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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    Married but Unmarried

    In today's world, life moves at a hectic pace, changing family dynamics, changing working hours and having a decent paying job are all challenges that most middle class people have to face.

    In this scenario, marriage brings two people together; their trails and tribulations to get the family off for a good start (financially, socially and emotionally) takes it's toll on the relationship between the husband and wife. Both have to work with little choice as cost of living is beyond the reach of a single earning member of the family.

    Different viewpoints, difference of opinions, demands of personal space and time slowly start drawing a wedge between the spouses. The husband and wife who would be a shoulder the lean on or pillar of strength for each other, slowly become a good, dutiful father, mother, daughter-in-law or a son-in-law.

    During this transformation, the love, genuine emotional bonding takes a back-seat. With passage of time both fulfill the roles of family, take care of needs of children and parents but between themselves there is an unsaid truce with both yearning for more from their partners.

    (This is not a thread about equality or narrow minded thoughts but how the relationship between a couple subtly deteriorates in a middle class family)
  • #642734
    The initial relationship between a husband and wife is based on the natural attraction of opposite sex as stipulated by nature in its open books. The subtle love and emotions also play their role at that time.

    Later when responsibilities are shared and family is raised the situation starts changing from plutonic to materialistic. With time the things become more of a duty and concern for social status rather than a simply married life in a place far from the maddening crowd.

    Not only in middle class but in almost all the classes, of course due to different reasons, sooner or later the deterioration takes place and many times manifests in the form of agitation, aggressiveness, depression, stress and other such characteristic attributes.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #642744
    A bond between wife and husband will form with the process of marriage. Then they start living together and they will try to understand each other. Initially, as per their age, there will be a natural attraction between them. As the age passes their responsibilities will increase and at this stage, mutual understanding and adjustment with each other are very important. If they understand each other well their bonding will become strong and definitely, they will enjoy the life. As the age comes the dependence on each other will increase. This is what I feel and understand about the married life of a couple. To have a better-married life understanding between the two is the main point.
    always confident

  • #643101
    Very well narrated. Is this not the scenario with most every married couple!

    Married, but not married. Your statement is correct to a certain extent. Yes, some couples get so busy with all their duties that it leaves them with no time for each other. Bitterness sets in when hopes and expectations from the union are not met. The married life becomes routine; there is no fire, no passion left in it, just a whole load of responsibilities.

    That is how most marriages are in India. Marriage is not about two people, it comes with a lot of baggage, and more gets added as time passes. The marriage that you describe is considered normal. Sad, but true.

    Couples do not have the time to spend together, so bound are they in duty and work like mechanical clocks, looking after everyone's needs but their own. The problem with our society is that if a couple wants to change their way of living, they get termed as rebellious moderns. The social setup doesn't allow people to live according to their terms.

    "A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak." -Michael Garrett Marino

  • #643116
    Expecting personal space from the spouse and spouse's family brings in separation first from the boy's family. Then the expectation turns into demand and brings distance between the partners. Later, the space gets bigger and brings loss of communication. Thereafter, this increasing space may causes a separation between the partners, or worse, continuing a love-less marriage.

    This is modern marriage, in a nutshell.

    Beware! I question everything and everybody.

  • #643120
    That is why parents allow the new couples to enjoy the maximum at least for two years from marriage as the coming days would be challenging and change their living pattern itself. The everlasting love for wife cannot be possible , as she has to forgo the time spending with the husband as she has to look after the elders at home, caring the children and also the house works. On the other hand in the guise of transfer and promotion, the husband has to part with the family and live alone in other town or city. Gifted are those who do some petty business and be with the wife and children without much tension in their lives.
    K Mohan
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #643126
    Glad to see these replies, I raised this thread because, we watch so many romantic movies, TV serials, list to lovely music and songs, have time for most social activities BUT many of us fail to notice the growing subtle gap between the husband and wife.

    We need to make a conscious effort to revive the spark/ bonding because at the end of the day and at the end of our working careers, the spouse is often the only anchor close by to many couples.

    Blessed are those who can do this despite the demands of the family and work life.

  • #643130
    Frankly speaking, I did not find anything new in your content. What you have narrated is nothing new. Yes, the scene or situation is changed. We came out of the small town or village to metro cities. However, the middle class is those people who have always fought for life or relationship whether today or 50 years back. Why do I say so?

    Earlier, a man has to work and the woman has to look after their family. Even then these situations were there. In fact, those time we had "big" families compare to today's "small". The responsibilities were even more then! Then to the two married couple had to struggle to get time for each other. However, then they did not have this advanced technologies which divide us mostly yet they were divided.

    Actually, our destruction on any relationship is our expectations. The fewer expectations we have the happier would be a couple regardless of situations, time, locations or Era.

  • #643131
    I think it is supposed to be like that only. For how long two people can stay lost in each other. After a certain longer period a trust, security should come between. Living own life is as important as loving someone else or may be a little more.
    If we are able to observe required space between two that is a good thing, it totally means they both have their life. Love must not be visible to others, it must be there.
    Problems comes when communication gap takes over, this should be avoided.

    Chitra Rana

  • #643140
    Very truly said and it is fact. But think in another way the gap can be due to self attitude or self respect of earning couple. This gap can be filled by only parents from both parties. Earlier marriages used to happen much early stage of like which was helpful to fall in love immediately with partner. Now every earning woman chose her partner very carefully unless she is getting married to boyfriend. so bottom line is it is good sign of independence of individual when both earn, this is how you grow and economy grow. To narrow down this relationship gap you should have concept of dinner date, outing and friends get together in life so it makes love blossoming and long.
    Life Is Beautiful

  • #643298
    Married but not married is such an apt description of today's marital scenario. Jobs, competition, dreams, and desires to make it big, and a never-ending list of everyday tasks are enough to tax any man's complete energy. What remains is what is left for the spouse.

    In spite of this being probably the most important of our relationships, we put in much less time and effort to keep this healthy and blossoming. This is also reflective of the fact that we take our partners for granted and vice versa.
    We believe this is the way of life and nothing more can be expected out of a marriage.
    With many other things, we are undervaluing and under expecting the possibilities of a wonderful marriage.
    Possibly we give up too soon and accept whatever life dishes out to us.

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