to give divorce consent. After my divorce I got a friend who is younger than me and he in unmarried guy, but he doesn't know I am a divorcee. In the beginning I talk with him over whatsapp in a friendly manner. The guy asked me to send my pictures (even nude pic and he also shared his pic to me) and after a couple of months he started to talk with me as a lover and moreover he used to send his pictures and also he told he is my lover and not friend. Then he used to talk with me based on sex chattings and also encouraged me to talk in the same manner. My heart enjoyed his love and I expected love and care from a guy as I missed in my life. so I too chat with him as a lover, after few months due to some misunderstanding we had an argument based on his job (where I referred a person for his job). But dont know what has changed in his mind, he stopped talking to me as before. Nowadays If I send any messages he just give single word reply and no love or even friendship words. Before he used to call me baby, dear etc etc, but now he stopped using those words.
    Last month I messaged him that I am crazy about his memories and for that he is saying that " need to look after me future and I have to start my life happily, so do not send long messages and do not talk unwanted (here I used some sexy words as before).
    He used to see my WhatsApp status before, but now he is not. and also he: Even I too like you, what to do, we have to look after our own life. Like this he is saying and for the past 10 days he didnt message me but always online and posting something in Facebook and Instagram etc.

    But I was very much in fear that I dont want to miss him and I am always thinking about him and also recalling about his chattings...
    I want to come out of this and because of this I am not getting enough sleep and not caring about my son or other family members... always in his thinking... but he is not.
    even he didnt informed me about his new job.itz only after i asked...he disclosed.

    I want to come out his rubbish memories, but I m not,
    1.always checking he is online or not
    2.always checking any post from him in FB or INSTAGRAM
    3.always checking his matrimony id whether he got married or not.
    4.always deleting his number from my contact list and immediately saving his no. again.

    dono why im doing like this, Im going mad with this guy..
    he is 28 and myself 33yrs
    what wrong with me...... why he turned like this, this really means he doesnt love me now or in the past just used me as a time pass???????

    I am going too much...
    please dear friends, help me to come out of this situation... I m not the defaulter as I was expecting love an care (which i miss) and this guy came on his way and wetn out of my life na...why...

    please give me tips to forget this guy who ignores me.
  • Answers

    18 Answers found.
  • Human life is like that. In many such cases it is a story of love, desire, lust and search for happiness but we miss all of them in our inability to accommodate with the real practicalities of the life. Everyone is in search of love but that is a mirage like thing and when you reach near it, you do not see it and it is either disappeared or shifted to another far off point. Today it is not only you but many of our young people who are going through a big turmoil in their life as we are searching something like love which is only a concept and does not exist in the real life. What exists in life is cordial and cooperative existence of two people together where there is no selfishness and there is a feeling of sacrifice for each other and that is in fact the true love. Can you live with other person by accommodating with him and he also reciprocates with you in the same way then only there is a meaning of living together and question of love comes otherwise it is a failed relationship and will not survive long.

    I have no intention of preaching but the fact of life is that we all are victims of our lust and desires during our young ages and later we can only repent upon those happenings. Nature has made the humans (and to that matter all the animals in this planet) in such a way that during their attaining adulthood they mate and reproduce. It is called reproduction for survival of species. There is no love beneath that.

    Now coming to how to get out of the mess in your life. First thing is remember that you are not the only sufferer in this world. There are people who are going through more misery and torture in their life than yourself. There are more failures in the game of love than successes. Actually the prime time of our life is basically for making a career in life for livelihood and financial security in life and love and marriage are secondary aspects. So we have to focus for those things rather then wasting time in unnecessary indulgences. Please note that if you engage in some positive and constructive activity then your mind will not wander to such distractions. Stop searching true love. Concentrate in your career and try to attain progress there. During the journey of life if you happen to meet a like minded person who proposes to you then you can think of going for that. But again, you must tell and confess your past to him before he proposes and he should accept you in spite of that.

    The Indian philosophy is one of the most ancient and powerful in this regard. It teaches us Yoga and meditation for controlling our minds and activities. They help us build our confidence and self control. So give it a chance and along with whatever exercises you do in the gym or park in the morning time please include Yoga and meditation in your life and I am confident that it will bring phenomenal changes in your life. Our will power is our true friend. Once it is there you can avoid any unwanted distraction in your life.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Dear Sir,

    Thanks for your prompt reply and advice. but I had tried all the methods, but still Im searching for that guy's picture in social media, Im going mad on him.. when i talked about my crush towards him , nowadys he is not responding me and saying he wanna start his life fresh.... but how comes this sudden change.. I didnt expect anything apart from his love and this sudden change im not suppose to digest, always thinking about him and always wish to read his chattings again and again.....

  • Forget to add sir,
    already he had 3 girl friends and those 3 love life ended in vain and Im the 4th...
    his engagement also got cancelled 2 yrs before with a girl and I dont know the reason for cancellation (this also his another friend only disclosed me and not this guy)

  • It is good to know that you would like to start afresh in life with a positive attitude and come out of the ditch. It is not that easy but a slow and steady move will help you to overcome it. As many of your friends and family members might have advice or suggested to you, you can start following the aptest way. As you already have an 11-year-old son, you can divert your mind to him and think for his good upbringing. Some of the measures to verklempt that I would like to suggest are:
    i) Focus on your child's education, growth, and be a good mother as he is watching and learning from you. Try to be a good mother who is strong, confident, positive, determined, and caring. As he grows, he would like to be a good human being and you have to play the most important role. Focus on your child will help you cope up with the current circumstances.
    ii) Start doing yoga, meditation and some exercise that will help you to calm down your overthinking, ostracize attitude and relax your mind. This will help you to focus on more productive things and even give you good sleep that you are lagging due to the overthinking.
    iii) Engage yourself in some activities or in learning new things like stitching, Mehendi, beauty parlor course, Hair & mack-up, New cusine or cookery, Dance(any form), Singing (any form), gardening, computer course, etc. This will keep you busy all through the day and help you divert your mind from the ongoing situation.
    iv) If you are working, this will also help to keep you engaged.
    v) Share your thoughts and feelings with someone whom you trust the most. It can be your parents, relatives, friends or even your son as they will help you cope with the situation and it will also lessen the burden that you are carrying in your heart and mind. This will help you relax and slowly overcome.
    vi) Start taking life seriously and avoid such acts. You are a mother and mature enough to understand between good and bad, original and fake, love and lust, friend and foe, etc. Never share your nude photos, information on the phone or through social media platforms. It can be misused by anyone.

    “The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." — Morrie Schwartz

  • I will like to add that in our life we have to take some hard decisions and control our emotions. If we can not do that then there is no difference between us and an animal. This is the consciousness element in the humans that separates us from the animals. We know what is good and what is bad for us. There is no place for desires in our life if we can not do commensurate efforts to achieve those desires. You are simply desiring and not doing anything to achieve that. You first dislodge yourself from that person completely and make a good career for yourself and for whatever family members left with you and then that person will automatically come to you himself on his knees if he likes you.

    One thing more is that we should have some self respect. If some person is neglecting and ignoring us does not mean that we should blindly run after him. By doing that we will lose only in life. He will exploit us more and more. No one can teach us in life about such delicate matters and we have to take bold decisions in life. Forget the past, forget the bad people and start a new life and be busy in constructive and positive tasks. That is only way to heal the bad memories at an earliest. You need not to fight with the world. You will never win in that struggle. Fight with yourself. Tame the devil within you. You are your own destiny maker. Open your eyes and enter the world of enlightenment and brightness. Still not much harm is done to you. You have ample chances to come out of this syndrome. Take help of some psychiatrist. Sometimes they give certain medication which also helps in coming out of such conditions. Think of your son. You have to make him a good citizen when he grows up. Concentrate on his studies. Teach him and when he grows up teach him how to avoid the game of lust and desire in his life. Let him benefit from your experience. His future is now your future and make him a good human being so that he takes care of you when you become old.

    You can also join some charitable act like feeding the children in orphanage and other such social welfare acts so that your mind gets some satisfaction of doing some good things also. My preachings will not work if you do not want to change your life. It is you and only you who can achieve this tough task of coming out of this dreadful state. I can only wish you a good luck. That is all from my side as I am a man of limited wisdom. Good bye and good luck.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Thank you so much Umesh Sir and Varghese Sir.

    Now I got some boost to my mind.

    hope my mind change and sure soon i will come out of those memories of that guy.

    Even I deleted my Fb & Insta account where that was the only source to check him and his photos again and again.

    only thing I using to see his picture through whatsapp where he saved my number in his contacts.

    so still need some more days to delete his number from my contact list PERMANENTLY.

    Thank you so much Umesh and Varghese sir who spent your valuable time for replying my query.


    Thank you once again Umesh and Varghese sir.

  • I will tell you a real thing happened in one of my friend's life. He was having an uncle and his daughter was very beautiful. My friend wanted to marry that girl. But his family members were having a different opinion. But somehow he managed to get their acceptance. Then his uncle went to their house and made the proposal and both the parties agreed and he thought that marriage will be over in another 2 or 3 months. But what happened nobody knows and there was no communication from his uncle's house. After some days they sent a word through somebody that they were dropping the proposal. The whole family made fun of that boy. But he withstood that and forgot whatever happened. His parents arranged another girl. The marriage went off well. They settled well and they are very happy now. My friend never thinks about what happened in his life before marriage.

    Sometimes these things happen. You have a son of 11 years old. Concentrate on him. Spend more time with him. See how he is studying and try to spend some time with him.

    For some time be away from social media. Don't open any of those sites and don't post anything there and don't see for his posting.

    If possible change your phone number and delete his phone number for your list of contacts. Whenever you are into his thoughts start thinking about your son and his studies and his future. Start reading good books and epics which will give you a lot of strength.

    Also try some meditation and yoga, which will help you to divert your thoughts. Don't make friends or don't develop any association with new persons until you see them, understand them and your history is known to the other person.

    You have not told him that you are a divorce and you have a son. Really if he comes to know these issues through somebody else what will be his feelings and he may feel you have ditched him. So always before proceeding further please make sure that your complete history is known to the other person and the other person's history is known to you.

    After reading your further story, I felt that the person is not very reliable. Many girlfriends and engagement cancelled. As such, I feel he is not true to himself. Depending on a person like him is never advisable. So change your thoughts about that person. You think he is a cheater. You think that he deceived you. You think he always conveyed you wrong messages only. He has no love for you but lusts only. These thoughts will slowly make your mind negative about him and you will forget him.

    Time will have an answer to all the problems. So follow the points discussed above. Then automatically your mind will get diverted from his thoughts.

    In our life, we will come across many people. They may be having their own thoughts and all are not open to us. So study them well and then only continue the friendship with them.

    drrao
    always confident

  • Dear Sir,

    Thank you so much for your prompt reply.

    I will do as per your advice but still having his contact number with me and using that I am seeing his profile picture daily..

    better option is to change my whats up no. moreover he used me as a tool for his chatting based lust happiness and for this he kept the name as LOVE and he cheated me a lot.

    If I express anything lovable he is saying that I stop talking to you before 1 month , now where comes my memories and also he is saying that he has to see his life and to start afresh and also like me.

    but because I am married he is not able to do anything and also he is saying that he didnt forced me to talk or chat with him and because of my own interest I chatted with him and so no wrong on his side like this he is blaming me.
    which i cant digest..

    he spoiled my mind and showed the happiness of love and care and affection which i never enjoyed from my hubby as we stayed together only for 6 months after that seperation for over 11 yrs and last year only I decided to accept for mutual divorce and itz over too.

    This guy on the one hand says that he will love me forever and admire me and on the other hand he is sincerely searching for bride and for his marriage purpose he stopped his business and started his career with a good job.

    now he is settle but me still searching for his arrival in my life, how foolish I am....

    anyway thanks for your valuable time and reply.

    will follow your advice and I hope soon i will get out this idiot who smashed my life.

  • You have sketched the true events happened to in the past. Being a divorcee, you were in need of a company who could satisfy you mentally and your urge for physical intimacy could be restored with a matching partner. It was not your approach at first but the manner the events followed was beyond your control. You witnessed some sensual enjoyment in his companionship and finally there was exit of that romantic hero from your life and lastly he poses to be neutral.
    I would add a few suggestions and if followed sincerely can make your life purposeful.
    1) First of all think of your own minor aged child and he has to go a long way to attain a purposeful life. Apart from your nursing and caring, he has to be put in the right environment and school so that with the right education he grooms a sensible young man with a matching qualification enabling him to get a job in a multinational company. The task is enormous and at the first outset, it appears difficult, but with your closeness, patience and your right wisdom, you can encourage your child to opt for the career of commerce, science or an enginner or a management graduate from an established institutions. Your initial guidance would suffice the purpose and later he will go in his way accelerating his path of progress. Of course, this would need abundant resources to pull on his objectives and fulfilling the same should be your task.
    2) You may not feel boredom in your life so long as you are indulged with his career apart from the role of real mother.
    3) A purposeful life eliminates the unnecessary tension.
    4) Be practical in choosing an alliance. In that case, the most vital thing to be looked into your partner is honesty, sincerity, a good decent earner and above all a responsible guy taking care of both you and your child. Never be in a hurry in searching a matching alliance, look out for such company if you could choose such a partner with your personnel contact/ or an alliance appearing in the News paper.
    5) Devote some time to your own likings/ hobbies so that it could stimulate you.

  • Thanks for your advice ji, will follow your advice and soon I will get rid of that guy out from my life and mind.

  • Dear All,

    I ALSO need some Psychological tips to overcome this situation.

    Plz guide me.

  • Human mind is having immense capabilities and if determined it can perform miraculously and magnificently. The behaviour and actions of a person are depicted through his psychology. People who are mentally weak and emotionally charged sometimes have psychological problems or disorders in their life. Psychology is the nutshell of the outcome of our thinking process and we can not predict or foresee what our psychological mind will be doing at what time. We can only keep good habits and better lifestyle in our life which will change our psychological behaviour and manifestations to a great degree.

    One of my relative was suffering from some sort of psychological disorder and went to consult a psychiatrist. The expert examined him and talked to him for quite some time and then prescribed him some hindi prayers to cram and then recite them in alone while working. The patient was not believing in God much but he was asked to recite the prayers to himself for at least 2-3 hours while working in the kitchen or other rooms. In the beginning the patient was not very receptive to this therapy but slowly he got interested to hear those prayers and that was the beginning of great change in his life. Today he is leading a normal life.

    I have many such examples where engaging and diverting attention to some good activities has changed the life of the people drastically and they came out from a deep valley of pain and torture to the valley of flowers and sunshine.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Dear Latha, I would suggest you to not to give priority to a person who don't need you or values you anymore in life. You should not give them chance to hurt you by being emotionally connected to them. I understand that you have faced a lot of things which has made you to loose hope but I would request you to please value the things what you have and try to give priority to yourself. When you think of the injustice what happened in your life , you just go to the mode of depression and you would have not even taken proper care of your health,fitness,looks and even your career. We come alone and people are like passing clouds where some may teach you lessons, some would have given you a unforgettable memories, some would have hurted you , some would have taught you how to enjoy life ,etc. Should you really think of a man who never bothered to care about the times what you both spent with each other and today he just ignores you!

    You should just move on and try for making yourself a more strong personality in society by ensuring to get a good job, better responsibility,start a business , work on yourself and keep yourself fit. We can be happy when we are self satisfied and we would merely bother about the others in life.You should spend some quality time with people like your family,son and friends whom you would have completely forgotten due to thoughts which you have about that ONE PERSON!

    You have to just work in building your career strong or try to start a business and ensure you do some task which makes you happy and society appreciates you.

    I would also suggest you to look for some good person in your life who would accept you as well as your child. You should not waste your life and time just like this. You need to convey your wish of Re marriage to your parents or elders so that they would look for your future. For a long term , you need to ensure you hook up with someone who is serious and mature enough to be a part of all your sorrows and happiness because after some age you really need a understanding person in life you face all good and bad with you.

    Only thing I could say is Never Think of a Person Who doesn't Value You and Rather Make Yourself a Self Satisfactory Person

  • Dear Ms.Mamatha,
    I thank you true from my heart as your message made me to think deep about my future. He is not that much worth for my love. He just used me and my chats for his lust.

    Nowadays I have reduced thinking about him and am also learning new things online and keeping myself busy all the time. I am concentrating on my son's studies and spending valuable time with him which I forgot to give him.

    Hope my situation changes and soon will get a good happy life.

  • Day before yesterday he again messaged me about a common thing (broadcast in Whatsapp).

    I replied him not to send messages, but again yesterday he messaged me and I don't know how to respond him.He is talking with me in a very friendly manner. But I have now made a very strong decision not to give importance to him as he ignored and hurt me a lot. I just looking forward a good future for me and my son.

    Thanks to all who spent your valuable time for my query.

  • You can easily come out of this situation and can have a very good futurelife. The world is very bog and each have everythingthey want from it. So you also can have that. It is right andtimelythat you posed the questionhere. You need some good support and suggestion of more suitable choices..

    1.You are now in an infatuation-like situation. He is doing right. You also do the same. Out of sight is out of mind too.

    2.Delet his phone number ,FB a/c and all things connected with him immediately. Do not u it back.

    3. Engage yourself in some new activities like lerning a new hoby, language, or even some devotional prayers or slokas etc. Mingle and interact more with your home people (son), colleagues and neighbours. Go for outing with your son and/or other close realtives on weekends andholidays.

    4. Engage in physical activities like mornig walk,evenig walk, Yoga. Or at least visist your worship place like temple/church etec regularly and participate in the functions and activities there.

    5. Participate more frequently and as maximum as possible in the parent acativitie and interactions at your son's school.
    6. By and byyou will forget the guy. Never ever think about him.
    7. Tell your best wel wishers(relative/friends) that you nee a life partner or remarriage.
    7 Proceed seriously for a remarriage involving your well wishers and son takingtheir confidance and also taking all precautions and doing proper home work. Do not be hasty or jump without proper thinking and evaluation.

    8 If a proper alliance is sen, go for it. Have a haapy life.

    Best wishes.

  • Dear All,

    Regarding to my previous query , thanks for all whose boost me up to come out of that situation.
    but again this guy messaging me n if i answer he is replying in polite way as that of a 3rd person not that previous affectionate words.
    he is sincerely looking for other girl as his GF.
    due to this little chatting my mind again got confused and i deleted his no. already and nowadays not communicating with him n m sincere in my work.
    but why this again n again coming to me (1st as lover then fight n arguement n not as a true friend)
    before he use to say that v r lovers n not friends, but nowadays he is saying me as his one of his friend.
    this guy totally confusing me a lot n i shd not slip this time.
    so please give some tips for my mind to keep fit n should to go away with his memories

  • Dear All,

    Im expecting some inputs here as those are very valuable to me n my life.


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