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Why do couples fight or argue?

This article explains reasons behind fighting or arguments which take place between couples, irrespective of whether they are married or unmarried. Pain of disconnection is the main reason which leads to all those meaningless fights based on issues which are small and insignificant.


No matter how perfectly two people gel with each other and no matter how perfect their relationship appears to be, but still they end up fighting with each other. Some couples do it more often and all of them who very well gel with each other too do it, but quite less often. Fighting does not mean giving threats or physically abusing each other. Instead, it means rubbing each other up the wrong way and this is commonly seen in married as well as unmarried couples who have progressed from the state of infatuation to long-term commitments. It is like they can't help it and they are bound to find themselves making arguments over something or the other. During fights, partners point out at each other. They are the same people who used to love holding each other's hand, but now instead of doing the same, they prefer pointing fingers at each other and crossing arms during the fights. Being in a relationship or calling out themselves as a couple does not mean that two individuals have become one. Though they are partners or couples, but still they are two different people and this is an inescapable fact. Troubles come running when couples tend to mess around with this fact. When they do not seem to know how to be separate as well as united at the same time then they end up fighting. When connection weakens then couples feel more like cellmates, instead of soul mates. Fights bring the worst out of relationship and couples start feeling that they are walking on eggshells.

Phases of relationship

Any relationship that is going towards long-term commitments, goes through three phases. First one is the phase of infatuation which is all sweet and cuddly. In the phase of infatuation, couple gets attracted towards each other and always want to be with each other. It's a blind phase where they do not usually see the negative sides of their partners and adore everything about each other. It's romantic, but still a blind phase. This phase does not last long. As soon as it ends, it brings trouble into relationships.

Next phase is where partners who are in a relationship tries to change each other. They feel that their partner should say and do things the way they want them to do. They try to dominate the relationship and thus want the change as per their opinion. They start getting annoyed by the same things which they initially used to love in the phase of infatuation. Characteristics and qualities which seemed so endearing in the phase of infatuation, now all of a sudden become irritating and enraging. It becomes an unhappy phase and also decides whether relationship will move forward or not. If relationship survives even after this phase then it will be of long-term. Couples who cannot bear unhappiness any more will seem to end it here itself.

Third phase of a relationship can go in either direction. One direction is where couples understand that their relationship is not so nourishing and thus they get separated and yes it is a wise decision. Other direction is where they continue the relationship and their cold war still continues. This happens when couples do not understand that they are two different people and those who become aware with this fact will build a very strong relationship which will flourish with complete bloom. Couples who cannot get over fights and have less tolerance power will either stay together and end up fighting every day or else split up. Couples who reasonably learn how to fight less and deal with it by getting over it quickly and those couples who can accept love and tolerate each other's differences very well will enjoy long-term commitments.

Reasons behind fighting

Couples fight when they do not accept each other's rights. Relationships does not mean that couples should lose their identity and completely forget who they are as individuals. There is no need to obliterate the identity of self to get into a long-term commitment. Mutual respect and unconditional love when disappear, couples no longer value relationships. Thing on which couples usually fight is actually about nothing. This sentence may seem very strange, but it is very true. Most of the times, there is no reason or a real issue behind the fight. Over simple, silly issues couples keep shooting at each other emotionally. They can blow up even on silly issues like which television program should they watch, what color and what type of designer clothes they need to wear, where to go on a dinner date etc.

Silly fights can break a couple's trustworthy relationship

Fights take place abruptly out of nowhere and as said, they usually are about silly issues. If fights are very frequent then couples usually will end up hurting each other's feelings, fighting over such small issues in meaningless scenarios. Rarely they argue or fight over sensible issues. It is not true that sensible arguments do not take place at all but are very rare. Arguing over such problems is even understandable, but fighting over silly issues can only ruin their relationships. There is no reason to argue over sensible issues too. When an issue can be solved by a healthy discussion then it should not be stretched to an argument. During such fights, love and warmth towards one another get concealed and all the negative emotions come out very strongly. Some people will hide their negative emotions and some will keep them on display. The ones who hide may do it out of love and respect towards their partner and eventually couple may seem to reconnect, but somewhere in the process, trust gets lost. This is because here dishonesty is practiced. They are too afraid to speak another word as they feel they may initiate another fight. The ones who do not hide their negative emotions and sensibly make use of fights to understand each other well. They look forward to solve the whole issue and this can build up lots of trust in their relationships.

Couples fight for pain of disconnection

As stated earlier, fights about big problems like money, physical intimacy, kids, in-laws, work etc does take place, but most of the times, couples fight regarding non-important, small issues. These issues seem small to the third person, but they are of great significance to them and at least at that point of time. Now, why do they spend their valuable time in arguing regarding such insignificant issues? Fights are a way of expression. Certain issues which cannot be revealed by words are expressed with arguments. When either of the partner or both feel disconnected with each other then the pain which they find unbearable gets expressed through fights. When one partner develops fear and anxiety, other needs to provide support and protection. When the other partner fails to do so and instead of providing comfort and support, takes control or criticizes the other partner then definitely, state of disconnection arises.

When a woman experiences isolation, fear or deprivation then she becomes critical and defensive. When a man has failed or is inadequate to serve as a protector, provider or lover, he becomes critical and defensive. Most of the times, couples are unaware with this kind of interactive dynamic that is taking place and thus they feel that real problem is lack of communication and whenever they begin the conversation, they will try to let their partners feel down and will try their best to make them feel anxious and shameful. Blame game does the whole damage and they easily give up on the relationship. Fear-shame interaction happens to both the partners simultaneously. When either of the partners forgets that they care for each other, irrespective of whether agreement or disagreement takes place then the blame game starts and takes the form of fights.


All couples irrespective of whether they are married or unmarried tend to disagree and this is because they are two different people in a relationship. There will always be a difference of opinion. If two individuals gel together and get into a relationship does not mean that they have become intellectual and emotional clones. When couples do not realize this and cannot very well take disagreements then these disagreements take the form of fights. The voice in the head is always going to narrate the whole story. It will either show partner's positive qualities or else shift focus on partner's negative side and qualities. This story keeps on repeating in the mind and subconsciously programs an individual. When more and more focus is shifted towards partner's negative side then disconnection takes place and once one or either partners disconnect from each other, fights starts ruining the relationship. Over the time disconnection and betrayal increases. This will give rise to loneliness, rage, frustration etc. Conflicts between partners are inevitable and remind that both of them are two separate individuals working together. If couples learn from this then they will create understanding and will start loving each other despite of all the flaws.

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Author: Abhishek Kumar Verma07 Oct 2017 Member Level: Silver   Points : 0

Waw its Great! What a Beauty of writing Thanks to Reena Ma'am this is a lovely social message to our youth. How Beautifully describe Phases of Relationship and then Reason that why couples are fighting on small things when they are frustrated they cant accept each other.Well after reading this beautiful article I will never Fight now smile came on my face. Thank You once Again.

Author: DR.N.V. Srinivasa Rao11 Oct 2017 Member Level: Platinum   Points : 4

Good article. I think arguments on common things is a common phenomenon in a family life. Two people bonded in life for a permanent togetherness. When there are two minds, two thoughts will be there. Each one feels that their thinking is correct. One will not appreciate the thought of the other. So starts misunderstandings. Here only everybody should be a little cautious and bring in discussions for the betterment. Once discussions start fights will not be there and the couples will have better relations. A little patience will avoid unnecessary arguments. As we all now couples will have small differnec of opinions. They should not allow it erupt.
A very well written item. Congrats to the author.

Author: Natarajan11 Oct 2017 Member Level: Gold   Points : 6

Another excellent article by the author that addresses most married couples. Blessed are the couples who don't fight or argue. I think, arguement and heated discussions in marriage are often guide by the circumstances and pressure rather than true desire to fight. Many a times the spouse or partner often is used to vent out all the pentup anger that we cannot show on at work, our seniors or our bosses.

Very nice details about the phases of relationships, Every rosy phase just after marriage changes quickly, the arguements and fights are often guided by the bias we develop or based on the inputs of each other's parents, siblings and close friends. Agree that at most times, not be able to understand the needs,rights and demands of a partner often esclates simple discussions into major arguements.

I think once we realize the value and contribution of each other in a marriage and try to analyse things between the two rather than being influenced by everybody around will help the couple to overcome these distractions. Often parents and children suffer collateral damage at homes wherein couple fight very often.

Author: Venkiteswaran27 May 2018 Member Level: Gold   Points : 3

The author has come with an effective article on a mundane and common matter in our lives. However just as even a small hole, if not plugged, can sink a boat, even a small difference of opinion and silly arguments between couples can lead to disenchantment and separation. Just as a big fire is caused y a small spark, the fight between couples also starts from small arguments.

If there is lack of adjustment and accommodating opposite views, ego also gets in and makes things worse gradually. An amalgamation of minds, even while having separate individual bodies, is what is expected of an ideal couple. If they clearly set their common goal and do not allow their individual ego and bias in them, then difference opinion will not grow to fight it at all.

To avoid fights turning serious, couples should learn to 'agree to disagree' or 'disagree to agree'. That is the essence when the author concludes saying "If couples learn from this then they will create understanding and will start loving each other despite all the flaws."

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