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  • How to resolve the family problem of sister's inter-caste marriage?

    Facing a difficult situation regarding inter case love marriage of a sibling? Wondering how to reduce quarrels and resolve the issue? Find advice from experts on this page for your queries.

    I am a Rajput. My elder sister wants to marry a boy belonging to another caste. This is creating a huge quarrel in my family. My family i.e chachas and mamas are not accepting this marriage and they clearly say that we are not coming for any of the rituals. My father is also against this marriage. However, my sister does not want to understand the situation. She says all the time that she wants to marry that bo only. This is a very tough situation for my father. What should be done?
  • Answers

    6 Answers found.
  • This is not the first of its kind happening. Parents also know about many such cases seen in movies and TV serials, read in newspapers and even seen happening in their neighborhood, or in the friends and relatives family sometimes. But when it is a case in one's own family they will be in a difficult situation.
    The old saying that it is easy to theorize on other's headaches. When the ache comes on one's head only they know how painful it is.
    I think you are also in a dilemma, caught between the affection to your sister and the status and affection of your other elder family members. But you have to act responsibly in this situation. First, tell your sister to be calm and patient and not to create any provocative situation now. Then talk to her calmly. Let her come out with her mind. Then make discreet inquiries about the man she loves. ( I hope she is of legally permitted marriageable age). If you are satisfied with your sister's lover and you are satisfied that their love is genuine and not just infatuation, and that you can trust he will love and look after her well, then make up your mind to support your sister in this marriage. Comfort her and convince her that you are her well-wisher and will be supporting her when it is needed. Also, make sure that the man is responsible and bold enough o take a proper decision of marrying her even against the opposition of many. Tell him to get the support of his family members.

    Then you discuss with your father and convince him what you have enquired about and found and convince him that the family should conduct the marriage with their wholehearted permission and co-operation. If still not agreeing to convince him to allow the youngsters t get married under civil marriage. But let the family not come openly to oppose that but allow them to have their own happy life.

    You can also discuss in the same way with your uncles etc. Discreetly find out if the womenfolk can support either silently or openly. Choose only a favorable and conducive time to discuss. Discuss with calmness and firmness, but with all politeness.
    In case all this does not yield results, silently support sister to get married by a civil marriage taking all precautions to avoid a confrontation and quarrel.

  • Let us analyse the situation and then think for the alternatives and options in this particular case. First thing is we should get the information about the boy's family. Who he is, what he does and what is his family background and who are the present family members in his father's house. I think the girl should be knowing it and if not she should be insisted to find all these relevant information as those things are essential to go further for resolution in this case. We have to talk to girl and ask her whether her love for the boy is true and she can do any sacrifice for that. Obviously the answer would be yes and for that we must praise her that she has faith in her boyfriend and she has also got some conviction and understanding in her mind about these matters. The next question we have to frankly ask her about the boy's love for her and in her understanding how it is and is he going to sacrifice everything for this relationship. I think the girl would not be able to answer this question but to keep alive her love she might tell lies in this regard. So, we need not to believe her in this part of interrogation and ask her bluntly to find out it from the boy as a confirmation. Also suggest her to ask the boy that after marriage if he has to leave his parents and settle with her then what is his opinion about it and what would be the financial source for survival. These questions would expose the boy's true colour whether he is in a true love relationship or it is the infatuation of young minds due to the physical attraction and once the physical attraction is over the boy would simply throw away and dump the girl.

    Meanwhile you have to do some homework and ask your father whether after the marriage if the boy leaves his family and wants to live with you then whether you would allow the newly married couple with you or not. This is an important question because if the boy is having the true love and can sacrifice his family for the girl you should be able to provide him a shelter. True love deserves it. As far as your relatives are considered, please do not bother for them as when this thing would be settled and their own children would be going for such marriages, which is becoming common day by day, they would be back to their normal behaviour. Relatives are like that only.

    The boy should get the message, through the girl of course, that if the relationship is honest and of deep standing then it does not matter whether one side parents or both side parents are agreeing for it or not. Love and marriage are personal matters and just because the children respect their parents they hear and take objections in these matters from the parents but in such relationship the decision of the couple is going to be final. Generally when the parents are against the marriage there is no marriage celebration and the couple has to go for a registered marriage in the court. Please advise your sister to insist for court marriage so that some proof should be there. Marriage is not a joke but it is a life time decision and a wrong decision would have adverse consequences in the future.

    Please show your sister the other side of the coin also by telling her that in case the boy ditches her and goes for a second affair which is not very uncommon in the modern society then she should not come back here for the support from you and parents. The life would be more miserable when the boy ditches her after having children and then she would be pressurised from many angles in her life and the boy's parents who might be showing love and affection to her today (we have to confirm it) would oust her from their house to keep place for the second wife of the boy. She should remember that they would always support their son however good your sister might be. Please explain to the sister that life is not a simple thing that a person tells you that he loves you and you agree to him.

    One special mention in this case, because this marriage is going to be without the consent of the parents from one side or both the sides, is that if the boy deceives the girl the usual legal fight would not be there as parents would be reluctant to go to court for a girl who disobeyed them. Such cases are going on every day in our society and the girl should understand these things and then only take this action. She should only go forward in this relationship when she finds that boy is not making fool of him. I would not stretch my analysis further but I want to share that a similar love marriage case had happened in my close relation about 15 years back and now the husband has left the wife and two daughters in his own house and fled away with another woman and lives with her only. The first wife lives in that house now and has got a job after a great difficult and somehow bringing up the two little girls.

    You do not have access to the boy and his family so whatever you want to execute is to be done through your sister only. If your sister is intelligent she would understand the underlying facts and insist the boy to leave his parents and only devote to her and never leave her but if she is also blind in love and want to ruin her life for the boy then I can only say that God help her and give her some prudent thoughts to mitigate this situation.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Many such cases are there. Parents not willing. But the Daughter/ Son never want to come out of their decision. Marriage is not for a day or two. Once a boy and a girl marry, they should be together life long. But many of these love marriages are not that long-lasting. Today they love, tomorrow they marry and the day after tomorrow they divorce.

    So as a brother, you have a greater responsibility. The interest of the boy and girl are more important than the interest of the family. Before going for any further action, your first responsibility is the know completely about the boy. What type of boy he is, how is the financial position, how are his parents, what is their family background. You for any adverse points?
    Then ask your sister that she can't have both egg and chick. She has to select one. The boy or her family. Tell them that the parents even may not allow her to their house after marriage. This you should tell her when there are no adverse remarks about the boy. If she still says she will marry that boy only. Let her proceed.
    If there are any adverse remarks about the boy, you clearly discuss with her and see that she will forget him, if the adverse remarks are very serious. You should convince her that if she marries her there will be many problems. She may hear or may not. Then leave it to her.
    Now make an attempt to convince your parts. Try to talk to them separately and if one comes out and agrees, it will become easy for you to convince the second. If you try to convince both together you may not be successful. Talk to the mother and make her understand and then go with her to your father and both can try to convince your father. If they agree OK. Otherwise just forget and see what is going happen.

    always confident

  • Whatever is the latest developments in your family, it is because of inclination of your sister to choose a marriage - partner not matching to your cast and her choice in this respect would not shift either.
    However, you have not mentioned two parameters- her educational and employment status, though right blend of qualification and employment status would not affect her preference for the said choice. However, it is definitely one of positive points going in favour of a stable future in terms of economic prosperity in case of any adversity arising out of her mismatch of the right alliance.
    Now in the present scenario, you should act as a responsible guardian helping your sister in the selection of right match where in you would consider the following factors such as his qualification, his employment status, his temperament and his reliability in the crucial circumstances such as cropping up any strained relationship of the boy from the parental side pressuring him to leave his wife and the boy would not accede to such an unfair demand. Leave apart the difference of the caste - factor.
    You have to make cordial talks with the boy extracting all the points as indicated above so that you can establish his temperamental attitude. His stable and decent income is definitely the point of consideration so that the boy can effectively meet the family expense after the settlement of the marriage. You need to have some several sessions of talks with the family members of the boy so as to know their opinions in this regard.
    If everything as discussed above are in your favour, there is no harm in going ahead for such a relationship. Convince your father tactfully. You should stand in favour of your sister if the facts are supportive in the further alliance.

  • Yes as you mentioned this is a tough situation for your family to make decisions. Please tell your sister that she is thinking of only the current situation for her relationship because after marriage things change a lot like their customs, rituals etc which she has to follow for life long which she will not be used to, because in arranged marriage even when its of same caste, their lots of rituals change as per their ancestors following, their also women's find tough to get adjusted, even though its of same caste. But here its totally different caste, moreover now the boy also may not insist on such things but later on he also may insist because at times commonly gent's would like their wives to follow their house customs as their ancestors were following so.
    That's why tell you sister to think of all that before proceeding to marriage. Marriage's are nothing but good bonding relation between two family's that also should continue. so your parents also may find difficult to perform their rituals. Explain about all these consequences to your sister later also if she is ready to get adjusted to their family then your parents can speak to the boys parents, if everything sets well go ahead or its better not to proceed further. Your situation is like "HOT GHEE WHICH WE CAN NEITHER SWALLOW NOR SPIT IT". Think and proceed because its hers life question which can't be brought back.

  • Though it seems to be a common one in all sectors and areas of our country, the youngsters do not understand the explanations whatever we give as their target is to only marry and not about future. They themselves thinking that everything would be alright once the marriage is over. But the real understanding between the couples, rituals of either side etc., will affect at the later stage. But for this we, elders, of the house cannot leave as it is. Our duty is explaining the girl person by person though it found irritation to her. If she realize by any of yours voice and change her idea, the effect will be good. On the other hand you or your family elders can call the boy or his parents or brothers and explain the outcome.

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