Introduction There are emotions and feelings involved in any Husband-wife relationship. There are behavioral patterns involved. Men do mistakes in this relationship, far more than women. The latter has too many stereotypes and hence are subject to some conditioning. Yet, there are instances where they are at the receiving end. Five big mistakes made by men are a) Comparing wife's cooking to that of their mothers b) Never giving them sufficient money for expenses c) Too much of bias towards his own relatives d) Insulting wife's relatives if they are poor and e) Forcing fashions on their wives.
Comparing wife's cooking to that of their mothers Over ninety percent of males ( including this author) are prone to make this mistake. This is often done to please the mother, who sort of feels that the new girl would "separate" her from her son and would yield undue influence. Of late, a more mature approach is seen in the IIT/IIM crowd, who are all very well placed and know what it takes to keep wives happy. Yet, this big mistake happens at a very high level of frequency in smaller towns and villages.
The consequences are disastrous. The woman would always nurse a grudge against the mother-in-law. The verbal fights follow and the entire atmosphere becomes very tough to handle. The more vocal of women fight it out with their husbands questioning them on the very comment or observation and then literally forcing them to cook by themselves. In some places, the fight becomes serious. The young girl simply packs up and goes to her parents' house, even if that were some 500 kilometers away. Those who are also employed do not like one bit of it and hit back instantly. Reactions range from the very simple to the very complex. No independent woman of today would tolerate such comparisons and men should avoid doing this big mistake. On the contrary, every effort should be made to praise the cooking of the wife at every given opportunity. This will go a long way in creating a good atmosphere in the family.
Never giving them sufficient money for expensesThis often happens in the smaller towns where the scope to find suitable jobs is almost nil. The woman needs to find her own space and this becomes difficult. In the meanwhile, the man controls all the expenses and if the wife wants even one hundred rupees, she has to ask either the father in law or the mother in law. This creates more problems, more so, if the congenial atmosphere does not prevail in such houses ( it mostly does not). The woman starts feeling miserable and this leads to a huge number of conflicts, most of which could have been avoided in the first place. It is essential that the woman also has some money in her personal account, and is given an ATM card. If she wants to buy small things, she should be on her own. If the man's parents live in the same house, it should be very clear that the girl has every right to buy whatever she wants and no comment in this direction will be welcome. This will sort of empower the woman. This happened to a family, where the marriage took place just fourteen months ago. The man was made to realize his mistake by this author. Since the family lives in Tiruvellore, a suburb of Chennai, the girl is still finding her space. She would rather set up a small business. She has just got a job in the city but the commutation problems are not to her liking. The husband is now in the process of identifying a trading business for her.
Too much of bias towards his own relatives If the woman has a sister or even a cousin sister, she should be treated well and with affection. This sometimes does not happen. On the contrary, whenever the relatives from the man's side come calling, the treatment is very good. This bias creates heartburn in the minds of the woman, who would happily hit back at the next opportunity. This creates even more problems and the entire atmosphere becomes tense. All this can be avoided if the man were to give equal importance to the relatives of his wife. Even if they are distant relatives, they need to be taken care of.
Insulting wife's relatives if they are poor This is the worst mistake. This has happened in at least three families known to this author. Saner counsel, fortunately, was available sooner or later. The men realized their folly when the very same relatives helped in times of need. Though poor, their physical labor and personal interest stood out. Men normally realize this big mistake over a period of time. Till then, their egos only make things worse. Economic status should never be the basis of treatment of anyone. If they are relatives, all the more so. This is because every human being is good at heart and bad times can come to the rich too. In fact, arrogance always has a price and God does punish such irrational behavior. All men should realize that such behavior is just not on. This mistake is best avoided.
Forcing fashions on their wives Most men, including this author, learn from their mistakes. Fashions are highly individualistic choices. They can and should never be forced on women. Yet, men do force their wives to wear such dresses. For instance, if the girl happens to be newly married and migrates to Mumbai, the man immediately assumes that the girl will be very comfortable wearing sleeveless blouses with her saris or even mini skirts. Any suggestion made in this regard is likely to be rejected outright. Fights follow. The best option is to wait for the wife to choose her own ways of dressing. It is quite possible that over a period of two years, she would make new friends and get to wear the very same dresses. This is exactly what happened to a typical Tamil girl, from the city of Tiruchirapalli. Mumbai was a cultural shock to her. Yet, armed as she was with a First Class Master's Degree in Commerce and a B.Ed degree as well, she immediately secured a job in a good CBSE school, some five kilometers away. At least two of her teachers would wear sleeveless blouses and tops with churidars and so on. She gradually started liking such dresses. The man who sort of rushed his wife into such fashion was counseled to remain calm. His patience worked. Hence, the environment matters most. If the environment supports such dresses and fashion ( Mumbai is the fashion capital of India, anyway), there is every chance that the woman would herself change. Forcing fashions on wives is very dangerous and is a big mistake. It is best avoided.
Conclusion At every stage of our lives, we learn. We learn from our mistakes too. Five very common mistakes that men do have been discussed in some detail. There will always be conflicts. However, the trick is to minimize conflicts. If the five big mistakes discussed above are avoided, conflicts will be a bare minimum, assuring a happy married life.
A very well detailed post about the most common mistakes done by men/husband. Maybe, to some extent, the points are correct but the same points are applicable to women/wives too which forces or raise an alarm.
1. Comparing one's husband with her Father:
We often hear this from their side that her father is hardworking, decision maker, handsome and loving which makes her husband think as to what will make her happy and this, in turn, raises conflict between them.
2. Over-expenditure on jewellery and cosmetics:
This is generally overlooked and even misinterpreted that all this is for you. Looking beautiful for you and this, in turn, makes a hole in man's pocket which also causes quarrel and sometimes big fights.
3. Too much of bias towards their relatives:
It is often found that if a relative of the wife is coming, the husband need not say a word but everything in detail will be done beforehand but it is vice-versa if any relative of the man is coming. This raises a straight question in his mind that if she knows how to do everything, why doesn't she do the same for others.
4. Making man to change (Fashion/ Money/ Food):
Many a time, women tend to force the man to change his way of dressing, eating habits etc in order to be presentable in front of others with which the man is not very happy or ready. This often starts a fight.
5. Insulting Man's family, relatives or friends:
It is often seen and heard that wife starts abusing husband's mother, relatives or friends in common which many a time men tend to ignore but slowly raises a siren which erupts and makes the matter worse.
I have just pointed out, in brief, some points which I feel are faced by men but cannot be raised as always. We often say that men are strong and women are of the weaker sex. But now, all are equal. We need to know that you cannot clap without two hands or there is no smoke without fire. Both men and women (husband and wife) are equally responsible for their relationship and both need to act equally as an isolator and charger for their family to go well.
Note: This post has nothing to do with men or women supremacy but just pure points of personal view and observation. No hard feeling to any gender.
Men and their mistakes in a relationship have been debated for a long time. We would understand the what (mistakes) part well if we consider why in the first instance?
A man who is part of a family is suddenly thrust into having a family of his own. The doting brother or son now has to be a doting husband who will give his undivided attention to his wife. During this period, he and his loyalties change, he is caught between how much to love his wife vs his mother or parents. At the same time, the wife who had been a darling daughter suddenly enters a house full of strangers. The family of in-laws now have to accept her as their own. When we consider the above, then it's no surprise that arguments, misunderstandings, and mistakes happen.
Food and family dinner together forms an important part of family bonding. A man who, all his life is used to eating food cooked by his mother, now has a different person cooking, so sub-consciously, he tries to compare the results of the novice wife to the experienced mother. Again, no surprise that arguments and even fights erupt based on mother's cooking vs wife's cooking.
I would disagree to a certain extent with the author's view of the funds given to the wife. Most good families would give the funds needed to run the house. Initially, the in-laws control the flow of money and gradually the daughter-in-law takes over the day to day management of home expenses. There would be exceptions wherein the husband withholds money and becomes a party to harassing the new daughter-in-law to get more dowry.
The bias towards his relatives vs the wife's relatives may be more often seen in rural areas. In the cities with nuclear families being the norm, it is less obvious or less prevalent.
When it comes to fashion, there are husbands who fit into the stereotype of liking to see other women in tight clothes or fashionable attire but would want their wives to be covered in 9 yards of saree. This hypocritical attitude invites more trouble when they start controlling the wardrobe of their wives.