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  • Category: Marriage

    My Partner is getting married to someone else


    Facing issues in relationship and worried if partner is planning to marry someone else? Looking out for marital advice here? Do scroll through the responses and advice provided by ISC experts here.

    Me and my partner are in relationship for 7 years. We made couple of mistakes by thinking about sacrificing our love for parents happiness and getting engaged somewhere else in past but destiny got us united all the time.
    This time it so happened that I didn't realize he was upset with one of my habits for which he asked his family to look for an alliance. I got angry when he mentioned be ready for breakup. I was waiting for him to realize we cannot break up, I constantly showed my concern by including him in all the things happening in my life, but now his family has fixed his marriage and he is asking me to accept this which I cannot. He says I know no one will be happy but I pushed him to do this. I am asking one last chance to correct the mistake happened but he says his family's reputation is at stake, I don't know how to convince him to accept my apology and stand with me to talk to families and get married. He is upset with me and says I am late to do this but I know until he is married I have a chance to convince him but not really sure what should I do to make him realize this. Trying to talk to him calmly and make promises that mistakes wont be repeated but what else should I do?
  • Answers

    13 Answers found.
  • ' he was upset with one of my habits ', is the key for the entire problem. You both are in relation for long and you have decided to marry also. But when he gets to know about your habit, he decided to part ways. It seems he has taken the issue very seriously. So before proceeding, you should think yourselves about that habit and you should decide whether your friend will be happy if you discontinue that habit. Once you understand that, you can proceed further. Otherwise, it is better to forget about that person and try to manage your life without him.

    If the issue is not very serious and by discontinuing that habit, your friend will become normal, you can try persuading him. But you should not show your anger to him. You should not lose your cool and request him to spare some time to hear you. Then meet him and discuss with him threadbare about how you got into that habit and convince him to wait for some time to observe the change in you. Then if he convinced you can ask him to marry you.

    If he still, not convinced you can forget him and go for another choice. Even though halfheartedly he accepts also in future you may have problems and unnecessary complications will increase. So it is better to stop at this stage now itself.

    drrao
    always confident

  • Human relationships are based on mutual attractions and subtle sentiments. These are to be cherished and preserved in our life if we want to sustain these relations for life long. Seven years is a quite good time to develop an understanding between the couple and I do not think that one mistake here or one mistake there is going to ruin this relationship. You will have to go deeply in this matter as you can not take the entire blame on yourself by citing some mistake committed by you which made the boy unhappy with you. He was having good relationship with you for quite some time and suddenly he is making some issue and wants to marry somewhere else as per the wishes of his parents or we do not know as per his own wishes.

    Why in this world it happens most of the time that the boy deserts the girl just on one excuse and we do not hear the girl deserting the boy. You must ensure that it is not his lust which is working against your love in his new relationship elsewhere. What is your financial freedom? Are you wholly dependent on that guy or you can take care of yourself? These aspects are to be analysed. If the boy divorces you what are the options with you. Can you survive on your own?

    I will suggest that you have to talk to the guy in a firm manner and if confirmed, you can charge him for adultery also. I do not see that some mistake will make him to hate you while so far he was loving you and was tolerating everything with you. If the person is of weak nature or weak character then you need not to cling to him unnecessarily and think to search your future elsewhere. He might be using his parents only as an excuse for the second marriage. Though you are not legally married but this new relationship will be treated as second marriage only. Find out what is the truth and act accordingly. If it is the same trivial thing of some silly mistake on your part then give him assurance and make an apology not to repeat such a thing in future and remind him your sacrificing and wholehearted love to him during last so many years. You might also have done many sacrifices for this relationship and he is not the only one to adjust with you. Adult relationship is a matter of convenience and adjustment and is based on a long time perspective and commitment. It can not be broken on small pretexts.

    Give the guy a last chance to understand your worth and if he is adamant and does not agree then there is something more to it and you must come out with a bold face and leave the person for good. Remember, a person who has not acknowledged your worth with a relationship of seven years can again ditch you in future at any time and then it will be late for you to leave due to various family responsibilities and age related resistances and financial reasons to start a fresh life on your own. So assess the things prudently and take a conscious decision at this stage.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Hi there!

    I am too young to give relationship advice to someone who has been in a relationship for 7 years. But I would like to help you if I can.

    See, you have been in a relationship with your partner for seven years. Seven years is a long time to understand the person and even accept or embrace them. So, if your habit is not new even if it is somewhat bad, then your partner doesn't really care about your habit because he spent seven years with you knowing that. Also, no one is perfect. We embrace the imperfections of people knowingly. Seven years is a long time for that. So stop blaming yourself.

    Clearly, you love him and want to be with him. Still, before you do anything, ask yourself if you really love him. Now the question arises how to convince him to talk to you. It is the most difficult part because usually, proper communication wipes out all the misunderstandings and help us see things clearly. You may call or text him to meet. If he is ignoring your calls, you may contact his friend and ask him to help you talk to him once at least. You may wait outside his office or apartment if you want to.

    Since he says that the reputation of his family is at stake, then you can try to meet his family, with or without him, and tell them about your relationship with him and how he is going to marry someone else only because he thinks if the alliance is cancelled, his family's name would be spoiled.

    You should also mention to him or to his family, whoever you meet, what your partner said. He clearly said that he knows no one would be happy if he marries the other girl. When he knows this, then why is he hell-bent on ruining not just three lives but three families? Marriage doesn't happen between two people but two families unite. In your case, three families will get affected, if because of a small issue, such a big step is taken. Ask him politely to keep his ego aside and think where does he see himself in the next 10 years and with who? Tell him relationships take years to grow and become strong. Tell him you want to be with him and that you love him.

    But even after all this, he doesn't understand and refuse to be with you, then I am sorry to say that he is using the reputation of his family as an excuse to break all bonds from you, without tainting his own image. He is perhaps over you and doesn't want to be with you anymore.

    And it may seem hard to digest this fact, but you need to understand that you are important, you have self-respect, for saving your relationship you did every possible thing, and the most important thing- It was not your fault.

    All the best. May the Lord guide you towards happiness.

    Make love to life before it divorces you.

  • From your post, understand that you were in a relationship for the last seven years which is a long duration. Still, he says that one of your habits he can not adjust. I don't know what is that character but I smell that he purposefully avoiding you for his family members and family status. Because if this is a habit of you, surely it is there with you for many years. So I really surprised that he is noticing this now only after seven years of a close relationship. Also, you are repeatedly telling him that you are ready to change and avoid that habit. Still, he is not listening to you which is not a good sign of true love.
    In these circumstances, you need to think again and again and take a good decision which will be a benefit for your future. You can not live with an unhappy partner in your whole life. So it is not good to marry him if he is not happy with the habit of you.

    I only option now you have is to involve his family members or a family member who has a crucial influence on him. Only they can speak to him and check the real problem. So please try to contact his family member and tell your issue (also you have to emphasise on the seven-year relation with him and you can not lose it). Maybe they can convince him or at least you can find out the exact issue which he is hesitating to accept you.

    Hope the issue will e resolved and you can marry him. Also, take care if he is still not willing, you also need to take the same decision or there is a chance to spoil your life.

    Regards,

    Winners are too busy to be sad,too positive to be doubtful,too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

  • My suggestion first:
    Believe that 'Everything for your good' and forget him; Marry a suitable mature person with the help and suport of yourparents.

    My reasons and logic for the above suggestion:
    Both of you have not acted as mature persons who are to make a family with responsiblities and duties, Instead both of you were acting ficklemeinded and with silly ego centered actions and responses.

    Thank God that the fissures started to show now-well befor marriage. Had you got married as comproise, your family life would have been ruined or suffered a daily battle scene.

    It is clear that he has got bored of you after the seven years and now wants to get rid of you on some pretext withjout having a guilt of having cheated you. That is why he needs your consent too to split and part under mutual understanding.
    You better do that. Wish him best and forget him from then on. Marry a more suitable and mature person preferably with parental suport and help.

    Now if you persistand do some hasty and impulsive action and stop his prospective marriage, you are also harming another innocnt woman. Sure he will feel angry and never concede to your request .Three families will get affected.

    So the best practical and prudent solutions is to 'part as friends'. Forget the whol episode. Marry agood,mature person and have a nice family life. Best Wishes.

  • This is not a pleasant thing to write. Hope you can see beyond the immediate pain and hurt and look up.

    Based upon only what you have posted, there are several factors that are not in favor of continuing this relationship. I will list them here.

    *** 7 years is a long enough time to confirm things already except for minor adjustments in a relationship.

    *** You seemed to be unaware of his decision to ask his parents for an alliance – this is serious breakdown in communications. When his parents do this, even after knowing his relationship with you shows they do not favor you in their opinions.

    *** His asking you to accept his marriage to someone else also indicates he might use you for extra-marital affair on the side. Not always but is a high possibility.

    *** Blaming you that you pushed him to do this.

    *** His family's reputation is at stake: very bad sign. This means he does not have control of his own life and choices, and he is bound by 3rd and 4th parties who really have no business in his choices except as advisory roles. This has passed that stage to emotional egotistical form of blackmail.
    Keep in mind, 'reputation' is always on the underside of the footwear; it always get dirty when one walks about. So that is a very lame excuse to try to justify his 'mamma's boy' actions.

    From the above, you would be wise to move on with life away from this situation. No matter how much you try to convince someone whose mind is made up, he will never change. Do not make yourself vulnerable to him of his family, but take a deep breath, and be determined to walk away and stay away. It may not be easy, it can be very distressing and emotional for you, but the doors are closed for you in that direction.

    Take heart and be brave, for that is not the only door in life. Take any positives you can find and move on, not even to say goodbye. There are many other options for you. After the initial period of deep trials, you will recover and overcome and be wiser than before.

    The future is as bright as the promises of God.

  • Frankly speaking that blaming you and your that one habit for the breakup is just an excuse from his side. Do not blame yourself for this. Both of you were in a relationship for seven long years and this duration is sufficient to understand each other's likings and dislikings. If we love someone, we do not leave him or her just for a habit, habits can be changed but not the partners.
    Take it positively and try to move ahead. He is not a good person for you. Just think, that what would have happened if he would have asked for a divorce after marriage giving an excuse about your bad habit. It is a sign that he is no more in love with you and wants a break up directly or indirectly. Please don't beg for love that too when you are not wrong.

    Try to indulge yourself in some hobby activities and keep yourself busy with family and friends. Try an outstation trip for a while to keep your mind distracted. Join some classes and create a god circle to have positive vibes. Time is the best healer.

    Padmini

    Living & Learning- simultaneous processes!

  • You have not indicated your mistake specifically so that we could ascertain how grave it is. You had been with his relationship for a pretty long period - exactly seven years. By this time, he is fully aware of your temperament and attitude. Had the mistake been so grave, he could have discussed with you regarding the same in a year or two. However, that did not happen.
    Even he did not indicate regarding such a marriage negotiation prior to this.
    Under this condition, I guess that there is some foul play and probably he wants to get rid of your companionship.
    Though you have wasted your precious time thinking that marriage between you two is to be finalised sooner or later but the outcome is extremely frustrating and disappointing.
    Have the courage and be firm in your approach. You should say he can go in his way if he likes so. The reason behind this logic is that even if you accept this alliance, he may devise some other ways to part with you. It means your relationship is not going to be stable at any cost.
    May be with time, you will be blessed with kids with his relationship. Your strained relationship may affect your kids because of excessive stress inside their home. This could affect their studies and other hobbies.
    Hence be practical and accept this situation boldly and say good bye to this relationship. Though it may take some time to seek an alliance of your favour but you are certainly to get it via marriage.com. Alternatively, go in for the alliance with any partner fully known to you.

  • I can understand, it is a hard time for you. There might be different reasons for your partner to leave you and marry someone. If the mistake that you committed has made him so upset that he cannot accept you especially for that you can't help it; even after you tried explaining to him that how important he is in your life. It is appreciable that you both were sensible and have real concerns for your parents but in my perspective even thinking of leaving each other for a parent's happiness is a sign of weakness. I have seen people who fight hard and convince their parents to get them married to each other and live up to the expectation of their parents.

    It is important to consider values imparted to the next generation than talking about the reputation. Yes, it is not easy to be reputed but that is not always the prime concern as reputation is an external factor and it cant help someone during the tough times but being with loved ones can really make a huge difference. If there is something with you that he really can't tolerate or accept then it is up to him. I wonder if he loves you as much you do how he let his parents fix his marriage? and why he didn't have control over what happened? I presume that he is now using the family reputation as a reason to avoid marrying you. He is trying to create a justification to leave you by pointing that one of your habits upsets him and he can't tolerate it. If he is gone to the extent of getting married to someone else and cover up his guilt by saying that his family reputation at stake then he is not the right choice for you.

    Don't worry about what happened in your life for the past 7 years. I know it is not easy but try to live with it. Time has the power to change anything. Don't let this ruin your life and career. Confront the fact that he already ditched you. Facing situations like this will make you stronger. Spend more time with your family and friends, deviate yourself from his thoughts by doing something else. Whatever happens in life; happens for a good reason. Don't let worries to flood your present life.

    All the best for your future.

  • You had been in a relationship for seven years but still, you keep on repeating this mistake. I assume that this mistake would have been a blunder that had made your partner think of ending this relationship forever.
    I know it's not easy to forget him at this point but that for sure he may be making an excuse for his family's reputation. You need to discuss this with his family if the reputation is only the reason as of now. It's better not to delay than it actually gets late. It won't be easy for you to forget him.
    I wonder why you pushed him for doing it. It's human nature once our loved one goes far from us we understand the importance of that person otherwise we don't. I hope everything ends in your favour because I understand how a person will spend his or her life after being forgotten by his or her partner.
    One more thing I want to add that if things don't turn as per you then you should make yourself understand to forget him.

    Sanjeev

    " The two most important days in your life are the day when you are born and the day you find out why? ”
    – Mark Twain

  • Seven years were passed with your partner living relations, and neither you nor he could understand each other and he has thrown you from his life for one bad reason to which you are alone answerable to him and seek pardon. Normally people get to understand each other in one travel itself and you both spend seven good years and could not make good permanent relations and it seems both do want to continue as friends and not beyond that. In this case, if he was not getting convinced, then open up the issue with his parents as he has no right to ruin your love life and he sought to enjoy a new wedding life.

    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • Ask yourself , will you change even if he marries to you. Or will he change in his attitude after marriage. Most important why you have to ask him not to marry someone. He is also losing you. You also have choice to marry someone else. It's billion population and these things will happen. Rather than divorcing later it is better not to marry. If he has some sense and feelings for you then I think tell him to give chance to relationship. Within year if relationship don't work then you guys can file annulment.

    Avi
    Life Is Beautiful

  • Your relationship is about to end and you think it is due to your habits. However, it is very difficult or sometimes impossible to change habits. But I think there may be some other reasons besides habits. You both have spent 7 years relationship. Have you done really a mistake? Are your habits bad? If you feel that your bad habits are the culprit then you should try again to convince him. But if you it is not like that, then I think you should leave him and forget him because you both are in relationship from seven years and it is a very long period to understand each other. By now both of you must have known each other's likes, dislikes, good and bad habits.
    Do one thing. Try to convince him. If he does not convinced by you then you can discuss this matter with your parents or can also meet with his parents. If nothing will be working, try to forget him and start life afresh. And remember, don't force him to accept this relationship because if will accept this time and it happens again then neither of you will be happy. Think calmly and meet him and try to convince him and if does not work then accept the change and forget him and focus on your studies and career and spend more time with your family and friends. Over time everything will be alright.


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