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  • Category: Miscellaneous
    Points:5

    Should we depend on children for survival in the 60 plus stage

    Very recently, in Chennai and a few other places, I met many 60 plus peers like me. A highly factual trend is seen, irrespective of whether they have resources or are having only less resources, the entire lot does not depend on their children for survival.

    A former Govt servant, who is now having chronic respiratory problems, is now taking some ayurvedic treatment from a Kerala trust, where the costs are very less. He just does not accept the cash given by his son, who is now settled in the USA as an IT professional. He puts all such money in an RD account with the SBI with the name of the son being clearly mentioned as a nominee.

    Settled in an ordinary small South Tamil town where the rent is very less, organic vegetables are freely available and bus travel in the local area for his wife is free, the lady does a small trading in sarees purchased from Chennai through a wholesaler, who gets all his stuff from Surat. The earnings appear to be sufficient for both of them to carry on.

    Others are doing similar things. The idea is to cut down heavily on costs and live in places where they do not have any roots. As such, their methods seem to be highly appreciable. As of now, me and my wife prefer to live in our present location mainly because it is very cheap to live when compared to Chennai and there is the world-class CMC at Vellore for any serious aliment. Touch wood, we should not have any such ailment.
  • #779287

    Points:5
    Today joint families are becoming a thing of past and people are living in nuclear families. Children are going to other places in the country or outside the country in search of greener pastures and in many cases settling there itself practically abandoning their parents in the native place.
    Parents are also aware about this and managing their lives from the help from servants or relatives. This is a trend that is there and many agencies are creating old age home facilities for these parents. In some areas these facilities are mushrooming.
    In some cases children with their families are living separately from their parents in the same area and that is a better situation as they can help each other in difficult time.
    I fully agree that in old age we cannot expect much from the children as they would be more concerned about their own nuclear families.
    Thoughts exchanged is knowledge gained.

  • #779288

    Points:5
    That is true. In fact, irrespective of age, we should not depend on anybody else as long as possible and as much as possible. Even though I retired from my full-time job and have no pension as I was a private employee, I earn whatever possible and never depend on my sons for money or any other issue. I support them many times in many issues both financially and physically also.
    But it may not be possible for all. My father who worked in a private company worked till his 80th year. But his salary was meager and our family is big. So he was supported by me and my brothers in all respects. Financially we supported him a lot and otherwise also we supported him. I think people who live on their own as long as possible and leave this world without depending on somebody throughout their lives will be lucky. But that is not in our hands. We can't avoid our fate.
    drrao
    always confident

  • #779291

    Points:5
    I agree with the author. The time has changed what we have seen in the past about price hikes of most of the consumable items. Hence, expectations from our children to support us by way of financial backing do not seem to be justified.,
    When I was in service in the steel - plant, I was earning around Rs 1500/- month in 1983 which was considered as an attractive salary those days but not enough to spend lavishly. I have had the responsibility of raising them keeping in mind of their proper education. This called for saving a sizable amount. Everything went perfectly as per planning. My daughters settled down with jobs in MNCs apart from their marriage. The main mantra behind success was a forceful saving.
    The same thing applies to our children. Prices are spiralling up and they have to manage the situation wisely.
    I don't think they can support us fully in terms of our expenses. Anyway, I have some funds in the bank in the form of fixed deposit. From the blessings of the God, I am managing my expenses.

  • #779301

    Points:4
    If a person is earning good salary and knows how to save for the retired life, then one can have a comfortable life during the old age and there will not be any financial dependence on the children.
    Problem comes when either the earning is very less or due to some bad habits or addictions people are not able to save for a rainy day. In that case as it is not possible to work when one gets old the only option is to ask the children for financial help. There is nothing wrong in asking the children money and I have seen in many cases that the children are sending some money regularly to their parents.
    The only crisis situation is when neither the parents nor children have money for a comfortable living and then the only recourse is to go for Govt basic support schemes for poor people.
    Knowledge is power.

  • #779322

      

    Points:3
    I can smell the odor of ego in this thread. What is wrong if we depend on our children? Even if we take it that we are just asking them to repay what we did for them, is it wrong? And can we be adamant? We need to be aware of our financial and health conditions before taking such decisions. I personally don't think that there is anything wrong in being dependent on your children. The only point is that it should be as our right and not a sacrifice by our kids.

    It will not be out of place to suggest one and all to refer to laws and judgements that makes the children liable, civil and criminally, to take care of aged parents.
    'Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all'.
    -Aristotle

  • #779325

    Points:5
    I want to add one observation in this regard. The originator of this thread has mentioned that the parents do not use the money sent by their children and keep it in bank where nominee is the children only.
    In my neighbourhood also there are some old people who are getting money from their children living abroad but not using it. The fact is that they have their own money with them and also getting pension and that is the reason of not using the children's money.
    If required they will use it. Recently, they renovated their house and spent a lot of money and told that they had used the money sent by their children.

    There are some old people who live in simple ways even if they have good money. So based on that lifestyle we cannot say that they are not accepting cash from their well to do children.
    Knowledge is power.

  • #779328

    Points:5
    It is not wrong to depend on our children. As mentioned by Saji Ganesh nothing wrong with that. But if we have enough energy and skill to work and earn even after retirement age, we should do that so that we will not become a burden to even our children. If our health is not permitting and if our financial position is not encouraging, definitely we have to go to our children only. This is what I feel. I want to live on my own as long as possible. Laws and judgements favouring senior citizens and asking their children to take care of them when a need comes. There is no second thought about it.
    When we stay with our son, he has to take care of us and he has to take care of his wife and children also. When the lady will not support him, it will be hell for the son and he will be in a difficult situation.
    drrao
    always confident

  • #779329

    Points:4
    It is not a bad idea to remain under the supervision of our children but for that, we need to have a broad understanding between the parents and children. To some extent, the relations can be organized effectively but even then not necessarily daughters -in-laws would cooperate in maintaing such a relationship.
    The essential point is to enjoy peace in our lives and one needs to ensure this aspect. Hence no uniform pattern can be ascertained for all in this regard.
    Some people might be lucky enough to have the mental peace living with families of children and enjoying their jobs of their choices.

  • #779330

    Points:5
    Saji Sir, am afraid, has got it wrong. Nowhere have I said that it is wrong to accept any help or money or gifts from our children.

    At least in our case, my wife and I are very clear that the love and affection shown by children in times of any crisis is more important than the monetary help. We would not have changed this policy of ours, even if we did not have the fairly substantial financial security we have as of now.

    And life is always a matter of choices. A good dinner for two in a standard vegetarian restaurant with a very good hygiene would cost us Rs900. Or more. But we would restrict this to once in sixty days and be happy with what we have at home. Yes. We could afford that expenditure per week, but that money saved would help us sail over the compulsory Rs9000 electricity bill in summer, calculated for 60 days.

    Well, in spite of running an profit and loss account with a huge profit in supply chain management with the Logistics division of the Mahindra group, my son was able to fly down at midnight from Mumbai and be with me for all the thirty days it took for me to recover from the heart attack and the treatment.

    It is fine to be on one's own to the maximum extent possible. If the son or daughter is a very good position( my son is in a fabulous such position) and if some financial help is given, that can be accepted.

    I would like to emphatically state that there is no black and white policy or guideline; neither is there any ego involved. It is the happiness of being able to live a quiet life, without all trappings of the horrible rat race that I was part of, just a decade ago. The freedom of choice is also important at the 60 plus stage of one's life.

  • #779333

    Points:5
    God forbid anybody need to depend on others for physical or financial necessities. I would rather use the term 'co-existing with mutual support'. This is the preferable one because the term dependence gives a feeling of helplessness and pessimism.
    My straight answer for the title question "Should we depend on children for survival in the 60 plus stage" is 'let that situation not happen - that is dependence for survival should not occur. Let it be a co- staying under one roof with mutual support mainly emotional support. If that is available in plenty, then it will be an ideal situation.
    But ideal situations do not happen always. Life is a mixture of expected and unexpected happenings. We have to learn and train our mind and body to accept both with equanimity.

    However old we are and whatever stage we are in, parents, children(and sometimes grandparents too) are close family always. There is a binding of blood and genetics and over and above that an emotional binding. They are not born enemies. Whatever misunderstanding and miscommunication that happens or happened in between is because of ego problems. Even if there is no ego or communication issues, there can be some real ground realities which parents as well as children should be aware and try to come to a mutually acceptable solution.

    P.S: my response continues in next post.

  • #779334

    Points:8
    Present times family is a nuclear family. As the old time essentials of 'Roti , Kapda and Makaan' are already satisfied now individual freedom -of finance, time and space- became equally essential and emotional need of the people, Anything that can interfere and disturb individual peace is abhorred and resisted. Family clashes are mostly result of disturbance or interference of the neo- freedom essentials.

    Thus if respecting and ensuring the new essentials of freedom of space, money and time if people can co-exist under the same roof, then that will be a very desirable life. Many present senior citizen are more or less financially independent. and may be able to support their children when needed. The next is time. Members have to understand and respect the busy routine of others and find the ideal time to interact. Mostly these two factors are managed now a days.
    The next major factor is space. Time has gone when people were happy to live in a bird-nest like houses. Now even small children need more spacious rooms. This may be a very limiting factor in many households.

    If all the three factors satisfied, then the next is controlling tongue and ego. Probably the most difficult to most.
    If one is able to respect the three modern essentials of freedom, and control tongue and ego, co-existence will not be a problem, even if some dependence is there.

    But staying under one roof is more of emotional support and sense of belonging and moral confidence to both the younger generation and their parents. Anyone able to have such a life is really lucky and blessed.
    After life is a cycle of events many repeating by themselves. It is like a double entry book-keeping. Giving and getting has to be balanced.

    I long for an ideal situation wherein parents continue to be affectionate parents and children continue to be affectionate and caring children always irrespective of age, and overcoming all limitations

    (I split my response into two parts as it became lengthy)


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