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  • Category: Miscellaneous
    Points:5

    Is it good to get separated from a joint family?

    I belong to the joint family. My husband has 3 brothers and all got married having 2 children each. We all live together, but there will be a few quarrels between us related to household chores. My child always plays with cousins, rarely studies, and doesn't put effort into learning new things. She always thinks of playing with them.

    I was stressed with these house matters and my health was very much ruined. Now I am afraid for my child's future. My in-laws will be like, we all should live together until they die. There were many other issues, which I can't elaborate on here. I am not so selfish that I live with only my husband and child. I like to live with my in-laws too, but not with other members of the family. My co-sisters also think the same, but my in-laws and my husband's elder brothers (well-educated) are not willing to separate.

    I think there are lots of women like me, who are facing problems with their families, ruining their health, feeling stressed, losing self-respect, having no personal time, and being helpless. I would like to hear from the members of ISC on this topic. Is anyone suffering like me? How to deal with these narrow-minded people?
  • #777462

    Points:5
    I understand your feelings well because once I was also living in a joint family. In earlier times joint family was a norm mainly because people wanted to live in secure environment, spending minimum amount of money for the family expenses as many things got shared. But for that type of living each and every member of family has to be tolerant, patient, and contributing for the common family purpose. Even if one member is deviating from the common path all others would start feeling bad about it and blame him or her for not contributing. Running a joint family smoothly is a very difficult task especially in the present context. Today many members are earning and they may like to spend more money on their hobbies and choices.
    There is no point in living in a joint family if one gets the unwanted stress and inconvenience on daily basis.
    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #777466

    Points:5
    A joint family is good provided all the members can spend time happily together. With too much stress and pain there is no use in living in a joint family. Your in-laws are also correct. As parents they want all their sons and grandchildren to stay with them as long as possible. However, some adjustments are required to continue in a joint family. My two married sons and I with my wife were living together. We were together for 8 years after the marriage of 2nd son. Two years back my elder son got transferred to Bangalore. So his family shifted there. Our second son's family and we two are staying together only.
    That all depends on the thinking and attitude of the individual. All the members should have some adjustment mentality. If any of them are not able to adjust, then carrying on in a joint family will become difficult. In such cases, I feel it is better to go for a separate family so that relations will not get spoiled. At least once in a while all can meet and spend some time together.
    drrao
    always confident

  • #777481

    Points:5
    In a joint family the family members take care of each other living like a group protecting their interest in the society and world around. A person feels safe and secure in that atmosphere and the family leader takes a lot of responsibilities on his head. The problem comes when some of the members do not want to live in that state under the authority of the leader and want to separate out from it. In most of the cases once a member starts earning and becomes financially independent then one starts feeling to separate out. After marriage this intensifies further. The feeling of 'my family my children' starts coming in the mind of the individual. At that point of time many joint families break down and disintegrate in nuclear families.
    Today because of more earning options and people giving preference to their privacy and personal lives are living in nuclear families.
    If living in a joint family is a continuous source of irritation, stress, tension, and mental anxiety then it is better to separate out.
    Knowledge is power.

  • #777490

    Points:5
    There will be some issues when a big family lives together, but it doesn't mean you should spoil the relationships. Sometimes you need to think for the long-term because unity has more power than anything. A united family is better than a broken family. You can surely get separated but it will create a divide for the rest of your life. I have seen families fighting for trivial issues and in the end it turned into criminal cases. You should maintain peace and a cordial environment in the family so that your children don't get negatively affected. If someone is narrow-minded, then you shouldn't become like them.

    A joint family is the best place for children to grow up and learn life lessons. They will have many brothers, sisters, uncle and aunt to look up to when they are having any problem in life. A nuclear family doesn't give that breathing space to children these days. Therefore, in my opinion you should not separate from the family.
    Humble yourself or life will do it for you!

  • #777501

    Points:1
    Thank you for all the valuable inputs given by the members, I knew that joint families have problems along with happiness before marriage itself. Some families give importance to everyone and respect their feelings. But here in our family, there is no proper harmony among family members, all are of different mentalities, don't treat everyone equally, and never respect our feelings.

    Another main thing I am bothered about is the discrimination I am facing during periods. During periods they don't allow us into the kitchen, we have to sit in the bedroom only. We have to call them for all things even for water. If we touch anything, they will clean it with water. I tried to explain that periods are normal to my mother-in-law, I showed many videos to her, to educate her. But she was not changing. Even my husband tried to explain, but they were not changing.

    I have been facing all these for 9 years. I ignored everything and lived with them all these years, thinking I shouldn't break our family. But now I am afraid that my child also should face all this discrimination.

    Even if we get separated from family, I can't handle nor ignore the negativity from the relatives. I can't sit and tell my problems and what is happening in the family right? All will blame me for breaking the family. Like this, many women are facing many problems in the family, and tolerating all the nonsense, thinking of the negativity that spread about them even though they didn't do anything.

    I think people's minds should be changed, they should not blame the women without knowing what they going through in their lives.
    Regards,
    Ramya

  • #777502

    Points:5
    Living in a joint - family in the present time seems to be a herculean job since the members are of different attitudes not maintaining patience and tolerance essential for stability of peace. They would feel that every step of running the family is challenging. They remain in an agitated state. If there is a quarrel among some kids, instead of catching hold of the real culprit, a quarrel will start affecting the harmony of members.
    Then there is the financial issue when the members might not sharing their dues essential for the smooth running of a family. Some members would celebrate feasts by distributing the items to their kids resulting in a shortage of items in the renaming members.
    They even suffer from a state of inferiority - complex due to the qualification angles. This leads to distortion of peace within the family. The educational backgrounds of the kids will vary widely depending upon the incomes of their parents.
    While summing up merits of such a setup, it is insignificant.

  • #777543

    Points:5
    By seeking privacy many people going separated from Joint Family. But they are not foreseeing the difficulties in Separate family from Joint Families. Chaos, problems etc., are all common in any family irrespectively. Even between couples there are difference of opinions, lack of understanding, ego, etc., which leads restlessness in the houses. But when the situation forces to have separation due to change in employment etc., is unavoidable. But without considering the future and other factors no one should move separately.
    Simply speaking, we all four brothers do all festivals, rituals collectively by sharing the expenses equally. Similarly in my cousin's family also three brothers was doing like that till two months back. With the ill advise of others, they planned to do their fathers rituals separately. This time everyone of the three have to spend Rs.12000 where as they spent only Rs. 3500 when doing jointly.
    Similarly every aspect become costly when doing a same thing separately than collectively,
    Moreover, if the separation based some difference of opinion, this will last long and no future contact or help would be getting each family on any circumstances.

  • #777571

    Points:4
    There are some benefits and some setbacks of joint family. This topic has been discussed many times on ISC. It is better to be separated from a joint family at a proper time in a good and healthy atmosphere.

    We are three brothers all married and have two children each. Almost some years ago, we were all brothers, mother and Father once spent a good time in the hall and suddenly my father told me I wanted to separate you. Make planning and let me know your plan. He also said that he wants to make us responsible for everything in life, separating us.

    After some months of this incident, we separated in a good atmosphere. So, it is a need of the present day to be separated at the proper time in a good atmosphere.
    Honesty is the best policy.


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