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  • Category: Family & Life

    My Marriage issue- not proper matches

    Finding it difficult to choose a proper other half? Want to know if anyone here can give advice if onecannot get a good match beyond 27 years of age? Check out this Ask Expert page for pre marital advice.

    TMy parents are searching for a match but I am unable to like those matches. those matches are not good, I am ready to compromise but not on all things. My parents like they can't search for more matches.
    I am in love with a guy who is converted to Christianity and we weren't able to convince parents but we still love each other. He hurt me a few times with misunderstanding like silly hurting only but he feels that he might hurt with his words and doesn't want us to be together but we still love each other.

    After emotional blackmails and everything at home, I tried to go for an arranged marriage, and to be frank my bf is not ready. I am 26 and going to turn 27 in 3 months, my parents feel like I do not get matches after 27. Please advice me.
  • Answers

    9 Answers found.
  • This is a problem being faced by so many youngsters in our country and there is no easy solution for it but with a logical and rational mind one can definitely reach to a workable solution. So let us see the issue with open mind. First let us take the status of your love with the christian boy as mentioned by you. There are some apprehensions and hiccups in that relationship as is evident from your own narration and it does not appear to me as matured enough to go for a lifetime relationship. Until there is firmness in a relationship today how can we assume that it will remain workable for the entire span of our lives. Marriage is a pious amalgamation of two individuals and the temple of marriage is built on trust, faith, sacrifice, and mutual understanding. It is not an arbitrary thing that one marries a person and then leaves him in a few months. It is a life long bonding based on solid principles of coexistence. You are at your liberty to re-examine that relationship with your boy friend and assess it on the above parameters and if found adequate can pursue that for a life time staying together. In inter-caste marriages there are some other challenges also which are only visible after the marriage and those aspects are also to be examined before going in for such accommodations.

    Coming to the arranged marriage please remember and note that you may not get all the things and good qualities in a single boy as everyone will have some deficiencies in some way. There is no ideal or perfect person in this world and one has to compromise on that account. So you have to list out your priorities in your life and accordingly give weight to the match that is being pursued by your parents. If your priorities and tastes match with that of the boy then it becomes a case of made for each other and chances of conflicts and confrontations will decrease. If you have a passion for travelling and the boy is allergic to move here and there then it is not a good match. It would trouble both of you throughout the life. It is advisable to match some of the interest areas as that helps in the practical life. So before taking a final decision it will be worthwhile to talk to each other and find the hobbies of each other and all such matching attributes which will be helpful in taking a prudent decision. One important aspect here is the beauty and outwardly physical attraction which is important for some people but in my perception that is only a temporary thing because the outwardly beauty is a thing for only a short period and the relations between the couple get firmed and develop only with the underlying virtues. So if this seems a reasonable argument then this aspect is also to be included in taking the decision.

    There will be some points and areas of concern where a compromise is to be made and remember one important thing that the boy whom you are assessing with such a precision would also be searching a bride of his choice and he will also be trying hard to get the best of the lot and please keep this thing also in your mind that he will also be making a comparison of the common tastes and hobbies and your nature before giving a yes from his side. So you are not the only one to take a decision as the affirmative yes from the boy's side is also required. I hope with little common sense and prudence you will be able to search a good life partner for you and all the best.

    Knowledge is power.

  • I agree with Umesh Sir. He rightly said that the guy you are in love with is not matured enough or does want to remain in a long-term relationship like marriage. This clearly indicates you should forget the past and him. You should start afresh and have confidence in your parent's choice. Normally arranged marriages are because of the efforts of our parent's social status and their reputation and that works in 90% of cases. At age of 25 or 26, we can sometimes do mistakes but they cannot. We should trust them. Coming to the selection of the partner, when it comes to your decision, you should look for long-term aspects in the relationship. Look for his overall attitude and his view towards you. Physical attraction can last some years but the long-term relationship requires understanding and trust. So, have a balance between look, attitude, and 'sanskar'. All do not get everything. We must set our choice at our level and limitations.

    Based on my experience, what I observed in my relative or neighbors, everyone has their own partners. Just wait for the right time. Though we need to give our efforts but do not get frustrated by external factors like other's opinions or social pressure. It's our life and we should focus on ourselves not relatives or neighbors.

    Dr. Paresh B. Gujarati.
    Mechanical Engineer.
    'I'mprovement always begins with 'I'.

  • Marriage is a bond of two souls where negativity should not set in and even if there is a minor differences in their opinions, they would try their best for the readjustment without hurting their sentiments. You have stated that you are deeply in love with the Christian boy but so far you are not in a position to convince your parents regarding the merits of the boy so that this marriage proposal should proceed amicably.
    As far as I think, the boy for which you have so much passion and inclination is lacking some sort of maturity. He should have been conversant wth the basic psychology of pleasing his partners with the maintenance of tact and diplomacy. He needs a little common sense so as to match your expectations. This needs some sort of flexibility in terms of thinking and any comment not suiting to his partner is to be avoided. Lack of general intelligence, trust and an improper orientation during the stage of childhood could result in imbalanced personality and later it may be difficult to manage the same. This is my personal observation but with your persuasion and determination, the same can be moulded to your favour. You need to exert efforts in this direction and you could feel its impact within a short span of time. If the results are within your expectations fulfilling other criteria such as his decent income to take up the responsibility of parenthood, his analysing capacity, his emotional attachment towards you etc, you may go ahead with the existing relationship.
    Now let us dwell on the outcome of arranged marriage with some other boy in case the present match does not fit. Keep this thing in mind, no boy or girl can be ideal in terms of perfect partnership. You will have to compromise your self considering how best you can prove your companionship ideal in the later part of your life after alliance. If most of the interest of the boy is coinciding to that of yours, the match could be cordial. In that case, it could take some more time to get the right match.
    Hence prior to alliance, you will have to think over the pros and cons so that real happiness sets in your married life. Wish you all the best.

  • Let me at the outset say that your current boy friend is not at all suitable to be a husband and life partner to you. Consider the current attraction and feeling as only an infatuation and normal familiarity and get out of it at the earliest. Your boy friend lacks maturity and self confidence. His temperament and attitude may only lead to more problems if you get married.

    Now, let us come to the reality situation. Yes your parents are genuine in their worry and concern about you. That is because they are your genuine well wishers and who love you the most. Life needs some compromise .But this compromise should be taken after evaluating all the parameters and reality at hand.

    The traditional wisdom says:

    "Kanya varayathe roopam
    Maatha vitham Pitaa shrutam
    Hitamichchandhi baandhavaah

    (When a marriage is considered, The girl is concerned how the boy looks,; girl's mother looks for the wealth and money of the boy; the girl's father is concerned about the reputation of the boy; the brothers of the girl look for favourable attitude,; and all others are interested in a sumptuous meal).

    This sums up everything. Your parents and relatives too may be similar to this. Life is about averages and not of extremes. So if you find a boy who is a normal person with self confidence and positive attitude with core values then you may accept if other parameters are looked after and taken care of by parents and well wishers.

    It is better to give your parents an overall idea of what is your expectation. That will give your parents an idea to shortlist prospective grooms.

    What matters is how you live together after marriage. Marriage is not just a living together of two individuals, but an extension of families
    Best Wishes.

  • There are two ways of match making processes. First is the girl and the boy should have some time together and understand about each other and if feel alright can go for a relationship and tell their respective parents about it. In this case they should be bold enough to face their respective parents as they may not agree for this match. Another way is to leave it on the parents and then give only a nod from your side when you feel that the match is alright. In this second case also it would be better to have some talks and time with the boy to understand about him before going for a life time commitment. Marriage is not a child's play and one has to be tied to other person for a long time and there are many accommodations and adjustments which are to be done on a continuous basis between the pair.

    You have to take a holistic view of the things and one most important point in this matter is that one cannot get everything as best in one's partner because human beings have their own weaknesses which you might also be having in yourself, so, one has to go for a compatible partner where many of the tastes and likings match. In marriages a like mindedness between the two persons is the most important aspect and then only the future could be a congenial one. Do not come under the force of parents and also see that the attitude of the boy's family should be humane in nature. For example if they ask the dowry, immediately refuse for the proposal. Be bold in your decisions and follow your convictions and do not succumb to any force internal or external.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • I feel the boy with whom you are in love is not completely in love with you. He is just trying pass time with you and not matured enough to give you the confidence that he will be with you forever and he will safeguard your interests in the coming days. If you leave your family and go with him, you may feel sorry oneday. This is the feeling I am getting by reading your narration. So think well and better put a stop to the relation. Still, if we want to continue the relation, have a one to one meeting with him and talk to him about all the issues in detail. That will give you a complete idea about the boy. Then you will decide on the issue.
    Marriage is a bond between persons. Not just physically but mentally also. One should understand the other properly and should go for an adjustment when there is a requirement. Then only we will have a better-married life.
    I suggest you go for the best among the available. Keeping very high expectations and rejecting the matches that are coming with some of the other pretests is not a good trait. To see the details of the boy with a positive frame of mind. If necessary try to have a discussion with the boy and share the details and go for a decision. Already you are 27 years and making further delay is not wise. Don't wait for the person whom you are dreaming. Such a person may not be available. Choose the best among the available and go for a marriage. Adjustment and understanding. These two words should be kept in mind always. That will give you a happy married life.

    always confident

  • Before forming a new relationship, it is prudent to forget any old thing or relationship that may hinder your new relationship. A wedding decision affects your whole life. Before marriage, the boy and the girl should talk to each other well and tell each other their priority. Everyone has to ask for something from their partner. But in just one meeting you cannot choose the right life partner for you.
    If after meeting someone you feel that that person can fulfill your expectations, then you meet again, but if you feel at the first meeting that the person in front does not have the priority that is your demand, then talk. Do not proceed. The relationship of marriage is performed from both sides, so when you expect the person in front, then also fulfill his expectations.
    Attraction, at first sight, cannot always keep a relationship successful for a long time. Keep in mind that everyone's emotional needs are different. While the girl wants her partner to be the most special in her eyes, the desire of boys is completely different, so share your preferences and ideas with your partner.
    You cannot understand your partner without feelings. To maintain any relationship one also needs honesty with trust and loyalty. The easier it is to build a relationship, the more difficult it is to maintain or maintain it. If there is any problem between the two of you, then resolve it through mutual talk.

  • Marriages, as they say, are made in heaven. Or is it not true anymore? Well, from whatever has been mentioned, you are very unlikely to find everything so smooth after marriage with this guy. He might turn for the worse, as he does not seem to be a totally understanding person.

    However, there are two alternatives. The first is to allow your parents to find a good guy. This is becoming very difficult and gone are the days, when people stuck to one's caste or community or religion or region. The second alternative is to find your own guy. Today, everything is accepted as fair. Hence, when you find a guy, or if you find a really good guy, who might belong to another religion, you may try to convince your parents.

    The big problem in an arranged marriage is that the boy is often a big toss between the old and the new. He is neither a mamma boy nor a dashing young man. This is exactly why the IIM and IIT and the ISB guys find their own matches in the college itself. This is going on even in places like the prestigious VIT in Vellore.

    Come, let us take the first example of your parents choosing the guy. Insist on meeting the guy in private for a full two months and try to understand his true self. You can even quiz a number of guys who are known to him intimately or his neighbors. Even if he comes to know about this, no issues. This is quite common indeed, Do not trust the astrologer and whatever he says as gospel truth. This is never ever the case. The best astrologers are not able to find the best matches. Divorces are happening at a rapid pace and the only problem is the wavelength.

    One piece of advice is to opt for a guy from a smaller town. The biggest advantage is that he may not have all the cunningness and street smartness of the city guy. But he would be more down-to-earth and once you understand him better, there are chances that the marriage works out better. I have often seen this happen. The girl would be so hesitant to migrate to Vijayawada or Coimbatore or Bhopal or Kottayam, Yet, after the initial struggle, the couple has adjusted far better than their city counterparts. This happens since the guys are normally those who are more down-to-earth.

    The second option is to find your own guy. At this age, it is not impossible as you think. Go to the best of libraries. Enrol in a good course where you might find someone with common interests. For example, sociologists make good couples. I have observed why this happens. Their understanding of society and all its complications forces them to see everything from a different point of view. They tend to appreciate differences between themselves as more natural. Their entire life is spent studying society. It is a very interesting field. Am not suggesting that you should find a sociologist. I do not know your background at all. I just quoted the example to make you understand the issues involved.

    Never go on searching for the "ideal" guy. You can see such guys only in Hindi movies and not in the real world. Compromise is inevitable. Either way, try for someone who will understand you better and keep you happy.

    All the very best.

  • Marriage is not a one day game but it is a lifelong bonding. So, you must be alert before making an alliance. As mentioned above, you are in love with Christiana boy and by reading his attitude indicates that he would not prove suitable matches for you in future. So, It is better to be separate from him at the earliest. Before marriage, physical attraction is natural but in the long run, you need faith, trust, loyalty, respect then only you can live a happy married life. In the modern world, I have seen many couples getting married without noticing trust and loyalty for which they have to repent life long. Finally, their married life would worse. So, I would suggest you select your life partner with the help of your parents. Parents always would try to best their kids. In today's world, people are not restricted up to religion and caste but caring and trustworthiness are essential requirements for a better-married life. One important thing either do love marriage or arranged marriage you will have to compromise in the different matters as all people are not same in liking and disliking. Nobody is perfect in this world. Every human being has weak point as well as a strong point so you have to behave with him accordingly.

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