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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    Why do Men always have to choose between Mother or Wife?

    If there is anything that would send a shiver down a young man's heart, it would be this, making the impossible choice between his mother and his wife. I wouldn't be far off mark, if I venture out to say that many frictions in the family originate from this.

    Men, initially try to play sitting on the fence and feel proud that they are able to share their time,love and affection between his mother who has given everything to him so far and his wife who has given up everything to come and live with him. Little does the poor soul realize that he's walking a tightrope and with soon reach a point that he has to decide to keep one happy at the expense of other's pride or happiness.

    How does one tackle this age old issue that requires skill, diplomacy, a few lies and the courage to hurt the feelings of someone whom we should be hurting if forced to.
  • #617601
    Is it such a difficult management? Is it like working with two bosses. When we have two bosses and get instructions from both how to manage? That too when those two bosses are always in fighting mood with each other. So really it is like a fight on a sword. You can fight with a sword in your hand. But you can't fight by standing on a sword itself. I feel it is better not to worry about either mother or wife when it comes to a choice between of them. Leave them and let them decide who is great? But when if they come separately for something oblige both of them. Don't tell what you are doing to the other lady to the second lady. But managing two bosses is very difficult. We have to complete the work given by two bosses. One boss should not know that we are doing the other boss's work also. Like this, a man will always be in some or other problem without knowing what to do and how to do?
    always confident

  • #617605

    We have two eyes, two hands, two legs etc. We never have to choose one and lose the other. Each one are given their role by habit or by our own inborn nature. At times each of them have their separate roles, and at other times both have to work in tandem or as a pair. For example we use right hand for eating food, left hand for scratching our head or for cleaning purposes. We usually use one particular leg for kicking a football, and use the other one for a particular leaning posture. But when we clap or say namaste, we use both hands in tandem. Similarly when we do weightlifting we use both feet . The body needs both, and body assigns them their roles too. The reflex and repair mechanism of our body comes to support and supplement the other when one is incapacitated or becomes weak.

    A man after marriage should function like the body,understanding the underlying difference and commonness between the two- wife and mother. One is past and continuous, the other is present and future continuous. If he is very clear about their role and importance then no husband need be confused.

    A mother can take up almost all the roles a woman plays in a man's life:- mother, sister, friend, Nurse. But she cannot take the role of a wife. Against this, a wife can complete all the roles- friend, sister, companion, nurse mother and wife. So a good wife is superior to a mother in this regard. The mother and the man(husband) should know this difference.

    The wife is like a new recruit in an office, employed taking into consideration her specific additional qualifications. But just with that qualification, the new recruit cannot take over the office from the first day. The new entrant needs familiarisation and guidance about the culture, habits and tradition of the organisation. He/she has to acclimatise gradually taking the help from seniors,respecting them, and slowly ensuring and assuring them by performance efficiency that the organisation/unit/department is safe in his/her hands. Then the seniors will give the new person higher responsibility one by one.
    The new person should see that this comes not by confrontation or demand and command, but by confidence building. The efficiency of the new recruit is how fast this is accomplished smoothly.

    The mother and wife should each know or be made aware that it is a relay race where, for a smooth hand over of the baton both runners have to run together for some length at the same pace and change batons. Staying happily with mother and wife for a man is like staying happily in an apartment. Appearing separate and private, but as a team when needed, with co-operation always.

    At least from now on let this question of choice never appear.

  • #617606
    Actually, after marriage, our take care become two person one his wife and other is a mother but before marriage, only mother can take care of you.

    After marriage we need to maintain both the relation will be better instead of selecting one. We can not avoid our mother lifetime because the mother is mother nobody bigger than that.

    But this time it's not happening due to different reasons but some people still maintaining his family including mother and wife.

    Santosh Kumar Singh
    (Sr. Microsoft Dynamics Axapta Technical,Mumbai)

  • #617609
    Man leads a happy life until getting married. Once married his total thinking perception changes as he his deeply influenced by his wife on every issue. After marriage the parents also feel insecure and have the fear that daughter inlaw would hijack their son sooner or later petty uses. But a wise son is a person who should balance both. For him mother is important and so is the wife. Mother must be convinced that he has to obey for some commands by wife and like wise wife must be told that he has to listen to mother because she gave birth to him.
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #617614
    The women mostly decided themselves as the mother in law and sister in law are just enemies even before they put their feet into the new house. So, if the mother in law tell simple thing they deemed as tyranny. In one house of my relative the new comer was sitting and reading newspaper while everybody rushing themselves for office. Mother in law asked her help her in preparing lunch for them including her husband. She immediately got annoyed and complained as if her total freedom forfeited. Shortly she made her husband for separation from the family.
    In another case a friend of mine felt very sad that his daughter for whom he alliance seeking told her to see the bride groom without Saturn ,rahu and kethu. I was wondering how it could be. He, my friend explained that the three were mother in law,sister in law and father in law.
    If ladies are planning themselves before marriage itself, how could be the hormony expected and what will be the position of the husband?

  • #617617
    Woman doesn't require a man to choose between wife and mother. Be whatever you are. Ensure you are honest and transparent to both of them. Men should behave in the same way, to his mother before the marriage, and the equal priority should be given to wife. It is better that men don't interfere in the issues between mother-in -law and wife. They have enough maturity to handle things. Not only men, even women has a difficulty in choosing her parents over her husband's family after marriage.

  • #617626
    This is because of generation gap. In my opinion this problem crops up when the wife comes to live with the in-laws. She tries to develop a new household rule whereas the mother-in-law wants to stick to already existing rules causing tension between the mother-in-law and wife. If the wife and husband live in a different place, the chance of dispute becomes very less, almost nil.

    This is what I have observed in our family and also in my neighbourhood.

    Beware! I question everything and everybody.

  • #617634
    Why does a man have to choose between his mother and wife? Does that mean he can choose one and lose the other? Will that give him happiness or peace? It is a wrong concept, according to me. A man, when he is a son and a husband, should stand with what is right and not with a person. He should not be biased and should be able to make the other person understand that she was wrong.

    Secondly, a mother-in-law should love her daughter-in-law too like her son. Partialities and negligence might lead to issues and conflicts in the house. Similarly, the wife also should love the mother-in-law and should not consider her to be her enemy. Some girls have the attitude that they just need their husband and not his family. This attitude has to be changed,

    "Do not give up, things might not favour you always"

  • #617675
    This is definitely an age old problem or phenomenon and those who after their marriage are living with their parents must have experienced this.

    There are various reasons generally attributed to this situation. A mother is always jealous of the new lady in the house specially the one his son is adoring. At that time she forgets that similar situation was there when she herself was married and entered this house.

    The new lady tries to find the image of her mother in the mother in law but does not see any such love or affection there. She is totally shattered.

    The newly wed husband is under the spell of her wife and will do many things as per her liking or desire and the mother in law may not like those things. She will even try to create misunderstandings between the new couple.

    The daughter in law when comes to know that husband is doing many things as per her wishes, comes openly against the mother in law and slowly starts poisoning her husband to have a separate house far from the maddening old lady.

    So this is the story of most of the houses. Jealousy, hate, lack of love and affection and many such attributes destroy the peace of house and the husband has to find out a solution for it.

    People blame and say two women can not live together in a house. I will extend it further and will say that even two men whatever capacities they are can not live together in a house until unless there is cooperation, mutual respect and understanding between them.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #617694
    It is difficult for a married man to please his mother as well his wife. He has to strike a balance between the two, because both are dear to him. After marriage priorities change, so the mother feels neglected, and then there are mis understandings and often the man is forced to live away from his mother. There should be mutual understanding among members of the family and they should respect each other .
    Members should spend time together at home as well when they go out. A strong bond
    should be developed between the mother and wife . In our culture it is not a marriage between the boy and girl, it is a marriage with the family too. So be happy and make others happy. Give away egos.

  • #617719
    Sadly, this situation is inevitable in every man's life. Parents are protective to a great degree and they have got an authoritative wave on them. For them, you're still an innocent child.
    So they would be pleased to make decisions in your place. While what your wife desires is an independent man who can make good and useful decisions for the family all by himself.
    Two exactly opposite ideas collide.

    But if it is me, in this unfortunate position, I would listen to neither of them. Or be partial to neither. I would do what is right.
    Because I've acknowledged my adulthood.

    But remember this always, your parents have birth to you and their blood is within you. But your wife trusted enough on you to leave her family and settle in yours. Isn't it clear then, who should be your first priority?

    The stronger a light shines the darker are the shadows around it.

  • #618293
    It is time for the man to grow up, stop being 'mama's boy', and take up responsibility for his life/wife/children. He doesn't have be cornered into a position to choose wife or mother; otherwise it is better he doesn't marry so he can avoid such a stupid situation. If he is going to be mature enough to live with his partner, he needs to get the respect that comes with that, no matter what traditional familial holds exist. As for the mother, she needs to stop having the poor-me's and move on with life with the new changes instead of imposing upon the woman who has come into the equation. She needs to realize that her initial desire for the son to grow up has happened, and let go and not pull strings to dominate anyone else.

    It is essential that a lot of communications take place before marriage and the contentious points are discussed well to come to peaceful understanding. Preparing in advance will make it easy when the transitions happen, and hopefully wouldn't explode.

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