What are the 9 things married men must start to do for a happy marriage

What should men do to keep the spark alive in their marriage? Marriages may be made in heaven, but there is work involved to keep them alive and breathing. Here is a short tutorial on understanding the basics involved in making a marriage a happy union.

I wrote an article sometime back on things married men must stop doing. Recently I came across a widely shared video of the very talented Divya Dutta, reciting a poem on inequalities in relationships between a man and a woman. The Hindi poem (Tumne Kaha Tha) talks of little things missing in a relationship. The profound narration from a woman's perspective, of unshared chores, touched a chord within me. So, here I am with my take on what husbands should do and not do in a marriage.

Centuries of conditioning have left men insensitive. I don't say this of all men. But it is what I have heard, read and observed, of a majority of men. My intention is not to point at your demerits or to put you down. These matters may not apply to you, but, there are men who need to be guided to become the spouse and dads their families deserve. Your family deserves the best version of you.

Not setting good examples

It is easy to set expectations of others, but difficult to follow the same advice. Are you guilty of doing that? For instance, getting mad because your wife or the children don't do as per your bidding. It's not alright, especially when you continue to do the same things.

Expecting the wife to clean up the house, when you can pitch in too. If you keep your stuff lying around, waiting for someone else to clean after you, what kind of message are you giving? It is easier to learn through example than through direct orders. So, go ahead, clean the mess you create.

If you use the 'F' word or other explicit words in your conversations or when you are angry, don't expect your kids not to pick that habit. If you throw things and become uncontrollable when you become angry, don't expect your kids not to imitate you. If you preach good behaviour, practice it in your actions.

Exhibiting toxic behaviour

Toxic behaviour becomes part of a personality, and you don't realise how despicable your behaviour is towards your wife. Stop patronising her, and don't allow others in your family to belittle, criticise or chasten her.

A husband and wife relationship is that of equals; no one partner is superior to the other. She is your wife, and respect should be part of the commitment you have towards her. I have seen men say disparaging things about their wives, with them standing right there. I can only imagine how toxic the behaviour must be with no one watching. I touched the topic of teaching boys to be respectful towards women, and it starts with you.

Your wife may not fulfil your expectations – in the way she cooks, looks or dresses, etc., but that is no reason to disregard her. Your boys watch how you treat their mother, and often pick those same traits. Your bad behaviour towards the mother of your children can have a devastating effect on them. They can be scarred for life, with horrible memories, to live with through the rest of their lives. Be a righteous man, and correct your behaviour, so your children learn to respect women and appreciate what partnerships mean.

Focusing on the negatives

Often, men take the wife for granted and fail to appreciate all that she does for the family. A little compliment never hurt anyone. Make an honest attempt to value everything that she does, instead of focusing on the little things that she misses.

I am friends with a family that can best be described as 'typical'. Nothing looks amiss; the wife cleans, cooks and teaches the kids, does the shopping and all the other stuff that comes with the domain. Did I mention she also works in an IT company? But, the husband only focuses on all that she does not do. There are many women like her. Would it not be nice if she is made to feel good? A little appreciation, an 'I love you' or a 'thank you' matter so much, especially when kids are watching.

We don't want boys growing up in the belief that they are entitled. Or that a woman must be expected to go about doing things because that is her job. And that she does not, nor needs, to be appreciated. Acknowledge everything she does; everyone needs to be complimented.

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Keep the romance alive

Remember the ways you impressed her when you dated her or when you first met or got engaged? All that romance showed that you cared. The presents, and movie nights with dinner, the long drives, the holding of hands. All these do not have to die down when you become husband and wife. Be the same loving guy she began to love. Be as caring and considerate as you were back then. Show her that she matters and that you still care. Stop taking your relationship for granted.

My husband and I have been married for almost 34 years, and we go on a lunch date every Sunday. We are busy throughout the week, even though we spend quality time with each other. Mostly, in the mornings, when we sit over coffee and chat, over meals and during our ritual evening walks. But work takes over because there are things we have to do.

However, the Sunday brunches are just us, together. It is romantic, even at our age. We sometimes order food in and binge watch movies, at home. Don't get so embroiled in your routines that you skip the romance. I am a fiercely independent woman, but I still like being appreciated and loved. Your wife too deserves your love and respect.

Say, I love you

You can get so caught up with your life that you forget that the reason why you and your wife are together is because of love. She can't read your mind and know that you love her. Find little ways to show her what she means to you. Bring a box of her favourite sweets, on your way home. Help her with the household chores. She doesn't have to dust and make the bed, cook and do the dishes. How about giving her a helping hand?

Give her a break, make the breakfast on the weekends. Make weekend plans. Give her a call, the way you used to when you were just married. The romance does not have to die, now that you are married. Let her feel precious and valued.

Never fail her or betray her

Men get torn between their wife and their birth family. They don't know how to shift priorities. Marriage changes the relationship equation. When you marry, you begin a new family. Your responsibilities change. Before I continue, let me stress that I am not advocating men to forget or sideline their parents. However, your wife must take the number one position, and you must defend her above everyone else.

What that means is that you do not allow anyone to disrespect her. No relative of yours should think it's fine to disrespect her. No one in your family should expect you to be a mute spectator when it comes to your wife. They will show her respect when they know you have her back. You should step in and handle the situation because betraying her means you betray the wedding vows.

Never be unfaithful

Marriage is about trust and commitment. When you wed someone, it implies that your promise to be faithful to the person. No casual flings or flirtations. Be faithful.

Don't threaten

Don't manipulate and use emotional blackmail to get your wife to do what you want. It's not right to use, 'you will do it if you love me'. It is equally bad if you threaten to leave her if she doesn't do your bidding. She is an equal partner in the marriage, so it doesn't always have to be your way.

Marriage is a continued celebration

Keeping the spark alive, even after years of marriage is not difficult. Celebrate being together. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and every special occasion you can remember. Celebrate beautiful memories.

My husband still surprises me with gifts. He remembers my likes and dislikes. He knows the flavours of ice cream I like. You know, it is little things that make a marriage special. Of course, it works both ways, and it's not him alone keeping the relationship lively.

Don't forget the hugs and the cuddles. Hold hands – why does the number of years of marriage have to make you stop doing that? Hugs are therapeutic. Did you know that hugging causes the brain to release oxytocin into the body? Oxytocin is a 'feel-good hormone' also called a 'cuddle hormone'. Oxytocin reduces the hormone cortisol; the hormone associated with stress.

Have conversations, not just about the children, and other mundane stuff. Share experiences, not just work-related stress. Do things together, have time for each other. Play board games, or watch movies or spend.

Keep the intimacy alive. And, I don't mean just physical intimacy – stay connected emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. Share your experiences, talk to each other, understand each other. Stop living in a cocoon – get off that phone, log off social networks and spend quality time with your spouse.

I'll sum it up with a final word of advice - let every action of yours send out a message that you love your wife. Don't take her for granted. If any of the above are factors in your married life, please take steps to correct the issues.


Author: Varghese30 Sep 2019 Member Level: Diamond   Points : 6

A well-detailed article in which the author has skilfully made use of her personal life and put it in an understanding way. I felt good by reading your article and can say that it stands as a piece of good advice to all couple who find trouble in their marriage. Many a time as time flees, the love and romance take the back seat and we get carried by our responsibilities, priorities and work that we forget to give a "WE" time to ourself and our relationship.

It is true that most men forget to appreciate things of their spouse and often take her for granted and it needs to change. Everyone likes to be appreciated, given value and importance but at times we forget about it. It is time we give her equal importance and fulfil our marriage vow taken together.

As mentioned, this is not true for all men or in every relationship but mostly in "orthodox" or the so-called "typical" family. The poem recited by Divya Dutta during her visit to "The great Indian comedy show with Kapil" was heart touching.

Author: Sanjeev Gupta02 Oct 2019 Member Level: Gold   Points : 6

Well written article by the author. All the things which the author mentioned in the article are very practical and people usually don't follow all of them and because of it, their married life doesn't go well.

I partially agree with the author that after marriage the priorities change and the boy should treat his wife as number 1. I have seen a few people becoming inclined to their wife and leaving their parents aside due to which their wives also show the same behaviour to the parents-in-law. Though few girls are matured enough to treat their parents-in-law like their parents, still most of them are not. This is the reason where the conflict starts. I understand it's not easy for a girl to come to a new house and live with new people and start a new life. But there are certain things which they should also follow so that their married life proceed peacefully.

It's important that being a husband we should not always focus on the things which a wife has not done but should appreciate the things which she does. We should always learn to forgive each other for the small issues and should not stretch any error done by husband/wife. You won't agree on everything, but it is important to be fair and respectful during disagreements. Listen to your spouse's point of view. Try not to get angry and don't let yourself become too frustrated.

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