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  • Category: Marriage

    The situation regarding family status.


    Confused about how to convince your parents for marrying a cousin? Wondering how to respond to queries in financial status and disparity in living in a city versus village? Scroll through this page for responses from experts.

    I belong to Lucknow and I love a girl and we both belong to same caste(kshtriya). She is the in law of cousin sister. We met on Fb and after one year I propose to her and ask if she is ready to marry with me and she said yes.
    On the second thought we both know that it is going to be tough for us to convince our parents for marriage but I told our parents and they both agreed on my choice. When she told to her aunt first she disagreed but after talking to me she agreed.
    The turning point came when she told her mummy and Elder brother they both said that our family status didn't match we are not ready to marry with me. They even didnt try to talk with me and she is also getting irritated day by day because my family lives in city and her family lives in village. My father is running a Pharmaceutical business and her brother is running a dairy business. Therry got elder sister to marry to some truck driver. Her sister is forcing her to say no to me. When she told this I was shocked and she is now out of her mind. I tried a lot to convince her so that she can try and convince her brother to talk to me and my parents so that every thing can be done by sitting infront of everyone but her brother is not ready to understand. He is stuck to the single mentality tha we are rich and high class and they are poor villagers and they are not comfortable with our family.
    I told this situation to my parents they are even ready to take the initial steps of talking to her brother and telling me that what if her brother still does not agree with this praposal then you have to move back but I love her a lot and I want to marry her by maintaining the reputation of both the family. We both are very much confused. My father tried to ask one in our family which can become as a mediator to both the family but the person is playing game and is intrested in knowing how we met, how do we know each other.
    My father is still supporting me and ready to start a talk from his side but still he is having a second thought what if her brother rejects.
    The matter is totally confuse and don't know what to do and how to convince her family and also maintain the reputation of both families.

    Please help me with this ?
  • Answers

    8 Answers found.
  • When a boy loves a girl and she also reciprocates for it then it can be assumed as a sign that they can live together in their lives and may become a happy couple. But society is infested with many thoughts about it and our own near and dear may oppose this type of marriage especially where the matching does not hold from financial or other angles. Does it mean that the boy and girl forget about it and do not pursue the relationship? Should they sacrifice their first love of their lives just because others do not agree to that due to various reasons best known to them only? These questions come in our mind and we feel confused and bewildered. In our lives, we have many such occasions where we just stand at a cross road and ponder about the situation and try to find out a solution but such solutions are not simple as they require bold, intelligent, and courageous steps.

    Let us take up the problem from a solution seekers perspective. First and foremost point is that you both have to meet and find out about the love you have with each other and try to distinguish whether it is the infatuation of young age or real mutual attraction based on similarities and virtues. Why I am stressing so much on this point is because if you like each others virtues and good behaviour which would remain between you for the whole life, only then it is concluded that your love is clean and pure. If there is any doubt at this point it would be better to separate and pursue your own individual paths.

    Next important thing is the relative financial position angle that is poor versus rich. If she comes to your house and after marriage your family considers the in laws as poor and belonging to low status then it would hurt her as well as to her family. Are you sure that such situation will not come and your parents will accept her in toto. If yes, it is very good otherwise you have to take that point seriously and ponder over it.

    Another thing which is of crucial importance is that how much sacrifice the girl can do for you. I mean when she really loves you then she should be able to do that to at least some degree of sacrifice if not fully. Can she leave her parents for you and your love. If yes, then she should very well know that they may disconnect with her for good and never talk to her. That may look a bit threatening but however in real life I have seen some examples where they say so but after a few years reconcile and start loving their daughter, son-in-law and their offsprings in the same old loving ways.

    Let us see the matter from legal age angle. Is she adult and can marry as per her wish? Is she bold enough to do that or too sentimental to think only about the feelings of her parent? You have to find it out and then weigh these things for taking a decision in the matter. In these matters a decision is a must and we cannot sit under the agony and despair of an unsuccessful love throughout our lives. Life is not looking back, it is to move ahead.

    Let us come to the last but most obvious question as how much serious and bold are you in this relationship. Can you desert your parents and family for this love? What I mean is if situation warrants can you start your life independently with that girl without any financial help from your parents. Have you thought from where you will manage the rent of a house and monthly expenses if you marry with the girl and think of residing at a new place where there is no stress either from the girl's family or your family. Are you in job or dependent on your parents? All these considerations are to be addressed before taking any step in this matter. It is said that love is blind but it does not mean that we go blindly for it. We have to consider all pros and cons of the situation and accordingly take a bold decision but alternatives are to be worked out which are to be adopted in case the family / families are against this relationship.

    Knowledge is power.

  • Falling in love is easy but real difficulty starts when confronting the parents. If you are sure that your love is very strong then it is very important to stay strong and not to get manipulated by others. Especially, girls will get manipulated very easily and so it is very important for you to not lose your temper or patience because if a girl sees this change in behavior then she might think your nature itself is like this and slowly starts drifting away from you.

    Now, Since your parents have agreed to your decision it is very important for you to somehow convince her parents before you take your parents to meet her parents. For this, you have to request for your girls support also. She should try her best to convince her parents to meet you or you should go to her home when her parents are at home whey her parents are least expected. And since you told that she is the in law of cousin sister ( not sure how exactly she is related ), you can seek help from the cousin sister to intervene and convince.

    Since you told that the family member who is a mediator is playing double game, then better talk to your dad and keep that mediator out of this issue. As sometimes, they might become the reason to create more drifts by filling all bad thoughts into the ears of girls family. Try to find some genuine guy and get him involved. Try to talk to girl's sister and her husband and convince them first and once they trust you, they can take your side and talk for you.

    Finally, if you think you have tried your best in all possible ways and still no luck, talk to the girl if she is ready to stand by you in any situation. Check with your parents if they are okay if the girl comes with you and if they can get you both married. If your parents are fine, get your girl's consent and if she is really happy then get married but make sure to keep the girl's parents informed so that at least then they might agree seeing your pure love. But before taking this drastic step, it is better to give some time to your parents, to her parents and also to your love. Because only time can heal things and solve things. You might find some answer and start feeling what is right to do and what is not. Any decision that you take now will be only to conquer your love and the ego of not letting go. So wait for certain time, try talking to family members again and then decide.

  • You mention, "She is the in law of cousin sister", is what I feel is creating the biggest challenge. In our country, we are still not that much advanced to think on such relationships. Even culturally too, this is not ideal for social acceptance. But as you did not mention anything like that, the doubts of rejection may relate to the financial irregularities which is creating biggest block to take the matter forward but is this the only thing or something else not brought forward yet?

    You did not mention the age factor because if age meets the desired criteria then at least on legal terms there is no objection in going ahead but other aspects cannot be denied. In one's life, one must be able to analyze the aftermath scenario of the existing relationships. Whether this will get continue to remain the same or improve or after a period one of you may begin to feel that this should not have happened at all.

    In a relationship everything matters.
    How much one is aware of the other?
    To what extent one would be able to do the compromise?
    What if the circumstances changed?


    At this juncture of life, life seems to be so much fascinating for the younger generation that for a certain period they begin dreaming of everything without taking a sensible cognizance of responsibilities. "I am in love and cannot live without him or her" is completely foolish to imagine. Whatever you mentioned shows the actions are being hurriedly taken without considering the other aspects. This is age that we are attracted to the opposite sex most and often this is calculated otherwise.

    What I feel important here is that let the things be settled and then focus on carrier and at the same time let the other party also given time to think on this. If you feel that you really love her then set aside and work on your carrier goal and be someone than come back and then if you still feel the same for the girl while the girl having the same sense for you too then take the right decision.

    The social life cannot be lived alone, and we always need the companionship of our family members including of the elders and therefore do not take the steps that you may repent for in the future.

  • I think it must be a matchless relationship between two families. The girl's elder sister is married to a truck driver and what you are? What is the status of your family? They appear to be utterly rustic and ignorant people. I think you are utterly blind in love with the girl. I strongly assert that their family doesn't deserve to be your relatives. If your family is agreed for this marriage for the sake of your happiness it's a great sacrifice but you are ready to sacrifice the status of your family for your blind love and selfishness. Don't spoil the image and status of your family for your greed and selfishness. Marriage does not occur between a couple but it's an inception of a new bond between two families. Family of the girl seems to be utterly ignorant. She is not the only remaining girl of the world. Forget her it's better for you and your family.
    However, if you are a selfish person and can do anything for her , even spoiling the image of your family then do followings.
    - You should separate yourself from her mentally and physically for at least three months, try to forget her. Refrain yourself from recalling and calling her as well. If your love still alive then go ahead.
    - Talk to those who are ready for this marriage in her family like her aunt. They should try to convince her family
    - Avoid any mediator
    - Take the help of friends of her brother and father.
    - You may talk to her family members directly and try to convince them. but God'a sake don't ask your parents to take your proposal to them because they may reject it on the face of your parents and it will be a big insult of your parents.
    - If nothing works then ask her if she is ready to leave her family. If yes, ask your family if they are ready to accept her with due respect.
    - Are you both legally permitted to marry?
    - Are you self reliant?
    - If everything is o.k. then consult an advocate for legal advice. Take all preventive measures to protect yourself and your family from any humiliation and legal issues.
    - First, do court marriage and then bring her home.
    - Cut off your relationship with her family unless they apologise to your parents for their ignorance and blunder. But don't deprive your wife of meeting her family members.

  • In the present circumstances, it appears difficult for you to go ahead with this relationship since the family environment of the girl side is not conducive. Even though she might support you internally with her inner core of her heart, but still poisoning of her ear with different members especially her elder brother would not allow the relationship to materialize. Her instability in terms of thinking has to be taken care of. If you have a known figure capable of convincing her positive outcome of such an alliance, it would have been better. The other option could be her meeting with your parents who can alleviate her doubts regarding the status of the family. She cannot be compatible because of being poor is a wrong notion with which her mind is preoccupied. Your parents can take this feeling away from her mind with the multiple sittings. A meeting with the marriage councillor could also helpful in sorting out the issue.
    Do all your best to win her heart so that the marriage culminates.

  • It's a tough situation for you. It happens in our society that in marriages we see the status of the family. It's not easy for a rich family to accept a poor family that's for sure because of the pressure of the society.

    I would suggest you find a mediator who can convince the parents of the girl. You need to convince her parents that you will keep their daughter happy irrespective of their difference in the status. I know it's not easy because you might be having the bitter experience of the previous mediator.

    If anyhow you are not able to convince her parents then you need to take this girl in the confidence and can go for the court marriage. But again that will be difficult because it's hard to take such decision for a girl.

    Sanjeev

    " The two most important days in your life are the day when you are born and the day you find out why? "
    – Mark Twain

  • The first and foremost point is the understanding between you and the girl. All these days you are trying to convince your family members and then marry. Luckily, your parents accepted and they are even ready to tale the lead and talk to the girl's parents and see that they will also say Ok. That is a really great quality one should admire and you should be thankful to your parents for the support they are extending to you. I say you are a lucky guy.
    The real problem is coming from the family members of the girl. There is a point in their worry also. As per the background given by you, they are financially a little backwards than you. That is what they are fearing. Probably they are thinking that you may ditch them after marriage.
    Now coming to the way for coming out of stagnation point, first of all, you and the girl sit together and discuss all the matters clearly. If there are any apprehensions among you both, thrash them out by discussing and make sure that both of you can live together even though there is no support to you from your families.
    Now, what I understand is that both of you are related. There may be a common relative who knows both the families. You can approach such a relative who can convince the girl's family and discuss with him openly about the issue and you can request his mediation. Generally, such attempts will give good results. You can also tell him that if nothing is acceptable to them, there is a chance you both may leave your families and marry and live separately. In many cases that will help and your problem will get solved. If nobody commonly known persons are there, I suggest you yourselves try to talk to her brother first by phone and then meeting him personally.
    The girl's family has not understood the seriousness of the problem and how much you both are interested in each other. So ask the girl to be assertive and inform her intentions clear to her family.
    Legally there will not be any problem for both of you to get married. As your parents are ready to accept her you may not face any financial problems also. Let her boldly declared in her house that she wants to marry you only. She should be prepared to live with you for sometime after marriage without thinking about her family. Time will solve all the problems and their family will definitely accept not immediately but after sometime after your marriage.

    drrao
    always confident

  • At the very outset I suggest you don't get confused or land in self pity or self underestimating. You have a lot of pros in comparison to many lovers in similar situations.
    I suggest you both sit down peacefully at a place ( if not individually at your own places) and write down all the pros and cons in this regard.
    From your narration above I can list a few points as below:
    Pros:
    1. You both love each other and know since more than one year.
    2. Your parents support the marriage.
    3. Her aunt supports the marriage and she has met and talked with you
    4. You both are of same caste.
    In fact I have not seen much love-marriage questions situations where so much favourable factors are there.,

    Cons:
    1. Her brother and sister are not in favour of this marriage
    2. The reason is the difference of status-they are relatively poor and you are relatively rich.

    Solution suggestions:

    Please believe that 'Present fears are less than horrible imaginations". The situation is not as worse as you fear. The situation can be brought to your favour and you both can get married happily. Towards this I suggest a few points.

    1. Do not engage any third party in this regard. That will only worsen the matter.
    2. Take the good will of the aunt from the girl's side. You have already support of your parents.
    3. Do not unnecessarily expose your parents until you come to a practical decision. Tell them to be solidly with you and be with you in case some hard decisions are to be taken.
    4. If possible let her aunt and your mother/parents have a discussion at your place or a common place. Let the aunt convince the girl's family.
    5. My guess is that the girl's side are scared and worry about insecurity and mismatch of financial status of both sides and feel it should not be a case of infatuation of a rich family boy to a poor family girl. They are scared and hesitant after seeing so many 'filmy' love stories. It is your will and firmness to convince them that your love is real and you will be having her as your wife and life partner ever.
    6. You may agree for legal registration of the marriage simultaneously..
    7. If still they are not agreeing then firmly tell them that you both will go ahead with all other well wishers and solemnise the marriage without their participation.
    8. You both have to be firm, confident and focused on this and ensure support of all other well wishers including your side family. Only after that you should give the ultimatum to the girl's family.
    9. In the meanwhile if any action toward marrying her to another person, then she should act stern and firm and even in for the groom selected by them that she is in love with you.
    10. You should also take care not to act in any way embarrassing your parents and move by taking their advice also( except withdrawing from the marriage with this girl.)
    I hope things will not go to that much hard extent and her side will consent after one or two meetings and open and sincere discussion.

    Best Wishes.


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