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  • Category: Miscellaneous

    How nice to see happy familes like this...

    A few days ago, I was invited home to a friend's place. The wedding had taken place at Chennai in Jan 2020, long before the Covid menace. I missed out due to some reason. The father of the boy, known to me for decades, personally invited me to their house at Besant Nagar, a fabulous locality of Chennai city.

    I had known the father but not so much about the boy, as he had studied at a leading Deemed University at Tanjore and then worked for a while in New Delhi and then Canada before getting married. Though they hailed from a village near Salem, the father had worked for a while in Mumbai, as he was a bander.

    The daughter-in-law was born and brought up in New Delhi. He was a trained environmental expert, with a big interest in economics. Though she belonged to a Tamil Brahmin family, she had lived the life of a New Delhi girl. I was made to spend the whole day. The lunch was simply fabulous. It had a mix of both the typical South Indian and also North Indian vegetarian dishes. The entire family was so co-operative and the mother-in-law was always praising the daughter-in-law, who said she worked for an NGO and as a consultant in some organization.

    The boy, an IT expert, enjoyed all the fun. The father-in-law and his wife seemed to be giving the young couple a lot of space and allowed them to do whatever they wanted. In the evening, all of us went out shopping in a prestigious shopping complex at T.Nagar. The daughter-in-law wore a sleeveless blouse and the boy's mother praised her, saying she looked so good. The daughter-in-law reciprocated, saying the old lady hardly looked her age!! It was big fun all the way and a lot of caring and sharing. The young girl had plenty of Bengali friends who stayed in the same gated community and seemingly was quite famous in that place.

    I only wished that every modern family was like this. What young people want is their freedom. Everyone was so serious about the protocol to be followed during the COVID time. I was also given a traditional herbal drink, said to be having all the anti-viral properties. It was such a nice day, after such a long time. They were a bit sorry that my wife could not come. They happily rang her up, asking her to come soon.

    If only every family were to be like this...
  • #714659
    That is very nice. An understanding between mother in law and daughter in law will bring peace to the gents in the family. Otherwise, it will be a big headache. The way the author explained his experience, it appears that the family is a perfect family without any problem.
    I am staying with my wife and two sons. Two sons got married. All six of us stay together and it is a united family. We have no problems at all in managing the house. My wife will never wait for the daughters in law to come and share the work. Daughters in-laws know how they have to work with their mother in law. They are more friendly and I never heard any single complaint from my wife about the daughters in law. Same is the case with my sons also. They never hear any complaint from their wives. So we enjoy staying together.
    I am delighted by knowing the experience of the author. If all will follow such understanding there will not be any chance for the families to get divided.

    always confident

  • #714673
    Mohan Sir, This is only one family that is positively different. I had seen several other families where the differences of opinion went on to become big fights, even in my presence. Since everything seemed so natural in this educated family, I thought I could share it. The girl was particular that I should not mention where she is employed. She is active in certain cases of encroachment and so on.

    She has adjusted to the Chennai way of life but wanted to stay in Besant Nagar, as this has people who talk Hindi, celebrate Holi and so on; it is her choice that decides everything in the family. The bonding was amazing. This was what impressed me. She is as natural as what she reportedly wanted to me. And the family was even known to this family before marriage.

    What is important is the wavelength. When that happens love and affection easily follow. Naturally. I only do hope everyone understands this. In one hundred percent of Tamil Brahmin families, everyone is educated. But in most families, the clash is between the old and the new.

  • #714675
    Mohan Sir, it is also important that ego problems do not happen at all; if it does happen, I have seen petty politics creeping up in several families between the women. The men are either helpless or they are totally out of tune with what is going on. Nothing happens and the rift becomes bigger and bigger. The men have to bear the banging from both sides.

  • #714715
    Good that modern families have started thinking differently giving respect and space to the thought process of new generation. The parents also understood the fact that by going over board with confrontation attitude with son and daughter in law, they are going to face the wrath in future instead if everything goes with give and take policy and perfect understanding of the things, surely there can be cordial relations between the members. What I feel that when a girl comes as the daughter in law to a new house, she should be given the cushion of freedom, understanding the members, their needs, their wants and above all there should not be bad comments and expectations over night as she would take time to adjust and behave. If this is understood I think no mother in law would ever complain about daughter in law.
    K Mohan @ Moga
    'Idhuvum Kadandhu Pogum "
    Even this challenging situation would ease

  • #714719
    Rao Sir. Am very sorry. I have mentioned the name of Mohan Sir wrongly, in each of my inputs. It is a big mistake. Please excuse me.

  • #714722
    The forum raised by the author was very appealing in the sense that such a cordiality prevailed between the two generation. The entire family is lucky. There are instances that both father in law and mother in law have given freedom to their newly married daughter - in law to do any chore as per liking and there was no restriction to meet her company either. Such good gestures of in laws sometimes are taken otherwise by the daughter in laws and despite such a deep attachment shown by their in laws, the daughter in laws would not hesitate in humiliating the other members of the families including her in laws. Daughter in laws are sometimes discourteous and have no due regard for the other family members. However, the presentation of the author depicting the gentle nature of the two parties deserves appreciation and wish such a cordial atmosphere should exist in all families.

  • #714729
    Keeping joint family intact and living together happily within four walls is becoming less common in upper class of the society, although this type of happy is not rare in middle class or lower middle class. People can live together as a happy joint family but until they are considerate, compatible and have better understanding between them. We have rare of the rarest families in our town which comprises of 65 members including children living within four walls happily. It's a middle class family. They live happily together in a very large building.

  • #714730
    Jha Sir, Yes I go agree that such instances are somewhat rare. In this case, the two families knew each other before marriage. So, the stage was set. And then the freedom is given to the girl to even choose the area where she wants to live. The same family has an independent house in an equally posh area called Anna Nagar. However, the area is full of people from the same Tamil Brahmin family. Hence the father-in-law actually suggested the fabulous Besant Nagar, an area where they are a good number of people from West Bengal and even the Hindi States. The girl has found so many friends and likes to dress the way she would normally dress in New Delhi.

    The parents of the boy are so happy and once they give the freedom, it was surprising that the girl was reciprocating every small bit of what she got. She does cook the North Indian vegetarian dishes and the entire family enjoys it too. This is one rare family, and as I have mentioned, the space given to the girl is the key in this case. However, such freedom and space is not given in ninety percent of the cases. The inevitable clash between the old and the new cultures takes place. I have seen this in at least ten families and all of them are known to me, personally. When one see the difference, it is a big change and the happiness that follows is authomatic.

  • #714732
    Madam, 65 people living together in one building is mind-boggling. I have not seen a single-family thus far. The one very good family had 24 members in Pollachi, a lovely town near Coimbatore. Six of their relatives live in the UK and USA. However, the setting is rather conservative and has a rural ambience and the entire atmosphere is lively. Happiness is the same.

  • #714735
    It would have been nice to just talk about enjoying a get-together and avoid the needlessly detailed reference about the community, where they are from, snide remarks on how the girl was dressed, etc. The constant reference to Tamil Brahmins being educated is equally grating as well (and how do you know 100% of the families are educated?!)

    And what is 'bander'?

    [Note - you could use the edit button to correct an incorrectly addressed member and if not sure of the gender, refrain from using the form of address.]

    When you make a commitment, you create hope. When you keep a commitment you create trust! ~ John C. Maxwell

  • #714740
    The author has visited a unique family and described in details their characteristics which seems to be rare in todays world as people are not able to live in a joint family due to various reasons most of which are related to ego problem, behaviour, expectations etc. So, it seems to be a good example of a joint family and we do not know the exact relationship which they have in their house but apparently they seem to be in good relations and spirit. I also wish if more families had been like that. It is some sort of dream only to live together in such a congenial environment.
    Knowledge is power.

  • #714770
    Mr. ABS,
    I really do not like the importance you give to Brahmin family only. You are trying to boost and impress one community that you belong to in a country that has vast number of communities where people live better life than the Brahmins. I suggest that you should avoid such posts.

    I remember a large family of SC living in peace and harmony with good wealth, education and holding high posts in government.

    No life without Sun

  • #714771
    I would like to quote a line from the thread - "Everyone was so serious about the protocol to be followed during the COVID time" that they all went shopping in a famous shopping complex in the evening. Is it because every young people want freedom (as mentioned somewhere in the thread)? I am still confused after reading the whole thread about what is meant by happiness/happy family.

    "Life is easier when you enjoy what you do"

  • #714837
    Sankalan Sir, the reference was to the freedom given to the girl by everyone in the family. That is all. Regarding reference to a particular community, that is the community I belong to and naturally get to meet them so often..

    Regarding Sankalan Sir's reference to the COVID protocols, the intent was to convey how the entire family was together as one single unit and how they got together for spending the evening. I have not mentioned other details. There was so much fun and the happiness was with reference to the freedom that I saw, being given to the girl.

    Yes. I shall also report on real world true experiences with families of many other communities. But the virus fear is still there and it will quite a while before I meet them. Regarding Vandana Madam's reminder about the spelling mistakes, I will be careful.

    Well, the community is such that everyone is educated in the family. This is a common observation. Am sorry and I shall refrain from using any such reference in the future. Reference to what the girl was wearing was incidental. I was able to see so much of joy after such a long time. So I wanted to just write what I got to see. That is all.

  • #714839
    It is a praise from one individual about one individual friend's family and a girl. It should have been an observation by many or a group to praise about a single family or and individual girl. There are many such families and many such girls in this world that has not been seen. Not a welcome thread.
    No life without Sun

  • #714840
    Vandana Madam, Whenever I get to interact with any family that belongs to the particular community under reference, I notice that everyone is educated. I got to meet or at least talk to one hundred families before settling for a boy from a family referred to us through contacts. In each family, every single family member is educated and in some cases, where they are economically poor, after they get a job, somehow they invest in distance education and go on qualifying themselves. In one case, the mother of the boy was a mere matriculate before her first son was five years old. She went on to do the school final through private study and then the BSc and B.Ed courses through distance education. After she got a job in a private school in Chennai, she had done her M.Ed and was doing M.Phil as well.

    I was literally stumped when she narrated her ambition to study at every stage. She is now nearing fifty, but she goes on reading. Such experiences are common in this community. Yet,the one hundred percent claim might seem too ambitious. Am sorry. When I get to see someone and then so many people, I tend to generakize. Am sorry once again.

  • #714856
    It is indeed a beautiful experience to listen to you and know about the family just like the people are right in front of our eyes. Educating ourselves is a never ending procedure which very few of them get a chance and have interest, financial support too to attain it. It is good to notice that ladies are investing timd not only in kitchen, looking after the family members but also sparing time to enlighten themselves through academic qualifications.

    These days we are stuck to our own family and hardly manage to reach our relatives. It is a wonderful experience for a changeover and relaxation to the mind while observing the family bond, care and affection with the members.

    Lead the leader

  • #715031
    Madam, at least in Tamil Nadu, I find an increasingly large number of women, from across all communities, who enroll themselves for distance education courses with the nearest Universities. You would possibly know that almost every University here has so many such courses to offer. This is a big plus in Tamil Nadu. It will interest you to know that there is an exclusive Women's University that also offers distance education. This has been the Vision of all ruling parties here-- keep on educatiing people as much as possible. The Annamalai University has so many Unique courses that even IGNOU does not offer.

  • #715047
    AB Sivakumar,

    We don't have a problem in sharing such an experience, but the way it is put across should not be such that it puts a particular community on a pedestal and talk about how everyone should be like the people you talk about. Comments about what women wear should also be totally avoided and can't be regarded as 'incidental' especially since it is not even relevant.

    May I also seriously suggest that you avoid giving too many details of a family? You are mentioning where they stay, where they studied and worked, etc. You may not be revealing names, but anyone who knows you and/or the family and reads the text will know whom you are referring to. On an open platform like our forum it is like revealing personal details to the whole world, something that is not right as it is an intrusion on their privacy. I recall in some text you even spoke about somebody's house keys being left at a particular shop and how the child of that family would be alone at home. Such excessive information is, frankly, highly improper to reveal. Even in this thread, for example, you could have simply stated that you were invited to dine with a family that shared harmonious relations with different cultures and the meal also incorporated their different cuisines. These are just my personal views, but hope you consider it seriously henceforth.

    When you make a commitment, you create hope. When you keep a commitment you create trust! ~ John C. Maxwell

  • #715057
    Mr ABS,
    The world population is about 6 billions. The Tamilnadu population is about 4 crores. The community you are talking about might be only few lakhs. And in that particular community, there are two types. One who believes horizontal and the other the vertical.

    Therefore, it is not ideal to talk about one particular family or a particular girl in this open forum. There could be not tens or thousands families, but many lakhs of families and girls of that type you are talking about.

    I would appreciate if you avoid raising such irrelevant posts that needs no discussion. This channel is not TSC (Tamilnadu Study Channel)

    No life without Sun

  • #715060
    Ok Vandana Madam. I have noted the contents. Shall be very careful in future. Thanks.

  • #715133
    It appears as an ideal condition in an equally ideal situation. Normally in families conflict will be there and things are not so smooth. So this real life example is definitely something which we dream to imbibe.
    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

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