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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    What is the change you brought in your family's wedding tradition?

    There are many age-old rituals and traditions that we follow during marriages. Do you think that some of them need to be changed? Do you feel that the way we conduct marriages have changed but we still stick to the traditions without understanding the requirement of following them? What do you feel about this subject? Let us discuss.

    Today I saw a Bengali bride's viral video which touched my heart so deeply. In their wedding tradition, there is a procedure called Kanaganjali. It is to symbolize that the bride repays her debts to parents by performing kanaganjali. She refused to do so telling everyone that debts to my parents cannot be repaid. How true she is!

    No one can ever repay the debt to their parents.

    In Tamil wedding too, there is a similar procedure called Kannigathaanam. In this ritual, the parents of the bride, hold the hands of their daughter and give them in the hands of the bridegroom and his parents and says, "I donate our girl to this family and hereafter, she completely belongs to you".

    My in-laws, who did not like the term 'donation' said, "Our daughter in law is not a thing to be donated. When the term donation is involved, then the giver will no longer be having ownership of the thing. So the term is not perfect to be used at a wedding. Just say that you are happy with this wedlock and you wholeheartedly send your daughter to this extended family".

    It was a warm feeling and such a positive vibe circulated in the hall then. I remember, my parents shed tears at that time, not for parting with me, but due to the relief and contentment with great hope on my future.

    Many rituals will be changed or given up if real meaning were understood. There is nothing great in holding tradition without understanding why it is followed. Seriously, new changes need to be evolved in wedding rituals and not just in changing the decoration themes, food menus, DJs, Mehendi etc.

    Have you brought in any change in your family wedding rituals? Why? Share you thoughts for others to think about following it.
  • #657858
    During a marriage, before tying the nuptial knots, the bride sits on the right side of the groom. And after tying the nuptial knots, the bride is supposed to shift her position to the left side of the bridegroom. This was not happening in many marriage functions. I used to insist the couples to change their positions. I used to show the photograph of Lord Shiva and Parvathi as an authority for this.

    After marriage, a wife should always remain on the left of her husband. Because she is the heart and soul of her husband(Husbands heart is on the left side). To a husband, his wife is the heart and soul.

    Whenever I attend a marriage function of my close relatives and friends, I ensure this.

    No life without Sun

  • #657859
    Is it so? At the time of my wedding, the priest mentioned me to stay on the right of my husband there after. Because, my husband is the heart and soul to me. He referred Perumaal and Padmavathi Thaayar for it. Wow, It is something cool that I get to know , how people follow the same things in different ways. The examples are ultimate actually.
    Sri Vetri
    Spread Positivism

  • #657871
    The thread made me cry. I am Bengali, and the ritual you mentioned is truly heart-wrenching. Today, I feel sad that why I did not oppose that ritual. Though I am very vocal against wrong, failed to protest during my marriage. It has to stop.

    I won't say that I am stopped from doing anything for my biological family by my husband rather he always takes care of the fact that we both be equally responsible for both the families. Other rituals which I feel are awkward: touching the feet of the husband in public, wash his feet and wipe it with her hair. Thank God! I was saved from doing all those rituals because my spouse vehemently opposed to them.

    Recently, I came to know that a bridegroom has objected to the 'sampradan' ritual as he said that no parents could give away their daughter to anyone. Marriage makes a new bond, but the old ties created due to blood relation just can't be broken. When the bride came to her husband's home, and during 'boubhat' (handing over a plate of delicious food items and clothes to the wife), the ritual includes that the husband would say that from then onwards it's his responsibility to feed her. The bridegroom again refused to say so because he felt it's demeaning his wife who is professionally too on the same level as him.

    It's nice to hear such a thought process evolving in society.


  • #657872
    There are age old rituals in the marriage ceremony which were prescribed by our forefathers and the clergymen of that time and these rituals differ from region to region and place to place.

    With time these are being modified by the forward and modern people as well as societies and now it has become a matter of convenience rather then to follow those rituals in toto.

    Historically, even the rituals which were supposed to be crucial and critical are now a days being compromised on one pretext or other.

    The interesting part is that we can avoid some orthodox and old fashioned rituals but we will be adopting some new things which are not rituals but basically for entertainment purposes to fill the gap created by removal of some of the old things. People are engaging dance parties and DJs to entertain the guests.

    So, I will say that the new patterns are emerging and some of the old, illogical and irrational things are going in oblivion.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #657873
    Generally, in the marriage the father in law will wash the feet of the would be son in law and the mother in law will be pouring water. This is the tradition that is followed years together. During my marriage I objected for it. I told them that I am younger than you and you washing my feet is not acceptable to me. Then my father in law told me that it is a custom. Even it is a custom I am not Ok with it, I told him. There was a big discussion and finally I told him to pour water on my feet without touching and I washed my feet myself. That is how a via media arrangement was made. Those days everybody used to treat me as an unorthodox man. But I have my own ways.
    always confident

  • #657877
    During the marriage ceremony, there is an event in which the bride groom leaves the hall as a sanyasi in an angry mood. The bride's father with his relatives go to him and pleads him to come back by offering some clothes, footwear and umbrella.

    During my daughter's marriage, when the groom's father insisted me to perform the ceremony, I refused to do so, and said that it was not a good practice and I was not willing.

    No life without Sun

  • #657880
    I guess I am too young to cause any change. Its good that your family is ok with not calling marriage a donation. But here's the thing. The Sanskrit mantras recited in weddings too mean the same. Wedding was seen as a pact and sometimes a form of trading in ancient times, hence the mantra. How can we change those age old mantras? That would mean disruption in proper wedding according to staunch believers. Mehendi and haldi were seemingly lack luster functions in past with only closest associates. But since Bollywood and TV shows like exaggerating, weddings nowadays are becoming way more costlier than they need to be. Wedding should be something personal and personalized because you are ideally supposed to marry only once.
    The stronger a light shines the darker are the shadows around it.

  • #657896
    We are seeing a lot of change in the proceedings and following of rituals in the marriage functions. The new generation does not accept everything blindly. They will ask and argue for the relevance of everything and the parents are in most of the cases agreeing with them.
    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #657897

    Aditya, never consider yourself to be too young to bring about some positive change. You can always have your say if you find something requires change and make a request to those involved in the ceremony to make that change. Where's the harm in voicing an opinion and at least trying?

    Coming to the topic of this thread - A couple of months ago, a friend attended the marriage of a girl whose father passed away just a week before the date of the marriage. So the question arose as who would do the 'Kanyadaan' (giving away of the bride to the parents of the groom). The girl was firm - her mother would. She also made it very clear to her mother that she wanted her mother to be part of all the rituals. Even the in-laws supported her and did not have this view that widows should not be part of a marriage ceremony. Nor was she expected to wear a white saree. We were so happy that there are people like this in the world and not those who still live in an archaic era with traditions of not involving widows in any kind of ceremony, marriage or otherwise and treat them like unwanted visitors to a function instead of as members of the family.

    When you make a commitment, you create hope. When you keep a commitment you create trust! ~ John C. Maxwell

  • #657901
    Another relevant point made by Aditya and which has been discussed in our forum quite a few times is the tendency to have a lavish wedding styled along that of celebrities.

    Just last month, our grandmotherly neighbour was telling us of how tedious it was to attend various functions on different days at different venues for a relative's marriage. The lady said as it was a close relative, they had attended all the functions - haldi, mehndi, etc. She also made this insightful comment that why did everyone think it necessary to have a marriage spread over five days! First, there will be an engagement ceremony which often involves only an exchange of rings and not necessarily any rituals. On the second day is the Mehendi ceremony and then the Sangeet ceremony on the third day. Then is the haldi ceremony and finally the reception and the Bidai (farewell) on the last day. The haldi ceremony is sometimes scheduled just after the mehndi ceremony on the day of the marriage. Sometimes there is also a Tilak ceremony (which involves only the groom and his family) associated with the Mehndi ceremony. My neighbour said at one time such 5-day ceremonies were rare and generally associated with only particular communities, but nowadays everyone wants it like that, no matter the expense, just because somebody else had it that way. There are even separate invites for each ceremony, each crafted in some elaborate way. Is it really necessary, to overshadow beautiful rituals with lavish pomp and show which takes away the very essence and charm of a marriage ceremony?

    (Not quite sure of the correct order of all the afore-mentioned ceremonies since, though I once did receive an invite for one such 5-day marriage, had not attended any due it being out of town.)

    When you make a commitment, you create hope. When you keep a commitment you create trust! ~ John C. Maxwell

  • #658227

    How cool to hear this. Even in my wedding ceremony, my grandmother, who is a widow hesitated to come to the stage, but all my relatives my in laws and family together said, her presence and blessings are more important and we all made her to perform nalangu ceremony to us.

    Sri Vetri
    Spread Positivism

  • #658283
    The engagement ceremony which was earlier conducted to let everyone know that boy and girl are engaged to each other and will be tying the knot in coming times. This engagement used to take place way before marriage. Sometimes there would not be an auspicious time in the near future so the marriage would be postponed for a certain time. There were also other reasons for the delay in marriage. Thus, engagement would ensure that boy and girl are meant for each other and thus, no one should be approaching them.

    Today, this engagement ceremony has taken a whole new look. It has become another function or reason to party. People are getting engaged one day before the marriage. Sometimes, the engagement ceremony is in the morning followed by an evening marriage. Thus, engagement in the real sense has lost its meaning and become more of a reason to get together and party just like haldi, Mehendi and other celebrations.

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