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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    Pointing out mistakes is not acceptable nowadays

    Many a time, I cannot tolerate if the things are done against the usual practice. When our child was very small, in his crawling stage, my wife used to sweep the entire rooms of the house thrice. My father and I used to pick up any small particles like bangle bits or coconut shell pieces etc found on the floor as the small child may pick up and swallow it. Now both, my wife and father, are not alive and I am the lone member practising the old habits.

    In my house, I have got a bad name now as I point out the mistakes or correct the mistakes of others. My sister-in-law is used to pouring water on the floor and leaving it unwiped. It makes me tell her that she herself or their small child might slip and fall down as the ground was smooth and water may not be noticed. When I see any bits of waste particles on the ground and tell my sister-in-law to sweep well as children are there, she/ they don't like it. This care and caution I express have now become wrong as told to me by my brother. He says I am always irritating them.

    Is it a mistake on my part or is it reluctance on their part to accept their mistake? Let us share our experiences and viewpoints in this connection, especially in relation to our family members.

  • #698149

    It is really a difficult and delicate situation; but one very common too. The only way is to be practical and realistic. The situation as understood from the thread tells that you have to learn and practice tolerance to avoid unpleasantness.
    You know your pointing out the deficiencies is not appreciated by them. It is just human character. You can only take it that they are less mature and experienced. If you do not have alternatives then the only way is to adjust and adapt and take your own care.
    If you find the bangle pieces, or other hindrance which may cause harm, you may remove it with your good intention. Better not to highlight and point out to others. Imagine and place yourself in your father's role and do whatever is possible. However wet floors, especially the modern type tiled floors, usually cause harm to elder people. So you have to be very careful. If you know that the floor is wet, then do not go to that room for at least half a hour. You can switch the fan on, or keep an additional pedestal fan, so that the floor dries up fast. In case you have to move in the room, please hold on to some strong support and move cautiously without hurry, or take help.
    Please cultivate good relationship with brother's children. Help them and show your affection to them in real behaviour. Give them small gifts on occasions, or even sweets and toffees etc once in a while too. Behave with them as a loving grandfather will. You can apprise them about hygiene and caution, without blaming their parents. Tell them some good things in their parents and how you like them. After all, you need some ground support in the house.
    Please take a review of your behaviour and your contribution to the family. Try to increase the monetary contribution if needed. You may buy some good cloth mops or some other modern appliances to make the lady's job easy and comfortable. There may be some real problem for them or they want to give some signal to you.
    Discuss sincerely with brother and wife in what more way you can help them, either physically or monetarily.

    (This thread appears more suited to Ask Expets section)

  • #698155
    Nobody likes to be pointed out. If somebody has done a mistake if you tell them separately and convincingly, they may accept and correct themselves. But if we tell them as if we have found out that mistake some people may get irritated. So we have to understand the pulse of the other person also.
    As we are getting aged we will be more concerned about small things also and sometime some people may not like it also. So we should learn to get detached from some issues. We have to take care of ourselves and see that we will not get hurt. After having some experience the other person will also understand the importance of such issues.
    But I have seen some people react to the mistakes based on the person committed the mistake. For example, If I do a mistake my father reacts in one way and if my brother does it he reacts in a different way, it will irritate some times me and some times my brother. If he reacts in the same way for both there will not be any problem.

    always confident

  • #698191
    You may be the head of the family but when you remind the other family members about their mistakes, they would irritate. When you continuously remind them their irritation would further increase and one fine morning they would revolt against you. Please do not take it in a negative sense but it is happening in all the families now. The reason is very simple. You have been brought up and inculcated in a different set up where you have learned those intricacies of household management which the modern MBA daughter in laws also do not know. You are an expert in that field and know all the small points and try to teach and make them learn. But they all are spoiled people in this respect who have not learned these things and have their own way of living. If you go in their room and ask why they have thrown the washed clothes on the cot and why are they not folding them, they will feel offended and irritate on your command.

    Now there are two things - one is let them change their ways and learn these things in your ways which seems to me a distant possibility but another is that you may have to be a bit diplomatic and teach them this in a slightly different fashion. When I say diplomatic it does not mean clever or crooked but diplomacy is a way to deal with these careless people. So when the lady carelessly throws some water on the floor ask him a clothing piece or mop and say that you want to wipe it as she is busy in work. In all probability she would say that daddy do not bother and she would be doing that. So that way I think we have to manage. The times have changed and we cannot force them from morning to evening to do hundreds of things correctly as per our standard. It is not practical. They are modern age people, careless and happy in their own world. Why to irritate them time and again. I am also finding my junior family members doing hundred of things in wrong ways and also expensive ways but most of the time I keep quiet or when I cannot control myself then use diplomacy! Please try it as it is a good tool.

    Knowledge is power.

  • #698196
    The problem with the people that everyone thinks that they are working in right direction and with perfection and anybody points out the mistake they cannot tolerate and take it as insult to their hard working. But they do not understand that their perfection of work is the imperfect work for many who used to do the same work with finesse. And many think that they are educated and know everything as per the their knowledge but their know how and others know how is very different. For example preparing rice without using the pressure cooker is not possible to many house holds and they make mistake by either making half cooking or over cooking. And when point out that the rice was over cooked and the house hold should have turned off the stove , she gets annoyed and even take the pointing out of mistake to her heart.
    K Mohan @ Moga
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #698208
    It appears that you and your only son are in your own family but he doesn't live with you due to his job somewhere away from you and you're to live with your brother and his family.

    Other members have given some good suggestions and I'd rather you stayed with your son instead, it's not worth being nostalgic for some people. You are right at your place though but you can't compel others whatsoever good feelings you carry for them in your heart. Apparently you are sort of buldozing element for them in their sight. If you keep continue staying with them then you'd better stay silent instead of getting bit more harsh heart-breaking remarks.

  • #698217
    As far as your intention is concerned, you want to have slight changes in their actions. Pouring water on the wet surface and leaving this condition fora considerable time would invite the chance of falling for any one especially the seniors due to their imbalanced movements.
    Apart from this, nobody would like to hear their drawbacks even if the same may be categorised as the major ones. It is the human nature and to that extent, you should know how to tackle the issues. You have seen pointing out such mistakes has not yielded results in the past and since you have to live in such a company and so you would not like to make the issues still bitter.
    The best step from your end is to take corrective steps from your end without highlighting your plus points otherwise again irritation would develop and the relationship will further deteriorate. Hence being deplomatic sometimes is the best solution to patch up the issues.

  • #698407
    I think we need to consider the experience narrated by the author as a general point. I don't think such instances are isolated and many of us, at least those who have crossed the middle age, must have faced such situations.

    Though the author has mentioned about his brother and sister-in-law, let me tell you that it would not have been any different even if the persons on the other side was his own son or daughter or their spouses. And I don't think that it has even got something to do with what we call generation gap. There can be many reasons and factors leading to such difference in views or ideas and one should not give much importance to it. But what we need to be particular about is to ensure that such differences do not affect our relationships.

    While it may be right on one side to point out mistakes we also must be prudent enough to make out the reaction or attitude of the other side and to make adjustments. Similarly, the other party must also, wherever possible, put in efforts to ensure that the person who is making a point does not feel ignored. This is particularly important when we are in a joint-family situation. With differences in age, experiences, style of living, outlook and things like that, there is no point in expecting everyone to be on the same grid. So, all will have to adjust to ensure that no ill-feelings are nurtured.

    All said and done, I think seniors in the house must restrict themselves from exceeding a limit and cross over to a point where they start becoming a nuisance to others. Repeating the same thing well knowing that there is no point in repeating will lead to irritation and that should be avoided. Once we get a hint that what we are saying or some of our acts are not acceptable, it would be better to refrain from doing so.

    If you are not able to convince others, it is always better to convince yourself that you can't convince others.

    “The door to wisdom is knowing yourself." Anonymous

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