Introduction Arranged marriages follow a routine. In most cases, there is the matching of horoscopes, in literally all of South India. Am told this is also true in some communities in the States of Maharashtra, Uttar Pradesh and so on. Be that as it may, arranged marriages have to work. It is ultimately the boy and the girl who need to spend their life together for decades. In this connection, the pragmatic ideas, based on a number of real-world observations would include a) never go deep into horoscopes b) check the family background c) check the future of the boy and girl too d) allow the boy and girl to talk freely before marriage and e) never force any alliance to go through/impose any culture.
Never go deep into horoscopes This is one very important aspect in an arranged marriage. No two astrologers would give the same opinion. If one astrologer says that the horoscopes do match, and if you are doubly sure about all other details, proceed with the wedding. That is, talk to the parents on the other side, arrange for a meeting between the boy and the girl and so on. You should not spend too much time talking to and obtaining too much of opinion from two or three astrologers. It is often noticed that such actions only add to the confusion. Horoscope predictions can only indicate. For example, if you have a firm indication that the boy has had an ailment, you would have to think two hundred times. If it is an ordinary ailment there is no problem. But if it is, for instance, a mild heart attack, and the boy is around 30 years old, you need to really dig deep into the boy's medical records. Shrewd parents on either side, these days, even ask for medical reports and records. This is exactly what should be done. In any case, do not rely too much on horoscopes.
Check the family background The family with whom you would like to have a relationship, is a vital variable. If there is any record of deviant behaviour noticed in the family, at any time in the past, check for all data. If it is a case of innocent trapping, that is, the family was innocently drawn into something, then you need to be a little more generous in giving the alliance some hope. It is never so easy to cross-check within a very short time. The retired school teachers will often give you very good information about the boy. Similarly, if the girl has had some medical issue, that should be viewed very seriously.
The mother-in-law's background and her attitudinal disposition are extremely important. If the boy is the second son and waiting for marriage, and if the first son is already married, unbiased information is likely to flow from the parents of the girl who has married the first son. This is very important. It is often seen that the mother-in-law exerts a huge pressure on her own son to behave in irrational ways.
Please do note that girls, even from ordinary C class towns, do not tolerate any nonsense these days. They may even plan to divorce the husband if they see any bad behaviour on the part of the mother-in-law. The influence of the horrible TV serials in most Indian languages is another problem in many cases. One has to be very careful here.
Check the future of the boy and girl Wait a minute. You are likely to get girls who are either already employed or are employable. The first condition that they would impose is that they would take up a job anytime. How do you react? Remember, those good old days when your boy could hide behind your wife's sari have all but gone. The girl would like to express herself at times. In her job and in other areas too. For example, she might like to try out totally new dishes. She might be ready to eat out at least two days a week. Fine. But she would like to concentrate on her career and get going in a big way. The time saved would be productively used to go ahead in her career.
Please do note that this is very good, after all. If your son has a right to go ahead and concentrate on his career, it is in the fitness of things that your daughter-in-law has her own map for the future. If need be, you might as well retreat with your wife to some old age home. Do not harbour illusions in this regard. It is your own son who needs to live the rat race. To survive and swim and get out of the rat race. It is essential that his wife also does the same. Expecting the same kind of undivided attention of the daughter-in-law of the olden days, in these days of hyperinflation and complexity, at least in the urban areas and in the metros, is next to impossible. This is a new reality that you need to understand today. Just because it is your son, the world will not be static. Changes have already happened on how any marriage works today. The sooner you understand this reality, the better.
Allow the boy and girl to talk freely This is one thing which is a big imperative. The boy and the girl should meet at a common place and talk freely among themselves. They should not be disturbed at all. This kind of a talking should go on for at least one week. Some intelligent parents on either side, encourage this for even as many as three weeks. If it works out and they discover that the wavelengths match, the next step of the arranged marriage is taken. Otherwise, they call it a day and be just friends.
Fine enough. This is exactly how it ought to be. Allow the free exchange of ideas, career aspirations, future dreams and so on, to happen for at least one week. During this time, if everything is okay, you can reasonably assume that all things are fine and you can go ahead with the marriage.
Never impose any culture This is another aspect. If the boy or the girl is not willing to marry each other for some reason, do not force the wedding on the unwilling son or daughter. There are chances that the boy or the girl is filthy rich. But very bad in attitudes. This would be revealed much later only. Since no marriage can work only on the basis of money, you ought to understand that attitudes on either side are important too. Similarly, if there is a clash of cultures, for example, if the girl has been born and brought up in a village, there could be a real problem.
As far as your family culture is concerned, it should be always noted that the girl needs her own cool time to change to the new environment. In some cases, it is seen that the girl immediately adapts to a new culture of modernity, in matters of dressing, picking up new skills and so on. In most cases, such changes may happen only over a period of time. Hence, we need to clearly understand that we should not force any cultural aspects on the girl and allow her own time to get used to the new culture. This is all the more so when the girl is not overly religious and does not really have a big habit of visiting temples, doing all the pooja that you do and so on. This is particularly true of the young IT crowd, where the salary and perks are too good. It is also true that the husband and wife do not have any time to do the pooja that you would normally do or even visit the temple on the weekends. This is one reality that you need to understand. The best alternative is to allow the young man and the woman to find their own space. Once the child is born the equation becomes difficult. Either your son or your daughter would call you to assist them in growing up the infant. This is quite natural. In India, the family as a unit has survived centuries, only because of this bonding.
Conclusion Marriages are made in heaven. This is a saying. While that may be true, we, the people on earth, also have a big role to play in the case of arranged marriages. The sooner we realize this reality, and start working in the right direction, it will be fine for us and for the other side, with whom we seek to get our son or daughter married to. It is not rocket science. It is simple, but we need to be very careful at every step in these modern times.
A nice article bringing out the elaborate steps required to be followed for an arranged marriage.
In any family, the marriage ceremony is a time of fun and frolic. Everyone wants to enjoy the occasion and parents are also excited about it.
The post marriage scenario brings new dimensions and issues in the family which no one has considered or imagined earlier. In the earlier times, the girls were supposed to take up the responsibilities of the boy's house but now there is a paradigm shift and the girls are generally aspiring for employment or shaping their career. In this situation, the in-laws have no other way except accepting this situation and cooperating with the children. So these things gradually led to the formation of the nuclear family and parents also choose to live separately for having their own space.
Another part of the aftermath is that those parents of the girl who has no son, look upon to their daughters in old age when they become totally dependent. This aspect is adding woes to the wound and is to be addressed by the couple.
These are some of the things which will emerge in the post-marriage scenario and are to be managed. So, these are also to be kept in mind while finalizing the match between a girl and the boy.
A nice article written by the author about successful arranged marriages. Even after arranged marriage, it's not easy to maintain it as when two strangers live together there are more chances that there may be disagreements. It's advisable to be faithful to your partner after marriage. One might have had premarital affairs but its good not to have them after marriage too. Telling everything about your past to your partner may not always be a safe option.
Adjustment is the key. It's expected that after marriage one's responsibility increases, therefore, one should not complain about anything. We often, in anger, respond harshly to our partner which is usually a cause of conflict between a couple. Give your partner time and space. Don't expect him or her to always think about you. Always remember that love didn't happen at first sight and give time to your partner; it will grow with the time. Compromise, love and sacrifice are the main things which are essential to keep the marriage intact.
Arranged marriages are conducted after considering many things by the parents. The article has nicely brought out what not to consider and what is to be essentially considered on priority.
It is true that instead of considering caste, creed and horoscope, we have to see and focus on other factors like compatibility and post marriage scenarios expected in the family.
If the girl is ambitious and conscious of her career we cannot force her to take care of household or conceive a child earlier then her plan to do so.
Like that many things will come up in the post-marriage scenario and the family members will have to take cognizance of those issues from time to time.
It is a good article on the best methodology to be followed in fixing marriages. Many parents these days want to see the horoscope of the bride and bridegroom to know whether the two can go together. But it is more important to know the interests of both of them and we should understand whether they are matching or not. I know people who change the horoscope for getting it matched with the other. So we should give more importance for their likings, life style and food habits. Once these qualities match the couple can go together for long. It is always better to say no at the initial stages itself than getting separated after marriage. The two concerned should have a fair discussion separately on all the family responsibilities, problems in their personal lives and other issues so that both of them will be on the same frequency. Religion caste and creed are secondary if all other cultural aspects and food habits match.