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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    Are there some daughter in laws of a different kind?

    Sometime ago, I had published an article on "How to treat your daughter-in-law as your daughter". The entire article was based on all true life instances. Yes, I did know the negative stories too. But I did not refer to them at all. I wanted the article to talk about positives only.

    A couple of members did point out that the converse is true. There are daughter-in-laws who are not so good or have behaviours that suggest their domination. Have we come a full circle? I have indeed seen a few examples where the girl is very assertive. But am afraid those instances are somewhat rare in the urban environs where the elders themselves seem to have accepted new realities or have simply gone to the old age homes. There is a mutual give and take. About the rural environments, am not too sure.

    What do members have to say on this issue? Are we seeing a role reversal and, if yes, is it very severe?
  • #661296
    A MIL and DIL play an important role in a family. Every individual will have to see a MIL irrespective of men or women. In the same way, every individual will have to play the role of a MIL or FIL, DIL or SIL.

    Here, the problem is between the MIL and DIL only. Generally, 75 percent of MILs and DILs don't go well and lead an unhappy life.

    MILs should understand that they were DIL once and elevated to MIL. Similarly, a DIL should also think that she would be a MIL of tomorrow.

    If MIL and DIL can think of their past and future, there won't be any problem between MIL and DIL on this good earth.

    No life without Sun

  • #661300
    The expectation level of both the sides, in-laws and daughter-in-law, has increased a lot. As long as the control of family expenditure is in the hands of the seniors then they try to control the family affairs, and the moment it gets transferred to the younger generation then they try to control the family. The tiff starts then and there.

    I believe that a daughter-in-law is a new entrant in the family, who is ignorant about the system and culture of it. It's the role of the elders to treat the daughter-in-law with extreme love. Strictness will create a gap between the two generations. Love and care make a strong bond which is in the hands of the elders, but if they try to enforce duties upon the young one, then it will boomerang.

    Personally speaking, my mother-in-law is with me for the last several years, and I have no qualms about it. If the house is mine, then it is her too, so there is no problem in staying together. Opinions do not match at times, but that's natural because we are two different persons. A positive mind, understanding attitude and a pure heart of the young generation is the need of the hour. It will change the scenario for the better.

    shampasaid

  • #661303
    Yes Madam. I hv increasingly seen better trends. The mothers in law also do accept modern realities. Most of them, in the age group of 50 to 55 are educated and mostly employed. Hence, there are some good changes. What is going on in rural areas is a big question mark. Since we often do not get to see any reality, we can only depend on some stories told by others.

  • #661304
    When a girl is married and becomes a daughter in law then it is a entirely a new situation. The girl lands in the lap of an unknown lady from the cosiness and comfort of her mother's house.

    Now the next thing which generally happens is the mother in laws feeling that this girl is captured her son and the girls feeling that who is this old lady treating her like an enemy and almost opposite of her lovely mother.

    So this goes on for some time and then the boy goes to a separate house nearby and then only some peace comes in their life.

    This is the general trend and in rare and extreme cases they live together when both are very soft and kind hearted.

    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #661309
    A daughter in law is leaving her own place, her parents and other members of the family and coming to a new environ which is completely unknown to her. So the members of her husband's family should treat her properly, treat her like their own family members and teach them the culture and habits of their family so that she will get accustomed to the family. But in olden days the things are different and the girls are made to suffer. Those days there was no education also to the ladies and they have to suffer and get adjusted. As soon as she becomes well conversant with the atmosphere and she understands the mentality of the husband she will start taking an upper hand. Even a cat if you lock in a closed room and hit, it will revolt. Then it is the turn of the mother in law to suffer.
    The problem always lies between the mother in law and the daughter in law. If they can understand each other well and go along like a daughter and mother the entire atmosphere will be good. The whole issue leads in both the parties. Never we can't say one party wrong. But I think nowadays there is no chance for many mothers in laws and daughters in law to live together. So I think the quantum of problems might have come down.

    drrao
    always confident

  • #661312
    I read a Chinese story which is quite apt for this thread. There lived one family with Mother in law and Daughter in law. As usual they used to fight everyday. One day daughter in law approaches a monk and seeks his help to kill her Mother in Law. Monk agrees with some conditions. He prepares some potion containing poison and hands it over to daughter in law. He tells daughter in law that she should add this potion to the food served to her Mother in law. Since potion contains slow poison it may take a months time to kill her mother in law. He further adds that in order to make mother in law to consume more food and to have a quicker effect , daughter in law should prepare delicious food every day.
    As per the advise of monk , daughter in law starts preparing delicious and variety of food every day and started serving to her mother in law adding the potion. This continued for several days. Mother in law became very happy with the daughter in law and she started praising her with the neighbors. Fights in the house was totally stopped. With mother in laws becoming more affectionate to daughter in law, she started liking her more. She started repenting for her plans to kill her mother in law. She immediately ran to Monk and fallen to his feet and prayed for remedy to save her Mother in law. Monk started laughing and said nothing will happen to your mother in law , potion contained only honey and not poison. This gave great relief and daughter in law ran to her mother in law and embraced her with warmth. Thereafter Mother in law and daughter in law lived happily.

    The moral of the story is that , poison is existing in our mind. Once we get out this, world Is very beautiful

    "If you don’t understand my silence, you will not understand my words"
    Unknown

  • #661330
    Krishnadas,
    I thoroughly enjoyed your Chinese story of MIL and DIL with a Monk. Hearts of MIL and DIL are originally pure and beautiful, but it is made poisonous due to excess love for the son/hubby. There are MILs who can never be changed, and also DILs who are adamant to respect and cooperate with their MILs. Every DIL on this earth cannot get a Monk to advise.

    No life without Sun

  • #661334
    I fail to understand the relevance of this post.

    Daughters-in-law are not commodities to be discussed or rated as per quality.

    Daughters-in-law are human. They do not have to be born out of a mould to satisfy human demands.

    In our society young girls were conditioned to be the perfect wife and daughter-in-law. They weren't allowed an identity of their own. They were made to believe that their purpose in life was to be that perfect woman, who does everything that she is told to do, by her husband and in-laws.

    Times have changed and women have stepped out of that stereotype mould. Women today are educated, assertive and independent. They know that their purpose in life is not to 'serve the in-laws'. They assert their right to choose, to live and do as they want. For heaven's sake they are adults, why must they be controlled or judged?

    “Those who can really do what they promise don't first pause to promise what they can do.” - Bill Willingham

  • #661376
    Well said Juana.

    A MIL can understand a DIL, because she has already traveled that phase, so having few expectation on MIL side is perfectly alright. I really laugh at the dialogues such as MIL is a next mom, be comfortable as you lived in your house on the day of marriage and started telling, "We have different custom dear, try to adapt to it, in our house, we cook this way, we don't wear these kind of artificial jewelry, we won't prefer these colors". At first it may look like a conversation or giving details about their family, then on the other occasion, a rude tone will come from MIL telling, "I have already told, it is not our family custom, but you are repeating".

    So, the adjustment what the MIL/the husband family made is, allowing their DIL to be herself for the first time. As Juana told, DIl is also an individual, and she has her own identity. Of course judging a DIl without knowing who she is ultimately a wrong thing and giving commands will obviously kill the MIL DIL relationship.

    Sri Vetri
    Spread Positivism

  • #661425
    This problem is always discussed, but never arrive at a conclusion. In my opinion it is the individual and whose character which decide the nature of daughter in law. I have seen both the types of 'daughters in law' (I think the usage must be 'daughters in law', not 'daughter in laws', as used by the author). But one thing I notice is that the number of cases where the relationship is bad is increasing. I very often felt that it was because of the differences in the conditions under which each grew up. Also the the pattern of education is also contributing to this. Students are brought up these days in a selfish manner. They are not ready to share. They are not ready to cooperate with others.
    tmsankaran


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